A Shiver of Light
Page 50
“You must make Taranis afraid of you, Meredith; only fear will hold him in check.” She’d requested to see the babies, but we were talking business first.
“He’s already attacked Doyle, and we believe that was motivated out of fear. The king would not willingly meet him in a duel,” I said.
“Yes, he feared the Queen’s Darkness, but he does not fear Doyle in the same way. He feared me, Meredith, and my Darkness as an extension of me, but without my protection and threat he sees Doyle as only your strong right hand; chop that hand off and it makes you even weaker than you are. You must make Taranis fear you, Meredith, you and no other, if you are to rule the Unseelie Court. If he does not fear you, then it is only a matter of time before the Seelie try to take your throne and combine it with theirs.”
“He’s made it clear that he would welcome me as his queen,” I said, and looked carefully at nothing when I said it, because I couldn’t keep the emotion out of my eyes and Andais had used my emotion against me for years.
“I thought about using his rape of you as a reason to challenge him to a duel.”
That made me look at her again. “I didn’t think you cared that much about my fate, Aunt Andais.”
“It’s not your fate, Meredith, it’s the insult of him thinking he could kidnap and attack my heir with no retribution.”
“Of course, it’s an insult to you,” I said, and just shook my head. She didn’t understand that she’d just admitted that what happened to me was important only because it showed a lack of respect for her.
Eamon laid a hand on her shoulder and looked at me. His face showed that he at least understood, and understood that she didn’t. I tried to tell him with my eyes that I appreciated it. Andais went on talking, oblivious.
She said, “It is, but I believe Taranis is actually insane. He has convinced himself that you went willingly with him and were kidnapped from him by the evil Unseelie. The King of Light and Illusion seems to be truly deluded.”
“I agree,” I said.
“He babbles of taking you as queen if he can only strip you of the abusive Unseelie that are poisoning your mind against him. If I wanted to strip you of your protection I, too, would begin with the Princess’s Darkness. It really doesn’t have the same ring as the Queen’s Darkness, does it?”
“No, Aunt Andais, it does not.”
She looked just past my shoulder to where Doyle stood, as he had once stood by her, though he had his hand on my shoulder, a gesture I don’t think I’d ever seen him make to her. I raised my hand to lay it over his.
“No need to remind me that I neglected my Darkness.”
“I didn’t touch his hand to remind you of anything, Aunt Andais; I did it because I wanted to touch him.”
She made a small movement with her mouth that meant she was unhappy, and then smoothed it into a smile. She really was trying, on this first call since I’d laid down my ultimatum that she behave like a sane person or she couldn’t see the babies.
“I believe that, though I do not understand it.”
What I wanted to say was, How sad for you, but my aunt had never taken well to pity. She didn’t understand it and always saw it as an insult, and she certainly never gave pity to anyone. She was pitiless in the true meaning of the word.
I looked past her to Eamon with his own hand on her shoulder. I was sorry for him, too, and if he had been mine I would have reached up and touched his hand, as I did Doyle’s, but he wasn’t mine to worry over, and he loved Andais utterly. I’d never understood why, but I knew it to be truth.
“You are the Queen of Air and Darkness, my aunt; all fear you. How do I make Taranis fear me?”
“You disfigured him in the dream, Meredith; that did frighten him.”
I tensed, holding tighter to Doyle’s hand, my heels involuntarily digging a little harder into Kitto’s back. “I told you that I used my hand of power on him in the dream, but not what hand of power I used. How did you know that?”
“Darkness is not the only one with spies at the Golden Court, Meredith. Taranis’s sleep is troubled, for he keeps seeing his arm melted and crippled from your magic. If you would do that in reality to someone that he could see, a constant visible reminder, it would be a good start to his fearing you.”
“Are you actually suggesting that I pick some random Seelie sidhe and partially cripple or disfigure him, just as an object lesson to Taranis?”
She nodded.
I saw Eamon’s hand tighten on her shoulder, as if to caution her. She patted his hand absentmindedly but did not hold on to it.
“There is no one I hate that much at the Seelie Court,” I said.
