Arsen: A Broken Love Story
Page 10
As understanding as I think my father is, if he knew exactly what was going on in my mind, I think he’d completely lose it. However, he knows I’m not a virgin anymore. He almost killed Jack, and his father when he found the condom wrapper under my bed.
Talk about awkward.
I reach for my dad and one arm hug him. Pushing my body closer to his, I nuzzle the edge of his sweater clad shoulder, breathing in the smell of rain, musty cotton and his ever familiar cologne. “The boy who happens to be chasing after me is a good guy.” I try to reassure him. But I don’t think he believes me by the look on his face. He knows I’m not telling him the whole story.
Fuck-Fuckity-fuck.
I so don’t want to be having this conversation with my dad right before I leave.
He clears his throat, “Catherine, I know it’s a bit late to be having this conversation.”
And there you have it. Looks like we are having the discussion after all.
“I raised you well, and I know that you respect yourself and your body, but are you sure you’re ready to be traveling with some boy who you’ve been seeing for less than a month?” My dad wraps his left arm around my shoulder, giving me a reassuring squeeze. Like that’s going to help.
I recline my head on his shoulder. “Well. I think I’m ready, Daddy. Please don’t ask for details. It’s freaking me out having this conversation with you, but if you must know. I don’t think you have to worry. We know what we are doing.”
Staring at each other, my dad raises an eyebrow as if calling my bullshit. “Anyway, it won’t be just the two of us. As you already know because I’m pretty sure we’ve gone over this before plenty of times, a bunch of his friends will be there. It’s a house party, Dad.”
“This is why I hate being a single father. I’m not sure what to do or say and I feel as if I’m throwing my little girl to the wolves,” my dad mutters.
“Dad! I know you’re far from being okay with this, but Ben is so nice and he treats me like a princess. Trust me.”
It looks like he wants to say something else but Ben decides to finally show up. Thank goodness.
As I make a move to stand up, my dad stops me. “Just promise me that you’ll be careful, Cathy. I don’t want to see you hurt again,” my father says, gently reminding me of the mess Matt made a year ago.
“Yes, Daddy, but somehow I have a feeling that Ben would never hurt me like that.”
And as the words leave my mouth, I know they are true.
After an awkward and uncomfortable goodbye, we make our way to Ben’s black Land Rover. When Ben opens the passenger door for me, he leans down and cups my cheeks in both of his large hands, lowering his face to plant a gentle peck on my lips. Even though the kiss is tender and sweet, it makes the tips of my toes curl inside my leather boots. I immediately want to deepen the kiss, but Ben pulls away before I get a chance to push my body closer to his. “Damn, girl. Do you want your dad to shoot me? For a moment there, I thought he was going to go back inside the house to fetch his gun.” Smiling, he looks like he wants to kiss me again, but he doesn’t. “I seriously hope he doesn’t own one.”
Once I’m inside the car, I turn around to look at the front porch one last time. How I knew that my dad would still be standing there watching me getting ready to leave isn’t really a mystery. He’s always there for me. I wave goodbye with one hand and blow him a kiss with the other. He pretends to catch it, then tucks it inside his jeans pocket. It seems cheesy now, but when I was a little girl it rocked my world, so we never stopped doing it.
As Ben pulls away from the curb, he reaches for my hand, intertwining our fingers together. My starved body feeds itself on his warmth. “Hi, babe. I missed you.”
I turn to look at him, feeling a smile tug at the corner of my lips. “Me too. Twenty-four hours is suuuch a long time. I don’t know how I made it through,” I joke, trying to play it cool. Teasing Ben is lots of fun because most of the time, he teases back…naughtily.
Ben’s sexy little smirk grows into a full smile as he brings our connecting hands to his lips, kissing my hand. All of a sudden, the car feels very hot. Turning away from him, I fan myself with my free hand. I hate that Ben does this to me.
No, that’s a lie.
I love it.
