All She Wants for Christmas
Page 7
She shot him a look. “Wha…what are you doing?”
“Warming you.” He pulled her against him. “Are you out of your mind running out of the house without a coat? It’s five degrees outside.”
No wonder she thought she was going to die out there.
She wanted to argue with him, but he’d opened his coat and drew her against his chest and he was so damn warm all she could think about was the heat of his body. She was shivering uncontrollably now and couldn’t seem to stop her teeth from chattering.
“I’ll be f…f…fine in a minute. Then you c…can let me go.”
He rubbed her back and hair, his voice gentle. “I know. I will.”
The snow came down harder now, obliterating her vision of the outside. The heater and their breath fogged the windshield and windows, reminding her of what they used to do in his car to steam up the windows. It had a lot to do with body heat, but not because she’d been stupid and walked outside in the cold. Those thoughts and memories coupled with being in his arms again warmed her more than the heater.
“I…I’m…”
“Shhh. Just relax, Riley. Your body is so cold. I’m not going to move this car until you’re warm, so you can just listen to me.”
She was still shaking, so he was probably right.
“I’m sorry. Really sorry. I was out of line. Seems like I’m always hurting you and I never meant to. The things I said were unforgiveable. It was a knee-jerk reaction.”
“More like a jerk reaction.”
He laughed, the sound deep and vibrating against his chest.
“You’re right there. I was a total jerk. For some reason you bring out the worst in me.”
“Gee, thanks.”
“Not what I meant. God, Riley, I just make a mess of things when I’m around you, don’t I?”
“You seem to.” She wasn’t going to let him off easy. Not this time.
“If you don’t want me to talk to the television people, I won’t.”
She listened to his heart beating against his chest, so strong and sure. She had always believed in Ethan. From the time she was fourteen years old he’d been her rock, her lifeline, and everything she’d loved.
Until Amanda.
She’d been running away from the answer for so long. It was time to stop and just ask the damn question.
“Tell me about Amanda.”
She felt his heart speed up.
“What do you want to know?”
She lifted her head and met his curious, wary gaze. “Why did you choose her over me? I didn’t even know you were interested in her.”
He offered up a half smile. “I wasn’t. She wanted me.”
Riley frowned. “No she didn’t.”
“Honey, she had a thing for me for years. She wanted me as much as she wanted the career you ended up with.”
She shook her head. “That’s not true. I mean, yes, she was a singer, too. A great singer. Of course that’s the career she was after.”
Riley and Amanda had met in choir freshman year. Amanda had a beautiful voice, clear and strong. Her parents had spent a fortune on private lessons. Amanda intended to go to college and study music. Fame was in her future, she’d told Riley. She wanted to front a rock band, or become a pop star.
She had the chops for it. Riley had been mesmerized by Amanda’s voice. They’d spend hours together at Amanda’s house, harmonizing on songs.
They’d become friends and had been inseparable in all things.
Except Amanda had never had a boyfriend. She said she was too busy with her singing lessons to worry about boys. But she’d never begrudged Riley’s relationship with Ethan, because Riley had always included her. She’d never shut Amanda out, had always tried to fix her up with guys so they could double date. Amanda went, though it was half hearted. Nothing ever came of those dates. Amanda never seemed intrigued enough by any of the guys to end up with a boyfriend, though she was beautiful, with mink brown hair, emerald green eyes and her captivating voice.
“She never told me she was interested in you. She never even dated anyone long term in high school. I didn’t know.”
Ethan nodded. “She didn’t want you to know. She was so jealous of you, Riley. Of your voice, your relationship with me. You had everything she wanted.”
“No. That’s not true. That’s not the Amanda I knew.”
Ethan sighed. “There were parts of her you never knew about. Hell, I didn’t even know about them until after you were gone.”
“Like what?” She couldn’t believe the things he was telling her about Amanda.
“Like her fear that you were more talented than she was, that her voice would never measure up to yours.”
“How can that be? I’d never had training, and she’d been taking voice lessons her whole life. Her singing was beautiful.”
He swept her hair away from her face. “You’ve been in the business long enough to know that all the lessons in the world can’t compete with raw ability. That’s what you had, Riley. You might not have had all the training she had, but you had natural talent, and no training can compare to that. And when it was clear your talent would outshine her, that you were destined for big things, she decided to take the one thing from you she knew she could.”
Riley almost couldn’t say the word out loud, but knew she had to know the truth. “You.”
He nodded.
“How?”
“You sure you want to know all of it?”
