All the Little Lights
Page 91
“Say it,” I said.
“You could have told me. I wish you’d told me sooner.”
“It was a secret,” I said.
“And you can definitely keep a secret.”
I let him go, curling into myself. “It wasn’t mine to tell.”
He reached for me. “I’m not even sure how to process what just happened. Presley’s dead. Your mom . . .”
“It wasn’t her.”
Elliott nodded, but I could see in his eyes that he was having a hard time separating her from the others.
“Mama hasn’t been right for a long time. Looking back, I’m not sure she ever was. If things got too hard, she would seem to short-circuit and fall into a deep depression and stay in bed for days. Dad tried to shield her from that, to shield me. When he wasn’t home, I could see it. I could see them all in glimpses, but I didn’t know it at the time. Dad’s death made them stronger, and the Juniper was the perfect bridge to allow them out. When Duke and Poppy showed up with names, personalities so different from Mama, I was afraid. I didn’t understand, and the more I tried to speak to Mama when she was present as Duke or Poppy, the worse she became. When I played along, the personalities surfaced for longer periods of time, but her behavior was more predictable. At first, I let it continue because I didn’t want anyone to take Mama away, but now that they’re gone . . . I loved Althea and Poppy. I kept Mama’s secret to keep them. Now Presley is dead, and I’ve lost them all.”
Elliott rubbed the back of his neck. “It’s not your fault, Catherine.”
“Then whose fault is it?”
“Why does it have to be someone’s fault?”
“If I had gotten Mama help, Presley would still be alive. But I thought I could do it. I thought I could have both. I was sure I could have you and protect the Juniper for Mama.” I choked back another sob. “She’s gone. She’s guilty of murder because I was selfish.”
Elliott pulled me into his lap, and I pressed my cheek against his chest. “You’re the least selfish person I know. And you’re even braver than I thought.”
“In the end, it didn’t matter. I couldn’t save them. I didn’t even get to say goodbye.”
“We can go see her, you know. We can visit.”
“It will just be Mama.”
“But, Catherine, isn’t that a good thing?”
I shook my head. “You don’t get it.”
“No, but I’m trying to understand.”
“Then understand this. Everyone I care about either gets hurt or dies.”
“Not me.”
“Not yet.”
“Catherine.” He sighed. “You need to rest.” He rubbed his eyes, tired.
I could hear the desperation in his voice, the need to help me, to fix it all, but this was the first night of many that I would try to dig myself out from the ashes of the Juniper.
“What were you supposed to do? If you told someone, you would have lost your home and your mom. If you didn’t, you had to keep living in that hell, and your mom couldn’t get the help she needed. You were right, Catherine. You’ve been saying it all along. It wasn’t a choice. Don’t pretend you had one now.”
“And look where that got us.”
“Here, safe with me.” His words were tinged with impatience, as if I should have known. “You know, for two years, everyone said I should forget about you, but I fought for you anyway. When I finally got here, you hated me, but I fought for you anyway. You kept your secrets, you pushed me away, you’ve all but said that we’re over after graduation, but I keep fighting. When I opened the door to the basement, I didn’t know what I was walking into. But I walked down the steps anyway. I’m not scared of much, Catherine, but I was terrified of what I would see when I rounded that corner, almost as much as I am terrified of leaving Oak Creek without you.” He squeezed my hand tighter. “I know your secret, and I’m still here. I’ve been here, and if it means being with you, I’ll do anything to stay.”
I pressed my lips together. “Okay.”
“Okay?” he said, stumbling over the two simple syllables.
I nodded.
“What does that mean exactly?” he asked.
“Baylor. The in-between, remember?”
He laughed once. “Yeah, I remember. But . . . are you going to come with me?”
I shrugged one shoulder. “Mrs. Mason said I could get grants and maybe an academic scholarship. I could get a loan to cover what’s left. I could get a job. I’m no stranger to hard work. I—”
Elliott wrapped me in his arms, holding me just a little too tight. His arms trembled, and he sucked in a staggered breath, pressing his forehead against my temple.
“Are you okay?” I whispered, holding on to him.
“I am now.” He let me go and quickly wiped his cheek with the back of his hand. He inhaled and then breathed out a laugh. “I was sure this whole time I was going to lose you.”
A ghost of a smile touched my lips. “But you fought for me anyway.”
