Always and Forever, Lara Jean
Page 65
Tears leak from her eyes. “Because! She’s been so mean to Tree for no reason.”
I wipe her tears with the back of my hand. I feel like crying too. “Gogo feels left out, that’s all. We know Trina, because we’ve had time to know her. But Margot doesn’t know her at all. And Kitty—Gogo practically raised you. You don’t talk to her like that.”
Halfheartedly, she mutters, “I talk to you like that.”
“That’s different and you know it. We’re closer in age.”
“So you’re saying you and I are on the same level?”
“I mean—no. Margot and I are almost on the same level, and you’re on the level below us, because you’re the youngest. But you and I are more on the same level than you and Margot. Just try and understand her. She doesn’t want to feel like her place has been taken.”
Kitty’s shoulders hunch. “It hasn’t been taken.”
“She just needs a little reassurance, that’s all. Be understanding.” Kitty doesn’t reply or lift her head, but I know she’s hearing me. “You are a little brat, though.” Her head snaps up and she lunges at me, and I laugh. “Go upstairs and say sorry to Gogo. You know it’s the right thing to do.”
Kitty actually listens to me for once. She goes upstairs, and then, sometime later, they both come down with red eyes. In the meantime I get a text from Peter, asking if I can come out. I tell him I can’t, that I’m going out to dinner with my family, but I’ll see him tomorrow night. The guys are meeting us at the karaoke bar after they have their steak dinner. I hope that by the time I see him, I’ll know what to do.
* * *
In my room that night, I am painting my nails mint green for the bachelorette party tomorrow night, and Margot is lying on my bed looking at her phone. “Do you want me to do your nails too?” I ask.
“No, I don’t care,” she says.
I sigh. “Listen, you have to stop being in a bad mood about Trina. She and Daddy are getting married, Gogo.”
Margot sighs. “It’s not just Trina. Trina’s . . . Trina.”
“Then what?”
Margot chews on her top lip, something I haven’t seen her do since she was little. “It’s like I came back and there was a whole new family here that I wasn’t a part of.”
I want to tell her that nothing has changed, that she’s still just as much a part of it as she always was, but that wouldn’t be true. Life here kept going on without her, just like it’ll keep going on without me when I leave this fall.
A tear rolls down her cheek. “And I miss Mommy.”
My throat tightens up. “Me too.”
“I wish Kitty could have known her.” Margot sighs. “I know it’s selfish . . . but I guess I just never pictured Daddy getting married again. I thought he’d date, maybe have a long-term girlfriend at some point, but married?”
Gently I say, “I never really thought about it either, but then when you left for Scotland, I don’t know . . . it just started making more sense. The thought of him having someone.”
“I know. And it’s good for Kitty, too.”
“I think she thinks of Trina as hers. I have my own relationship with Trina, but Kitty’s had a special thing with her from the start.”
“God, she’s like a pit bull with Trina!” Margot laughs a shaky kind of laugh. “She really loves her.”
“I know that’s why you got so upset about Korean food today. You think that if Daddy stops cooking Korean food because Trina doesn’t like it, Kitty won’t have that connection anymore. And if we forget Korea, we forget Mommy.” Tears are rolling down her cheeks, and she is wiping them away with the back of her sweatshirt sleeve. “But we’ll never forget Korea, and we’ll never forget Mommy. Okay?”
Margot nods and takes a deep breath. “God, I’ve cried twice today! It’s so un-me.” She smiles at me, and I smile back, as brightly as I can. Her brow furrows. “Lara Jean, is something up with you? You’ve seemed sort of . . . I don’t know, melancholy, ever since you got back from Beach Week. Did something happen with you and Peter?”
I want so desperately to tell her everything, to lay all my burdens upon my big sister, to have her tell me what to do. Things would be so much simpler if she would just tell me what to do. But I know what Margot would do, because she’s already done it.
Don’t be the girl who goes to college with a boyfriend. That’s what my mom said. That’s what Margot said.
36
FOR THE BACHELORETTE, KRISTEN DECIDED the theme of the night should be the nineties, because there’s nothing Trina loves better than the nineties, so everyone has to dress up in nineties clothes. Honestly, I think the whole reason behind the theme is because Kristen wants to wear a crop top and show off her abs. She arrives at the house in a blue T-shirt that says SKATER GURL and baggy jeans, and her hair is parted down the middle. She’s wearing dark brown lipstick, very matte. The first thing she does is turn on a nineties station, which blasts all over the whole house. The girls are meeting here, and the boys (and Kitty) are meeting at the steakhouse. I’m glad, because I still don’t know what I’m going to say to Peter.
We’re still getting ready. I’m going with a floral babydoll dress I found on Etsy, and cream-colored knee socks and black platform Mary Janes. I’m brushing my hair into two ponytails when Kristen comes upstairs to do inspections, carrying a martini glass that says Maid of Honor in pink cursive. “Aw, you look cute, Lara Jean,” she says, sipping on her cocktail.
I tighten my ponytails. “Thank you, Kristen,” I say. I’m just glad my outfit is up to snuff. I’ve got a lot on my mind, and I would hate to mess up Trina’s night.
Kitty and Margot are on the floor; Kitty is painting Margot’s nails black. Margot has chosen to go the grunge route—a long flannel shirt and jeans and a pair of Doc Martens I borrowed from Chris.
“What are you drinking?” Kitty asks Kristen.
“Cosmopolitan. I have more downstairs in a Sprite bottle. Not for you, though.”
Kitty rolls her eyes at this. “Where’s Tree?”
“She’s in the shower,” I tell her.
Kristen tilts her head and squints at me. “You’re missing something.” She puts down her glass and digs into her clutch and pulls out a lipstick. “Put this on.”
