All He Needs
Page 72
It wasn’t about Bets. That would have been easier.
The silence lengthened.
“Say something.”
His gaze was shuttered. “What do you want me to say?”
“I think I’ve heard that line before. But this isn’t a multiple choice question. Tell me what you’re thinking.”
He smiled faintly. “I’m thinking that I wish you weren’t asking me to tell you what I was thinking.”
“Why?”
“Because I don’t want to piss you off.”
This time she smiled just a little. “That bad, hey?”
“No, it’s not bad. Nothing about you is bad. It’s just that I don’t know what I’m thinking. My brain doesn’t work like that.”
“Are you uncomfortable? Uncertain?” She grinned, feeling elated now that she’d made her confession; all the pressure of not talking about her feelings was gone. “Are you wishing I’d shut up?”
“Yes.”
Her brows rose. She’d rather know than not know. And it wasn’t as though she seriously expected Dominic to hand her a ring.
“Yes to all that.” An almost inaudible sigh, then his lashes lifted and he gave her a long critical look. “Look, baby, you don’t understand,” he said softly, his blue eyes surprisingly open now. “No one ever asks me what I’m feeling. And even if they did, I’m guessing those doors were closed and locked long ago. I don’t sort out my feelings, I don’t know how. In any case, they’re irrelevant to the actions I take. My activities are based on pragmatic decisions.”
“Am I a pragmatic decision?”
“I knew you were going to say that,” he grumbled, raking his hand through his hair, hitting his knuckles on the headboard and wincing. He rubbed his knuckles, dropped his hand on the bed. “I don’t know what you are. I don’t know what fucking day it is when I’m screwing you or waiting to screw you and just finished screwing you. You’ve made my life a total take-no-prisoners clusterfuck. This is the second time I’ve walked away from my world for you, because of you… because of my obsession with you. So you might be in love, I don’t know what that means, but I’m fucking involved, if that’s what you’re wondering—in ways I’ve never been before.” He scowled at her. “But that’s all I know. Don’t expect me to know what love is. I don’t.”
“Even with your wife you didn’t know about love?” She shouldn’t have said it; she knew she shouldn’t have even before his whole body went completely rigid.
“I’m not talking about Julia,” he said tightly.
“But I want to know,” she said bluntly, staring him down. “So you might as well tell me.”
He didn’t say anything for a long time.
“I can outlast you,” she whispered. “Or maybe I should start undressing.” She gave him an impudent smile. “That always gets your attention.”
He gave her a nasty look. “I don’t know why the fuck I put up with you.”
“Because I don’t roll over like the rest of them. I make you work for it. So tell me.”
She saw him flex his hands into fists, saw him stretch his fingers wide, figured he was trying to decide how little to tell her.
He looked at her with visible unease and when he finally spoke, his voice was so soft she had to lean in slightly to hear him. “I thought I knew what wanting someone meant. Being with them, doing things together, liking the same people, the same activities, never arguing. I never knew it could be like this, like it is with you.” He took a breath before he went on. “Julia was my best friend, my companion. You’re my obsession, my craziness, my waking dream. So if you’re wondering how I feel? I’m here. When I could be a thousand other places.” A muscle twitched along his jaw. “What I don’t know is how long these feelings will last, whether this—us—will last. Whether we’ll feel the same way about each other at the same time—now, tomorrow… whenever. That’s all unknown and I don’t deal well with unknowns. Also, you’re very young. You haven’t lived much, while I’ve stretched the limits of excess, lived an unchecked and incorrigible life. And while I’m not completely altruistic, your innocence is a consideration. The fact that I might be taking advantage of that innocence is a consideration. You should have choices. And I’m not sure I want to give you those choices.”
“Done now?”
He shrugged. “I guess.”
“Okay. A couple things. First, I don’t love you kindly, like some Jane Austen heroine who’s going to pine away if you leave me. Or at least I won’t pine forever. I’ll find someone else. Everyone does. But right now, right this minute, I love you like I’m on fire, or in the eye of a hurricane; I love you wildly, maybe even violently. I’m not a Bets, whatever her deal is. Don’t get me wrong. I’d miss you like hell. I did last time. But I wouldn’t have come after you. I just wouldn’t. If you don’t want me, I figure it’s your loss.” She grinned. “Arrogant bitch, hey? But then you know about arrogance, don’t you?”
“Probably.” He smiled faintly. “It sounds as if you’ve got this pretty well covered?”
“I’ve been thinking about telling you for a while. And watching all those women tonight, wanting you to notice them, talk to them, give them a smile, made it super clear that if you didn’t want me, I couldn’t make you want me.” Her lashes dipped slightly. “See—maybe I’m pragmatic too.”
