Anguish
Page 41
“It was a mistake.”
I shrug. “It was a mistake that made me realize it’s time to keep shit professional. I’ll be back.”
I step out before he can say anything more.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
MACK
I’m pacing. I’m pacing because the baby is crying. No, he’s fuckin’ screaming and she’s not here. My heart is pounding and my head hurts. What the fuck am I supposed to do? I got nothing, nothing to offer him. She was meant to be here so I never had to do this, so I never had to feel this shit.
His screaming gets louder.
Fuck.
I walk into the room and he’s squirming in his crib, his fists flying around. This baby has a set of lungs on him. My heart is pounding so hard I can feel it in my head. This shit is not happening. I’m not picking him up. I can’t. I can’t. What the hell am I supposed to do? How the hell am I meant to stop him screaming? It’s burning something deep in my chest.
I step out, staring around. I see my guitar against the wall.
It’s worth a shot.
I take it and walk into the room, sitting on the sofa across from him. I start strumming softly, and when I start singing, my voice is shaking. Fuck, fuck this.
I close my eyes, blocking out his screams, and I just sing. I give it everything I’ve got, praying it works, praying he stops screaming, because I don’t know what I’ll do if he doesn’t.
He does.
After five minutes, his screaming turns into whimpers, and then he stops all together. I open my eyes and see he’s watching me through the bars on his crib. Watching me with those brown eyes that are so much like hers it fuckin’ burns me. He’s got his thumb in his mouth and his eyes are trained on me, unmoving.
I keep singing.
~*~*~*~
JAYLAH
When I step into the house, I hear Mack’s soft voice immediately. I drop the bag of tampons that I actually didn’t need, because I was simply making an excuse to get out and leave him with Diesel, and slowly walk down the hall. The singing is coming from Diesel’s room, which surprises me. I get up on my tiptoes and carefully make my way down further, until I’m stopped at Diesel’s door. I peer in, and what I see melts my heart.
Mack is sitting on the sofa, his eyes trained on his son, and he’s singing. Softly, so sweet, so God damned heart-wrenching.
I made the right choice.
Diesel is watching him, his thumb stuck in his mouth. He’s got red cheeks, and I know he’s been crying. I know him crying would have flustered Mack, and it melts my heart that he’s figured out a way to soothe him. It’s not much, but it’s a start. A beautiful start. My throat gets tight, and I can’t force my eyes away from them.
Stepping back, I tiptoe back down the hall.
They can have a few minutes more.
He needs it.
More than he thinks.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
“You gonna seriously stalk off and ignore me?” Mack says as I walk to bed later that night, pajama bottoms on, top bound up around my waist in a knot and book in hand.
“Yes,” I say, continuing without looking back.
“You know I fucked up,” he says.
I stop, but don’t turn. “You think?”
“Jesus, I had just woken up. I wasn’t thinkin’.”
“I don’t know why you’re explaining yourself to me, Mack,” I say, my voice low. “It shouldn’t have happened in the first place.”
“Bullshit,” he says, his voice gravelly.
“Bullshit nothing,” I snap. “You’ve been an asshole to me from day one. It was a moment of weakness, and it won’t happen again.”
“It will.”
“No, it won’t.”
“Yeah, it will.”
I spin. “You called me by another woman’s name,” I shriek. “It won’t.”
“I fucked up,” he snaps, stepping forward.
“Jesus, Mack. Do you have any fucking idea how much you hurt me? Do you have any idea how you crushed me with just that one word? The sad thing is, a part of me gets it. I’ve heard the story, I know what went down—I know she was the one and only and you’ll never love the same again, but when you said her name, it tore me to pieces.”
His face softens slightly. Only slightly.
“I was dreamin’ about her.”
I growl, turning. “That doesn’t make it better.”
“Then you were here, and you were whisperin’ those sweet fuckin’ words to me again.” His voice drops low. “Come on, honey, come for me.”
I shiver, but don’t turn back.
“It doesn’t excuse it.”
The bite in my voice is gone, and it’s softened.
“No, you’re right, it doesn’t.”
“I might not be her, hell, I might be just something you think you can play with, but I’m still a person, Mack. I have feelings, and there is nothing worse than knowing a man was inside you, and he was thinking of someone else.”
“Wasn’t thinkin’ of her, Jaylah.”
“You said her name,” I breathe.
“It came out. Don’t know why, but it wasn’t because I wasn’t thinkin’ of you.”
“That’s a lie,” I mutter, turning again.
Suddenly his body heat is at my back, and his breath is on my neck. “I’m a lot of things, Jaylah. I don’t connect, I don’t like bein’ close to people and I don’t pretend to be anything else, but when I was inside you, it was you in my head.”