“Yes.” Because she refused to believe that Ethan loved her one day and just decided to switch to Amanda the next. Though she had believed it, hadn’t she? She’d spent the past ten years believing it. Maybe it was time she let Ethan tell her what really happened.
“She called me one night in tears. It was right after graduation and she said she’d been turned down for a scholarship to Julliard, the one and only place she really wanted to go.”
“But she’d gotten so many scholarships to so many different schools. She could have chosen from…what? Five or six?”
He shrugged. “I didn’t really know what she was talking about, but you know we’d all gotten close. She was always where you were, so I considered her a friend. I trusted her. I don’t remember where you were. She said she couldn’t get hold of you and there was no one else to talk to, so I went over there to give her some comfort because she was pretty freaked out. We were drinking beer, then whiskey. Her parents were gone, and you know Amanda always had a lot of freedom and access to whatever she wanted. And then we were drinking a lot. I was trying to make her feel better. It was stupid. We were talking and talking and I thought I had relaxed her by making her laugh. Hell, I was drunk as hell. Next thing I know it’s morning. I wake up in bed with Amanda na**d next to me, and you’re standing there.”
“Did you have sex with her?”
He shrugged. “No. At least I don’t think I did, but maybe I did. I don’t even remember what happened that night. Does it matter? I shouldn’t have put myself in the position to be alone with her. I should have called you right away. I shouldn’t have been there drinking with her. It was stupid and I let her manipulate me, but I had to take responsibility for being there, even if nothing happened. I knew from the look in your eyes you believed what you saw.”
She had believed it. She and Amanda had plans that morning. Plans Amanda had organized. She’d walked into Amanda’s room and found the boy she loved na**d in bed with her best friend.
She’d believed right away what she saw, put two and two together and figured Ethan had slept with Amanda, that Ethan had seduced her best friend. She’d assumed she hadn’t been enough for him, that he’d wanted what Amanda could offer him.
And she’d never spoken to either of them again. Hurt and rage had taken over, and she’d left town the next day without asking for explanations, without seeing Ethan again.
It had been a knee-jerk reaction, a youthful reaction.
“So she manipulated us both.”
“I guess.”
“Why did you marry her?”
“She was pregnant. And it was mine. Or so she told me.”
“You got proof?”
“She showed me the pregnancy test. I had no choice but to believe her. You said it yourself. She was never around other guys.”
Her eyes widened. “You mean she got pregnant after that night?”
“Yeah, I guess, because I didn’t sleep with her again after that.”
“So you did have sex with her.”
He laughed. “I have no idea. I don’t think I did. If I did, I sure as hell don’t remember it, but I wasn’t one hundred percent confident, so I was kind of stuck. I couldn’t deny I was in bed with her that morning.”
“What about her scholarship? Did she really lose it?”
“Doubtful. I think she was just afraid she’d never be as good as you. And she’d taken me away from you, so that was her triumph. So I married her. And then she miscarried a couple months later.”
“I’m sorry, Ethan.”
He dragged his fingers through his hair and laughed. “You know what? So was I at the time. As hurt and angry as I was with her, I was still upset when she lost the baby. I didn’t love her, but I wanted the kid.”
“You didn’t love her?”
“No. I never loved her. I did what was right and took responsibility. I screwed up and I paid the price for making a mess of my life. But I was in love with you, not her.”
Riley’s heart squeezed. She so wanted to believe that. “But you stayed married to her.”
He let out a short laugh. “Yeah. I did.”
“Why?”
He lifted his gaze to hers, the pain in his eyes so raw she wanted to run from it. “Because when I commit to someone, I honor that commitment. I said I was going to be with her until death do us part. That meant something to me.”
Riley blinked back the tears. That was Ethan. Once he had committed to her, he’d stuck by her side. Until she’d left him, hadn’t allowed him to explain what happened that night with Amanda.
“Did you ever love her?”
“I’d like to say yes. You knew her. She might have been a little spoiled, but she had her moments. She was fun and a little wild and crazy. And she could be so sweet and loving. And then we had Zoey.”
Riley smiled. “Zoey is amazing.”
“She is. I’ll always be grateful to Amanda for giving me Zoey. She’s the best part of my life. And Amanda was a wonderful mother. She seemed to settle after we had Zoey. It was almost as if she’d found what she was searching for.”
“And then she got sick.”
He nodded. “It devastated her, knowing she was going to leave Zoey behind. She felt as if that was somehow a punishment for all the lying and hurt she’d caused.”
Riley’s throat constricted. “Oh, God. That’s not fair.”
