Affliction

Chapter 67-68

67
Micah's mom was in the hallway being comforted by Gonzales. She was crying, and for a second I feared the worst. My stomach tightened with dread, but I squared my shoulders and kept walking forward; no retreat, no surrender.
Domino spoke low beside me. 'Who is that?'
I answered, sort of under my breath, 'Micah's mom.'
'Really?' he said.
I glanced up at him but couldn't read his expression with his eyes hidden behind sunglasses. He didn't exactly look happy, though; I hadn't thought about the whole mixed-race thing being an issue for anyone. If anyone was going to have an issue it would be the clan weretigers, but Domino with his own mixed heritage hadn't been my pick for being bothered by it.
Bea's face brightened when she saw me, even through the tears, and I knew just by the relief that it wasn't her 'husband' dead, but something she thought I could help with. I had had people want me to raise their deceased loved ones before, but I thought Beatrice was saner than that.
She hugged me way tighter than I liked and didn't hesitate with having to work around all the weapons. She'd been a cop's wife for a long time; it probably wasn't the first time that she'd had to work around guns for a hug.
I did the only thing I could; I hugged her back, which made her hug me tighter. Talk about being punished for competency, but I ended up more holding her than hugging her. I realized that her legs were weak. I braced and held her up. The moment she felt my strength her legs collapsed. She had me by at least fifty pounds, probably closer to seventy, but lucky for both of us I didn't have a problem supporting her. It was just sort of unexpected.
Nicky asked, 'You need help?'
'Not yet.'
She hadn't exactly fainted, because she was still holding on, it was more like she was sinking in some emotional water I couldn't see and she'd decided to hold on to me. To her I said, 'Beatrice, Bea, can you hear me?'
Gonzales was there, sort of hovering. 'Bea, you okay?'
She started to sag more, and I said, 'Nicky, help me get her to a chair.' I could support her weight, but a body isn't balanced like a barbell. Bodies are much harder to lift, especially if you don't want to accidentally hurt the person, or they're wearing a dress, like Bea, and you don't want to flash the room, which I didn't.
A chair just suddenly appeared behind her with a uniformed officer holding it. Nicky and Gonzales both tried to help me ease her into it, so that it was too much help and we all got in each other's way. She looked pale, her eyes not focusing.
I touched her face. She was clammy to the touch. 'Bea, can you hear me?'
She blinked at me, gave a small nod, and said, 'Yes.' Her voice was hoarse.
'When did you eat last?'
She couldn't remember.
'How much water have you had?'
She hadn't had any today. Someone went to fetch her water, and another officer went for a candy machine. I knelt on one knee on the floor in front of her and let her hold my hand. I'd have said I was holding hers, but she seemed to need the touch.
We got some water into her, Gonzales holding the cup between sips. A candy bar put some color back into her cheeks. 'I'm sorry,' she said, in a small, hoarse voice.
'You have to take care of yourself better than this, Bea,' I said.
'I just want to spend as much time with them as I can.'
'Them?' I asked.
'Rush and Micah.'
Rush I understood. 'Micah will be back.'
'But the two of them together, I won't get to see that much longer,' and she began to cry.
I patted her hand, and glared up at Gonzales. He gave me a what-did-I-do? look. When Bea seemed well enough to sit safely without falling over, I left the officer with the water by her side and walked Gonzales a little way from her. Nicky and Domino trailed after us.
'How long have you been here with her?' I asked.
'Only a couple of hours,' he said. 'I didn't know she hadn't eaten or drunk something.'
'Has Micah had anything?'
'I don't know, he's in with Rush.'
'Shit,' I said.
I turned to the cops in the hallway. 'Guys, really appreciate you being here like this.'
They all made noncommittal gestures of support.
'But can you guys keep checking and making sure the family keeps hydrated and a little food in them?'
They looked at one another. It turned out that most of them had only just cycled back through to hospital duty, so they hadn't known. 'Sorry, Marshal, we'll look after Mrs Callahan better from now on.'
I didn't correct him that it was Mrs Morgan, but part of me wondered if the kids had hyphenated names. Probably not, or the secret would have been out years ago, but all the same they were a unit, a couple that happened to be three instead of two. I had a moment to wonder how Jean-Claude, Micah, Nathaniel, and I would handle a commitment ceremony. For that matter, would Jean-Claude want to involve Asher? Did I want Nicky involved? It all seemed too complicated now, which meant that something about the last few minutes had hit an issue for me. I didn't know exactly what issue had been hit, but it was something, because I was feeling less friendly about the whole idea of commitment anything.
I let the negative emotions sort of wash over me but didn't let them stick. I just let them go. I'd figure out what was bugging me later; right now I wanted to see Micah and make sure he was okay. All right, as okay as he could be under the circumstances. My head was already starting to ache from whatever emotional land mine the last few minutes had hit, but I'd learned that I didn't have to know exactly what was bothering me. I just had to acknowledge the problem, keep moving, and not act on the irrational impulses. Edward had saved me earlier when I would have taken out my issues on Nicky and Dev; now I had to save myself.
I took a few deep breaths, and it was a mistake, because I could smell the sweet-and-sour smell of something rotting, and I knew it was Micah's dad. The smell was almost too close to the smell of the corpses earlier. It was like some awful preview. And just like that, I wasn't okay.
'Bathroom, nearest,' I said.
Gonzales pointed down the hallway. 'Go right.'
I'd have liked to be cool, but I started running, not like running-for-my-life fast, but I really wanted to get to the bathroom before I threw up. Nicky and Domino jogged behind me, and I felt stupid having them trail me. In that moment I just wanted to be alone.
I found the bathroom, slammed into the door to push it open, and ran for a stall. I started throwing up before I got to my knees and had just enough awareness left to keep my hair back with one hand.
I felt someone behind me. 'It's me,' Nicky said. Though for once if the bad guys had wanted to get me, doing it while I was being violently ill was a good moment to choose. Nicky held my hair for me so I could use both hands to prop myself up. Meat does not throw up well. If I'd known it was going to be important, I'd have had the soup, or maybe just coffee, yeah, just coffee would have been great.
I knelt there, my forearms propped on the toilet, head hanging down, while Nicky held my hair in one hand and put the other on my forehead. His hand felt cool, and I knew it wasn't. He ran hotter than human-normal like most lycanthropes. The fact that his hand felt that cool meant that maybe I was sicker than I thought.
