Always You
Page 43
I looked back at Clay as his breathing became even shallower and more ragged. His face was relaxed, like he was sleeping, peaceful and perfect, apart from the slight red tinge to his jaw from fighting with Blake. I kissed his nose lightly, “I love you baby, you’ll be fine I promise. Tomorrow I’m going to make you chocolate chip pancakes for breakfast, I’ll even burn them slightly just the way you like,” I whispered, smiling sadly as I squeezed his hand again.
I could hear the cop talking to one of the others, something about a punctured lung and how he needed a chest tube quickly before he went into cardiac arrest, he sounded slightly panicked as he asked how long the ambulance was going to be. The other guy was helping him work on Clay but I couldn’t take my eyes off of his peaceful face. I traced my finger along the bridge of his nose, the curve to his lip, his cheekbone.
After what felt like just a few seconds someone grabbed me and pulled me away from Clay. I gripped his hand tighter as I thrashed trying to get back to him, I didn’t want to leave his side, not for a single second incase he woke up.
“Ma’am, the medics are here, you need to move and let them do their job!” Someone said sternly in my ear.
I looked around and noticed that there was indeed two new guys in blue uniforms. They immediately started fussing over Clay, I tried to block out what they were saying, I didn’t want to hear that because it would make me lose the slight control I had over myself. I just focused on Clay’s face as they cut his shirt off of him, prodding at his body, I whimpered when I saw one of them grab a scalpel and a little piece of tubing, heading towards Clay’s already bloody chest with it.
After the longest most painful time of my life, they finally agreed that he could be moved. Apparently the tube that they had inserted had worked and was helping him breathe, his heart rate was strong. One of them said the most beautiful word I had ever heard in my life, the best word that had ever been invented in the history of the world: stable.
I felt my body relax, I laughed quietly to myself and looked at the ceiling repeating the words thank you over and over in my head. But the medics still looked really worried, an intense concentration on their faces as they discussed how best to move him without causing any more damage. One of them ran off and came back with a spinal board and neck brace. I frowned, not really understanding what was going on. They’d said he was stable, so why would they still be looking so tense about it?
The cop that was holding me turned me around to face him, “Ma’am, is there someone I should call? His parents? Yours?” he asked looking at me sympathetically. I looked back over my shoulder as they rolled Clay onto the yellow board strapping him in with little black straps. Why were they being so careful? “Ma’am?” I felt pressure on my arm and I looked back at the cop, he seemed to be waiting for me to answer something.
“Is he going to be ok? They said he was stable, that means that he’s ok, right?” I whispered.
He smiled sadly, “They’re doing everything they can, they’ll know more once he gets to the hospital. But if you could just tell me if there is someone I should call….” He trailed off looking at me expectantly.
I guess Clay’s parents should be told; I smiled at him gratefully and reached into my pocket pulling out my cell phone. I was barely holding on to my sanity and if I had to tell them what happened I think I would lose it and I couldn’t do that. I held the phone out to him, “Clay’s parents cell phones are in there under Linda and Richard. My parents are in there under mom and Brian.” I muttered looking back to the medics as they put the last couple of straps on Clay’s lifeless body.
“Ok, I’ll call them and tell them what happened and tell them to come to the hospital and meet you. Are you going in the ambulance or do you need a ride?” he asked watching as they lifted the stretcher off of the floor.
I quickly stepped forward keeping pace with them, not wanting Clay out of my sight for a second. “Can I come with you?” I begged the medic.
He smiled and nodded, “Sure Ma’am.”
I trailed along next to Clay, sitting in the little seat opposite him in the ambulance, trying to stay out of the way while the medic inserted needles into the back of his hand, attaching some clear fluid to the IV. I just sat there emotionless, I didn’t know what to do, what to think, what to say, so I did nothing. I thought nothing. I just refused to acknowledge how bad this situation was, refused to acknowledge how the medic’s forehead was creased and how his movements were a little tense. Clay would be fine; he wouldn’t leave me on my own.