She frowned at me. “It’s not about hate, Meredith, it’s about practicality. You asked how to frighten Taranis; well, I’m telling you how to do that. If you don’t want my help, then do not ask for it; it is most irritating to suggest things and watch you make that face.”
“I wasn’t aware I was making a face, Aunt Andais; I will try to school my expression better from now on.”
“And there you go again, that tone in your voice, never a word out of place, but your tone says, clearly, ‘You are a fucking psycho bitch and I hate you.’”
“I would never say such a thing, Aunt Andais.”
“No, you would never say it, but you think it hard enough.”
“I don’t believe I’ve ever said, or even thought, those exact words about you, my aunt.”
“Then what words would you say aloud, if you dared?”
“Are you simply incapable of having a conversation where you don’t threaten me or imply something unpleasant?” I asked.
She startled visibly, and this time she did reach for Eamon’s hand. “I … I hadn’t thought about it, niece of mine. I have spent many centuries where my threat was all that kept me and my court safe. You see what Taranis will do if he does not fear another royal.”
I nodded. “I do understand that. So you’re saying that it’s just habit for you to threaten people?”
She seemed to actually think about it for a moment and then said, “Yes, I believe it is.”
I sighed and squeezed Doyle’s hand. Mistral moved closer to me and laid his hand on my other shoulder. I reached up and took his hand, too. It helped steady me to touch them, though I knew that Mistral did not understand why such casual touch pleased me so; he was the least affectionate of the fathers outside the bedroom, but once he’d accepted that I liked and needed it, he’d tried to do more. I appreciated his efforts and did my best to tell him so.
“That must be very lonely,” Galen said.
We all turned to him slowly, like you do in a horror film, because that was pity and you did not let the queen know you pitied her, ever.
She looked at him, head to one side like a crow about to peck the eye out of a corpse. “What did you say?” Her voice made it plain that she didn’t believe he’d repeat himself, and that he certainly shouldn’t repeat it.
“If people are afraid of you, how do they love you?” he asked.
“Love,” she said, and made it sound like a very different kind of four-letter word.
“Yes,” he said, softly.
I wanted to say, Stop this, don’t make her look at herself that closely, but hadn’t I done just that the last time we spoke to her? Had my boldness made him bolder, too?
“He’s already attacked Doyle, and we believe that was motivated out of fear. The king would not willingly meet him in a duel,” I said.
“Yes, he feared the Queen’s Darkness, but he does not fear Doyle in the same way. He feared me, Meredith, and my Darkness as an extension of me, but without my protection and threat he sees Doyle as only your strong right hand; chop that hand off and it makes you even weaker than you are. You must make Taranis fear you, Meredith, you and no other, if you are to rule the Unseelie Court. If he does not fear you, then it is only a matter of time before the Seelie try to take your throne and combine it with theirs.”
“He’s made it clear that he would welcome me as his queen,” I said, and looked carefully at nothing when I said it, because I couldn’t keep the emotion out of my eyes and Andais had used my emotion against me for years.
“I thought about using his rape of you as a reason to challenge him to a duel.”
That made me look at her again. “I didn’t think you cared that much about my fate, Aunt Andais.”
“It’s not your fate, Meredith, it’s the insult of him thinking he could kidnap and attack my heir with no retribution.”
“Of course, it’s an insult to you,” I said, and just shook my head. She didn’t understand that she’d just admitted that what happened to me was important only because it showed a lack of respect for her.
Eamon laid a hand on her shoulder and looked at me. His face showed that he at least understood, and understood that she didn’t. I tried to tell him with my eyes that I appreciated it. Andais went on talking, oblivious.
She said, “It is, but I believe Taranis is actually insane. He has convinced himself that you went willingly with him and were kidnapped from him by the evil Unseelie. The King of Light and Illusion seems to be truly deluded.”
“I agree,” I said.
“He babbles of taking you as queen if he can only strip you of the abusive Unseelie that are poisoning your mind against him. If I wanted to strip you of your protection I, too, would begin with the Princess’s Darkness. It really doesn’t have the same ring as the Queen’s Darkness, does it?”
“No, Aunt Andais, it does not.”
She looked just past my shoulder to where Doyle stood, as he had once stood by her, though he had his hand on my shoulder, a gesture I don’t think I’d ever seen him make to her. I raised my hand to lay it over his.