I wipe her tears with the back of my hand. I feel like crying too. “Gogo feels left out, that’s all. We know Trina, because we’ve had time to know her. But Margot doesn’t know her at all. And Kitty—Gogo practically raised you. You don’t talk to her like that.”
Halfheartedly, she mutters, “I talk to you like that.”
“That’s different and you know it. We’re closer in age.”
“So you’re saying you and I are on the same level?”
“I mean—no. Margot and I are almost on the same level, and you’re on the level below us, because you’re the youngest. But you and I are more on the same level than you and Margot. Just try and understand her. She doesn’t want to feel like her place has been taken.”
Kitty’s shoulders hunch. “It hasn’t been taken.”
“She just needs a little reassurance, that’s all. Be understanding.” Kitty doesn’t reply or lift her head, but I know she’s hearing me. “You are a little brat, though.” Her head snaps up and she lunges at me, and I laugh. “Go upstairs and say sorry to Gogo. You know it’s the right thing to do.”
Kitty actually listens to me for once. She goes upstairs, and then, sometime later, they both come down with red eyes. In the meantime I get a text from Peter, asking if I can come out. I tell him I can’t, that I’m going out to dinner with my family, but I’ll see him tomorrow night. The guys are meeting us at the karaoke bar after they have their steak dinner. I hope that by the time I see him, I’ll know what to do.
* * *
In my room that night, I am painting my nails mint green for the bachelorette party tomorrow night, and Margot is lying on my bed looking at her phone. “Do you want me to do your nails too?” I ask.
“No, I don’t care,” she says.
I sigh. “Listen, you have to stop being in a bad mood about Trina. She and Daddy are getting married, Gogo.”
Margot sighs. “It’s not just Trina. Trina’s . . . Trina.”
“Then what?”
Margot chews on her top lip, something I haven’t seen her do since she was little. “It’s like I came back and there was a whole new family here that I wasn’t a part of.”
I want to tell her that nothing has changed, that she’s still just as much a part of it as she always was, but that wouldn’t be true. Life here kept going on without her, just like it’ll keep going on without me when I leave this fall.
A tear rolls down her cheek. “And I miss Mommy.”
My throat tightens up. “Me too.”
“I wish Kitty could have known her.” Margot sighs. “I know it’s selfish . . . but I guess I just never pictured Daddy getting married again. I thought he’d date, maybe have a long-term girlfriend at some point, but married?”
Gently I say, “I never really thought about it either, but then when you left for Scotland, I don’t know . . . it just started making more sense. The thought of him having someone.”
“I know. And it’s good for Kitty, too.”
“I think she thinks of Trina as hers. I have my own relationship with Trina, but Kitty’s had a special thing with her from the start.”
“God, she’s like a pit bull with Trina!” Margot laughs a shaky kind of laugh. “She really loves her.”
“I know that’s why you got so upset about Korean food today. You think that if Daddy stops cooking Korean food because Trina doesn’t like it, Kitty won’t have that connection anymore. And if we forget Korea, we forget Mommy.” Tears are rolling down her cheeks, and she is wiping them away with the back of her sweatshirt sleeve. “But we’ll never forget Korea, and we’ll never forget Mommy. Okay?”
Margot nods and takes a deep breath. “God, I’ve cried twice today! It’s so un-me.” She smiles at me, and I smile back, as brightly as I can. Her brow furrows. “Lara Jean, is something up with you? You’ve seemed sort of . . . I don’t know, melancholy, ever since you got back from Beach Week. Did something happen with you and Peter?”
I want so desperately to tell her everything, to lay all my burdens upon my big sister, to have her tell me what to do. Things would be so much simpler if she would just tell me what to do. But I know what Margot would do, because she’s already done it.
Don’t be the girl who goes to college with a boyfriend. That’s what my mom said. That’s what Margot said.
36
FOR THE BACHELORETTE, KRISTEN DECIDED the theme of the night should be the nineties, because there’s nothing Trina loves better than the nineties, so everyone has to dress up in nineties clothes. Honestly, I think the whole reason behind the theme is because Kristen wants to wear a crop top and show off her abs. She arrives at the house in a blue T-shirt that says SKATER GURL and baggy jeans, and her hair is parted down the middle. She’s wearing dark brown lipstick, very matte. The first thing she does is turn on a nineties station, which blasts all over the whole house. The girls are meeting here, and the boys (and Kitty) are meeting at the steakhouse. I’m glad, because I still don’t know what I’m going to say to Peter.
We’re still getting ready. I’m going with a floral babydoll dress I found on Etsy, and cream-colored knee socks and black platform Mary Janes. I’m brushing my hair into two ponytails when Kristen comes upstairs to do inspections, carrying a martini glass that says Maid of Honor in pink cursive. “Aw, you look cute, Lara Jean,” she says, sipping on her cocktail.
I tighten my ponytails. “Thank you, Kristen,” I say. I’m just glad my outfit is up to snuff. I’ve got a lot on my mind, and I would hate to mess up Trina’s night.
Kitty and Margot are on the floor; Kitty is painting Margot’s nails black. Margot has chosen to go the grunge route—a long flannel shirt and jeans and a pair of Doc Martens I borrowed from Chris.
“What are you drinking?” Kitty asks Kristen.
“Cosmopolitan. I have more downstairs in a Sprite bottle. Not for you, though.”
Kitty rolls her eyes at this. “Where’s Tree?”
“She’s in the shower,” I tell her.
Kristen tilts her head and squints at me. “You’re missing something.” She puts down her glass and digs into her clutch and pulls out a lipstick. “Put this on.”