“She didn’t think it was, either. Neither did I. But we weren’t in charge. And Zoey lost her mother.”
Riley felt sick inside. “I’m so sorry, Ethan. For you, for Amanda and for Zoey.”
“I’m the one who’s sorry. There are so many things I could have done differently that night. When Amanda called, I should have called you to see what was up. I could have tried to find you to make you come over there with me. I didn’t do that. I just assumed what Amanda said, that you weren’t home. And when you ran off that morning after finding us together, I went after you. God, I spent days trying to find you.”
Riley’s heart stuttered. “You did?”
“Of course I did. I searched everywhere. I didn’t know where you went. I was crazy worried about you. But then I thought…you know what? Maybe you’re better off without me. Maybe this is for the best. I was such a f**king coward letting you go. I should have tried harder to find you.”
“Oh, Ethan, I didn’t know you came looking for me.”
He shrugged. “It wasn’t enough. I should have tried harder. But look at you now, look at what you’ve done with your life. If I had found you, you might never have all you have now. I can’t regret that for you, you know? Sometimes destiny plays a big part in things. Maybe I was supposed to screw this all up so you could become famous.”
She tilted her head. “Is that some kind of twisted logic?”
“Maybe. It’s not an excuse though. All of this is my fault. And I’ll never be able to say I’m sorry enough times to make it stop hurting you. I know that. But I’m still sorry. I’m sorry for hurting you, and for what happened with Amanda.”
She saw him in a new light. “That’s a load of heavy burdens you’re carrying.”
His lips curled. “I have wide shoulders.”
Her eyes filled with tears. “We both lost so much. Time, friends, people we loved.”
“But you can’t change the past. It is what it is and I have to live with it.”
She shuddered, realizing that no matter how much she wanted to go back, Ethan was right.
She threw her arms around him and hugged him, needing to give him comfort, and forgiveness. And maybe she needed to give herself a little comfort too for all she’d lost.
Ethan wrapped his arms around Riley while she cried, held her while she grieved for the friend she’d had and lost. He’d long ago cried all he could for losing Amanda. He might not have loved her like a husband should love his wife, but he’d been a good husband to her, a good friend, and he’d never felt guilty for still being in love with Riley after all these years, because while he’d been married to Amanda, she’d been the only woman in his life.
“Warming you.” He pulled her against him. “Are you out of your mind running out of the house without a coat? It’s five degrees outside.”
No wonder she thought she was going to die out there.
She wanted to argue with him, but he’d opened his coat and drew her against his chest and he was so damn warm all she could think about was the heat of his body. She was shivering uncontrollably now and couldn’t seem to stop her teeth from chattering.
“I’ll be f…f…fine in a minute. Then you c…can let me go.”
He rubbed her back and hair, his voice gentle. “I know. I will.”
The snow came down harder now, obliterating her vision of the outside. The heater and their breath fogged the windshield and windows, reminding her of what they used to do in his car to steam up the windows. It had a lot to do with body heat, but not because she’d been stupid and walked outside in the cold. Those thoughts and memories coupled with being in his arms again warmed her more than the heater.
“I…I’m…”
“Shhh. Just relax, Riley. Your body is so cold. I’m not going to move this car until you’re warm, so you can just listen to me.”
She was still shaking, so he was probably right.
“I’m sorry. Really sorry. I was out of line. Seems like I’m always hurting you and I never meant to. The things I said were unforgiveable. It was a knee-jerk reaction.”
“More like a jerk reaction.”
He laughed, the sound deep and vibrating against his chest.
“You’re right there. I was a total jerk. For some reason you bring out the worst in me.”
“Gee, thanks.”
“Not what I meant. God, Riley, I just make a mess of things when I’m around you, don’t I?”
“You seem to.” She wasn’t going to let him off easy. Not this time.
“If you don’t want me to talk to the television people, I won’t.”
She listened to his heart beating against his chest, so strong and sure. She had always believed in Ethan. From the time she was fourteen years old he’d been her rock, her lifeline, and everything she’d loved.
Until Amanda.
She’d been running away from the answer for so long. It was time to stop and just ask the damn question.
“Tell me about Amanda.”
She felt his heart speed up.
“What do you want to know?”
She lifted her head and met his curious, wary gaze. “Why did you choose her over me? I didn’t even know you were interested in her.”
He offered up a half smile. “I wasn’t. She wanted me.”
Riley frowned. “No she didn’t.”
“Honey, she had a thing for me for years. She wanted me as much as she wanted the career you ended up with.”