Ben drives for maybe five blocks when he pulls to the curb of a random house in my neighborhood. Not exactly sure why he’s stopping when we just left my house. I’m about to ask what’s wrong, but I never get a word out because his lips are suddenly on mine, devouring me like he’s a starved man and I’m the first piece of food he’s had in weeks. Tangling his hands in my hair, he pulls me closer to him, deepening the kiss. The moment our tongues touch, I hear him groan, but he continues to torture me with his mouth. When we end the kiss, I feel light-headed, but so darn horny.
Who needs oxygen? Oxygen is so overrated.
With his fingers still tangled in my hair, I cup his face in my hands, and we gaze at each other without saying anything at all. I see a blush covering the crests of his cheeks as his lips, swollen from my kisses, smile at me. I smile back.
“Well, that was nice,” I say, trying to nip at his finger closest to my mouth.
“You better believe it. Now stop being so damn cute or we’re never going to make it in time to Newport.” Letting go of my hair, he brings the thumb of his free had to rub gently over my puffy lip. The rough texture of his finger over my mouth reminds me of where those fingers have been before, and it seems that Ben remembers too because he groans again and lets me go completely. “Damn, girl. You’re driving me f**king crazy.”
While Slutty Cathy is doing a ‘Hell, Yeah!’ dance inside my head, I try to hide the huge smirk starting to break through the surface of my face. “You’re not the only one hot and bothered here, you know? What would you like me to do?”
Ben shakes his head while his gaze remains on me; his soft maple brown eyes look almost black with intense desire
Oh, boy.
“Hmm…well, smartypants, since I don’t want us to get into a car accident, how about you stay in your seat and ignore me.”
“Seriously?” I laugh, “What are you twelve?”
Smirking, he looks down at his pants then looks back up to me, wiggling his eyebrows. “Around you? Yes.”
My eyes travel to his pants and...
Hello!
“Really, Ben?” I shake my head, but I can’t stop the laugh that is fighting so hard to escape again.
With a beautiful smile on his face, Ben looks down at himself, then back at me. “Only for you, Cathy. I mean it.” As the words leave his mouth, I know what he is trying to tell me. He is trying to reassure me that he wants me, only me. And at this moment, I believe him.
I truly believe him.
The trip to Newport, Rhode Island is a blur, but a few things stick in my mind: the comfortable silence, the stolen glances, Ben accidentally copping a feel here and there, and the warmth of his hand in mine. When we arrive to Newport, I’m totally blown away. I knew Newport was where some “old money” people vacationed in their big houses, but you really have no idea what wealth of that magnitude is until you see one of these mansions up close. The one I’m currently staring at keeps getting bigger and bigger as we drive through the never ending gravel driveway.
The ocean front estate is gigantic. Holy shit! Did I just die and wake up in a scene from the Great Gatsby?
As Ben parks his car in front of the illuminated main entrance, I’m in a state of shock, awe, and to be honest, kind of freaking out. I knew Ben came from money and that most of his friends were wealthy as well, but I hadn’t imagined we were talking about this kind of money. Rubbing my sweaty palms over my jeans, I observe the commotion that’s taking place inside the house at the moment. Loud techno music is blaring through the open windows into the night, and I can see the outlines of some couples making out and dancing close together.
Overwhelmed with the realization of how far out of my comfort zone I am, I turn to look at Ben as my stomach begins to twist with the bad kind of nerves, “Umm…I…I…”
I know I shouldn’t feel intimidated by a big house and the idea of spending a whole weekend with rich people. My dad raised me to know my own worth and to always be proud of what we have, who we are, but…
Shit, who am I kidding? Your ideas of self-worth kind of go flying out the window when you’re standing in front of a mansion that accommodates a garage bigger than your own house.
Ben turns the car off, then reaches for my hand once more, giving it a supportive squeeze. “Cathy, it’s going to be fine. Julian is the shit and his twin sister, Morgan, is pretty awesome as well. We’re going to have a lot of fun this weekend.” He leans over the console, plants a kiss on my forehead and nudges his nose against mine. “Trust me. You’re here with me. No one will bother you.”
