All I Need is You
Page 39
“Wanting isn’t the problem, Kay. It never has been. You know I want you. More than my next breath.”
“Do you honestly think that helps? Knowing that you want me as much as I want you, but I still can’t have you. It’s torture, Eli. Telling me to move on doesn’t make me forget. If you want me to have even a chance to move on, help me understand. Tell me what you’ve done that’s so horrible.” She looked at him and the tears in her eyes almost broke him. “It would be so much easier if I could hate you. Even just a little.”
Eli realized then that he’d made a mistake keeping her in the dark. It had been nothing more than his own narcissism, his own egotistical desire to keep her love, to have her look at him like he was her hero, that had kept him silent. He had the means to help her get over him, and he’d just been too selfish to use it.
The truth. All he had to do was tell her the truth. She’d never look at him the same way again.
“You’re right. I’ve been keeping things from you and that ends tonight. I’ll tell you everything. Then you’ll understand.”
And she’d finally be free.
DINNER WAS MAINLY a silent affair. Kay shoveled in the chicken breast she’d sautéed, trying to hurry up and get to the part where he told her his story. They’d both showered and changed clothes as soon as they got home, and then Eli had disappeared while she made dinner. They hadn’t spoken the entire time. Hope seemed to sense the tension because she was cranky and cried off and on while Kay was trying to feed her.
“Do you want some of mine?” Eli held out a small piece of chicken on his fork. To Kay’s surprise, Hope immediately leaned forward.
“Careful,” Eli crooned. He allowed Hope to take the bite and then pulled back. “It’s just a small piece. That’s okay, right?”
Kay nodded. “I’m just surprised she took it. I always have to trick her into eating when she’s cranky like this.”
“I think it’s just the novelty of having me feed her. Here, let me try.” He held out his arms and Kay allowed Hope to crawl into his lap. He grinned down at the baby and fed her tiny pieces from his plate. Hope stared up at him the entire time, seemingly fascinated.
“Whoa, what is she doing?” Eli struggled to keep a grip on the baby as she squirmed in his arms. Finally, she turned over and then stood up, her tiny feet balancing on his thighs. She slapped two hands on his bald head and squealed. Delighted with this new toy, she patted his head again and then tried to move his head backward and forward.
Kay giggled along with her daughter. “I think she’s fascinated with your head.”
“I never thought I’d hear that from a woman.” A rare smile crossed Eli’s face and his deep chuckle rumbled through the room, the sound causing a bubble of joy to escape her own mouth.
How beautiful a sound to hear him laugh. It was the kind of thing dreams were made of, to have her daughter and the man she loved laughing and happy.
And she did love him, she thought. No matter what he told her, it wouldn’t take away that obvious truth.
She loved his gentle heart, his tender way with her daughter, his firm refusal to allow anyone to put her down including herself. In that moment, Kay knew for certain that nothing he could tell her would change that.
They worked together, cleaning the table and the kitchen. By tacit unspoken agreement, neither brought up the conversation they knew was coming. It was like a last moment of calm before the storm. She just wanted to enjoy it. Because even though she knew it wouldn’t change her feelings, there was no denying that whatever he’d done might impact their future. It was impossible not to speculate on what it could be. What if he was a drug addict? What if he’d killed people?
Kay bathed Hope in the hall bathroom and then rocked her until she fell asleep. She kissed the baby on her soft, fragrant cheek and then placed her carefully in the playpen. For a moment, she watched her sleep, her tiny features so peaceful. Peace was hard to come by lately.
When she left the room and emerged into the living room, Eli had dimmed the lights and a fire crackled cheerfully in the hearth. The flames threw soft light and shadows across the room.
Kay sat on the edge of the couch and waited. She heard Eli before she saw him. He entered the room from the kitchen and sat on the other end of the couch. It dipped under his weight, bouncing Kay slightly.
“I had just finished college when I met him,” Eli said.
Kay turned her head at his statement. She was afraid to move or breathe wrong for fear that he’d stop. So she said nothing and just waited.
“I was only twenty-two. Only a little older than you are now. Thought I knew everything.” He chuckled but she could tell he wasn’t at all amused. There was a wealth of pain in the sound.
“His name was Justice. Or at least that’s the name he went by then. There was nothing exceptional about him at first glance. He could have been anyone. He could blend into any crowd, fit in with any group. It wasn’t until later that I learned it was a skill he’d learned and developed over the years. A skill that I would learn and develop as well.”
He was quiet for a time, gazing into the fire and twisting his hands in his lap. There was just the soft crackle of the flames and the creak of his knuckles as he clenched and released his fingers.
“The first time I went with him on a mission, it was to break into a local gang’s hideout. They were into running just about anything you could think of. Drugs, booze, women. If they could make money from it, they were doing it. Our job was to get the girls out. To set them free. And we did. Or at least I thought we did.”