When we got to the hospital, Clay was rushed in with about five people all fussing over him as they sped him through the hallways and into one of the emergency rooms. I pushed the door open wanting to go in with him, but a nurse put her arm around my shoulder smiling sympathetically at me. I wanted to scream at her to stop smiling like that, everyone was being so sad and worried, so sympathetic and apologetic, it was scary. I didn’t want to think about what could happen, all I would let myself think was that Clay would be fine and tomorrow I would apologize over and over for this happening, and he would kiss my nose and tell me that it wasn’t my fault and that he loved me. That was all I would let myself think about for now because the thoughts I had at the back of my brain were actually too horrifying to acknowledge.
“If you could just wait outside while the doctors are looking at him. Someone will be out to talk to you as soon as possible, ok?” she smiled and guided me over to a row of plastic chairs off to one side.
I nodded weakly and sat down, trying to keep my breathing steady and my heart at a normal pace. Everything was fine; I just needed to keep control of myself because behaving like a panicked stupid child wouldn’t help anyone in this situation, especially not Clay.
I couldn’t sit still, so I stood up and started pacing the hallway. I looked at each one of the paintings in turn as I walked past, thinking of anything else other than how long it was taking for them to come out and speak to me. Wasn’t the saying, ‘no news is good news’, wasn’t that how it went? So surely it was good that no one had come out yet, I nodded to myself and chewed on my lip. After a couple of minutes the cop from the house turned up and smiled at me sympathetically as he sat down on the chair I had just vacated. He didn’t say anything, just sat there watching me cautiously.
I turned to look at him. “He’s fine, their just being cautious, he’s fine,” I told him sternly. I gulped at how my voice sounded, so thick and husky that it didn’t even sound like mine.
He smiled weakly and nodded, “I’m sure he is Ma’am,”
I nodded in confirmation and switched to chewing on my nails instead of my lip, as I just continued to pace the hallway. My heart was crashing so loud in my chest that it was almost deafening, my stomach twisting, my whole body felt cold, but I put on a smile anyway. I just needed to think positive, if I willed everything to be fine then it would be, and then Clay and I could just go home and have the weekend we had been planning. The lazy weekend where we did nothing but make out and watch TV, the perfect weekend with the perfect guy.
I heard someone crying and I looked up to see Linda and Richard running down the hallway towards me. I smiled reassuringly, but kept my eyes firmly on Richard, Linda had completely lost it and I refused to let her drag me down with her.
“What happened? They said Clay had been stabbed?” Richard asked breathlessly as he gripped my shoulders a little too tight for comfort.
I gulped and nodded, “He did. He’s in there now with the doctors, but he’ll be fine,”
Linda looked at me, her eyes pink and bloodshot. “They said that? Have they been out to speak to you?” she sniffed.
I shook my head, “No they haven’t, but it’s Clay, he’ll be fine. You know him, he’s strong he wouldn’t let something like this hurt him. He wouldn’t,” I stated, my voice sounded surprisingly calm and assured and Linda smiled weakly in response.
I turned and resumed pacing as the cop spoke to them. He was telling them about how they had received a phone call from the principle of the school informing them about what had happened, how they had been dispatched to Blake’s house but they had arrived after Clay and the boys were already fighting. When he got to the part about Blake grabbing the knife I made myself walk further up the hallway so I couldn’t hear it, if I heard it then I would start to picture it, and I couldn’t do that and remain in control.
Ten minutes later the door to the room opened and a man in his mid-thirties walked out looking around. Linda, Richard and the cop all jumped up from where they were sitting. The doctor looked around until he saw me, I couldn’t move, I was just frozen in place, my feet felt like they were stuck to the floor. He wasn’t smiling, his eyes were cautious and controlled and my hands started to shake.
He ignored Linda and Richard who were looking at him expectantly; instead he walked up to me. His eyes travelled down from my face to my hand and he seemed to nod a little in confirmation.