She shook her head. “That’s not true. I mean, yes, she was a singer, too. A great singer. Of course that’s the career she was after.”
Riley and Amanda had met in choir freshman year. Amanda had a beautiful voice, clear and strong. Her parents had spent a fortune on private lessons. Amanda intended to go to college and study music. Fame was in her future, she’d told Riley. She wanted to front a rock band, or become a pop star.
She had the chops for it. Riley had been mesmerized by Amanda’s voice. They’d spend hours together at Amanda’s house, harmonizing on songs.
They’d become friends and had been inseparable in all things.
Except Amanda had never had a boyfriend. She said she was too busy with her singing lessons to worry about boys. But she’d never begrudged Riley’s relationship with Ethan, because Riley had always included her. She’d never shut Amanda out, had always tried to fix her up with guys so they could double date. Amanda went, though it was half hearted. Nothing ever came of those dates. Amanda never seemed intrigued enough by any of the guys to end up with a boyfriend, though she was beautiful, with mink brown hair, emerald green eyes and her captivating voice.
“She never told me she was interested in you. She never even dated anyone long term in high school. I didn’t know.”
Ethan nodded. “She didn’t want you to know. She was so jealous of you, Riley. Of your voice, your relationship with me. You had everything she wanted.”
“No. That’s not true. That’s not the Amanda I knew.”
Ethan sighed. “There were parts of her you never knew about. Hell, I didn’t even know about them until after you were gone.”
“Like what?” She couldn’t believe the things he was telling her about Amanda.
“Like her fear that you were more talented than she was, that her voice would never measure up to yours.”
“How can that be? I’d never had training, and she’d been taking voice lessons her whole life. Her singing was beautiful.”
He swept her hair away from her face. “You’ve been in the business long enough to know that all the lessons in the world can’t compete with raw ability. That’s what you had, Riley. You might not have had all the training she had, but you had natural talent, and no training can compare to that. And when it was clear your talent would outshine her, that you were destined for big things, she decided to take the one thing from you she knew she could.”
Riley almost couldn’t say the word out loud, but knew she had to know the truth. “You.”
He nodded.
“How?”
“You sure you want to know all of it?”
“Yes.” Because she refused to believe that Ethan loved her one day and just decided to switch to Amanda the next. Though she had believed it, hadn’t she? She’d spent the past ten years believing it. Maybe it was time she let Ethan tell her what really happened.
“She called me one night in tears. It was right after graduation and she said she’d been turned down for a scholarship to Julliard, the one and only place she really wanted to go.”
“But she’d gotten so many scholarships to so many different schools. She could have chosen from…what? Five or six?”
He shrugged. “I didn’t really know what she was talking about, but you know we’d all gotten close. She was always where you were, so I considered her a friend. I trusted her. I don’t remember where you were. She said she couldn’t get hold of you and there was no one else to talk to, so I went over there to give her some comfort because she was pretty freaked out. We were drinking beer, then whiskey. Her parents were gone, and you know Amanda always had a lot of freedom and access to whatever she wanted. And then we were drinking a lot. I was trying to make her feel better. It was stupid. We were talking and talking and I thought I had relaxed her by making her laugh. Hell, I was drunk as hell. Next thing I know it’s morning. I wake up in bed with Amanda na**d next to me, and you’re standing there.”
“Did you have sex with her?”
He shrugged. “No. At least I don’t think I did, but maybe I did. I don’t even remember what happened that night. Does it matter? I shouldn’t have put myself in the position to be alone with her. I should have called you right away. I shouldn’t have been there drinking with her. It was stupid and I let her manipulate me, but I had to take responsibility for being there, even if nothing happened. I knew from the look in your eyes you believed what you saw.”
She had believed it. She and Amanda had plans that morning. Plans Amanda had organized. She’d walked into Amanda’s room and found the boy she loved na**d in bed with her best friend.
She’d believed right away what she saw, put two and two together and figured Ethan had slept with Amanda, that Ethan had seduced her best friend. She’d assumed she hadn’t been enough for him, that he’d wanted what Amanda could offer him.
And she’d never spoken to either of them again. Hurt and rage had taken over, and she’d left town the next day without asking for explanations, without seeing Ethan again.
It had been a knee-jerk reaction, a youthful reaction.
“So she manipulated us both.”
“I guess.”
“Why did you marry her?”
“She was pregnant. And it was mine. Or so she told me.”
“You got proof?”
“She showed me the pregnancy test. I had no choice but to believe her. You said it yourself. She was never around other guys.”