'Here are some paper towels; it might help,' Domino said.
I thought he meant Clean up, and was about to protest that I hadn't made a mess, but then Nicky's hand left my forehead and put something cold against the back of my neck. It was a shock to the system, but it felt good. Cool was better.
'Sorry,' I managed to say.
'For what?' Domino asked, but Nicky didn't ask. He knew, partly because he was my Bride, but partly because he understood how much I hated weakness of any kind.
I started fumbling at the toilet paper roll.
Nicky leaned over to help.
'I got it,' I said, and realized I'd snapped at him. 'I'm sorry.' I got some of the paper to finally come off the damn roll and wiped at my mouth.
'Do you want me to leave?'
'No.' I said it automatically and then a tiny part of me wondered if it was true. Hadn't I thought I'd like to be alone just seconds before I came in here?
Nicky let go of my hair and started to move out of the stall.
I reached back and grabbed his pants leg. 'Please,' I said, 'just give me a minute. I didn't mean to snap. I don't want you to go. Thank you for taking care of me.'
'You're saying all the right things, but I can feel what you're actually feeling, remember? You're irritated, angry even.'
'But not at you,' I said, with my hand still wrapped in the loose edge of his jeans. He had to get loose fit a lot, because the muscles of his thighs didn't fit in some of the tight jeans.
'Just because you're not angry at me doesn't mean you won't aim it at me.' There was a tone in his voice that I couldn't quite figure out, but it wasn't a good one.
'Please,' I said again, 'don't let your issues and mine do something bad. I just need to figure out what the hell is going on in my head.'
'Okay,' but he sounded cautious, as if he didn't trust ... me. He was this big, physical guy, tougher and better than most of the guards, physically stronger than I would ever be, but in that moment I realized something I hadn't before. If I had been abusive to him, as my Bride he couldn't have done anything about it. Brides were pretty much helpless to say no to their masters. He even had to keep me happy, because if I was unhappy it made him unhappy. I wondered how close to the dynamics with his mother our relationship was, and then wished I hadn't thought of it. It was all too Freudian and weird. Why was I overthinking this? What the hell was wrong with me? And then I realized, this was what I used to do. I used to overthink relationships and poke them with a stick until they broke, and then I'd be able to say, See, see, I knew it. Fuck, what about this case, the last few minutes, had set me back to such old shitty habits?
I threw the toilet paper in the toilet and flushed away my lunch, and then I let go of Nicky's pants leg and held my hand up to him. I didn't need the help to stand, but it was a way of apologizing and letting him know how much I'd appreciated the help in these last few minutes, how much I appreciated him.
He looked down at me, his face arrogant, unreadable; the one blue eye staring down at me was harsh and unfriendly. I wasn't the only one who'd had old issues hit in the last few minutes.
There was a moment when I thought he wasn't going to relent, and that in a few thoughtless moments we'd ruined something between us. 'Just tell me to take your hand, help you up, and I have to do it.'
'I don't want you to do it because you have to, I want you to do it because you want to.'
A look came over his face; it was almost pained. 'Why do you keep giving me choices, Anita? You don't have to.'
'Maybe that's why,' I said. 'Because I don't have to.'
'That makes no sense,' he said, but he reached down and took my hand. He lifted me to my feet and backed out of the stall at the same time, so that we ended up out in the main part of the bathroom. He just kept staring down at me, as if he couldn't figure out what, or who, I was.
'I feel like I missed something,' Domino said. 'Did you guys just have a fight?'
'Almost,' I said.
'Are you all right?' Nicky asked.
'I feel fine now.'
'I've never seen you get sick like that,' Domino said.
I shrugged. Nicky and I were still holding hands as if we were both afraid to let go. 'I used to throw up at crime scenes pretty regularly.'
'You keep saying that, but we've never seen you do it before,' Nicky said.
'This wasn't a crime scene,' Domino said. 'What made you sick?'
'I smelled the decomp coming from his father's room and it was too close to last night.'
'The smell didn't bother you last night,' Nicky said.
'Trust me, it did,' I said.
Nicky gave a small smile and squeezed my hand. 'It bothered all of us, but not that much.'
'I have no idea why I got sick just now,' I said.
He drew me in so that our bodies touched. He was back to staring at my face, but it was a different look now, not arrogant or harsh, more like he was thinking about something really hard.
'What?' I asked.
He just shook his head. 'Maybe you need more sleep.'
'Always on a case,' I said.
Domino offered me a breath mint.
'You're carrying breath mints in with your ammo?' I said.
'We're lycanthropes, Anita; sometimes we eat stuff that a human isn't going to want to smell on our breath.'
I took the mint and spoke around it as I rolled it in my mouth. 'But you only eat stuff like that in animal form; once you change back to human it's a different mouth.'
'Is it?' he asked.
I frowned while I thought about it. 'Yeah, I think so.'
'Just think of it as a precaution,' Domino said.
I squeezed Nicky's hand, then let go so I could go to the sinks and wash my hands. I looked at him in the mirror as I asked, 'Do you have breath mints with you?'
'No, clan tigers are prissy bastards; lions aren't.'
'I suppose lions eat raw meat and then just suck the juices off each other, no mint needed,' Domino said.
'Yeah, we do.'
Domino rolled his eyes, as if the tougher-than-anyone-else talk was old hat from Nicky. 'I know, I know, only the werehyenas are a tougher society to survive in than the werelions. Weretigers are complete pansies compared to you guys.'
'Not in St Louis they're not,' Nicky said.
'What do you mean?' I asked, as I dried my hands.
'I don't know exactly how Narcissus got to be head of the werehyenas in our city, but he's seriously fucked with their societal norms.'
'How so?' I asked, and started for the door.
'Hyenas aren't tougher to fight than lions, but they are tougher on each other. They'll brutalize each other to a degree that we won't.'
'They brutalize each other,' I said, thinking of some of the 'play' rooms I'd seen at the club Narcissus in Chains. Lycanthropes could heal almost anything that wasn't done with silver, or fire, which meant that if you liked BDSM there were options that humans would never survive.
'I don't mean the bondage stuff. I mean they fight just to fight, and fights that break out at the spur of the moment can totally change their clan structure. Every other animal group has rituals for dominance fights. A fight that gets out of hand doesn't necessarily change anything, because if it's not formal, then the rest of the group can join in and take sides, or in some animal groups an informal fight doesn't count even if it results in a death.'