“I notice that Clay has a wedding ring on his finger. Are you married?” he asked, looking at me intently. I nodded still unable to speak, I couldn’t even breathe properly, my heart felt like it was going to break out of my chest making me feel a little light headed. “Ok, so you’re his next of kin then. I need to talk to you about his condition,”
I felt numb inside, like this was happening to someone else, I felt detached and emotionless. I had no idea what he was going to say but I knew that Clay wasn’t dead, I would know if he’d died, I would have felt it, wouldn’t I? Don’t they say that? That you always know when something has happened to the one you love. If Clay had died then it would have killed me as well, wouldn’t it? God wouldn’t be that cruel, to leave me here without him, would he?
The doctor put his hand on my arm and I let him guide me to the chairs on the side of the hallway, my feet feeling like ten ton weights. Linda and Richard followed behind, Linda sobbing her heart out on Richard’s shoulder and I couldn’t help but feel lonely. I needed Clay to be here for me like his dad was for his mom. I sat down and looked at the doctor expectantly not knowing what on earth he was going to say but the sad look on his face was telling me that this wasn’t good news.
The doctor smiled grimly, “We’ve managed to get the bleeding under control now. The knife pierced his lung, but we’ve inserted a chest tube so that’s helping him breathe. His lung should be fine; we’ll have to leave the tube in for a couple of weeks until it’s repaired,” he stated.
That’s all? A chest tube for a couple of weeks? I felt my stomach start to unwind itself, as happiness started to build up inside me. He was lucky, we were lucky and I would never take a minute of his time for granted again. I would cherish every second of him from this day forward because every single one of them was precious, I’d never realized just how precious until now.
I smiled and nodded, “Can I go in and see him? Is he awake?” I asked grinning from ear to ear.
He shook his head, “He’s unconscious at the moment, he’s lost a lot of blood so we’re trying to replace it as quick as possible. There’s something else that I need to talk to you about,”
I frowned and nodded, “Ok,” I whispered, the smile falling from my face.
“The knife that went into Clay’s lower back has severed his spine,” he said softly.
I felt my heart sink, that couldn’t be right. Severed his spine? Did that mean he was paralyzed or something? That just couldn’t be right, Clay would never let that happen, he would never allow something like that happen to him. He would rather die than not be able to walk; I knew that because that’s the type of person he was. He hated to rely on people or burden them; he would hate to have a disability.
“You can fix it, right?” I whispered as Linda started to wail.
The doctor looked at me apologetically. “There’s something we can try, we have a very gifted surgeon here who specialized in experimental procedures. His name is Doctor Kirk and he’d like to have a look at Clay and see if there’s something he can do to help,” he said his eyes boring into mine.
I nodded and willed myself not to break down and sob, I needed to be strong now for Clay so I couldn’t let myself fall to pieces. “Ok, when can he look at him?” I asked swallowing loudly. The numbness was back now and I was grateful for it, the emptiness was easier to cope with than grief. I couldn’t let the grief and horror drag me under, I wouldn’t let it.
“He’s already assessed his injuries and he thinks there’s a chance he can limit the damage and possibly make it so that he would be able to regain the feeling in his legs. The only trouble is, the surgery is very risky, the operation is very invasive and Clay has already sustained a lot of damage to his body. It could make it worse, or even kill him,” he said sadly.
I closed my eyes and tried to pretend like he had said the K word, I couldn’t even let myself think about Clay dying, I refused to even acknowledge that. He wouldn’t leave me, he was my husband and he wouldn’t ever leave me on my own like that.
“But it might help him walk again?” I whispered not trusting my voice to speak properly. I opened my eyes looking at the doctor hopefully.