I turn in his direction and hug him hard. I feel the strong muscles of his body wrapped within my arms, smell his masculine scent mixed with expensive cologne, and I make a decision about us.
Tonight will be the night.
I can’t continue living my life in fear, worried that Ben will leave me one day. I can’t. I must take a chance on him, trust my heart and let him take me to that place that only he can show me. After kissing his neck, I whisper, “Don’t worry about me. I’ll be okay. I was just shocked, but I’ll get over it. Remember, I’m a tough Queens’ girl. Just promise me one thing.”
Ben leans back far enough to see my face. As I stare into a warm pool of deep brown, my hand caresses his cheek. Ben closes his eyes for a moment, but when he opens them, I see my answer gazing right back at me.
It will be fine.
“Just promise me that we’ll have tonight to ourselves.”
“Of course. We’re staying in the same room.”
“Um, yeah...I knew that. What I meant, uh...what I mean is that…well…I’m ready. You know, ready.” Blushing, I hope that Ben gets my meaning because I don’t think I could be any more direct without telling him to sleep with me.
Ben is quiet for what seems an eternity.
Oh my God. What if I read the signals all wrong? No.
He wants me. I know it.
He likes me. I know it.
But his silence is freaking me out. When I’m about to tell him to forget it, he finally speaks.
“No, Cathy. I can’t do that.”
“What? Come again?” That is so not what I was expecting. Where is Horny Ben when I want him?
Abruptly he lets go of me, shakes his head and looks away, speaking to the windshield. “No. Let’s try this again. You know damn well that I want you. So damn much, but I didn’t bring you here to get you to have sex with me. I’m better than that.” Turning around, he immobilizes me with his stare. “You’re better than that. Hell, I’m not that kind of an asshole, Cathy. You should know better.”
Is he kidding me? “Ben, no. I want to…I’m ready.” You would think that when you tell the guy you’ve been seeing that you’re finally ready to have sex with him, he would say, “Hell yeah! Where’s the bed?” Instead, I’m stuck with a righteous asshole.
“No, Cathy. Please, drop it.”
I can feel shame beginning to burn my face, and the humiliation sinking deep within. Ben’s eyes soften as he takes my hand in his. “Look, babe, let’s talk about it tonight when we’re alone. Not when we’re parked outside Julian’s house and—”
Confused and hurt by his rejection, I push his hand away. “I’m not dropping it. We’ve been seeing each other for a month now, and we’ve done pretty much everything but have sex.”
Ben opens his mouth to say something, but I don’t let him get a word out.
“I thought we waited this long for me to be ready. Well, I am now, so why the hell not? And I’m sorry, but I don’t buy your excuse of,” lifting my fingers in quotations marks, I throw his words back in his face, “I didn’t bring you here to have sex with me.”
I know I’m being illogical. It was me who asked him to take it slow just to make sure he was over his ex before sleeping together.
What if he’s not over her?
But he wants me. He just said so.
A feeling of dread settles in my stomach. “Let me ask you something, Ben. How long did you wait to sleep with Ashley, huh? Did you tell her no when she offered herself to you? Because that’s basically what I just did. Or are you making stupid excuses because you’re not over her?”
I hear Ben groan as he puts his face in his hands. Waves of frustration radiate from his body, blasting me with their force. “What the fuck, Cathy? That’s low, even for you. Why do you have to bring up the past?”
“I’m confused, that’s why. I-I thought you liked me. That you wanted me and now, you don’t…is it because of her?”
Silence.
Nothing.
Ben doesn’t say anything.
He just looks at me.
His silence hurts.
His silence is majorly pissing me off.
“Well, I wanted to know, didn’t I? I guess I have my answer.”
Frustration is written in the frowning lines of Ben’s face, his set jaw and the way he’s tugging his hair. When he’s about to speak, someone opens my door and interrupts our first fight.
And maybe our last.
Cool air hits me in the face, filling the warm interior of the car with a cold breeze. Ben and I turn to look at the person who rudely interrupted us mid argument. My eyes meet a pair of blue eyes on the face of a gorgeous guy. He has shaggy brown hair and some freckles on the crest of his nose, full lips, and a cleft on his chin.