“No need to remind me that I neglected my Darkness.”
“I didn’t touch his hand to remind you of anything, Aunt Andais; I did it because I wanted to touch him.”
She made a small movement with her mouth that meant she was unhappy, and then smoothed it into a smile. She really was trying, on this first call since I’d laid down my ultimatum that she behave like a sane person or she couldn’t see the babies.
“I believe that, though I do not understand it.”
What I wanted to say was, How sad for you, but my aunt had never taken well to pity. She didn’t understand it and always saw it as an insult, and she certainly never gave pity to anyone. She was pitiless in the true meaning of the word.
I looked past her to Eamon with his own hand on her shoulder. I was sorry for him, too, and if he had been mine I would have reached up and touched his hand, as I did Doyle’s, but he wasn’t mine to worry over, and he loved Andais utterly. I’d never understood why, but I knew it to be truth.
“You are the Queen of Air and Darkness, my aunt; all fear you. How do I make Taranis fear me?”
“You disfigured him in the dream, Meredith; that did frighten him.”
I tensed, holding tighter to Doyle’s hand, my heels involuntarily digging a little harder into Kitto’s back. “I told you that I used my hand of power on him in the dream, but not what hand of power I used. How did you know that?”
“Darkness is not the only one with spies at the Golden Court, Meredith. Taranis’s sleep is troubled, for he keeps seeing his arm melted and crippled from your magic. If you would do that in reality to someone that he could see, a constant visible reminder, it would be a good start to his fearing you.”
“Are you actually suggesting that I pick some random Seelie sidhe and partially cripple or disfigure him, just as an object lesson to Taranis?”
She nodded.
I saw Eamon’s hand tighten on her shoulder, as if to caution her. She patted his hand absentmindedly but did not hold on to it.
“There is no one I hate that much at the Seelie Court,” I said.
She frowned at me. “It’s not about hate, Meredith, it’s about practicality. You asked how to frighten Taranis; well, I’m telling you how to do that. If you don’t want my help, then do not ask for it; it is most irritating to suggest things and watch you make that face.”
“I wasn’t aware I was making a face, Aunt Andais; I will try to school my expression better from now on.”
“And there you go again, that tone in your voice, never a word out of place, but your tone says, clearly, ‘You are a fucking psycho bitch and I hate you.’”
“I would never say such a thing, Aunt Andais.”
“No, you would never say it, but you think it hard enough.”
“I don’t believe I’ve ever said, or even thought, those exact words about you, my aunt.”
“Then what words would you say aloud, if you dared?”
“Are you simply incapable of having a conversation where you don’t threaten me or imply something unpleasant?” I asked.
She startled visibly, and this time she did reach for Eamon’s hand. “I … I hadn’t thought about it, niece of mine. I have spent many centuries where my threat was all that kept me and my court safe. You see what Taranis will do if he does not fear another royal.”
I nodded. “I do understand that. So you’re saying that it’s just habit for you to threaten people?”
She seemed to actually think about it for a moment and then said, “Yes, I believe it is.”
I sighed and squeezed Doyle’s hand. Mistral moved closer to me and laid his hand on my other shoulder. I reached up and took his hand, too. It helped steady me to touch them, though I knew that Mistral did not understand why such casual touch pleased me so; he was the least affectionate of the fathers outside the bedroom, but once he’d accepted that I liked and needed it, he’d tried to do more. I appreciated his efforts and did my best to tell him so.
“That must be very lonely,” Galen said.
We all turned to him slowly, like you do in a horror film, because that was pity and you did not let the queen know you pitied her, ever.
She looked at him, head to one side like a crow about to peck the eye out of a corpse. “What did you say?” Her voice made it plain that she didn’t believe he’d repeat himself, and that he certainly shouldn’t repeat it.
“If people are afraid of you, how do they love you?” he asked.
“Love,” she said, and made it sound like a very different kind of four-letter word.
“Yes,” he said, softly.
I wanted to say, Stop this, don’t make her look at herself that closely, but hadn’t I done just that the last time we spoke to her? Had my boldness made him bolder, too?