Epilogue
Catherine
Mama eyed Elliott from across the table. She wore a khaki jumpsuit with a string of numbers stamped in black on the front pocket. The room was an octagon shape, with a large window in each section. Forty or so orange plastic chairs were tucked under the seven round tables peppered around the room, most of them empty. Another woman sat with another couple, looking increasingly agitated.
“How long will you be gone?” Mama asked.
“We’re just seven hours away. I’ll visit on every break,” I said.
She glanced over her shoulder at Carla, the female guard standing between the door and the vending machine.
“Want a snack?” Elliott asked, standing. “I’ll get some snacks,” he said. His chair squeaked against the tile floor when he pushed it back to stand. He walked across the room, greeting the guard, and then looked over the choices in the machine. He stood a bit sideways so he could still see me in his peripheral vision, ready to act if needed.
“With me here and you at college, who will tend to the Juniper?” Mama asked, fidgeting.
“The Juniper is gone. Remember, Mama?”
“That’s right,” she said, sitting back against her chair. She tried to revert back to the world we’d built inside the Juniper at least twice each visit, hoping I would play along like I use to. But the doctor said it was best if I didn’t play into her fantasies. “Did you get everything settled with the insurance company?”
I nodded. “They sent the check last week. It’s going to cover college and then some. Thank you for signing the papers.”
Mama tried to smile, but it looked unnatural on her face. “Well, you can thank your dad. He’s the one who insisted I . . .” She trailed off, noticing my expression. “Never mind.”
“I think it’s nice that you still talk to him.”
Mama looked around and leaned in. “It’s okay. We won’t tell anyone. You don’t have to worry.”
“What do you mean?”
She noticed Elliott returning and sat back. “Nothin’.”
Elliott returned with three sacks. “Nacho chips and pretzels. Not much of a variety.”
Mama tore open the red bag, chomping loudly. I saw glimpses of Poppy as she ate, wondering if my friends were still inside of her somewhere. The visits with the doctors at the state hospital in Vinita, Oklahoma, were focused on getting rid of Althea, Poppy, Willow, Cousin Imogen, Uncle Toad, and especially Duke. Trying to talk to any of them was strictly forbidden. I peered up at the cameras as Elliott slid his hand over to cover mine.
“You could have told me. I wish you’d told me sooner.”
“It was a secret,” I said.
“And you can definitely keep a secret.”
I let him go, curling into myself. “It wasn’t mine to tell.”
He reached for me. “I’m not even sure how to process what just happened. Presley’s dead. Your mom . . .”
“It wasn’t her.”
Elliott nodded, but I could see in his eyes that he was having a hard time separating her from the others.
“Mama hasn’t been right for a long time. Looking back, I’m not sure she ever was. If things got too hard, she would seem to short-circuit and fall into a deep depression and stay in bed for days. Dad tried to shield her from that, to shield me. When he wasn’t home, I could see it. I could see them all in glimpses, but I didn’t know it at the time. Dad’s death made them stronger, and the Juniper was the perfect bridge to allow them out. When Duke and Poppy showed up with names, personalities so different from Mama, I was afraid. I didn’t understand, and the more I tried to speak to Mama when she was present as Duke or Poppy, the worse she became. When I played along, the personalities surfaced for longer periods of time, but her behavior was more predictable. At first, I let it continue because I didn’t want anyone to take Mama away, but now that they’re gone . . . I loved Althea and Poppy. I kept Mama’s secret to keep them. Now Presley is dead, and I’ve lost them all.”
Elliott rubbed the back of his neck. “It’s not your fault, Catherine.”
“Then whose fault is it?”
“Why does it have to be someone’s fault?”
“If I had gotten Mama help, Presley would still be alive. But I thought I could do it. I thought I could have both. I was sure I could have you and protect the Juniper for Mama.” I choked back another sob. “She’s gone. She’s guilty of murder because I was selfish.”
Elliott pulled me into his lap, and I pressed my cheek against his chest. “You’re the least selfish person I know. And you’re even braver than I thought.”
“In the end, it didn’t matter. I couldn’t save them. I didn’t even get to say goodbye.”
“We can go see her, you know. We can visit.”
“It will just be Mama.”
“But, Catherine, isn’t that a good thing?”
I shook my head. “You don’t get it.”
“No, but I’m trying to understand.”
“Then understand this. Everyone I care about either gets hurt or dies.”