'Really,' I said.
Nicky opened the bathroom door and checked the hallway automatically before I followed him.
Domino answered. 'I don't know about every animal group, but if someone killed Queen Bibiana in Vegas outside of ritual combat, the challenger would die with her. Her guard, her son, or her husband would see to that.'
I thought about Bibiana, who was as delicate as I was, but all white and ladylike. She was horribly powerful metaphysically, but I hadn't thought about her having to defend herself in ritual combat. 'I can't quite picture her taking on all challengers in one-on-one combat,' I said.
'The White Tiger Clan allows the queen to pick a champion if she is a good enough leader that we don't want to lose her.'
Nicky went a half-step in front of me, and Domino a little behind. We didn't usually do the formal bodyguard stuff when I was carrying my badge. I might have said something, but I actually wanted to ask Domino another question.
'What if the queen wasn't a good leader and the clan didn't support her?'
'Then a vote can be called and if enough of the clan votes no, she has to fight her own battle.'
Nicky glanced back and said, 'Sounds like a way to assassinate a leader without actually doing the job yourself.'
'It's a way to spread the guilt around,' Domino agreed, as if there were nothing wrong with it.
'If you want the leader dead, you have to do it in a one-on-one fight. There are no substitute champions in our culture,' Nicky said.
'Of course, there aren't,' Domino said, 'because werelions are just that awesome.'
Nicky glanced back again, and it wasn't a friendly look. 'This is one of the main problems with the Coalition, Anita. We are different animals, different cultures, with very different rules. It's hard to bring us together when we can't even decide how to elect a leader.'
'Micah adapts to whatever animal group he's visiting,' Domino said.
'I've never gone out of town with Micah before,' Nicky said.
'I don't think he's gone up against any lions yet.'
The phrasing sounded odd to me. We walked around the corner and could see the police outside the room again, but I stopped walking. 'What do you mean, gone up against?'
Domino's face suddenly got as blank as he could make it. He was perfect bodyguard empty, with an edge of angry intimidation around the edges. His energy prickled down my skin, and the fact that he'd lost control of his beast that much meant my question had stressed him.
I turned completely around to face him. Nicky took up his best bodyguard position at my back, but standing so he could see both up and down the hallway; again it was more guarding than I liked them doing around the police work, but I let it go, because I had a bad feeling about why Domino was suddenly nervous.
'I asked you a question, Domino,' I said, voice sort of soft. It wasn't a good softness, though; it was a tone that said I was getting angry.
He looked behind me at the other man.
'Don't look at Nicky; look at me, and answer my question.'
'I'm not your Bride, Anita. I'm just one of your many tigers to call. I'm not even bound that tight to you, because you already had a white tiger when you found me, so you just bound my black half. I don't have to obey you.' He was going all distant and angry on me, which was something he'd done when I first met him, but he'd stopped doing it with me.
'What's to stop me from asking Nicky, then? He has to tell me.'
'He's never traveled with Micah.'
'He can't answer the question, can he?' I asked, staring at his sunglasses, as if I could see his eyes through them, but I'd found that even if I couldn't actually see someone's eyes, staring as if you can through dark glasses unnerves some people.
'No, he can't,' Domino said, and he was arrogant and angry, and his power pushed like heat against my skin.
'There's a reason that Micah never takes Nicky, or Dev, or anyone who couldn't keep a secret from me, isn't there?'
'Don't do this now, Anita, not with Micah's dad and family,' Domino said.
'Don't do what? Find out that you've all been keeping something from me, including Micah?'
Domino's hands started to flex over and over. It wasn't exactly making fists; it was more like a cat will knead with its claws. It's a sign of high anxiety among all the big-cat lycanthropes. Domino knew I understood what it was, and the fact that he was doing it anyway meant either that he was that desperate to calm himself down or that he couldn't help it, which meant he was fighting for control. That scared me, because Domino had excellent control of his beast; if he was that stressed, then the answer to my question was even worse than I'd thought.
'Jesus,' I said, 'Micah's fighting for dominance to bring the groups into the Coalition?'
Domino shook his head, his hands kneading the air, fingers tensed and arched as he fought the growing heat that seemed to shimmer around him. I turned my head to the side and could see the 'heat' rising off him. It was a bad sign.
'Anita, after what happened with Ares, if he loses it in front of the cops, they will shoot him,' Nicky said.
I tried to calm myself down, because I couldn't even think past the thought of how many times Micah went out of town to talk to different groups. No one could win that many fights in a month and have no injuries to show for it, and Micah wasn't big enough, or physical enough ... He was a leader, but not that kind.
'Ease down, Domino,' I said. 'I don't want to lose you because of something stupid.'
He bit his lower lip and shook his head, as if I'd asked him another question.
'I'll let it go, because honestly your reaction just now is answer enough.'
He took a few deep, even breaths and I felt him shove the heat of his beast back in its metaphorical box. I was finally able to shield enough that I'd only felt it as heat and not as a tiger. My own cats hadn't even tried to surface. I was getting better at this. We all were. I just didn't know how much better Micah had gotten at parts of it, like lying to me.
Domino finally spoke in a low, careful voice as if he were fighting to control even that. 'I swear to you that Micah doesn't fight every time he leaves town. Diplomacy and ... softer methods work most of the time.'
'What does softer methods mean?' I asked.
Domino's power spiked like a fever burning against my skin.
'Let it go for now, Anita,' Nicky said. He moved so he was blocking the police's view of Domino.
I counted slowly to ten, though without being able to do the deep breathing that should have gone with it, it wasn't nearly as calming. 'I won't ask you any more questions right now, Domino, I promise.'
I couldn't see around Nicky's body, but I could feel that another wereanimal was coming closer. Their energy breathed along my skin like a breath of hot air. This power stirred my beasts and I 'saw' in my mind's eye my hyena stand up and shake itself like the big dog she resembled. She started trotting down a long, sunlit hallway that was usually shadowed, but the hyena trotted in the light, and tall yellowed grass appeared for her to do a curious sideways lope of a run. She moved so awkwardly compared to the cats, or the wolf, but she was still coming, and if I didn't get control of her the hyena would try to burst out of my body and become real, but I was angry. Anger made everything harder to control. I was angry and afraid, because Micah was my size and no matter how tough you are, when fighters are equally trained, size matters. The thought of Micah going up against someone Nicky's or Dev's size made my skin run cold. The fear seemed to puzzle the hyena because she whimpered and sat down looking at me with those odd brown eyes, such a human color if the pupils hadn't been slitted like a cat's.