Talk about awkward.
I reach for my dad and one arm hug him. Pushing my body closer to his, I nuzzle the edge of his sweater clad shoulder, breathing in the smell of rain, musty cotton and his ever familiar cologne. “The boy who happens to be chasing after me is a good guy.” I try to reassure him. But I don’t think he believes me by the look on his face. He knows I’m not telling him the whole story.
Fuck-Fuckity-fuck.
I so don’t want to be having this conversation with my dad right before I leave.
He clears his throat, “Catherine, I know it’s a bit late to be having this conversation.”
And there you have it. Looks like we are having the discussion after all.
“I raised you well, and I know that you respect yourself and your body, but are you sure you’re ready to be traveling with some boy who you’ve been seeing for less than a month?” My dad wraps his left arm around my shoulder, giving me a reassuring squeeze. Like that’s going to help.
I recline my head on his shoulder. “Well. I think I’m ready, Daddy. Please don’t ask for details. It’s freaking me out having this conversation with you, but if you must know. I don’t think you have to worry. We know what we are doing.”
Staring at each other, my dad raises an eyebrow as if calling my bullshit. “Anyway, it won’t be just the two of us. As you already know because I’m pretty sure we’ve gone over this before plenty of times, a bunch of his friends will be there. It’s a house party, Dad.”
“This is why I hate being a single father. I’m not sure what to do or say and I feel as if I’m throwing my little girl to the wolves,” my dad mutters.
“Dad! I know you’re far from being okay with this, but Ben is so nice and he treats me like a princess. Trust me.”
It looks like he wants to say something else but Ben decides to finally show up. Thank goodness.
As I make a move to stand up, my dad stops me. “Just promise me that you’ll be careful, Cathy. I don’t want to see you hurt again,” my father says, gently reminding me of the mess Matt made a year ago.
“Yes, Daddy, but somehow I have a feeling that Ben would never hurt me like that.”
And as the words leave my mouth, I know they are true.
After an awkward and uncomfortable goodbye, we make our way to Ben’s black Land Rover. When Ben opens the passenger door for me, he leans down and cups my cheeks in both of his large hands, lowering his face to plant a gentle peck on my lips. Even though the kiss is tender and sweet, it makes the tips of my toes curl inside my leather boots. I immediately want to deepen the kiss, but Ben pulls away before I get a chance to push my body closer to his. “Damn, girl. Do you want your dad to shoot me? For a moment there, I thought he was going to go back inside the house to fetch his gun.” Smiling, he looks like he wants to kiss me again, but he doesn’t. “I seriously hope he doesn’t own one.”
Once I’m inside the car, I turn around to look at the front porch one last time. How I knew that my dad would still be standing there watching me getting ready to leave isn’t really a mystery. He’s always there for me. I wave goodbye with one hand and blow him a kiss with the other. He pretends to catch it, then tucks it inside his jeans pocket. It seems cheesy now, but when I was a little girl it rocked my world, so we never stopped doing it.
As Ben pulls away from the curb, he reaches for my hand, intertwining our fingers together. My starved body feeds itself on his warmth. “Hi, babe. I missed you.”
I turn to look at him, feeling a smile tug at the corner of my lips. “Me too. Twenty-four hours is suuuch a long time. I don’t know how I made it through,” I joke, trying to play it cool. Teasing Ben is lots of fun because most of the time, he teases back…naughtily.
Ben’s sexy little smirk grows into a full smile as he brings our connecting hands to his lips, kissing my hand. All of a sudden, the car feels very hot. Turning away from him, I fan myself with my free hand. I hate that Ben does this to me.
No, that’s a lie.
I love it.