“Not me.”
“Not yet.”
“Catherine.” He sighed. “You need to rest.” He rubbed his eyes, tired.
I could hear the desperation in his voice, the need to help me, to fix it all, but this was the first night of many that I would try to dig myself out from the ashes of the Juniper.
“What were you supposed to do? If you told someone, you would have lost your home and your mom. If you didn’t, you had to keep living in that hell, and your mom couldn’t get the help she needed. You were right, Catherine. You’ve been saying it all along. It wasn’t a choice. Don’t pretend you had one now.”
“And look where that got us.”
“Here, safe with me.” His words were tinged with impatience, as if I should have known. “You know, for two years, everyone said I should forget about you, but I fought for you anyway. When I finally got here, you hated me, but I fought for you anyway. You kept your secrets, you pushed me away, you’ve all but said that we’re over after graduation, but I keep fighting. When I opened the door to the basement, I didn’t know what I was walking into. But I walked down the steps anyway. I’m not scared of much, Catherine, but I was terrified of what I would see when I rounded that corner, almost as much as I am terrified of leaving Oak Creek without you.” He squeezed my hand tighter. “I know your secret, and I’m still here. I’ve been here, and if it means being with you, I’ll do anything to stay.”
I pressed my lips together. “Okay.”
“Okay?” he said, stumbling over the two simple syllables.
I nodded.
“What does that mean exactly?” he asked.
“Baylor. The in-between, remember?”
He laughed once. “Yeah, I remember. But . . . are you going to come with me?”
I shrugged one shoulder. “Mrs. Mason said I could get grants and maybe an academic scholarship. I could get a loan to cover what’s left. I could get a job. I’m no stranger to hard work. I—”
Elliott wrapped me in his arms, holding me just a little too tight. His arms trembled, and he sucked in a staggered breath, pressing his forehead against my temple.
“Are you okay?” I whispered, holding on to him.
“I am now.” He let me go and quickly wiped his cheek with the back of his hand. He inhaled and then breathed out a laugh. “I was sure this whole time I was going to lose you.”
A ghost of a smile touched my lips. “But you fought for me anyway.”
Epilogue
Catherine
Mama eyed Elliott from across the table. She wore a khaki jumpsuit with a string of numbers stamped in black on the front pocket. The room was an octagon shape, with a large window in each section. Forty or so orange plastic chairs were tucked under the seven round tables peppered around the room, most of them empty. Another woman sat with another couple, looking increasingly agitated.
“How long will you be gone?” Mama asked.
“We’re just seven hours away. I’ll visit on every break,” I said.
She glanced over her shoulder at Carla, the female guard standing between the door and the vending machine.
“Want a snack?” Elliott asked, standing. “I’ll get some snacks,” he said. His chair squeaked against the tile floor when he pushed it back to stand. He walked across the room, greeting the guard, and then looked over the choices in the machine. He stood a bit sideways so he could still see me in his peripheral vision, ready to act if needed.
“With me here and you at college, who will tend to the Juniper?” Mama asked, fidgeting.
“The Juniper is gone. Remember, Mama?”
“That’s right,” she said, sitting back against her chair. She tried to revert back to the world we’d built inside the Juniper at least twice each visit, hoping I would play along like I use to. But the doctor said it was best if I didn’t play into her fantasies. “Did you get everything settled with the insurance company?”
I nodded. “They sent the check last week. It’s going to cover college and then some. Thank you for signing the papers.”
Mama tried to smile, but it looked unnatural on her face. “Well, you can thank your dad. He’s the one who insisted I . . .” She trailed off, noticing my expression. “Never mind.”
“I think it’s nice that you still talk to him.”
Mama looked around and leaned in. “It’s okay. We won’t tell anyone. You don’t have to worry.”
“What do you mean?”
She noticed Elliott returning and sat back. “Nothin’.”
Elliott returned with three sacks. “Nacho chips and pretzels. Not much of a variety.”
Mama tore open the red bag, chomping loudly. I saw glimpses of Poppy as she ate, wondering if my friends were still inside of her somewhere. The visits with the doctors at the state hospital in Vinita, Oklahoma, were focused on getting rid of Althea, Poppy, Willow, Cousin Imogen, Uncle Toad, and especially Duke. Trying to talk to any of them was strictly forbidden. I peered up at the cameras as Elliott slid his hand over to cover mine.