'Control yourself,' Nicky said, softly.
I closed my eyes and tried. I fought for calm, fought to find my still center, but Micah was my still center, and he'd been risking his life for years and I hadn't known. I felt stupid. Had I really thought that diplomacy alone had made all those animal groups across the country join our Coalition? Yeah, I had. I'd had faith in Micah's ability to persuade, to lead, to manipulate and bargain. I even knew that he had done all those things. I knew that he had slept with some of the female shapeshifters to seal the deal, or to gain allies who would help persuade the group leaders to our way. That was probably what Domino meant by softer means; Micah had told me about the sex, because he hadn't wanted me to find out from anyone else. But the few times he'd come home injured, or with injured guards, he'd told me it just got out of hand, but in the end they had persuaded them. Had Micah ever come home without the group agreeing to join us, eventually? No, he hadn't.
I was calm again, but it was the calm of water. It's only still until the next breeze touches it. I opened my eyes.
Nicky looked down at me. 'You okay for this?'
I nodded.
He stepped to one side and I was looking at Socrates. His skin was the color of coffee with one cream in it, his tightly curled hair cut tight on the sides and long on top, a lot like Domino's hair, but Socrates' hair was thick enough that it stayed in the nearly square top-layer shape almost like a hedge trimmed into a desired shape. His eyes were brown, but not the brown of the animal sitting inside my head now. Socrates' eyes were perfectly human.
The hyena sniffed the air and made a laughing, cackling sound that raised the hair on my arms. I had a moment to wonder if I'd made the sound out loud with my human mouth and throat, but I didn't think so.
Socrates rubbed his arms underneath his suit jacket. It gave me a glimpse of the gun at his waist. He was an ex-cop who'd been cut up when he helped bust an inner-city gang that had werehyenas for their enforcers. He'd been a hero, they'd cleaned out the gang, but he'd lost his badge and the job he loved.
'When did you gain my beast?' he whispered.
'When a bullet went through Ares and into me,' I said.
'It should take until the next full moon for you to manifest your hyena. That's two more weeks, but I feel it, smell it on you.'
'I'm precocious,' I said.
'You're something, all right,' he said, rubbing his arms again.
'You go out of town with Micah sometimes, don't you?'
'Why ask it like that, Anita? You know I have.'
I looked at him, just looked at him.
He looked past me to Domino. The look was angry, and eloquent, and seemed to be saying, How could you be this stupid? with a slight eyebrow raise and a tiny tilt to his head.
Domino's power flared again. 'I said nothing.'
Socrates' look didn't believe him, and neither did the rest of Socrates.
'Did you really think I'd never figure it out?' I asked.
He looked at me then and said, 'I don't know what you think you've figured out, so I can't speak to it.'
'Don't you lie to me, Socrates, not anymore.'
Gonzales started walking this way. My watching him made Socrates glance back, too. We had the attention of all the cops. I was letting my emotions get in the way of business, oh, hell, in the way of common sense. Cops are a curious lot, especially about anyone they may have to trust their lives to, so us arguing among ourselves wasn't going to reassure any of them.
'Is there a problem, Anita?' he asked.
If I said no, he'd know it was a lie, but ... 'No,' I said, and the no was very firm, very certain. I'd actually made a waitress cry once by saying no. Gonzales didn't cry - he was made of sterner stuff than that - but he understood that it was an absolutely unmovable negative. Sometimes I spoke too forcefully and made waitresses cry by accident, but sometimes it was exactly the amount of force needed to stop people from asking me anything.
Gonzales looked at me, then looked from one to the other of the men. 'Okay, how are you feeling? You looked a little green.'
'Let's just say I'm wishing I'd stuck to something more liquid for lunch.'
He gave a little chuckle, but his eyes stayed wary and he did another glance around at all the men. His gaze came back to me and he showed me those suspicious cop eyes that said clearly I was full of shit and he didn't believe me. Didn't believe what, you might ask? He was a ten-year-plus veteran police officer; he didn't believe a damn thing that anyone told him.
A man called out from down the hallway. 'I thought you were tough, Blake. I hear you just tossed your lunch for no reason whatsoever.' It was Travers come to give moral support to Sheriff Callahan, and to continue to be a pain in my ass.
'What's your problem, Travers?' I asked, and it was a little loud just like his comment had been, because we were at the ends of the hallway from each other.
'You, you and your ... men are my problem.' He was walking toward us.
I moved around Gonzales and started moving to meet Travers.
'Anita,' Socrates said, 'don't ...'
I turned, pointed a finger at him, and just said, 'Don't even.'
Nicky caught up with me. 'What are you going to do?'
I realized that Travers was looking for a fight and so was I. I stopped walking and said, 'Fuck.'
He smiled at me.
But Travers didn't have any voice of reason with him; he was just this big, angry guy waiting for someone to take the first swing so he could swing back. His body language screamed, Give me an excuse.
'What are you smiling at?' Travers asked.
I realized he was asking Nicky, who turned and looked at him. Travers wasn't a rookie, he should have understood what that look meant, but he bristled, hands going into fists. Nicky planted one foot so he'd be able to pivot into his swing. I took a step ahead of him.
'Anita,' Nicky said.
'It's okay, Nicky.'
'It's not okay, Nicky,' Travers said, doing a bad and unflattering imitation of me.
'Travers, we are not going to let you use us to pick your fight.'
'They'll fight back, Blake, they can't help it. You kick a dog, it'll bite you.'
'They aren't dogs, Travers, nothing that domesticated.'
'No, not domesticated, pussy-whipped.'
'What is with everyone here and that phrase?' I asked.
Travers was right in front of us now. His hands were still fists; his arms were actually vibrating with anger. He wanted, almost needed, to hit something. 'You always hide behind your girlfriend, Nicky?'
'No,' Nicky said, and his no, like mine, was very firm, very sure of itself, and left no room for anything but the negative. He started to move closer to Travers, but I stepped between them.