The silence lengthened.
“Say something.”
His gaze was shuttered. “What do you want me to say?”
“I think I’ve heard that line before. But this isn’t a multiple choice question. Tell me what you’re thinking.”
He smiled faintly. “I’m thinking that I wish you weren’t asking me to tell you what I was thinking.”
“Why?”
“Because I don’t want to piss you off.”
This time she smiled just a little. “That bad, hey?”
“No, it’s not bad. Nothing about you is bad. It’s just that I don’t know what I’m thinking. My brain doesn’t work like that.”
“Are you uncomfortable? Uncertain?” She grinned, feeling elated now that she’d made her confession; all the pressure of not talking about her feelings was gone. “Are you wishing I’d shut up?”
“Yes.”
Her brows rose. She’d rather know than not know. And it wasn’t as though she seriously expected Dominic to hand her a ring.
“Yes to all that.” An almost inaudible sigh, then his lashes lifted and he gave her a long critical look. “Look, baby, you don’t understand,” he said softly, his blue eyes surprisingly open now. “No one ever asks me what I’m feeling. And even if they did, I’m guessing those doors were closed and locked long ago. I don’t sort out my feelings, I don’t know how. In any case, they’re irrelevant to the actions I take. My activities are based on pragmatic decisions.”
“Am I a pragmatic decision?”
“I knew you were going to say that,” he grumbled, raking his hand through his hair, hitting his knuckles on the headboard and wincing. He rubbed his knuckles, dropped his hand on the bed. “I don’t know what you are. I don’t know what fucking day it is when I’m screwing you or waiting to screw you and just finished screwing you. You’ve made my life a total take-no-prisoners clusterfuck. This is the second time I’ve walked away from my world for you, because of you… because of my obsession with you. So you might be in love, I don’t know what that means, but I’m fucking involved, if that’s what you’re wondering—in ways I’ve never been before.” He scowled at her. “But that’s all I know. Don’t expect me to know what love is. I don’t.”
“Even with your wife you didn’t know about love?” She shouldn’t have said it; she knew she shouldn’t have even before his whole body went completely rigid.
“I’m not talking about Julia,” he said tightly.
“But I want to know,” she said bluntly, staring him down. “So you might as well tell me.”
He didn’t say anything for a long time.
“I can outlast you,” she whispered. “Or maybe I should start undressing.” She gave him an impudent smile. “That always gets your attention.”
He gave her a nasty look. “I don’t know why the fuck I put up with you.”
“Because I don’t roll over like the rest of them. I make you work for it. So tell me.”
She saw him flex his hands into fists, saw him stretch his fingers wide, figured he was trying to decide how little to tell her.
He looked at her with visible unease and when he finally spoke, his voice was so soft she had to lean in slightly to hear him. “I thought I knew what wanting someone meant. Being with them, doing things together, liking the same people, the same activities, never arguing. I never knew it could be like this, like it is with you.” He took a breath before he went on. “Julia was my best friend, my companion. You’re my obsession, my craziness, my waking dream. So if you’re wondering how I feel? I’m here. When I could be a thousand other places.” A muscle twitched along his jaw. “What I don’t know is how long these feelings will last, whether this—us—will last. Whether we’ll feel the same way about each other at the same time—now, tomorrow… whenever. That’s all unknown and I don’t deal well with unknowns. Also, you’re very young. You haven’t lived much, while I’ve stretched the limits of excess, lived an unchecked and incorrigible life. And while I’m not completely altruistic, your innocence is a consideration. The fact that I might be taking advantage of that innocence is a consideration. You should have choices. And I’m not sure I want to give you those choices.”
“Done now?”
He shrugged. “I guess.”
“Okay. A couple things. First, I don’t love you kindly, like some Jane Austen heroine who’s going to pine away if you leave me. Or at least I won’t pine forever. I’ll find someone else. Everyone does. But right now, right this minute, I love you like I’m on fire, or in the eye of a hurricane; I love you wildly, maybe even violently. I’m not a Bets, whatever her deal is. Don’t get me wrong. I’d miss you like hell. I did last time. But I wouldn’t have come after you. I just wouldn’t. If you don’t want me, I figure it’s your loss.” She grinned. “Arrogant bitch, hey? But then you know about arrogance, don’t you?”
“Probably.” He smiled faintly. “It sounds as if you’ve got this pretty well covered?”
“I’ve been thinking about telling you for a while. And watching all those women tonight, wanting you to notice them, talk to them, give them a smile, made it super clear that if you didn’t want me, I couldn’t make you want me.” Her lashes dipped slightly. “See—maybe I’m pragmatic too.”