Ben drives for maybe five blocks when he pulls to the curb of a random house in my neighborhood. Not exactly sure why he’s stopping when we just left my house. I’m about to ask what’s wrong, but I never get a word out because his lips are suddenly on mine, devouring me like he’s a starved man and I’m the first piece of food he’s had in weeks. Tangling his hands in my hair, he pulls me closer to him, deepening the kiss. The moment our tongues touch, I hear him groan, but he continues to torture me with his mouth. When we end the kiss, I feel light-headed, but so darn horny.
Who needs oxygen? Oxygen is so overrated.
With his fingers still tangled in my hair, I cup his face in my hands, and we gaze at each other without saying anything at all. I see a blush covering the crests of his cheeks as his lips, swollen from my kisses, smile at me. I smile back.
“Well, that was nice,” I say, trying to nip at his finger closest to my mouth.
“You better believe it. Now stop being so damn cute or we’re never going to make it in time to Newport.” Letting go of my hair, he brings the thumb of his free had to rub gently over my puffy lip. The rough texture of his finger over my mouth reminds me of where those fingers have been before, and it seems that Ben remembers too because he groans again and lets me go completely. “Damn, girl. You’re driving me f**king crazy.”
While Slutty Cathy is doing a ‘Hell, Yeah!’ dance inside my head, I try to hide the huge smirk starting to break through the surface of my face. “You’re not the only one hot and bothered here, you know? What would you like me to do?”
Ben shakes his head while his gaze remains on me; his soft maple brown eyes look almost black with intense desire
Oh, boy.
“Hmm…well, smartypants, since I don’t want us to get into a car accident, how about you stay in your seat and ignore me.”
“Seriously?” I laugh, “What are you twelve?”
Smirking, he looks down at his pants then looks back up to me, wiggling his eyebrows. “Around you? Yes.”
My eyes travel to his pants and...
Hello!
“Really, Ben?” I shake my head, but I can’t stop the laugh that is fighting so hard to escape again.
With a beautiful smile on his face, Ben looks down at himself, then back at me. “Only for you, Cathy. I mean it.” As the words leave his mouth, I know what he is trying to tell me. He is trying to reassure me that he wants me, only me. And at this moment, I believe him.
I truly believe him.
The trip to Newport, Rhode Island is a blur, but a few things stick in my mind: the comfortable silence, the stolen glances, Ben accidentally copping a feel here and there, and the warmth of his hand in mine. When we arrive to Newport, I’m totally blown away. I knew Newport was where some “old money” people vacationed in their big houses, but you really have no idea what wealth of that magnitude is until you see one of these mansions up close. The one I’m currently staring at keeps getting bigger and bigger as we drive through the never ending gravel driveway.
The ocean front estate is gigantic. Holy shit! Did I just die and wake up in a scene from the Great Gatsby?
As Ben parks his car in front of the illuminated main entrance, I’m in a state of shock, awe, and to be honest, kind of freaking out. I knew Ben came from money and that most of his friends were wealthy as well, but I hadn’t imagined we were talking about this kind of money. Rubbing my sweaty palms over my jeans, I observe the commotion that’s taking place inside the house at the moment. Loud techno music is blaring through the open windows into the night, and I can see the outlines of some couples making out and dancing close together.
Overwhelmed with the realization of how far out of my comfort zone I am, I turn to look at Ben as my stomach begins to twist with the bad kind of nerves, “Umm…I…I…”
I know I shouldn’t feel intimidated by a big house and the idea of spending a whole weekend with rich people. My dad raised me to know my own worth and to always be proud of what we have, who we are, but…
Shit, who am I kidding? Your ideas of self-worth kind of go flying out the window when you’re standing in front of a mansion that accommodates a garage bigger than your own house.
Ben turns the car off, then reaches for my hand once more, giving it a supportive squeeze. “Cathy, it’s going to be fine. Julian is the shit and his twin sister, Morgan, is pretty awesome as well. We’re going to have a lot of fun this weekend.” He leans over the console, plants a kiss on my forehead and nudges his nose against mine. “Trust me. You’re here with me. No one will bother you.”
I turn in his direction and hug him hard. I feel the strong muscles of his body wrapped within my arms, smell his masculine scent mixed with expensive cologne, and I make a decision about us.
