As Hot as It Gets
Page 79
“Mia feels bad too,” he said roughly. “You don’t know her well, but trust me when I tell you that she’s not the kind of woman who goes around wailin’ on folks.”
Shane let out a low laugh. “A wee lil’ thing like her? I doubt she’s ever thrown a punch in her life. C’mon, why don’t we go ’round back?”
Beers in hand, the brothers rounded the side of the cabin and settled in a pair of rustic Adirondack chairs on the gravel patio. Jackson noticed that Shane and Tiff had made a lot of changes to the sprawling land behind the cabin—a large wooden gazebo stood on what had once been an empty stretch of grass, and natural flagstone paths now wound through newly planted flowerbeds and stone planters overflowing with greenery.
“Mom’s been helpin’ Tiff in the garden,” Shane said quietly.
“That’s nice of her.”
“Yeah, it is. Tiff really appreciates it.” Shane paused, regret flashing on his face. “Mom’s never forgiven her for what she did to you, but they’re slowly rebuilding their relationship. I’m hopin’ one day they can be close again.”
Jackson twisted open his bottle and took a long sip, hoping the cold beer would succeed in easing his rising agitation.
“I never forced myself on her, Shane.”
His brother jerked as if he’d been struck.
“Never,” Jackson repeated, his throat so tight it hurt.
“I…” Shane’s expression swam with shame. “I know that.”
Surprise jolted through him. “You do?”
“’Course I do. You’re not that kinda man, Jackie. Never have been, never will be.”
“Then why…” He took another hasty sip. “Why did you follow me into the barn that day? Why did you…”
“Beat my lil’ brother senseless?” Shane’s voice cracked. “Because I didn’t take a moment to think. I reacted, pure ’n simple. I loved Tiff, loved her so f**kin’ much, and the thought of anyone hurtin’ her made me crazy. I snapped. Think I might’ve even blacked out, Jackie. One minute I was walkin’ toward that barn, the next I was being pulled off your bloody, broken body.”
The horror on Shane’s face was impossible to miss, and when he went on, his voice shook so hard he was nearly stuttering. “I couldn’t believe what I’d done to you. I was so f**kin’ ashamed of myself, and still am. When I saw Dad carrying you to the house, reality suddenly came rushin’ back. I knew you couldn’t have done what Tiff accused you of. And I knew I’d never be able to look you in the eye again.”
Jackson’s hand trembled as he set his beer on the ground next to his chair. “You never apologized,” he said hoarsely.
“I didn’t know how,” Shane blurted out. “And not just that. I didn’t wanna tell you I was sorry—so f**kin’ sorry—only to have you deny me the forgiveness I was desperately cravin’. So I didn’t say anything, and eventually shit got so bad between us I didn’t know how to bring it up. I thought that maybe if I ignored it, pretended it never happened, it would just blow over. But it didn’t blow over. It got worse, and then you were gone. You left, and I had no f**kin’ clue how to make you come back. But…fuck, Jackie, I missed you. I missed my lil’ brother and I didn’t know how to deal with that or how to make things better.”
Jackson raked his hand through his hair. “I thought you still believed Tiff’s lie. Even after she came forward and told the truth, I thought you still believed it.”
“Never,” Shane said fiercely.
“Then why…I mean…” Frustration surged in his blood. “Why all the nasty looks? You’ve been eyein’ me these past couple days like you want to throttle me.”
His brother let out a ragged breath. “I know. I…dang it…I was jealous, okay? Every time you come home, Mom and Dad act like the frickin’ messiah has just shown up. And to top it off, this time you brought this amazing girl who instantly earned Mom’s approval, somethin’ my own wife has had to beg for every day for the last eight years.”
As they both went quiet, Jackson listened to the crickets chirping in the distance and the rustling of the trees all around them. He’d never realized how tormented his older brother had been all these years. He’d assumed that Shane hated him, but now he knew that wasn’t the case. His brother had been overwrought with guilt and shame, with envy thrown into the mix, and that made Jackson damn sad.
“I’m sorry.”
Shane’s gruff words hung between them, bringing a lump to Jackson’s throat.
“I’m so sorry, Jackson. For beatin’ you that day, for being too much of a coward to apologize for it, for marryin’ Tiff even though I knew it would cause more friction for the family. I’m sorry for all of it.”
Jackson slowly met his brother’s gaze. “Thank you. I appreciate that.” He stopped, breathing through the pain and sorrow. “I forgive you, Shane.”
His brother made a choked noise. “You do?”
“Yeah, I do.”
Ever so slowly, the tension that had plagued them for so many years seeped away like groundwater soaking into dirt. In that quiet moment of forgiveness, Jackson felt a sense of peace and liberation that lightened his chest and soothed his heart. He’d needed this. Goddamn, he’d needed this.