I shrug. “It was a mistake that made me realize it’s time to keep shit professional. I’ll be back.”
I step out before he can say anything more.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
MACK
I’m pacing. I’m pacing because the baby is crying. No, he’s fuckin’ screaming and she’s not here. My heart is pounding and my head hurts. What the fuck am I supposed to do? I got nothing, nothing to offer him. She was meant to be here so I never had to do this, so I never had to feel this shit.
His screaming gets louder.
Fuck.
I walk into the room and he’s squirming in his crib, his fists flying around. This baby has a set of lungs on him. My heart is pounding so hard I can feel it in my head. This shit is not happening. I’m not picking him up. I can’t. I can’t. What the hell am I supposed to do? How the hell am I meant to stop him screaming? It’s burning something deep in my chest.
I step out, staring around. I see my guitar against the wall.
It’s worth a shot.
I take it and walk into the room, sitting on the sofa across from him. I start strumming softly, and when I start singing, my voice is shaking. Fuck, fuck this.
I close my eyes, blocking out his screams, and I just sing. I give it everything I’ve got, praying it works, praying he stops screaming, because I don’t know what I’ll do if he doesn’t.
He does.
After five minutes, his screaming turns into whimpers, and then he stops all together. I open my eyes and see he’s watching me through the bars on his crib. Watching me with those brown eyes that are so much like hers it fuckin’ burns me. He’s got his thumb in his mouth and his eyes are trained on me, unmoving.
I keep singing.
~*~*~*~
JAYLAH
When I step into the house, I hear Mack’s soft voice immediately. I drop the bag of tampons that I actually didn’t need, because I was simply making an excuse to get out and leave him with Diesel, and slowly walk down the hall. The singing is coming from Diesel’s room, which surprises me. I get up on my tiptoes and carefully make my way down further, until I’m stopped at Diesel’s door. I peer in, and what I see melts my heart.
Mack is sitting on the sofa, his eyes trained on his son, and he’s singing. Softly, so sweet, so God damned heart-wrenching.
I made the right choice.
Diesel is watching him, his thumb stuck in his mouth. He’s got red cheeks, and I know he’s been crying. I know him crying would have flustered Mack, and it melts my heart that he’s figured out a way to soothe him. It’s not much, but it’s a start. A beautiful start. My throat gets tight, and I can’t force my eyes away from them.
Stepping back, I tiptoe back down the hall.
They can have a few minutes more.
He needs it.
More than he thinks.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
“You gonna seriously stalk off and ignore me?” Mack says as I walk to bed later that night, pajama bottoms on, top bound up around my waist in a knot and book in hand.
“Yes,” I say, continuing without looking back.
“You know I fucked up,” he says.
I stop, but don’t turn. “You think?”
“Jesus, I had just woken up. I wasn’t thinkin’.”
“I don’t know why you’re explaining yourself to me, Mack,” I say, my voice low. “It shouldn’t have happened in the first place.”
“Bullshit,” he says, his voice gravelly.
“Bullshit nothing,” I snap. “You’ve been an asshole to me from day one. It was a moment of weakness, and it won’t happen again.”
“It will.”
“No, it won’t.”
“Yeah, it will.”
I spin. “You called me by another woman’s name,” I shriek. “It won’t.”
“I fucked up,” he snaps, stepping forward.
“Jesus, Mack. Do you have any fucking idea how much you hurt me? Do you have any idea how you crushed me with just that one word? The sad thing is, a part of me gets it. I’ve heard the story, I know what went down—I know she was the one and only and you’ll never love the same again, but when you said her name, it tore me to pieces.”
His face softens slightly. Only slightly.
“I was dreamin’ about her.”
I growl, turning. “That doesn’t make it better.”
“Then you were here, and you were whisperin’ those sweet fuckin’ words to me again.” His voice drops low. “Come on, honey, come for me.”
I shiver, but don’t turn back.
“It doesn’t excuse it.”
The bite in my voice is gone, and it’s softened.
“No, you’re right, it doesn’t.”
“I might not be her, hell, I might be just something you think you can play with, but I’m still a person, Mack. I have feelings, and there is nothing worse than knowing a man was inside you, and he was thinking of someone else.”
“Wasn’t thinkin’ of her, Jaylah.”
“You said her name,” I breathe.
“It came out. Don’t know why, but it wasn’t because I wasn’t thinkin’ of you.”
“That’s a lie,” I mutter, turning again.
Suddenly his body heat is at my back, and his breath is on my neck. “I’m a lot of things, Jaylah. I don’t connect, I don’t like bein’ close to people and I don’t pretend to be anything else, but when I was inside you, it was you in my head.”