He nodded, “Yes, it’s the only chance he has of being able to walk again. Without the surgery he’ll be paralyzed from the waist down, with the surgery there’s about a fifty percent chance that he would regain feeling in his legs,”
Richard shook his head, “But you said he could die,” he stated, his hand tightening in Linda’s hair as she sobbed louder. His whole body was tight with stress and I could see he was doing the same as me, clinging to the edge of the cliff trying not to let go and completely breakdown.
I could hear the cop talking to one of the others, something about a punctured lung and how he needed a chest tube quickly before he went into cardiac arrest, he sounded slightly panicked as he asked how long the ambulance was going to be. The other guy was helping him work on Clay but I couldn’t take my eyes off of his peaceful face. I traced my finger along the bridge of his nose, the curve to his lip, his cheekbone.
After what felt like just a few seconds someone grabbed me and pulled me away from Clay. I gripped his hand tighter as I thrashed trying to get back to him, I didn’t want to leave his side, not for a single second incase he woke up.
“Ma’am, the medics are here, you need to move and let them do their job!” Someone said sternly in my ear.
I looked around and noticed that there was indeed two new guys in blue uniforms. They immediately started fussing over Clay, I tried to block out what they were saying, I didn’t want to hear that because it would make me lose the slight control I had over myself. I just focused on Clay’s face as they cut his shirt off of him, prodding at his body, I whimpered when I saw one of them grab a scalpel and a little piece of tubing, heading towards Clay’s already bloody chest with it.
After the longest most painful time of my life, they finally agreed that he could be moved. Apparently the tube that they had inserted had worked and was helping him breathe, his heart rate was strong. One of them said the most beautiful word I had ever heard in my life, the best word that had ever been invented in the history of the world: stable.
I felt my body relax, I laughed quietly to myself and looked at the ceiling repeating the words thank you over and over in my head. But the medics still looked really worried, an intense concentration on their faces as they discussed how best to move him without causing any more damage. One of them ran off and came back with a spinal board and neck brace. I frowned, not really understanding what was going on. They’d said he was stable, so why would they still be looking so tense about it?
The cop that was holding me turned me around to face him, “Ma’am, is there someone I should call? His parents? Yours?” he asked looking at me sympathetically. I looked back over my shoulder as they rolled Clay onto the yellow board strapping him in with little black straps. Why were they being so careful? “Ma’am?” I felt pressure on my arm and I looked back at the cop, he seemed to be waiting for me to answer something.
“Is he going to be ok? They said he was stable, that means that he’s ok, right?” I whispered.
He smiled sadly, “They’re doing everything they can, they’ll know more once he gets to the hospital. But if you could just tell me if there is someone I should call….” He trailed off looking at me expectantly.
I guess Clay’s parents should be told; I smiled at him gratefully and reached into my pocket pulling out my cell phone. I was barely holding on to my sanity and if I had to tell them what happened I think I would lose it and I couldn’t do that. I held the phone out to him, “Clay’s parents cell phones are in there under Linda and Richard. My parents are in there under mom and Brian.” I muttered looking back to the medics as they put the last couple of straps on Clay’s lifeless body.
“Ok, I’ll call them and tell them what happened and tell them to come to the hospital and meet you. Are you going in the ambulance or do you need a ride?” he asked watching as they lifted the stretcher off of the floor.
I quickly stepped forward keeping pace with them, not wanting Clay out of my sight for a second. “Can I come with you?” I begged the medic.
He smiled and nodded, “Sure Ma’am.”
I trailed along next to Clay, sitting in the little seat opposite him in the ambulance, trying to stay out of the way while the medic inserted needles into the back of his hand, attaching some clear fluid to the IV. I just sat there emotionless, I didn’t know what to do, what to think, what to say, so I did nothing. I thought nothing. I just refused to acknowledge how bad this situation was, refused to acknowledge how the medic’s forehead was creased and how his movements were a little tense. Clay would be fine; he wouldn’t leave me on my own.
