Alex
Page 88
“That’s not what I’m trying to say!” he shouted at me, pulling his hands out of his pockets and throwing them out to the side helplessly.
“Then what are you trying to say?” I asked desperately, tears pooling in my eyes. “Because this is a breakup, right, Alex? This is all leading to us going our separate ways tonight, right?”
Taking a deep breath and letting it out, he looked at me apologetically. “Yes, that’s where it’s going.”
Turning my back on him, I looked blankly at my fireplace, and when I blinked, the first rush of wetness slid down my cheeks. I wiped at it quickly with the back of my hand.
“Well…at least you’re honest,” I mutter.
“Painfully so,” he murmurs sadly.
“I don’t understand,” I said, my voice quavering. “I thought we had something special.”
Walking up behind me, Alex put his hands on my shoulders and leaned in to kiss me on the top of my head. His voice was soft but the ringing tone of finality pierced my eardrums. “It was special, Sutton. Very special. But I need to get my focus back, and the only way I can think to do that is by taking a break from you right now.”
Turning around to face him, I asked incredulously, “Take a break? Sort of the way Brandon wanted to take a break from me? So he could go sow his wild oats? What? You want to go live out your career while being single, so you don’t miss out on a damn thing with an anchor tied around you?”
Alex blinked at me in surprise and I could tell he never once considered the similarity between what he was doing and what Brandon did. This infuriated me even more, so I really let him have it.
“You’re a coward, Alex,” I told him, a small sob bursting out of my mouth. “You’re too afraid to take the risk that something might actually be really good for you. You’re too scared to step outside of the little, protected, f**ked-up world that your dad created for you, and really take a chance at love. You’re so much of a coward, you gladly use me as your scapegoat, when what really is going on is that you’re still just that sad and scared little boy that your dad twisted years ago.”
My breaths were shallow and I’d worked myself up to a simmering rage. Alex was starting to get angry as evidenced by the splotches of red on his cheeks.
Pointing a finger at me, he said, “You don’t know what it was like—”
“Save it,” I cut him off. “I know more than you think I do, so you can’t bullshit me. I’m not saying it’s easy to overcome, Alex, because it’s not. It’s f**king hard as hell. But you know how you overcome it?”
He stared at me blankly for a moment then shook his head.
“You overcome it by hard work. By not giving up. By striving for something better. You learn to forgive and move on, and you learn from your pain. You don’t let it control you, and you certainly don’t hide from it.”
Alex’s gaze fell to the floor, and I could tell by the way his shoulders sagged that my words hit home. I waited for that crucial moment, where maybe he would decide to accept the challenge I laid on his doorstep, and start putting his life back together. I waited hopefully for him to realize that a shot at love is worth the hard work and pain.
Instead, he turned his back on me and walked to the door. I had to restrain myself from calling out to him. When he opened the door, he hesitated for just a moment, then said quietly, “I’m sorry.”
He never looked back before walking out of my house and out of my life.
—
Blinking hard, I try to dispel the sad memories as I stare at my computer screen. It’s almost time for lunch and I didn’t bring anything to eat, so I need to run out. The only problem is, I’m not very hungry. I’d rather gorge on and choke down my own pity party, which has kept me surprisingly full the last few weeks.
The phone on my desk rings and I pick it up. I’m at a complete loss for something cool to say as usual, so I just answer, “This is Sutton.”
“Of course it’s Sutton,” Minnie says with exasperation. “I dialed your extension.”
Yeah, Minnie has had enough of my moping around, I can tell. So, I make my voice just a bit more cheerful. “Sorry. What’s up?”
“You have a hockey god out here to see you.”
My pulse flutters wildly at the prospect that Alex has come to see me, but then Minnie brings me crashing down when she says, “A Mr. Garrett Samuelson. Wants to know if you got some time for him.”
Letting out a pent-up breath of disappointment, I say dejectedly, “Sure. I’ll be right out.”
***
“It’s uncanny, really,” Garrett says as he takes a huge bite of pizza and gazes at me across the table.
“What’s that?” I say, fiddling with my crust but making no effort to take a bite. Garrett’s visit was a complete surprise. He suggested we get a bite to eat, so we came to this local pizza joint just a few blocks from my office.
“That ‘someone kicked my puppy’ look both you and Alex seem to be wearing these days. It sort of brings me down.”
Glaring at him across the table, I say, “I’m sorry to be ruining your mood.”
He shrugs his shoulders and grins at me. “Just sayin’.”
“Why are you here, Garrett?” I ask tiredly.
Setting his slice of pizza down and wiping his hands with his napkin, he leans across the table, resting his forearms on the cracked Formica top. “Because I’m worried about Alex. He won’t tell me what happened, just that you broke up.”
