All for This
Page 14
“What does all of that have to do with Max? With me?”
Maggie shakes her head and gives a sardonic smile. “Men,” she mutters. “Of course you don’t get it.”
“Enlighten me.”
“She doesn’t even know who she is anymore. Her whole perception of herself has been blown to pieces because now two great guys want her. And to answer your question? Yes. She loves him.”
I tear my eyes away from her and grab my guitar because I need something to do with my hands.
“She loves you too. You know that. You can’t tell me you can spend two seconds around her without feeling it.”
“But?”
Maggie shrugs. “The choice isn’t mine.”
I strum a chord on the guitar—the opening chord to the song with the elusive lyrics. In my mind, it’s always been “Hanna’s song,” but I never called it that. The first chord, then the second.
“I never believed she’d choose him,” I say softly. “Maybe I didn’t realize it at the time, but in retrospect, I know I thought I was the easy choice.”
“Why?”
“Because she fits me. Because life was this crazy, chaotic disappointment and then Hanna came along and everything got quiet. Everything slowed down. It’s like I spent my whole life only half filling my lungs because I was too busy running to the next thing. She makes me take a deep breath. She silences the bullshit and washes away my ambivalence.” I drag a hand through my hair. “And I assumed that I did all of that for her too.”
Maggie studies me for a quiet minute. “You’re not so bad, Nate Crane.”
“I’m a f**k-up,” I mutter. “A f**k-up who can’t keep his promise.”
“What promise is that?”
“I promised that, if she chose him, I’d let her go. I promised that I wouldn’t make her second-guess her decision.”
“You think you broke that promise?”
I shake my head, grinning now. “No. But I plan to.”
“SOMEBODY HAD a late night,” I call when Liz pushes into the bakery.
She looks like hell warmed over this morning. Her blond curls are pulled back in a ponytail and her eyes are barely open. And thank God she’s here. Mom showed up twenty minutes ago and has been quizzing me about my plans for the twins. It’s not even seven a.m. and my brain is spinning with information on breastfeeding and the dangers of co-sleeping as well as her opinions about the attachment parenting movement.
“It’s not the late night that’s the problem,” Liz mutters. “It’s the early morning.”
Mom frowns at her and clears her throat. “Claudia Bauer saw you leaving Sam Bradshaw’s apartment the other day. Sam’s a nice boy, but if you give him what he wants now, he’s never going to marry you.”
Liz narrows her puffy eyes at Mom. “I don’t want to marry Sam,” she growls, heading for the coffee. “I just want to f**k him.”
Mom gasps, and I have to bite my lip to keep from laughing. Seriously, the woman should know better than to pick a fight with Liz this early in the morning. Liz and mornings are mortal enemies, and she takes her loathing out on everyone stupid enough to get too close.
Mom huffs. “I’ll say an extra prayer for you at church, Elizabeth. Your sister Maggie went through this phase too. And now Hanna’s having babies out of wedlock. Heaven help me, you’d think I didn’t bring my girls up in the Church.”
Liz mutters something unintelligible under her breath. Probably for the best that Mom couldn’t hear.
I pack up an assortment of pastries and see Mom to the door. “Take these for your Bible study group,” I say. When she’s gone, I turn to Liz. “I cannot believe you just told our mother you were using Sam Bradshaw for sex.”
She chugs half her cup of creamer-and-sugar-filled coffee before replying. “I didn’t say I was using him for sex. I said I don’t want to marry him. I want to f**k him. And the look on her face was totally worth it.”
“You’re going to burn in hell.” I giggle.
“Well, I’ll have the best company.” She laughs, but then her face goes serious again. “I have to tell you something.”
“I don’t know if I like the sound of that.”
Sighing, she avoids my gaze. “You know how much I appreciate my job, don’t you? I mean, you took me in and gave me work when you were pissed at me for the whole Max thing. Even though I totally wish you would have told me that’s why you were pissed, I still think it’s pretty awesome that you did that for me.”
“Are you quitting?”
“Yeah,” she says. “Kind of. Do you hate me?”
“Of course not! Did you get a new job? That’s great!” I hug her, and when I draw back, she’s grinning.
“I’m so excited. One of the girls who graduated from the El Ed program with me is starting a preschool, and she wants me to be her partner. Isn’t that awesome?”
“Oh, Liz! That’s great! I’m so happy for you!”
She frowns. “But you already work too much, and now that you’re pregnant, I really hate leaving.”
“Don’t worry about it,” I insist. “I never intended to have you here forever. You were helping me with my dream, and now it’s time for you to go after yours.”