When we got to the hospital, Clay was rushed in with about five people all fussing over him as they sped him through the hallways and into one of the emergency rooms. I pushed the door open wanting to go in with him, but a nurse put her arm around my shoulder smiling sympathetically at me. I wanted to scream at her to stop smiling like that, everyone was being so sad and worried, so sympathetic and apologetic, it was scary. I didn’t want to think about what could happen, all I would let myself think was that Clay would be fine and tomorrow I would apologize over and over for this happening, and he would kiss my nose and tell me that it wasn’t my fault and that he loved me. That was all I would let myself think about for now because the thoughts I had at the back of my brain were actually too horrifying to acknowledge.
“If you could just wait outside while the doctors are looking at him. Someone will be out to talk to you as soon as possible, ok?” she smiled and guided me over to a row of plastic chairs off to one side.
I nodded weakly and sat down, trying to keep my breathing steady and my heart at a normal pace. Everything was fine; I just needed to keep control of myself because behaving like a panicked stupid child wouldn’t help anyone in this situation, especially not Clay.
I couldn’t sit still, so I stood up and started pacing the hallway. I looked at each one of the paintings in turn as I walked past, thinking of anything else other than how long it was taking for them to come out and speak to me. Wasn’t the saying, ‘no news is good news’, wasn’t that how it went? So surely it was good that no one had come out yet, I nodded to myself and chewed on my lip. After a couple of minutes the cop from the house turned up and smiled at me sympathetically as he sat down on the chair I had just vacated. He didn’t say anything, just sat there watching me cautiously.
I turned to look at him. “He’s fine, their just being cautious, he’s fine,” I told him sternly. I gulped at how my voice sounded, so thick and husky that it didn’t even sound like mine.
He smiled weakly and nodded, “I’m sure he is Ma’am,”
I nodded in confirmation and switched to chewing on my nails instead of my lip, as I just continued to pace the hallway. My heart was crashing so loud in my chest that it was almost deafening, my stomach twisting, my whole body felt cold, but I put on a smile anyway. I just needed to think positive, if I willed everything to be fine then it would be, and then Clay and I could just go home and have the weekend we had been planning. The lazy weekend where we did nothing but make out and watch TV, the perfect weekend with the perfect guy.
I heard someone crying and I looked up to see Linda and Richard running down the hallway towards me. I smiled reassuringly, but kept my eyes firmly on Richard, Linda had completely lost it and I refused to let her drag me down with her.
“What happened? They said Clay had been stabbed?” Richard asked breathlessly as he gripped my shoulders a little too tight for comfort.
I gulped and nodded, “He did. He’s in there now with the doctors, but he’ll be fine,”
Linda looked at me, her eyes pink and bloodshot. “They said that? Have they been out to speak to you?” she sniffed.
I shook my head, “No they haven’t, but it’s Clay, he’ll be fine. You know him, he’s strong he wouldn’t let something like this hurt him. He wouldn’t,” I stated, my voice sounded surprisingly calm and assured and Linda smiled weakly in response.
I turned and resumed pacing as the cop spoke to them. He was telling them about how they had received a phone call from the principle of the school informing them about what had happened, how they had been dispatched to Blake’s house but they had arrived after Clay and the boys were already fighting. When he got to the part about Blake grabbing the knife I made myself walk further up the hallway so I couldn’t hear it, if I heard it then I would start to picture it, and I couldn’t do that and remain in control.
Ten minutes later the door to the room opened and a man in his mid-thirties walked out looking around. Linda, Richard and the cop all jumped up from where they were sitting. The doctor looked around until he saw me, I couldn’t move, I was just frozen in place, my feet felt like they were stuck to the floor. He wasn’t smiling, his eyes were cautious and controlled and my hands started to shake.
He ignored Linda and Richard who were looking at him expectantly; instead he walked up to me. His eyes travelled down from my face to my hand and he seemed to nod a little in confirmation.