I let down some of my shields, not all, not even all the way down, but enough so that when I touched Travers's arm I could draw on his anger. Being able to feed on sex was Jean-Claude's power, but I could also feed on anger and that was my power, my special little talent slice. I'd practiced until I could take the edge off someone's anger, like skimming off the anger, rage-filled cream, leaving bland but healthier milk behind.
I didn't so much feed on his anger, because that could cause confusion and get noticed by the other police. I sort of licked away a little bit of his anger, like taking the cherry off a milkshake.
Travers frowned, and looked lost for a second, and then he jerked back, holding his arm as if it hurt where I'd touched him. 'What did you do to me?'
'Why were you angry at us?' I asked quietly.
He shook his head, rubbing his arm. 'Do me a favor, Blake; next time I'm about to die don't save me, and don't have any of your damn vampires save me either.'
'You'd rather have rotted to death in excruciating pain than had Truth suck the corruption out of you?'
He looked at me, and there was real pain in his eyes. He whispered, 'Yes.' Looking into his eyes from touching distance, I knew he meant it. Something about Truth feeding on him had disturbed him so badly that he had decided dying was preferable.
I don't know what my expression was, but Travers suddenly turned around and walked fast for the elevators. He was still holding his arm.
Gonzales said, 'What did you do to him just now?'
'Just calmed his anger a little, I swear.'
'Do we care what happens to Travers?' Nicky asked.
'Care in what way?' I asked.
'Care if he lives or dies?'
'Truth risked his own life to save Travers, so yeah, alive would be good.'
'Then put him on suicide watch,' Socrates said from behind us.
I turned and looked at him. 'Why?' I asked.
'After I found out that I had lycanthropy and they were giving me a commendation for bravery and taking my badge, I thought about eating my gun. I know that look in someone's eyes.'
I looked at Nicky. 'You know that look, too?' I asked.
'If I hadn't had my brother and sister to keep safe, I'd have done it when I was a kid.'
I knew what 'it' was: suicide. Nicky had just told me he'd thought seriously about suicide when he was a teenager, or hell, maybe younger. I didn't know how old he'd been when the abuse started.
I took his hand in mine and didn't care if the other cops saw. I'd already thrown up for no real reason; they'd take points off for that. If they wanted to take more points off for me holding my lover's hand, let them. In that moment it was more important to reassure Nicky than to be the toughest badge in the room.
Nicky looked down at our clasped hands and smiled. That one smile was worth the teasing I might get for the hand holding.
'Why would your vampire friend saving his life make Travers suicidal?' Gonzales asked.
'I don't know,' Socrates said, 'but something about it spooked him.'
The door to the room opened, and it was Micah. He didn't have dark circles under his eyes; it was more as if the lack of rest had worn away some of the skin underneath his eyes so that he looked hollow-eyed and beyond exhausted. I'd seen him go with less sleep for longer and look a lot better, but sometimes it's not the number of hours, but what those hours hold that wears you down.
I'd been so angry with him just minutes before, but seeing those beautiful green-and-yellow eyes so tired, so discouraged, I just wanted to make it better. I let go of Nicky's hand and went to Micah.
He looked almost surprised, and then as I wrapped my arms around him, held him close, he held me back and buried his face in my hair. His breath shuddered, and then I felt something hot and liquid trailing down my neck. Everything that comes from the body is hot for a second or two, and then it leaves the body, touches the air, and loses its heat. Nothing showed that he was crying; his shoulders did not shake, he was almost utterly still, and with his face buried in my curls no one else could see what I could feel, his tears falling hot along my skin, then growing cooler as they flowed down my neck.
I held him, let his tears paint their salty trail across my skin, and I couldn't be mad at him; the only thing I could do in that moment was hold him. It didn't seem like much, but sometimes when everything else goes to hell, arms to hold you tight is everything.
68
Gonzales drove Beatrice home with promises from the police left in the hallway that they'd call at the first sign of any change. She kissed Micah and me good-bye and left without apologizing for having fallen apart. I'd have felt compelled to apologize, but that was me. Socrates took Domino back to the hotel, where he could release his inner tiger in peace and without getting shot by the police. Socrates also wanted to be farther away from me and my newfound inner hyena. He actually said, 'You have a tendency to find your animal to call pretty quickly, and that's not what we are to each other.'
'That's not what I am to any of the hyenas,' I said.
'Then I'd stay clear of us for a while,' he said.
It was good advice.
I persuaded Micah to come to the cafeteria with us. Nicky came with us, of course, but so did Micah's remaining bodyguard, Bram. He was still six feet of tall, dark, handsome, overly stern muscle, though he was built lean and not bulked the way Nicky was. Bram and Ares had been like light and dark copies of each other in so many ways. It was the first time I'd seen Bram since I'd had to shoot his favorite coworker and good friend. I wasn't sure what to say to him or if I was supposed to say anything. When in doubt on personal stuff I did my usual: nothing. If Bram brought it up I'd deal, but if he didn't I'd let it go until I could decide if and how to handle it.
Nicky went in front of us, Bram trailed behind, and Micah and I walked in the middle holding hands. He knew to hold my left hand so my gun hand was free. It was routine for me most of the time, but especially so when on the job and armed to the teeth for vampire hunting. It was nice that Micah remembered even under such emotional duress without my having to remind him. I loved him a lot for many reasons, but one of the biggest was his calm acceptance of this part of my life. Of course, knowing his dad had been a police officer the entire time Micah was growing up helped explain why he was okay with it.
We chose a table that put us in a corner so we had two walls at our backs and a line of sight through damn near every part of the cafeteria. Bram and Nicky moved to a table beside ours, automatically, like bodyguards do when they're trying to give you some privacy and still keep you safe.
It was a little weird for Nicky to go back into bodyguard mode and act as if he and Bram were the same to Micah and me. Nicky lived with us, traveling back and forth from the Circus of the Damned to the house in Jefferson County. He was the person most likely to be by my side when I wasn't with Micah, Nathaniel, or Jean-Claude. It seemed like it should make a difference, but I did want alone time with Micah. We needed to have a serious talk, maybe several serious talks, but first he needed food and water, or maybe coffee.
We turned our chairs so that we could both have our backs to the wall and sit with our legs lightly touching. He kept hold of my hand and laid his forehead on my shoulder. Again, it would have been a bit more romantic without the body armor, but I was on the job and had an active warrant, plus last time I'd been in the hospital I'd needed the vest.
