After You
Page 78
‘An essay. You’re not at school! You always do a homemade cake for Granddad.’
‘It’s a nice cake. It’s from Waitrose. Daddy doesn’t mind that it’s not homemade.’
‘Yes, he does. He’s your father. You do mind, don’t you, Granddad?’
Granddad looked from one to the other, and gave a tiny shake of his head. Around us, the conversation stuttered to a halt. Our neighbours eyed each other nervously. Bernard and Josie Clark never argued.
‘He’s just saying that because he doesn’t want to hurt your feelings.’ Dad harrumphed.
‘If his feelings aren’t hurt, Bernard, why on earth should yours be? It’s a chocolate cake. It’s not like I ignored his whole birthday.’
‘I just want you to give priority to your family! Is that too much to ask, Josie? One homemade cake?’
‘I’m here! There’s a cake, with candles! Here’s the ruddy sandwiches! I’m not off sunning myself in the Bahamas!’ Mum put her pile of plates heavily on the trestle table and folded her arms.
Dad went to speak again but she shut him up with a raised hand. ‘So, Bernard, you devoted family man, you, exactly how much of this little lot did you put together, eh?’
‘Uh-oh …’ Treena moved a step closer to me.
‘Did you buy Daddy’s new pyjamas? Did you? Did you wrap them? No. You wouldn’t even know what bloody size he is. You don’t even know what bloody size your own pants are because I BUY THEM FOR YOU. Did you get up at seven o’clock this morning to fetch the bread for the sandwiches because some eejit came back from the pub last night and decided he needed to eat two rounds of toast and left the rest of the loaf out to get stale? No. You sat on your arse reading the sports pages. You gripe away at me for weeks on end because I’ve dared to claim back twenty per cent of my life for myself, to try to work out whether there is anything else I can do before I shuffle off this mortal coil, and while I’m still doing your washing, looking after Granddad and doing the dishes, you’re there harping on at me about a shop-bought fecking cake. Well, Bernard, you can take the fecking shop-bought cake that is apparently such a sign of neglect and disrespect and you can shove it up your –’ she let out a roar ‘– up your … well … There’s the kitchen, there’s my ruddy mixing bowl, you can make one your ruddy self!’
With that, Mum flipped the cake plate upwards, so that it landed nose down in front of Dad, wiped her hands on her apron, and stomped up the garden to the house.
She stopped when she got to the patio, wrenched her apron over her head, and threw it to the ground. ‘Oh, yes! Treena? You’d better show your daddy where the recipe books are. He’s only lived here twenty-eight years. He can’t possibly be expected to know himself.’
After that, Granddad’s party didn’t last long. The neighbours drifted away, conferring in hushed tones, and thanking us effusively for the lovely party, their eyes flickering towards the kitchen. I could see they felt as thrown as I did.
‘It’s been brewing for weeks,’ Treena muttered, as we cleared the table. ‘He feels neglected. She can’t understand why he won’t just let her grow a little.’
I glanced to where Dad was grumpily picking up napkins and empty beer cans from the grass. He looked utterly miserable. I thought of my mother at the London hotel, glowing with new life. ‘But they’re old! They’re meant to have all this relationship stuff sewn up!’
My sister raised her eyebrows.
‘You don’t think … ?’
‘Of course not,’ said Treena. But she didn’t sound quite as convinced as she might have done.
I helped Treena tidy the kitchen, and played ten minutes of Super Mario with Thom. Mum stayed in her room, apparently working on her essay, and Granddad retreated with some relief to the more reliable consolations of Channel 4 Racing. I wondered if Dad had gone down the pub again, but as I stepped out of the front door to leave, there he was, sitting in the driver’s seat of his work van.
I knocked on the window and he jumped. I opened the door and slid in beside him. I’d thought maybe he was listening to sports results but the radio was silent.
He let out a long breath. ‘I bet you think I’m an old fool.’
‘You’re not an old fool, Dad.’ I nudged him. ‘Well, you’re not old.’
We sat in silence, watching the Ellis boys wheel up and down the road on their bikes, wincing in unison when the littler one took a skid too fast and slid halfway across the road.
‘I want things to stay the same. Is that so much to ask?’
‘Nothing stays the same, Dad.’
‘I just … I just miss my wife.’ He sounded so bleak.
‘You know, you could just enjoy the fact that you’re married to someone who still has a bit of life in her. Mum’s excited. She feels like she’s seeing the world through new eyes. You’ve just got to allow her some room.’
