Animal Dreams
Page 48
"Okay," I said, feeling happy. I was sure no other man I'd ever known would have concerned himself with what animals dream about. "I'm going to sleep now, and I'll give you a report." I settled my head back down on his chest. His heartbeat moved faintly against my ear as I looked out across the ground. I saw my silver earring gleaming in the grass.
Chapter 13
HOMERO
13 Crybabies
His name is gone. He understands that this is his own fault. He took a pen to paper and changed it, canceled his ancestors, and now his grandchild-Codi's child-has been erased like something in writing too, rather than flesh and blood. He knows she's no longer carrying it. He's aware of the signs.
The red darkroom light burns like a dying sun, very old: red dwarfs, they call them when they reach that stage. He sometimes reads astronomy now, when he can't sleep. But at this moment, outside this sealed room, it's daytime. He considers carefully the time of day and of year, and his daughters' ages, a ritual he performs a dozen times daily to keep himself rooted in time. That was nearly twenty years ago, when Codi lost the baby. He has photographed the eyes of so many babies. He gets lost among years now, the way he used to lose track when he sat in the dark movie theater for too many hours. He has always loved the dark.
The liquid feels cool on his hands, though it's a chemical bath, not particularly good for the elasticity of human skin. He should use the Piper forceps from the kitchen, but he has misplaced them. He moves the photograph into the fixative and stares at the lines. And frowns. They are a precise copy of what the real world offered his camera, and nothing more: the branched shadow of a cane cholla falling across a square of pale, cracked ground. He found the image while walking in the arroyo, and immediately saw the illusion he could draw out of it: a river in the desert. He'd seen exactly this sight, in aerial view. It was years ago, in wartime-they had taken him in a small plane over the bombing range near Yuma; a soldier lay wounded out there and couldn't be moved. They flew the quickest route, over the Algodones dunes, a dead ocean of undulating sand. The pilot said it was harder to fly over dunes on a hot day than through a tornado; the plane shuddered until its rivets creaked. Then suddenly they were over the Colorado River agricultural plain. He marveled, feeling lucky as a spaceman. Surely no one had ever seen this amazing sight, a complex river fretted with canals cutting an unearthly path through the bone-dry land.
He can't remember the wounded soldier. He closes his eyes and tries, but he can't. Possibly some chest wound, a punctured lung? No, he can't bring the soldier back. But he remembers the vision of that water. He gently agitates the photograph in its stop bath, lost in technical possibilities. He knows there must be a way to transfigure this cactus shadow into that other vision, which no longer exists outside his mind. All his photographs begin in his memory. That is the point. He might be the only man on earth who can photograph the past.
He stops suddenly, feeling a presence outside the door.
"Codi?" He listens. "I'm printing, it will be a few more minutes. Codi, are you there?" He hears nothing. It's a Monday morning, she can't be here. She's teaching school. He drops the print into the fixer, annoyed, and goes back to the enlarger to try again. He should lock that door to guard against accidents. What a shock that would be to the girls, a locked door. They have always had rules about this; a closed door is a sacred thing. Privacy is respected. There is no call for bolted doors in the Noline household. But she still locked him out-she was in the bathroom that night for more than four hours. When he walked by he could see that the upper bolt was turned. She'd gone in right after dinner. There are rules about this.
"Codi?"
He listens again, but there is no sound at all.
He knocks. "I just want to know that you're all right."
"I'm all right."
She is crying softly. "I can hear that you're crying," he says. "Your sister is concerned. You could just tell us what's wrong."
"Nothing's wrong. I'm just a crybaby. You're always telling me I'm a crybaby, so you're right."
That isn't true, he doesn't use that word. He tells them they should try to be grown-up girls. But he hasn't needed to tell them that for years.
In another minute she calls out quietly, "Is Hallie out there? I need to talk to her."
Hallie is in her room, reading. She doesn't seem especially concerned; Codi has been so moody of late that Hallie leaves her alone. They don't argue but there is a new distance between them. A gulf. Codi crossed over into adolescence, leaving Hallie behind for the time being. They both seem lost. All three of them, really: a marooned family, shipwrecked on three separate islands. Before, when the girls were close, he worried about what would happen when they lost each other. Now they have.