I stroked the braid of his hair. It was in a tight French braid, which I knew Nathaniel had done before he left for the hotel. Neither Micah nor I could French-braid worth a damn, let alone our own hair. It wasn't as fun to pet his hair in the braid, but I knew that it would stay out of his face and just be overall easier to deal with than almost any other hairdo.
He raised his face and I was suddenly looking into those amazing eyes of his from inches away. They were green and gold, but that didn't do them justice. There was a ring of green around the pupils and yellow outside that. The amount of each color varied as the pupil expanded or contracted, and in dim light the green could look almost gray, but right at that moment the green was the paleness of new spring leaves, and the yellow the gold of elm leaves in the fall, as if he held both the newness of the year and the end of it in his eyes. The color was more startling because his skin had those darker undertones; when he had his dark summer tan the eyes were even more amazing. He'd tanned as dark as Richard Zeeman, our Ulfric, Wolf King, but his family did have Native American in their background. I'd asked Micah if his family had Native American, or Hispanic blood, like me, in their background and he'd simply said no. It was interesting that it had never occurred to him to explain his own mixed heritage. Either he never thought about it like that, or he'd assumed it wouldn't matter to any of us.
'I don't know how to do this, Anita,' he said, at last.
'Do what?' I asked.
'Regain my dad after all these years and lose him at the same time.'
That was Micah, straight at it, no hesitation, no prevarication, just hit right between the eyes, and then I realized it wasn't him at all. He'd been keeping something really big from me for most of the three years we'd been together.
'What's wrong? I just watched some thought go across your face,' he said.
'Everything that's happened since we landed here, and you're asking what's wrong,' I said, and did my best to smile.
He smiled back. 'Okay, you have a point, so you're telling me I'm imagining you thought of something just now.'
I sighed. I realized that I'd decided not to confront him about the dominance fights out of town until we got through this visit and back home. I didn't want to hit him while he was down, and the pain in his eyes when he came out of his father's room, that was down. But I'd waited too long; I could lie, but seldom to Micah. The fact that he'd managed to keep such a big secret from me for so long made me wonder if there were other secrets. I hadn't liked thinking it, and I really hated the thought of this conversation now when he was so low.
'I love you,' I said.
'I love you, too, but that sounded like a preamble to something bad,' he said.
'You know me too well,' I said.
'We're engaged; shouldn't we know each other well?'
I smiled. 'Fair enough, and I admit I was all ready to have a serious talk about something totally unrelated to your family, or the case here, but then I saw you, and ...'
'And I completely fell apart,' he finished for me.
'I didn't say that; I think you're doing pretty damn well under the circumstances.'
He smiled. 'What did you want to talk about?'
'It has the potential for being a really big fight, Micah. Let's not do this now.'
'Something that big and you can honestly wait to discuss it?' he asked.
I nodded. 'I'm a little surprised myself, but yeah, I can wait.'
He put his head to one side and looked at me. 'Will I think it's a good idea to wait?'
'Yeah, I think you will,' I said.
He narrowed his eyes at me. 'Would you understand if I said you're being way too reasonable, and it's actually making me nervous?'
I laughed. 'Yeah, actually I would.'
He smiled, and this time it was brighter, more his usual smile. 'Tell me, Anita, because now I'm convinced that it's something about what my dad told us about Van Cleef and the pseudomilitary stuff.'
'It may not be pseudo, but it's not about that.'
He gave me a look.
'Promise,' I said.
'You know you have to tell me now, because I'll be thinking of the worst things.'
It was my turn to put my head against his shoulder. 'I'm trying to be reasonable, Micah; let me do it. Let me be the grown-up for once.'
He touched my hair, lifted my face so we were looking at each other. 'Now you're scaring me.'
'Damn it, we are both relentless in our own way,' I said.
'Yes, we are; it's one of the things I loved about you from the beginning.'
I held his hands, looked him in the eyes. I was afraid of this talk, because if he could keep this from me, then he was capable of keeping other things, big things, things that could blow us up as a couple. I realized I was afraid to have the talk, and afraid not to, which made no sense at all.
'And I loved that you loved that about me, because I'd had so many men who had hated it.'
'Then whatever it is, we can get through it, Anita. We both value too much about each other to let anything spoil everything.'
Sitting there holding his hands, looking at him, I believed him, but ... I'd always believed him and now I felt like he'd lied to me, but ... Oh, fuck it.
'Okay, here goes. Are you really fighting the leaders of the other animal groups to force them to join our Coalition?'
'Sometimes.' He said it as if it were nothing, ordinary, like Of course.
I tried to take my hands back, but he held on. 'Why are you angry?'
'Why am I angry? For the love of God, Micah, you've been going out of town and having battles to the death and you didn't think I needed to know that?'
'Lower your voice,' he said.
I wanted to yell louder, but he was right; I'd just said he was committing murder according to human law. I lowered my voice and leaned in closer, but my voice was still angry, just softer, like angry whispering.
'How could you keep that from me?'
His face closed down, his own temper showing. He didn't get mad often, but when he did it could be as bad as mine. This was going to go so badly.
'I didn't keep anything from you. I just didn't tell you.'
'That's the same thing, it's just words to cover it up,' I said.
He let go of my hands and said, 'Do you tell me every time you risk your life as a U.S. Marshal?'
'No, but that's different.'
'How?' he asked.
I wanted to say, It just is, but that wasn't an answer. I opened my mouth to explain the difference and stopped. I frowned at him. 'I see it as different, very different.'
'Why is it any different? They're both our jobs, and both our jobs can be dangerous.'
'But I didn't know your job was dangerous,' I said.
He studied my face. 'What did you think we were doing to get all the other groups on board with the Coalition?'
'I thought you were persuading them. I thought you were using diplomacy, logic that it just made sense to join.'
'I do most of the time, but you've been around enough shapeshifters, Anita. You know that some animal groups aren't about logic or being reasonable.'
'If I'd thought about it, I guess I would have assumed that some of the bodyguards did the one-on-one combat for you the way that most of the Clan tiger queens have a champion.'
'I'm not a weretiger, Anita. You brought all of them on board when you were able to call all of them to us.'
'Magic and sex won us the weretigers,' I said.
'Yes,' he said.
'What won us the rest?' I asked softly.
'You know that I sleep with some of the female dominants.'