Shane let out a low laugh. “A wee lil’ thing like her? I doubt she’s ever thrown a punch in her life. C’mon, why don’t we go ’round back?”
Beers in hand, the brothers rounded the side of the cabin and settled in a pair of rustic Adirondack chairs on the gravel patio. Jackson noticed that Shane and Tiff had made a lot of changes to the sprawling land behind the cabin—a large wooden gazebo stood on what had once been an empty stretch of grass, and natural flagstone paths now wound through newly planted flowerbeds and stone planters overflowing with greenery.
“Mom’s been helpin’ Tiff in the garden,” Shane said quietly.
“That’s nice of her.”
“Yeah, it is. Tiff really appreciates it.” Shane paused, regret flashing on his face. “Mom’s never forgiven her for what she did to you, but they’re slowly rebuilding their relationship. I’m hopin’ one day they can be close again.”
Jackson twisted open his bottle and took a long sip, hoping the cold beer would succeed in easing his rising agitation.
“I never forced myself on her, Shane.”
His brother jerked as if he’d been struck.
“Never,” Jackson repeated, his throat so tight it hurt.
“I…” Shane’s expression swam with shame. “I know that.”
Surprise jolted through him. “You do?”
“’Course I do. You’re not that kinda man, Jackie. Never have been, never will be.”
“Then why…” He took another hasty sip. “Why did you follow me into the barn that day? Why did you…”
“Beat my lil’ brother senseless?” Shane’s voice cracked. “Because I didn’t take a moment to think. I reacted, pure ’n simple. I loved Tiff, loved her so f**kin’ much, and the thought of anyone hurtin’ her made me crazy. I snapped. Think I might’ve even blacked out, Jackie. One minute I was walkin’ toward that barn, the next I was being pulled off your bloody, broken body.”
The horror on Shane’s face was impossible to miss, and when he went on, his voice shook so hard he was nearly stuttering. “I couldn’t believe what I’d done to you. I was so f**kin’ ashamed of myself, and still am. When I saw Dad carrying you to the house, reality suddenly came rushin’ back. I knew you couldn’t have done what Tiff accused you of. And I knew I’d never be able to look you in the eye again.”
Jackson’s hand trembled as he set his beer on the ground next to his chair. “You never apologized,” he said hoarsely.
“I didn’t know how,” Shane blurted out. “And not just that. I didn’t wanna tell you I was sorry—so f**kin’ sorry—only to have you deny me the forgiveness I was desperately cravin’. So I didn’t say anything, and eventually shit got so bad between us I didn’t know how to bring it up. I thought that maybe if I ignored it, pretended it never happened, it would just blow over. But it didn’t blow over. It got worse, and then you were gone. You left, and I had no f**kin’ clue how to make you come back. But…fuck, Jackie, I missed you. I missed my lil’ brother and I didn’t know how to deal with that or how to make things better.”
Jackson raked his hand through his hair. “I thought you still believed Tiff’s lie. Even after she came forward and told the truth, I thought you still believed it.”
“Never,” Shane said fiercely.
“Then why…I mean…” Frustration surged in his blood. “Why all the nasty looks? You’ve been eyein’ me these past couple days like you want to throttle me.”
His brother let out a ragged breath. “I know. I…dang it…I was jealous, okay? Every time you come home, Mom and Dad act like the frickin’ messiah has just shown up. And to top it off, this time you brought this amazing girl who instantly earned Mom’s approval, somethin’ my own wife has had to beg for every day for the last eight years.”
As they both went quiet, Jackson listened to the crickets chirping in the distance and the rustling of the trees all around them. He’d never realized how tormented his older brother had been all these years. He’d assumed that Shane hated him, but now he knew that wasn’t the case. His brother had been overwrought with guilt and shame, with envy thrown into the mix, and that made Jackson damn sad.
“I’m sorry.”
Shane’s gruff words hung between them, bringing a lump to Jackson’s throat.
“I’m so sorry, Jackson. For beatin’ you that day, for being too much of a coward to apologize for it, for marryin’ Tiff even though I knew it would cause more friction for the family. I’m sorry for all of it.”
Jackson slowly met his brother’s gaze. “Thank you. I appreciate that.” He stopped, breathing through the pain and sorrow. “I forgive you, Shane.”
His brother made a choked noise. “You do?”
“Yeah, I do.”
Ever so slowly, the tension that had plagued them for so many years seeped away like groundwater soaking into dirt. In that quiet moment of forgiveness, Jackson felt a sense of peace and liberation that lightened his chest and soothed his heart. He’d needed this. Goddamn, he’d needed this.