“I notice that Clay has a wedding ring on his finger. Are you married?” he asked, looking at me intently. I nodded still unable to speak, I couldn’t even breathe properly, my heart felt like it was going to break out of my chest making me feel a little light headed. “Ok, so you’re his next of kin then. I need to talk to you about his condition,”
I felt numb inside, like this was happening to someone else, I felt detached and emotionless. I had no idea what he was going to say but I knew that Clay wasn’t dead, I would know if he’d died, I would have felt it, wouldn’t I? Don’t they say that? That you always know when something has happened to the one you love. If Clay had died then it would have killed me as well, wouldn’t it? God wouldn’t be that cruel, to leave me here without him, would he?
The doctor put his hand on my arm and I let him guide me to the chairs on the side of the hallway, my feet feeling like ten ton weights. Linda and Richard followed behind, Linda sobbing her heart out on Richard’s shoulder and I couldn’t help but feel lonely. I needed Clay to be here for me like his dad was for his mom. I sat down and looked at the doctor expectantly not knowing what on earth he was going to say but the sad look on his face was telling me that this wasn’t good news.
The doctor smiled grimly, “We’ve managed to get the bleeding under control now. The knife pierced his lung, but we’ve inserted a chest tube so that’s helping him breathe. His lung should be fine; we’ll have to leave the tube in for a couple of weeks until it’s repaired,” he stated.
That’s all? A chest tube for a couple of weeks? I felt my stomach start to unwind itself, as happiness started to build up inside me. He was lucky, we were lucky and I would never take a minute of his time for granted again. I would cherish every second of him from this day forward because every single one of them was precious, I’d never realized just how precious until now.
I smiled and nodded, “Can I go in and see him? Is he awake?” I asked grinning from ear to ear.
He shook his head, “He’s unconscious at the moment, he’s lost a lot of blood so we’re trying to replace it as quick as possible. There’s something else that I need to talk to you about,”
I frowned and nodded, “Ok,” I whispered, the smile falling from my face.
“The knife that went into Clay’s lower back has severed his spine,” he said softly.
I felt my heart sink, that couldn’t be right. Severed his spine? Did that mean he was paralyzed or something? That just couldn’t be right, Clay would never let that happen, he would never allow something like that happen to him. He would rather die than not be able to walk; I knew that because that’s the type of person he was. He hated to rely on people or burden them; he would hate to have a disability.
“You can fix it, right?” I whispered as Linda started to wail.
The doctor looked at me apologetically. “There’s something we can try, we have a very gifted surgeon here who specialized in experimental procedures. His name is Doctor Kirk and he’d like to have a look at Clay and see if there’s something he can do to help,” he said his eyes boring into mine.
I nodded and willed myself not to break down and sob, I needed to be strong now for Clay so I couldn’t let myself fall to pieces. “Ok, when can he look at him?” I asked swallowing loudly. The numbness was back now and I was grateful for it, the emptiness was easier to cope with than grief. I couldn’t let the grief and horror drag me under, I wouldn’t let it.
“He’s already assessed his injuries and he thinks there’s a chance he can limit the damage and possibly make it so that he would be able to regain the feeling in his legs. The only trouble is, the surgery is very risky, the operation is very invasive and Clay has already sustained a lot of damage to his body. It could make it worse, or even kill him,” he said sadly.
I closed my eyes and tried to pretend like he had said the K word, I couldn’t even let myself think about Clay dying, I refused to even acknowledge that. He wouldn’t leave me, he was my husband and he wouldn’t ever leave me on my own like that.
“But it might help him walk again?” I whispered not trusting my voice to speak properly. I opened my eyes looking at the doctor hopefully.
He nodded, “Yes, it’s the only chance he has of being able to walk again. Without the surgery he’ll be paralyzed from the waist down, with the surgery there’s about a fifty percent chance that he would regain feeling in his legs,”
Richard shook his head, “But you said he could die,” he stated, his hand tightening in Linda’s hair as she sobbed louder. His whole body was tight with stress and I could see he was doing the same as me, clinging to the edge of the cliff trying not to let go and completely breakdown.