“Then what are you trying to say?” I asked desperately, tears pooling in my eyes. “Because this is a breakup, right, Alex? This is all leading to us going our separate ways tonight, right?”
Taking a deep breath and letting it out, he looked at me apologetically. “Yes, that’s where it’s going.”
Turning my back on him, I looked blankly at my fireplace, and when I blinked, the first rush of wetness slid down my cheeks. I wiped at it quickly with the back of my hand.
“Well…at least you’re honest,” I mutter.
“Painfully so,” he murmurs sadly.
“I don’t understand,” I said, my voice quavering. “I thought we had something special.”
Walking up behind me, Alex put his hands on my shoulders and leaned in to kiss me on the top of my head. His voice was soft but the ringing tone of finality pierced my eardrums. “It was special, Sutton. Very special. But I need to get my focus back, and the only way I can think to do that is by taking a break from you right now.”
Turning around to face him, I asked incredulously, “Take a break? Sort of the way Brandon wanted to take a break from me? So he could go sow his wild oats? What? You want to go live out your career while being single, so you don’t miss out on a damn thing with an anchor tied around you?”
Alex blinked at me in surprise and I could tell he never once considered the similarity between what he was doing and what Brandon did. This infuriated me even more, so I really let him have it.
“You’re a coward, Alex,” I told him, a small sob bursting out of my mouth. “You’re too afraid to take the risk that something might actually be really good for you. You’re too scared to step outside of the little, protected, f**ked-up world that your dad created for you, and really take a chance at love. You’re so much of a coward, you gladly use me as your scapegoat, when what really is going on is that you’re still just that sad and scared little boy that your dad twisted years ago.”
My breaths were shallow and I’d worked myself up to a simmering rage. Alex was starting to get angry as evidenced by the splotches of red on his cheeks.
Pointing a finger at me, he said, “You don’t know what it was like—”
“Save it,” I cut him off. “I know more than you think I do, so you can’t bullshit me. I’m not saying it’s easy to overcome, Alex, because it’s not. It’s f**king hard as hell. But you know how you overcome it?”
He stared at me blankly for a moment then shook his head.
“You overcome it by hard work. By not giving up. By striving for something better. You learn to forgive and move on, and you learn from your pain. You don’t let it control you, and you certainly don’t hide from it.”
Alex’s gaze fell to the floor, and I could tell by the way his shoulders sagged that my words hit home. I waited for that crucial moment, where maybe he would decide to accept the challenge I laid on his doorstep, and start putting his life back together. I waited hopefully for him to realize that a shot at love is worth the hard work and pain.
Instead, he turned his back on me and walked to the door. I had to restrain myself from calling out to him. When he opened the door, he hesitated for just a moment, then said quietly, “I’m sorry.”
He never looked back before walking out of my house and out of my life.
—
Blinking hard, I try to dispel the sad memories as I stare at my computer screen. It’s almost time for lunch and I didn’t bring anything to eat, so I need to run out. The only problem is, I’m not very hungry. I’d rather gorge on and choke down my own pity party, which has kept me surprisingly full the last few weeks.
The phone on my desk rings and I pick it up. I’m at a complete loss for something cool to say as usual, so I just answer, “This is Sutton.”
“Of course it’s Sutton,” Minnie says with exasperation. “I dialed your extension.”
Yeah, Minnie has had enough of my moping around, I can tell. So, I make my voice just a bit more cheerful. “Sorry. What’s up?”
“You have a hockey god out here to see you.”
My pulse flutters wildly at the prospect that Alex has come to see me, but then Minnie brings me crashing down when she says, “A Mr. Garrett Samuelson. Wants to know if you got some time for him.”
Letting out a pent-up breath of disappointment, I say dejectedly, “Sure. I’ll be right out.”
***
“It’s uncanny, really,” Garrett says as he takes a huge bite of pizza and gazes at me across the table.
“What’s that?” I say, fiddling with my crust but making no effort to take a bite. Garrett’s visit was a complete surprise. He suggested we get a bite to eat, so we came to this local pizza joint just a few blocks from my office.
“That ‘someone kicked my puppy’ look both you and Alex seem to be wearing these days. It sort of brings me down.”
Glaring at him across the table, I say, “I’m sorry to be ruining your mood.”
He shrugs his shoulders and grins at me. “Just sayin’.”
“Why are you here, Garrett?” I ask tiredly.
Setting his slice of pizza down and wiping his hands with his napkin, he leans across the table, resting his forearms on the cracked Formica top. “Because I’m worried about Alex. He won’t tell me what happened, just that you broke up.”