Chapter 13
HOMERO
13 Crybabies
His name is gone. He understands that this is his own fault. He took a pen to paper and changed it, canceled his ancestors, and now his grandchild-Codi's child-has been erased like something in writing too, rather than flesh and blood. He knows she's no longer carrying it. He's aware of the signs.
The red darkroom light burns like a dying sun, very old: red dwarfs, they call them when they reach that stage. He sometimes reads astronomy now, when he can't sleep. But at this moment, outside this sealed room, it's daytime. He considers carefully the time of day and of year, and his daughters' ages, a ritual he performs a dozen times daily to keep himself rooted in time. That was nearly twenty years ago, when Codi lost the baby. He has photographed the eyes of so many babies. He gets lost among years now, the way he used to lose track when he sat in the dark movie theater for too many hours. He has always loved the dark.
The liquid feels cool on his hands, though it's a chemical bath, not particularly good for the elasticity of human skin. He should use the Piper forceps from the kitchen, but he has misplaced them. He moves the photograph into the fixative and stares at the lines. And frowns. They are a precise copy of what the real world offered his camera, and nothing more: the branched shadow of a cane cholla falling across a square of pale, cracked ground. He found the image while walking in the arroyo, and immediately saw the illusion he could draw out of it: a river in the desert. He'd seen exactly this sight, in aerial view. It was years ago, in wartime-they had taken him in a small plane over the bombing range near Yuma; a soldier lay wounded out there and couldn't be moved. They flew the quickest route, over the Algodones dunes, a dead ocean of undulating sand. The pilot said it was harder to fly over dunes on a hot day than through a tornado; the plane shuddered until its rivets creaked. Then suddenly they were over the Colorado River agricultural plain. He marveled, feeling lucky as a spaceman. Surely no one had ever seen this amazing sight, a complex river fretted with canals cutting an unearthly path through the bone-dry land.
He can't remember the wounded soldier. He closes his eyes and tries, but he can't. Possibly some chest wound, a punctured lung? No, he can't bring the soldier back. But he remembers the vision of that water. He gently agitates the photograph in its stop bath, lost in technical possibilities. He knows there must be a way to transfigure this cactus shadow into that other vision, which no longer exists outside his mind. All his photographs begin in his memory. That is the point. He might be the only man on earth who can photograph the past.
He stops suddenly, feeling a presence outside the door.
"Codi?" He listens. "I'm printing, it will be a few more minutes. Codi, are you there?" He hears nothing. It's a Monday morning, she can't be here. She's teaching school. He drops the print into the fixer, annoyed, and goes back to the enlarger to try again. He should lock that door to guard against accidents. What a shock that would be to the girls, a locked door. They have always had rules about this; a closed door is a sacred thing. Privacy is respected. There is no call for bolted doors in the Noline household. But she still locked him out-she was in the bathroom that night for more than four hours. When he walked by he could see that the upper bolt was turned. She'd gone in right after dinner. There are rules about this.
"Codi?"
He listens again, but there is no sound at all.
He knocks. "I just want to know that you're all right."
"I'm all right."
She is crying softly. "I can hear that you're crying," he says. "Your sister is concerned. You could just tell us what's wrong."
"Nothing's wrong. I'm just a crybaby. You're always telling me I'm a crybaby, so you're right."
That isn't true, he doesn't use that word. He tells them they should try to be grown-up girls. But he hasn't needed to tell them that for years.
In another minute she calls out quietly, "Is Hallie out there? I need to talk to her."
Hallie is in her room, reading. She doesn't seem especially concerned; Codi has been so moody of late that Hallie leaves her alone. They don't argue but there is a new distance between them. A gulf. Codi crossed over into adolescence, leaving Hallie behind for the time being. They both seem lost. All three of them, really: a marooned family, shipwrecked on three separate islands. Before, when the girls were close, he worried about what would happen when they lost each other. Now they have.