“Best. Sister. Ever,” she whispers.
Maggie shakes her head and gives a sardonic smile. “Men,” she mutters. “Of course you don’t get it.”
“Enlighten me.”
“She doesn’t even know who she is anymore. Her whole perception of herself has been blown to pieces because now two great guys want her. And to answer your question? Yes. She loves him.”
I tear my eyes away from her and grab my guitar because I need something to do with my hands.
“She loves you too. You know that. You can’t tell me you can spend two seconds around her without feeling it.”
“But?”
Maggie shrugs. “The choice isn’t mine.”
I strum a chord on the guitar—the opening chord to the song with the elusive lyrics. In my mind, it’s always been “Hanna’s song,” but I never called it that. The first chord, then the second.
“I never believed she’d choose him,” I say softly. “Maybe I didn’t realize it at the time, but in retrospect, I know I thought I was the easy choice.”
“Why?”
“Because she fits me. Because life was this crazy, chaotic disappointment and then Hanna came along and everything got quiet. Everything slowed down. It’s like I spent my whole life only half filling my lungs because I was too busy running to the next thing. She makes me take a deep breath. She silences the bullshit and washes away my ambivalence.” I drag a hand through my hair. “And I assumed that I did all of that for her too.”
Maggie studies me for a quiet minute. “You’re not so bad, Nate Crane.”
“I’m a f**k-up,” I mutter. “A f**k-up who can’t keep his promise.”
“What promise is that?”
“I promised that, if she chose him, I’d let her go. I promised that I wouldn’t make her second-guess her decision.”
“You think you broke that promise?”
I shake my head, grinning now. “No. But I plan to.”
“SOMEBODY HAD a late night,” I call when Liz pushes into the bakery.
She looks like hell warmed over this morning. Her blond curls are pulled back in a ponytail and her eyes are barely open. And thank God she’s here. Mom showed up twenty minutes ago and has been quizzing me about my plans for the twins. It’s not even seven a.m. and my brain is spinning with information on breastfeeding and the dangers of co-sleeping as well as her opinions about the attachment parenting movement.
“It’s not the late night that’s the problem,” Liz mutters. “It’s the early morning.”
Mom frowns at her and clears her throat. “Claudia Bauer saw you leaving Sam Bradshaw’s apartment the other day. Sam’s a nice boy, but if you give him what he wants now, he’s never going to marry you.”
Liz narrows her puffy eyes at Mom. “I don’t want to marry Sam,” she growls, heading for the coffee. “I just want to f**k him.”
Mom gasps, and I have to bite my lip to keep from laughing. Seriously, the woman should know better than to pick a fight with Liz this early in the morning. Liz and mornings are mortal enemies, and she takes her loathing out on everyone stupid enough to get too close.
Mom huffs. “I’ll say an extra prayer for you at church, Elizabeth. Your sister Maggie went through this phase too. And now Hanna’s having babies out of wedlock. Heaven help me, you’d think I didn’t bring my girls up in the Church.”
Liz mutters something unintelligible under her breath. Probably for the best that Mom couldn’t hear.
I pack up an assortment of pastries and see Mom to the door. “Take these for your Bible study group,” I say. When she’s gone, I turn to Liz. “I cannot believe you just told our mother you were using Sam Bradshaw for sex.”
She chugs half her cup of creamer-and-sugar-filled coffee before replying. “I didn’t say I was using him for sex. I said I don’t want to marry him. I want to f**k him. And the look on her face was totally worth it.”
“You’re going to burn in hell.” I giggle.
“Well, I’ll have the best company.” She laughs, but then her face goes serious again. “I have to tell you something.”
“I don’t know if I like the sound of that.”
Sighing, she avoids my gaze. “You know how much I appreciate my job, don’t you? I mean, you took me in and gave me work when you were pissed at me for the whole Max thing. Even though I totally wish you would have told me that’s why you were pissed, I still think it’s pretty awesome that you did that for me.”
“Are you quitting?”
“Yeah,” she says. “Kind of. Do you hate me?”
“Of course not! Did you get a new job? That’s great!” I hug her, and when I draw back, she’s grinning.
“I’m so excited. One of the girls who graduated from the El Ed program with me is starting a preschool, and she wants me to be her partner. Isn’t that awesome?”
“Oh, Liz! That’s great! I’m so happy for you!”
She frowns. “But you already work too much, and now that you’re pregnant, I really hate leaving.”
“Don’t worry about it,” I insist. “I never intended to have you here forever. You were helping me with my dream, and now it’s time for you to go after yours.”
“Best. Sister. Ever,” she whispers.