His mouth was set in a grim line.
‘She’s still your wife, Dad. She loves you.’
He finally turned to face me. ‘What if she decides that I’m the one with no life? What if all this new stuff turns her head and …’ He gulped. ‘What if she leaves me behind?’
I squeezed his hand. Then I thought better and leaned over and gave him a hug. ‘You won’t let that happen.’
The wan smile he gave me stayed with me the whole way home.
Lily came in just as I was leaving for the Moving On Circle. She had been with Camilla again, and arrived home, as she often did now, with black fingernails from gardening. They had created a whole new border for a neighbour, she said cheerfully, and the woman had been so pleased she had given Lily thirty pounds. ‘Actually, she gave us a bottle of wine too but I said Granny should keep that.’ I noted the unselfconscious ‘Granny’.
‘Oh, and I spoke to Georgina on Skype last night. I mean it was morning there, because it’s Australia, but it was really nice. She’s going to email me a whole load of pictures of when she and my dad were little. She said that I really look like him. She’s quite pretty. She has a dog called Jakob and it howls when she plays the piano.’
I put a bowl of salad and some bread and cheese on the table for Lily as she chatted on. I wondered whether to tell her that Steven Traynor had called again, the fourth time in as many weeks, hoping to persuade her to go and see the new baby. ‘We’re all family. And Della is feeling much more relaxed about things now that the baby is safely here.’ Maybe that was a conversation for another time. I reached for my keys.
‘Oh,’ she said. ‘Before you go. I’m going back to school.’
‘What?’
‘I’m going back to the school near Granny’s house. Do you remember? The one I told you about? The one I actually liked? Weekly boarding. Just for sixth form. And I’m going to live with Granny at weekends.’
I had missed a leaf with the salad dressing. ‘Oh.’
‘Sorry. I did want to tell you. But it’s all happened really fast. I was talking about it, and just on the off-chance Granny rang up the school and they said I’d be welcome, and you’ll never guess what – my friend Holly’s still there! I spoke to her on Facebook and she said she can’t wait for me to come back. I mean, I didn’t tell her everything that’s happened, and I probably won’t tell her any of it, but it was just really nice. She knew me before it all went wrong. She’s just … okay, you know?’
‘It’s a nice cake. It’s from Waitrose. Daddy doesn’t mind that it’s not homemade.’
‘Yes, he does. He’s your father. You do mind, don’t you, Granddad?’
Granddad looked from one to the other, and gave a tiny shake of his head. Around us, the conversation stuttered to a halt. Our neighbours eyed each other nervously. Bernard and Josie Clark never argued.
‘He’s just saying that because he doesn’t want to hurt your feelings.’ Dad harrumphed.
‘If his feelings aren’t hurt, Bernard, why on earth should yours be? It’s a chocolate cake. It’s not like I ignored his whole birthday.’
‘I just want you to give priority to your family! Is that too much to ask, Josie? One homemade cake?’
‘I’m here! There’s a cake, with candles! Here’s the ruddy sandwiches! I’m not off sunning myself in the Bahamas!’ Mum put her pile of plates heavily on the trestle table and folded her arms.
Dad went to speak again but she shut him up with a raised hand. ‘So, Bernard, you devoted family man, you, exactly how much of this little lot did you put together, eh?’
‘Uh-oh …’ Treena moved a step closer to me.
‘Did you buy Daddy’s new pyjamas? Did you? Did you wrap them? No. You wouldn’t even know what bloody size he is. You don’t even know what bloody size your own pants are because I BUY THEM FOR YOU. Did you get up at seven o’clock this morning to fetch the bread for the sandwiches because some eejit came back from the pub last night and decided he needed to eat two rounds of toast and left the rest of the loaf out to get stale? No. You sat on your arse reading the sports pages. You gripe away at me for weeks on end because I’ve dared to claim back twenty per cent of my life for myself, to try to work out whether there is anything else I can do before I shuffle off this mortal coil, and while I’m still doing your washing, looking after Granddad and doing the dishes, you’re there harping on at me about a shop-bought fecking cake. Well, Bernard, you can take the fecking shop-bought cake that is apparently such a sign of neglect and disrespect and you can shove it up your –’ she let out a roar ‘– up your … well … There’s the kitchen, there’s my ruddy mixing bowl, you can make one your ruddy self!’