Tonight will be the night.
I can’t continue living my life in fear, worried that Ben will leave me one day. I can’t. I must take a chance on him, trust my heart and let him take me to that place that only he can show me. After kissing his neck, I whisper, “Don’t worry about me. I’ll be okay. I was just shocked, but I’ll get over it. Remember, I’m a tough Queens’ girl. Just promise me one thing.”
Ben leans back far enough to see my face. As I stare into a warm pool of deep brown, my hand caresses his cheek. Ben closes his eyes for a moment, but when he opens them, I see my answer gazing right back at me.
It will be fine.
“Just promise me that we’ll have tonight to ourselves.”
“Of course. We’re staying in the same room.”
“Um, yeah...I knew that. What I meant, uh...what I mean is that…well…I’m ready. You know, ready.” Blushing, I hope that Ben gets my meaning because I don’t think I could be any more direct without telling him to sleep with me.
Ben is quiet for what seems an eternity.
Oh my God. What if I read the signals all wrong? No.
He wants me. I know it.
He likes me. I know it.
But his silence is freaking me out. When I’m about to tell him to forget it, he finally speaks.
“No, Cathy. I can’t do that.”
“What? Come again?” That is so not what I was expecting. Where is Horny Ben when I want him?
Abruptly he lets go of me, shakes his head and looks away, speaking to the windshield. “No. Let’s try this again. You know damn well that I want you. So damn much, but I didn’t bring you here to get you to have sex with me. I’m better than that.” Turning around, he immobilizes me with his stare. “You’re better than that. Hell, I’m not that kind of an asshole, Cathy. You should know better.”
Is he kidding me? “Ben, no. I want to…I’m ready.” You would think that when you tell the guy you’ve been seeing that you’re finally ready to have sex with him, he would say, “Hell yeah! Where’s the bed?” Instead, I’m stuck with a righteous asshole.
“No, Cathy. Please, drop it.”
I can feel shame beginning to burn my face, and the humiliation sinking deep within. Ben’s eyes soften as he takes my hand in his. “Look, babe, let’s talk about it tonight when we’re alone. Not when we’re parked outside Julian’s house and—”
Confused and hurt by his rejection, I push his hand away. “I’m not dropping it. We’ve been seeing each other for a month now, and we’ve done pretty much everything but have sex.”
Ben opens his mouth to say something, but I don’t let him get a word out.
“I thought we waited this long for me to be ready. Well, I am now, so why the hell not? And I’m sorry, but I don’t buy your excuse of,” lifting my fingers in quotations marks, I throw his words back in his face, “I didn’t bring you here to have sex with me.”
I know I’m being illogical. It was me who asked him to take it slow just to make sure he was over his ex before sleeping together.
What if he’s not over her?
But he wants me. He just said so.
A feeling of dread settles in my stomach. “Let me ask you something, Ben. How long did you wait to sleep with Ashley, huh? Did you tell her no when she offered herself to you? Because that’s basically what I just did. Or are you making stupid excuses because you’re not over her?”
I hear Ben groan as he puts his face in his hands. Waves of frustration radiate from his body, blasting me with their force. “What the fuck, Cathy? That’s low, even for you. Why do you have to bring up the past?”
“I’m confused, that’s why. I-I thought you liked me. That you wanted me and now, you don’t…is it because of her?”
Silence.
Nothing.
Ben doesn’t say anything.
He just looks at me.
His silence hurts.
His silence is majorly pissing me off.
“Well, I wanted to know, didn’t I? I guess I have my answer.”
Frustration is written in the frowning lines of Ben’s face, his set jaw and the way he’s tugging his hair. When he’s about to speak, someone opens my door and interrupts our first fight.
And maybe our last.
Cool air hits me in the face, filling the warm interior of the car with a cold breeze. Ben and I turn to look at the person who rudely interrupted us mid argument. My eyes meet a pair of blue eyes on the face of a gorgeous guy. He has shaggy brown hair and some freckles on the crest of his nose, full lips, and a cleft on his chin.