“Do you honestly think that helps? Knowing that you want me as much as I want you, but I still can’t have you. It’s torture, Eli. Telling me to move on doesn’t make me forget. If you want me to have even a chance to move on, help me understand. Tell me what you’ve done that’s so horrible.” She looked at him and the tears in her eyes almost broke him. “It would be so much easier if I could hate you. Even just a little.”
Eli realized then that he’d made a mistake keeping her in the dark. It had been nothing more than his own narcissism, his own egotistical desire to keep her love, to have her look at him like he was her hero, that had kept him silent. He had the means to help her get over him, and he’d just been too selfish to use it.
The truth. All he had to do was tell her the truth. She’d never look at him the same way again.
“You’re right. I’ve been keeping things from you and that ends tonight. I’ll tell you everything. Then you’ll understand.”
And she’d finally be free.
DINNER WAS MAINLY a silent affair. Kay shoveled in the chicken breast she’d sautéed, trying to hurry up and get to the part where he told her his story. They’d both showered and changed clothes as soon as they got home, and then Eli had disappeared while she made dinner. They hadn’t spoken the entire time. Hope seemed to sense the tension because she was cranky and cried off and on while Kay was trying to feed her.
“Do you want some of mine?” Eli held out a small piece of chicken on his fork. To Kay’s surprise, Hope immediately leaned forward.
“Careful,” Eli crooned. He allowed Hope to take the bite and then pulled back. “It’s just a small piece. That’s okay, right?”
Kay nodded. “I’m just surprised she took it. I always have to trick her into eating when she’s cranky like this.”
“I think it’s just the novelty of having me feed her. Here, let me try.” He held out his arms and Kay allowed Hope to crawl into his lap. He grinned down at the baby and fed her tiny pieces from his plate. Hope stared up at him the entire time, seemingly fascinated.
“Whoa, what is she doing?” Eli struggled to keep a grip on the baby as she squirmed in his arms. Finally, she turned over and then stood up, her tiny feet balancing on his thighs. She slapped two hands on his bald head and squealed. Delighted with this new toy, she patted his head again and then tried to move his head backward and forward.
Kay giggled along with her daughter. “I think she’s fascinated with your head.”
“I never thought I’d hear that from a woman.” A rare smile crossed Eli’s face and his deep chuckle rumbled through the room, the sound causing a bubble of joy to escape her own mouth.
How beautiful a sound to hear him laugh. It was the kind of thing dreams were made of, to have her daughter and the man she loved laughing and happy.
And she did love him, she thought. No matter what he told her, it wouldn’t take away that obvious truth.
She loved his gentle heart, his tender way with her daughter, his firm refusal to allow anyone to put her down including herself. In that moment, Kay knew for certain that nothing he could tell her would change that.
They worked together, cleaning the table and the kitchen. By tacit unspoken agreement, neither brought up the conversation they knew was coming. It was like a last moment of calm before the storm. She just wanted to enjoy it. Because even though she knew it wouldn’t change her feelings, there was no denying that whatever he’d done might impact their future. It was impossible not to speculate on what it could be. What if he was a drug addict? What if he’d killed people?
Kay bathed Hope in the hall bathroom and then rocked her until she fell asleep. She kissed the baby on her soft, fragrant cheek and then placed her carefully in the playpen. For a moment, she watched her sleep, her tiny features so peaceful. Peace was hard to come by lately.
When she left the room and emerged into the living room, Eli had dimmed the lights and a fire crackled cheerfully in the hearth. The flames threw soft light and shadows across the room.
Kay sat on the edge of the couch and waited. She heard Eli before she saw him. He entered the room from the kitchen and sat on the other end of the couch. It dipped under his weight, bouncing Kay slightly.
“I had just finished college when I met him,” Eli said.
Kay turned her head at his statement. She was afraid to move or breathe wrong for fear that he’d stop. So she said nothing and just waited.
“I was only twenty-two. Only a little older than you are now. Thought I knew everything.” He chuckled but she could tell he wasn’t at all amused. There was a wealth of pain in the sound.
“His name was Justice. Or at least that’s the name he went by then. There was nothing exceptional about him at first glance. He could have been anyone. He could blend into any crowd, fit in with any group. It wasn’t until later that I learned it was a skill he’d learned and developed over the years. A skill that I would learn and develop as well.”
He was quiet for a time, gazing into the fire and twisting his hands in his lap. There was just the soft crackle of the flames and the creak of his knuckles as he clenched and released his fingers.
“The first time I went with him on a mission, it was to break into a local gang’s hideout. They were into running just about anything you could think of. Drugs, booze, women. If they could make money from it, they were doing it. Our job was to get the girls out. To set them free. And we did. Or at least I thought we did.”