I nodded. 'You share me with enough people, I can't bitch.'
He smiled. 'You mean you don't have room to bitch, but you still could,' he said.
I shrugged. 'It would be stupid and unfair if I complained.'
He smiled wider and touched my face, gently. 'A lot of women, and men, are really unfair to their other half, Anita. You have a reputation for being unreasonable and violent, but you're one of the most practical women I've ever been with.'
'And you're the most practical man I've ever been with,' I said.
'Most people wouldn't think that was very romantic,' he said.
I smiled. 'A little ruthless practicality is very important in our lives.'
'Yes,' he said, 'it is.'
'When you can pick a champion, do you?' I asked.
'I do.'
Then I realized that he was taking people who were my friends, or more, and I thought about them being in danger. Fuck.
'What now?' he asked.
This time I just answered the question. 'I just realized that means that anyone who travels out of town with you is maybe in as much danger as you are. I should have known that.'
'You mean I should have told you, or you should have known?'
'Both, maybe, I don't know, but, Micah, you're my size; most animal groups are led by the biggest, baddest motherfucker they've got. How have you been winning so many fights? I've seen you in practice and you're good, but you're like me; we just don't have the reach. Most taller people have longer arms and legs; they can just hit us before we can hit them, unless we're lucky, or they aren't good at fighting, but to fight your way to the top of a pack, or a pride, you have to be good.'
'Usually, I do something utterly ruthless and very abrupt before they're expecting it. Leopards are fast, faster than most lions, or tigers; I just have to make the first blow count.'
'You mean kill them with the first blow,' I said softly.
'Yes,' he said, and studied my face. 'Does that bother you?'
I thought about the fact that he had been killing people fairly casually for years and I hadn't known. I didn't like that part, but I knew without a doubt that if he hadn't killed them, they would have killed him. I wanted him alive and in my life more than I wanted some humane ideal of the world.
'No, I don't think it does. If anything bothers me it's the fact that we're heading into their territories and forcing ourselves on them.'
'It started with invitations from groups that wanted to hear about the Coalition. They wanted to join, and then we had a few groups that attacked the ones that had joined us, because one of the things they agree to do is not to make war. We're trying to make a no-war rule that sticks like the Vampire Council did with the vampires, but lycanthropes don't have centuries of obeying a central government. Some of them want to keep their independence or simply think that werelions are better than werewolves, so they don't want to be in a mixed animal group, which is the whole idea of the Coalition.'
'Lions are the most aggressive. I'm assuming that you were able to persuade a lot of the hyena groups through sex since they're matriarchal.'
He grinned. 'Most of them, but honestly some of the animal groups prefer their own animal, so sometimes the guards help. I don't always like sex as rough as the hyenas do, or the lions for that matter. Some of the guards are happy to help out.'
'I'll bet they are,' I said.
He smiled. 'And if the leader has a reputation for being a very good and very ruthless fighter, then sometimes I kill lesser dominants in the group for insulting me; by most group rules, being disrespectful to a visiting leader can either start a war or I'm within my rights to do it. Watching me use the claws like switchblades unnerves other shapeshifters, and knowing I'm willing to kill over something small makes them afraid of what I'll do in an official fight.'
'I know that a lot of alphas can partially change their hands to claws, but yours are more like switchblades, neat and clean, and you might miss it if you blink. You are the best I've ever seen at it.'
'Thank you, I do my best.'
'But you scare the leaders into negotiating instead of fighting,' I said.
'It doesn't scare them, Anita, or not like you mean. Our culture is different from straight human culture; we value aggression and ruthlessness to a degree that most humans don't. It's not just that I'm willing to kill to get them to do what I want, it's that if they join with us they now know that I'll do whatever it takes to protect them.'
'You said you do use champions when you can; who usually?' I asked.
'Bram and ... Ares did it when they could.'
'You won't have Ares to help you fight now,' I said, and my chest felt tight. I wasn't sure if it was mourning Ares, or the thought that I'd also killed someone who was keeping Micah safe in more ways than I'd known. I felt stupid and slow and like they'd all been keeping secrets from me.
Micah took my hands again. 'Don't do that to yourself, Anita.'
'Do what?'
'Don't beat yourself up about Ares. You did what you had to do.'
I nodded. 'If I had to do it over again, the only difference would be I'd shoot him when he first asked me to, before he shifted forms. If I'd done that the other cops would be alive and unhurt.'
He squeezed my hands and pulled me toward him, as he leaned over in his chair. He kissed me, and tried for it to be more than just lips, but I pulled back. He frowned at me.
'What's wrong? I thought we weren't going to fight.'
'I had a breath mint, but I threw up in the bathroom here. I think before we tongue-kiss you might want me to brush my teeth.'
He laughed and pulled me into a hug. 'God, I love you so much.'
It made me laugh, too. 'I love you more,' I said.
He pulled back enough to see my face. 'They sell toothbrushes in the gift shop.'
'Are you saying you want to kiss me more?'
'I want to kiss you as thoroughly as possible before you have to go back to work.'
I grinned. 'Okay, but first you need to eat and get some water in you.'
He frowned. 'How did you know I hadn't eaten?'
'Because your mother hadn't, and I think you're both neglecting the basics?'
The smile faded around the edges. 'I don't know what she and Ty are going to do without Dad. I keep thinking what I'd do if something happened to Nathaniel.'
I hugged him to me, putting my face against the braid that our other boy had done for him, and I realized that I was mad at him for not sharing information, but I had some serious info I hadn't shared yet. 'You know how you said that if you could you'd marry us both?'
I felt him nod, still cuddled into the hug.
'Jean-Claude proposed.'
He drew back, so he could see my face. He looked startled. 'When?'
'At the hospital.'
'What did you say?' he asked.
'I said yes.'
His face went very still, very careful. 'That's wonderful.'
I frowned at him. 'I know there's a lot to figure out, but if anyone can do it we can.'
He nodded. 'Of course you can.'
I frowned harder. 'Micah, you do understand that he and I talked about a group ceremony, not just Jean-Claude and me.'
'He is our master, Anita; even if there weren't Nathaniel he would never let you marry someone else.'
'I don't know who I'll legally marry, only one's allowed, but he and I talked about a lot of things. Does everyone get a wedding ring? I asked if everybody gets an engagement ring.'