Her eyes widened. “You mean she got pregnant after that night?”
“Yeah, I guess, because I didn’t sleep with her again after that.”
“So you did have sex with her.”
He laughed. “I have no idea. I don’t think I did. If I did, I sure as hell don’t remember it, but I wasn’t one hundred percent confident, so I was kind of stuck. I couldn’t deny I was in bed with her that morning.”
“What about her scholarship? Did she really lose it?”
“Doubtful. I think she was just afraid she’d never be as good as you. And she’d taken me away from you, so that was her triumph. So I married her. And then she miscarried a couple months later.”
“I’m sorry, Ethan.”
He dragged his fingers through his hair and laughed. “You know what? So was I at the time. As hurt and angry as I was with her, I was still upset when she lost the baby. I didn’t love her, but I wanted the kid.”
“You didn’t love her?”
“No. I never loved her. I did what was right and took responsibility. I screwed up and I paid the price for making a mess of my life. But I was in love with you, not her.”
Riley’s heart squeezed. She so wanted to believe that. “But you stayed married to her.”
He let out a short laugh. “Yeah. I did.”
“Why?”
He lifted his gaze to hers, the pain in his eyes so raw she wanted to run from it. “Because when I commit to someone, I honor that commitment. I said I was going to be with her until death do us part. That meant something to me.”
Riley blinked back the tears. That was Ethan. Once he had committed to her, he’d stuck by her side. Until she’d left him, hadn’t allowed him to explain what happened that night with Amanda.
“Did you ever love her?”
“I’d like to say yes. You knew her. She might have been a little spoiled, but she had her moments. She was fun and a little wild and crazy. And she could be so sweet and loving. And then we had Zoey.”
Riley smiled. “Zoey is amazing.”
“She is. I’ll always be grateful to Amanda for giving me Zoey. She’s the best part of my life. And Amanda was a wonderful mother. She seemed to settle after we had Zoey. It was almost as if she’d found what she was searching for.”
“And then she got sick.”
He nodded. “It devastated her, knowing she was going to leave Zoey behind. She felt as if that was somehow a punishment for all the lying and hurt she’d caused.”
Riley’s throat constricted. “Oh, God. That’s not fair.”
“She didn’t think it was, either. Neither did I. But we weren’t in charge. And Zoey lost her mother.”
Riley felt sick inside. “I’m so sorry, Ethan. For you, for Amanda and for Zoey.”
“I’m the one who’s sorry. There are so many things I could have done differently that night. When Amanda called, I should have called you to see what was up. I could have tried to find you to make you come over there with me. I didn’t do that. I just assumed what Amanda said, that you weren’t home. And when you ran off that morning after finding us together, I went after you. God, I spent days trying to find you.”
Riley’s heart stuttered. “You did?”
“Of course I did. I searched everywhere. I didn’t know where you went. I was crazy worried about you. But then I thought…you know what? Maybe you’re better off without me. Maybe this is for the best. I was such a f**king coward letting you go. I should have tried harder to find you.”
“Oh, Ethan, I didn’t know you came looking for me.”
He shrugged. “It wasn’t enough. I should have tried harder. But look at you now, look at what you’ve done with your life. If I had found you, you might never have all you have now. I can’t regret that for you, you know? Sometimes destiny plays a big part in things. Maybe I was supposed to screw this all up so you could become famous.”
She tilted her head. “Is that some kind of twisted logic?”
“Maybe. It’s not an excuse though. All of this is my fault. And I’ll never be able to say I’m sorry enough times to make it stop hurting you. I know that. But I’m still sorry. I’m sorry for hurting you, and for what happened with Amanda.”
She saw him in a new light. “That’s a load of heavy burdens you’re carrying.”
His lips curled. “I have wide shoulders.”
Her eyes filled with tears. “We both lost so much. Time, friends, people we loved.”
“But you can’t change the past. It is what it is and I have to live with it.”
She shuddered, realizing that no matter how much she wanted to go back, Ethan was right.
She threw her arms around him and hugged him, needing to give him comfort, and forgiveness. And maybe she needed to give herself a little comfort too for all she’d lost.
Ethan wrapped his arms around Riley while she cried, held her while she grieved for the friend she’d had and lost. He’d long ago cried all he could for losing Amanda. He might not have loved her like a husband should love his wife, but he’d been a good husband to her, a good friend, and he’d never felt guilty for still being in love with Riley after all these years, because while he’d been married to Amanda, she’d been the only woman in his life.
