Angelfire
Page 100
He didn't answer me, but his chest rose and fel with quicker breaths.
"Why would you do it?" I asked earnestly. "Why would you risk nothingness after death for me? You can't go to Heaven, and you'l never know peace because of that. You'l only ever live this awful, wretched life of fighting. You could have so much more."
"That's not true," he said. "I don't need to go there to find peace. I've found peace with you, El ie, in between the fighting and the years when you aren't with me. You've brought me peace."
His words made my heart spin, and I fought hard not to cry. I watched his face careful y before I spoke. "Why did you kiss me?"
His expression froze in place, as if he were determined not to reveal anything in his expression. "I thought al that would have been obvious."
"That wasn't a straight answer." His eyes flickered away and back to mine indecisively. "Is it supposed to be something I have to remember on my own?"
He studied my face intensely, his gaze locked on mine instead of looking away again. "No."
"Then why--?"
"I hate . . . ," he started, his shaking voice trailing off. "I hate when you die. It destroys me. I know I have no right to be so upset, because I'm not the one losing my life, but it breaks me apart inside. I'm not very good with words, and I don't know how to explain to you how I feel. I get lonely when you aren't with me. I miss you. And every time you die, a little piece of me dies with you."
I wasn't sure what to say to him. I couldn't imagine that I was a source of comfort to him as he was to me. I could see his hands trembling, and he stood so tensely that I thought he might shatter at any moment. I stroked the back of his neck with my hand as I tried to soothe him.
"I wish I could do better," he confessed. "I wish I could save you, but I can't."
"You've saved me countless times," I said. "You saved me on the ship just last night."
"But I've failed you, too," he said urgently. "I've watched you fal so many times and been unable to do anything to save you. I don't know how many more times I can watch you die, El ie." His gaze fel away. "Forgive me. I shouldn't be saying this to you."
"No," I said, shaking my head. "I'm sorry I make you believe that you can't tel me how you feel. That's not how I want it to be between us. Please, just be honest with me?"
He leaned forward, touching his cheek to mine, making me completely forget whatever I had just said. I closed my eyes and leaned into him as his skin brushed mine and his hand touched my waist. His other hand cupped my cheek and his thumb stroked my lips. His wings lifted high over the both of us, shielding us from the cold air.
"When Ragnuk kil ed you, I looked for you everywhere," he said into my cheek. "But you didn't come back. For decades I looked for you, terrified the angels were punishing me for letting you die alone. I thought that you'd never come back to me--that I'd lost you forever."
The backs of his fingers traced down my arm delicately, as if I were made of glass. His lips softly pressed just below my ear, warming my neck. "And when you came back, when I saw you for the first time in so very long . . . I'd never been so happy in my life."
"I'l always come back to you," I promised as a warm flood rushed through me.
"I love you, El ie," he breathed, his words lighting my skin on fire, and something inside me disintegrated, leaving a rushing feeling behind. "God, I've always loved you."
I turned my face into his, desperate to meet his eyes, and when I did, centuries' worth of memories of his face flashed across my mind, and of everything he had sacrificed for me, of al his blood that had been shed, of al the torment he had endured for me. His expression was so stoic, so hardened, but his eyes told me everything. They always gave him away.
"Wil ," I said, unable to form any other words on my lips but his name.
His smile was smal and delicate, and his shoulders eased as if a weight had been lifted from them. He leaned further into me, his strong embrace engulfing me. My heartbeat quickened and thrummed stronger. "Al this time,"
he breathed. "I've always loved you and never said a thing."
He kissed me hard and folded his arm around the smal of my back, pul ing me into him. I wrapped my own arms around his shoulders and felt his other hand on my waist. I drew a nail down his biceps and the muscle trembled reflexively beneath my touch. He broke away and his lips grazed my jaw. I shivered and pul ed him closer to me.
"Don't forget that I'l always love you," he whispered against my lips, rubbing the tip of his nose to mine. "Don't forget."
I nodded and reached again for his lips, needing them more than I needed air to breathe. He kissed me again, deeper this time, luxuriously slow. His hands moved up from my back and slid through my hair to cradle my head. He ended the kiss, folded his wings back, and he rested his forehead against mine. Emotion flooded through me and I said nothing, final y understanding what he had just said to me. I knew in that instant that he was saying good-bye to his love for me. He pul ed away, and his fingertips trailed along my arm, as if to make the moment last just a little longer. As he stepped away from me, his eyes were stil that striking emerald, and I prayed the color would never fade. It took everything I had not to run to him and hold him close to me, to feel any part of him, to stare at him in wonder. I didn't know what to do--didn't know if I should have said something back.