He looked at me with a strange, uncertain smile on his face. 'What did Jean-Claude say?'
'That he didn't know the answers to my very reasonable questions but that I didn't just tell him no was more than he'd hoped for and that we'd figure it out.'
'Really, he said that?'
'He said that if he'd dreamt I'd have said yes, he'd have conspired with the other men in my life and made it the most romantic night of my life, and swept me off my feet.'
His smile was happier then. 'I can hear him saying that.'
'I asked him who would be part of the group, and beyond you and Nathaniel we aren't sure of anyone else, but we're not sure they aren't either.'
'Who else?'
I sighed. 'I'm worried what Asher would do if he's not included.'
'I am not marrying Asher,' Micah said.
I laughed. 'I know, me either, but Jean-Claude may feel differently. I don't know yet. I haven't had a lot of time to think about it.'
Then I realized I might need to say something else. 'When I had to leave Nicky down in the basement and I didn't know what would happen to him, I told him I loved him.'
Micah nodded. 'Nathaniel and I wondered how long it would take you to figure that out.'
I frowned at him. 'Did everyone know before me?' I asked.
'Everyone but Nicky, and Cynric maybe.'
That made my shoulders slump a little. 'I'm not sure how Cynric will take the group marriage thing.'
'If he's included, he'll be fine.'
I stared at Micah. 'You are joking, right?'
'Why, because he's young?'
'No, I mean, yes, I mean ... Do you really want to be married to Cynric?'
'The only two people I want to be married to are you and Nathaniel.'
'But you'll marry Jean-Claude; why?'
'Because he's our master and you're his human servant and he introduces me as Our Micah.'
'How do you feel about that, by the way?' I asked.
'I'm not a fan, but he has to do something for the other vampires to make them not feel like you're cuckolding him with the rest of us. Prestige is very important with the vampires and the lycanthropes. He has to come first for you, or it would damage his power structure, our power structure that we've all worked so hard to build.'
'Is that why you don't mind the other vampires assuming that you're Jean-Claude's lover?'
He nodded. 'I'm secure, and besides, I am in love with Nathaniel. It's not like I'm all freaked out about being with another man.'
I leaned back so that we didn't have our arms around each other. Micah kept my left hand in his, but we sat and looked at each other. We were both being cautious suddenly.
'So, you, Nathaniel, Jean-Claude, and me, and ... who else?'
'I don't know,' he said.
'Are you in love with anyone else?'
'No, are you?' he asked.
'Nicky, and I love Cynric, but I'm not in love with him. I love Asher, but I'm not in love with him, and since he may force me to kill him someday I'd rather not be.'
He squeezed my hand. 'I know we're bringing him home before he ruins everything with the local werehyenas there, but I agree that he may force us to kill him.'
I nodded and felt inexplicably sad. 'Shouldn't getting married be happy and not so complicated?'
He laughed. 'We're talking about at least four of us in a group marriage and maybe more, Anita; that's complicated.'
I rolled my eyes and sighed. 'Okay, okay, I didn't mean that part.'
He laughed again and then said, 'One other thought. If we are doing this, then you need to tell Richard, or Jean-Claude does, before he hears it from somewhere else.'
I hung my head. 'Damn it, he's an ex.'
'An ex who you still have sex with occasionally, and who Asher lets top him in the dungeon, and who Jean-Claude and you, and sometimes Asher, all have sex with.'
'He doesn't have sex with the men.'
'You mean he doesn't have genital contact with them.'
I looked at him. 'Wow, that is what I meant, but that just ... that was blunt of you.'
He smiled. 'I think if we're going to do this for real, we'll need to be blunt.'
'I'd love to argue with you, but I think I'd just sound stupid, so I'll pass.'
'I'll be honest: I'd love to marry you legally and have Nathaniel be a part of the ceremony like husband one and husband two, but Jean-Claude has to be a part of it, and probably the legal part.'
'Why?' I asked.
'First, his ego won't let it be anyone else. He's reasonable, ruthlessly practically, but like all the old vampires he's also arrogant. He's the first vampire king of America, and you are his queen.'
'I'm your queen, too.'
'Yes, but the shapeshifters are used to taking second place to the vampires in the power structure. They'll think it's normal that the legal spouse is Jean-Claude. The vampires have made peace with the thought that Jean-Claude looks the other way because he gets to sleep with all of us, too. They're a lot happier now that Envy has become one of Jean-Claude's regular lovers.'
'I can't sleep with everybody every night, and he does really prefer women to men, unless it's Asher.'
'He'd totally do Richard if our Ulfric would be okay with it,' Micah said.
'Not happening,' I said.
'I know.'
'You said once that you thought you'd have to sleep with Jean-Claude to be my leopard king, and you were relieved to find out it wasn't true, but you would have done it.'
'I would have done anything to save my people from Chimera, and Jean-Claude is not a fate worse than death,' he said, and smiled.
'No, no, he's not,' I said, and smiled back.
'I think I can eat something now,' Micah said.
'Good, I'll try some soup.'
'The lycanthropy keeps any of us from catching viruses, so you can't be sick.'
I didn't want to tell him it was the smell of his father's sickness that had reminded me of the smell of rotting corpses, so I said, 'I think something at lunch didn't agree with me.'
He accepted that, and for all I knew it might be true. We got food, and I started to get coffee, but the smell made my stomach roll again. I got water and soup. I also texted Edward to see if how he was feeling, because if there had been something wrong with the food then he'd be hit worse, because he didn't have the lycanthropy helping him stay healthy.
Edward was fine. I ate half my soup and was so done. I'd told Micah that I wanted to question Little Henry. Micah rushed his food so he could go back up with me and back up to his dad. Though we did stop off at the gift shop and get me a little travel toothbrush set. I did a quick oral cleanup in the bathroom and when Micah kissed me good-bye it was as thorough a kiss as you would ever want to do in public view of a hallway full of cops.
They gave us both good-natured ribbing about it. 'Get a room, Blake.' 'Another Callahan ladies' man, it figures.' The cops couldn't seem to decide which of us was the coworker to be teased and which of us was the 'girl.'
He and Bram went back into his father's room. Nicky and I went in search of Henry Crawford's doctor. I wanted to know if they'd found any fang marks on him, or any injuries at all. He'd looked unharmed, but that didn't mean he hadn't been; not every kind of harm leaves marks.