With that, Mum flipped the cake plate upwards, so that it landed nose down in front of Dad, wiped her hands on her apron, and stomped up the garden to the house.
She stopped when she got to the patio, wrenched her apron over her head, and threw it to the ground. ‘Oh, yes! Treena? You’d better show your daddy where the recipe books are. He’s only lived here twenty-eight years. He can’t possibly be expected to know himself.’
After that, Granddad’s party didn’t last long. The neighbours drifted away, conferring in hushed tones, and thanking us effusively for the lovely party, their eyes flickering towards the kitchen. I could see they felt as thrown as I did.
‘It’s been brewing for weeks,’ Treena muttered, as we cleared the table. ‘He feels neglected. She can’t understand why he won’t just let her grow a little.’
I glanced to where Dad was grumpily picking up napkins and empty beer cans from the grass. He looked utterly miserable. I thought of my mother at the London hotel, glowing with new life. ‘But they’re old! They’re meant to have all this relationship stuff sewn up!’
My sister raised her eyebrows.
‘You don’t think … ?’
‘Of course not,’ said Treena. But she didn’t sound quite as convinced as she might have done.
I helped Treena tidy the kitchen, and played ten minutes of Super Mario with Thom. Mum stayed in her room, apparently working on her essay, and Granddad retreated with some relief to the more reliable consolations of Channel 4 Racing. I wondered if Dad had gone down the pub again, but as I stepped out of the front door to leave, there he was, sitting in the driver’s seat of his work van.
I knocked on the window and he jumped. I opened the door and slid in beside him. I’d thought maybe he was listening to sports results but the radio was silent.
He let out a long breath. ‘I bet you think I’m an old fool.’
‘You’re not an old fool, Dad.’ I nudged him. ‘Well, you’re not old.’
We sat in silence, watching the Ellis boys wheel up and down the road on their bikes, wincing in unison when the littler one took a skid too fast and slid halfway across the road.
‘I want things to stay the same. Is that so much to ask?’
‘Nothing stays the same, Dad.’
‘I just … I just miss my wife.’ He sounded so bleak.
‘You know, you could just enjoy the fact that you’re married to someone who still has a bit of life in her. Mum’s excited. She feels like she’s seeing the world through new eyes. You’ve just got to allow her some room.’
His mouth was set in a grim line.
‘She’s still your wife, Dad. She loves you.’
He finally turned to face me. ‘What if she decides that I’m the one with no life? What if all this new stuff turns her head and …’ He gulped. ‘What if she leaves me behind?’
I squeezed his hand. Then I thought better and leaned over and gave him a hug. ‘You won’t let that happen.’
The wan smile he gave me stayed with me the whole way home.
Lily came in just as I was leaving for the Moving On Circle. She had been with Camilla again, and arrived home, as she often did now, with black fingernails from gardening. They had created a whole new border for a neighbour, she said cheerfully, and the woman had been so pleased she had given Lily thirty pounds. ‘Actually, she gave us a bottle of wine too but I said Granny should keep that.’ I noted the unselfconscious ‘Granny’.
‘Oh, and I spoke to Georgina on Skype last night. I mean it was morning there, because it’s Australia, but it was really nice. She’s going to email me a whole load of pictures of when she and my dad were little. She said that I really look like him. She’s quite pretty. She has a dog called Jakob and it howls when she plays the piano.’
I put a bowl of salad and some bread and cheese on the table for Lily as she chatted on. I wondered whether to tell her that Steven Traynor had called again, the fourth time in as many weeks, hoping to persuade her to go and see the new baby. ‘We’re all family. And Della is feeling much more relaxed about things now that the baby is safely here.’ Maybe that was a conversation for another time. I reached for my keys.
‘Oh,’ she said. ‘Before you go. I’m going back to school.’
‘What?’
‘I’m going back to the school near Granny’s house. Do you remember? The one I told you about? The one I actually liked? Weekly boarding. Just for sixth form. And I’m going to live with Granny at weekends.’
I had missed a leaf with the salad dressing. ‘Oh.’
‘Sorry. I did want to tell you. But it’s all happened really fast. I was talking about it, and just on the off-chance Granny rang up the school and they said I’d be welcome, and you’ll never guess what – my friend Holly’s still there! I spoke to her on Facebook and she said she can’t wait for me to come back. I mean, I didn’t tell her everything that’s happened, and I probably won’t tell her any of it, but it was just really nice. She knew me before it all went wrong. She’s just … okay, you know?’