"Why would you do it?" I asked earnestly. "Why would you risk nothingness after death for me? You can't go to Heaven, and you'l never know peace because of that. You'l only ever live this awful, wretched life of fighting. You could have so much more."
"That's not true," he said. "I don't need to go there to find peace. I've found peace with you, El ie, in between the fighting and the years when you aren't with me. You've brought me peace."
His words made my heart spin, and I fought hard not to cry. I watched his face careful y before I spoke. "Why did you kiss me?"
His expression froze in place, as if he were determined not to reveal anything in his expression. "I thought al that would have been obvious."
"That wasn't a straight answer." His eyes flickered away and back to mine indecisively. "Is it supposed to be something I have to remember on my own?"
He studied my face intensely, his gaze locked on mine instead of looking away again. "No."
"Then why--?"
"I hate . . . ," he started, his shaking voice trailing off. "I hate when you die. It destroys me. I know I have no right to be so upset, because I'm not the one losing my life, but it breaks me apart inside. I'm not very good with words, and I don't know how to explain to you how I feel. I get lonely when you aren't with me. I miss you. And every time you die, a little piece of me dies with you."
I wasn't sure what to say to him. I couldn't imagine that I was a source of comfort to him as he was to me. I could see his hands trembling, and he stood so tensely that I thought he might shatter at any moment. I stroked the back of his neck with my hand as I tried to soothe him.
"I wish I could do better," he confessed. "I wish I could save you, but I can't."
"You've saved me countless times," I said. "You saved me on the ship just last night."
"But I've failed you, too," he said urgently. "I've watched you fal so many times and been unable to do anything to save you. I don't know how many more times I can watch you die, El ie." His gaze fel away. "Forgive me. I shouldn't be saying this to you."
"No," I said, shaking my head. "I'm sorry I make you believe that you can't tel me how you feel. That's not how I want it to be between us. Please, just be honest with me?"
He leaned forward, touching his cheek to mine, making me completely forget whatever I had just said. I closed my eyes and leaned into him as his skin brushed mine and his hand touched my waist. His other hand cupped my cheek and his thumb stroked my lips. His wings lifted high over the both of us, shielding us from the cold air.
"When Ragnuk kil ed you, I looked for you everywhere," he said into my cheek. "But you didn't come back. For decades I looked for you, terrified the angels were punishing me for letting you die alone. I thought that you'd never come back to me--that I'd lost you forever."
The backs of his fingers traced down my arm delicately, as if I were made of glass. His lips softly pressed just below my ear, warming my neck. "And when you came back, when I saw you for the first time in so very long . . . I'd never been so happy in my life."
"I'l always come back to you," I promised as a warm flood rushed through me.
"I love you, El ie," he breathed, his words lighting my skin on fire, and something inside me disintegrated, leaving a rushing feeling behind. "God, I've always loved you."
I turned my face into his, desperate to meet his eyes, and when I did, centuries' worth of memories of his face flashed across my mind, and of everything he had sacrificed for me, of al his blood that had been shed, of al the torment he had endured for me. His expression was so stoic, so hardened, but his eyes told me everything. They always gave him away.
"Wil ," I said, unable to form any other words on my lips but his name.
His smile was smal and delicate, and his shoulders eased as if a weight had been lifted from them. He leaned further into me, his strong embrace engulfing me. My heartbeat quickened and thrummed stronger. "Al this time,"
he breathed. "I've always loved you and never said a thing."
He kissed me hard and folded his arm around the smal of my back, pul ing me into him. I wrapped my own arms around his shoulders and felt his other hand on my waist. I drew a nail down his biceps and the muscle trembled reflexively beneath my touch. He broke away and his lips grazed my jaw. I shivered and pul ed him closer to me.
"Don't forget that I'l always love you," he whispered against my lips, rubbing the tip of his nose to mine. "Don't forget."
I nodded and reached again for his lips, needing them more than I needed air to breathe. He kissed me again, deeper this time, luxuriously slow. His hands moved up from my back and slid through my hair to cradle my head. He ended the kiss, folded his wings back, and he rested his forehead against mine. Emotion flooded through me and I said nothing, final y understanding what he had just said to me. I knew in that instant that he was saying good-bye to his love for me. He pul ed away, and his fingertips trailed along my arm, as if to make the moment last just a little longer. As he stepped away from me, his eyes were stil that striking emerald, and I prayed the color would never fade. It took everything I had not to run to him and hold him close to me, to feel any part of him, to stare at him in wonder. I didn't know what to do--didn't know if I should have said something back.
