Asa
Page 50
“I worry about him all the time still.” The corner of her mouth tilted up in a grin. “Every single day I have to fight with myself not to call and check up on him. Leaving him here just when things were starting to fall in place for him was one of the hardest things I have ever done.”
I cleared my throat a little and shifted on the chair. “He seems pretty adept at taking care of himself, and one of his biggest fears is that he’s going to disappoint you again, so it keeps him on the straight and narrow.”
She puffed out a breath and her bangs fluttered over her winged brows. “He’s a survivor for sure, but there is a difference between merely getting by and living the life you’re supposed to live. I had no idea how love was supposed to look or feel until I met Jet. I wasn’t living a full life until he gave me the strength to let go of everything else.”
Her eyes flared hot, gold just like Asa’s did when he was excited about something. I was a tiny bit jealous that just saying her man’s name had that effect on her.
“I want Asa to do more than survive, Royal. I want him to finally be happy for once in his life. I want him to do more than just get by. I want him to have something that is his and his alone that he doesn’t ever feel like he has to fight for.”
I gulped a little bit as emotion started to clog my throat. I set my almost empty beer down on the table in front of me and twisted my fingers together. “He has all of that within his grasp, but his hands are too busy holding on to the past and reaching for the future to grab on to it.”
She opened her mouth and then snapped it closed as she leaned back in her chair. She crossed her arms over her chest, covering up the Valkyrie straddling a flaming guitar and the word ENMITY as she did so. The shirt with the ripped-off sleeves that showed the sides of her black bra seemed out of place with her pointy red cowboy boots, but it was Ayden, so she rocked it and looked perfect doing so.
She shook her dark head. “I know he is. I was hoping that since he can’t stop staring at you, and keeps looking at me like he wants to drop-kick me across the bar, maybe you had convinced him to let some of that go. We can’t go back in time and we can’t predict the future. He’s living in suspended animation.”
I shifted again as the jukebox switched to an old Christina Aguilera song, which had several middle-aged ladies climbing up from the table they were sharing and doing some serious booty shaking. It made me grin even though the topic of conversation wasn’t exactly cheerful.
“Every once in a while he puts it all away, and every now and again I feel like he’s reaching for a lifeline to stop himself from sinking. It gives me enough hope that I’m willing to stick around and see how it all plays out.”
She ran her finger around the rim of her shot glass and licked the salt off. “What are you going to do if you ever have to lock him up again? He’s a trouble magnet. Even when he’s trying to keep his nose clean.”
I sighed and shoved my hands through the front of my hair. “I keep telling myself I’ll cross that bridge if I ever come to it.” I leaned closer to her when the dancing women moved a little closer and their laughter got loud enough that I had to talk over it. “Did you know he was willing to do time, to sit in jail for a crime he didn’t even commit because he’s so twisted up on the inside about everything that happened before? How can someone even function with that kind of guilt filling them up?”
My voice caught and I let out a shuddering breath. I started a little when Ayden’s hand reached out and landed on top of the fists I hadn’t even been aware I was making. I mean I knew about guilt and the way it could affect a person’s thinking. My own guilt had kept me away from Dom when he needed me most, but I let it go when I realized it was poisoning everything in my life. I would always feel bad for what happened that night in the alley and I would never get over seeing Dom fall, but it couldn’t be the only moment that defined my life or my career. I needed Asa to realize everything he was missing by refusing to let go.
Ayden’s fingers squeezed mine, and I had to squeeze back because she was the only other person alive that could understand how hard caring for a man like Asa could be.
“That’s why I worry. All he’s done since I brought him to Denver is function. Nothing more and nothing less. That’s no way to live. But now he watches you like you matter, like he’s worried I’m going to scare you off with all the stories of his past misdeeds. So I have hope, a thin, tiny thread of hope that there is finally something out there in the world that he’s going to realize he has to wake up and live for.”
I looked over my shoulder toward the bar. He was leaning against the top and talking to a really good-looking man that had a dark beard and colorful tattoos scrolling up the side of his neck. Asa was obviously deep in conversation with the guy, but his eyes were locking on our table and I could tell he was watching me and Ayden intently. I gave him a little grin to let him know everyone was going to make it out alive and I saw his shoulders fall a little as a bit of the tension left him. I turned back to Ayden and tilted my chin up in a defiant manner.
“I want to wake him up.”
She laughed, a warm and rough sound that matched her whiskey-tinted gaze. “Atta girl.”
Suddenly Cora stood up from the other side of the table and clapped her hands together. It was amazing that just a few extra weeks had led to her looking actually pregnant in other places than her boobs. Her face had rounded out a little and her tiny midsection had the barest hint of an actual baby belly starting to show. She was probably the cutest, most rock-and-roll expectant mom in the world and I didn’t miss the way Salem stared at that little bump with open envy.
“We should dance.” She hooked a thumb over her shoulder to where the older ladies were still getting their groove on in an uncoordinated and messy show of undiluted joy. “That’s going to be us one day, ladies. Escaping the men and children at home so we can have a night out to ourselves.” She laughed. “Granted we’ll be more colorful and have better haircuts, but that’s so going to be us.”
Sayer held up her hands and rose to her feet. She was ridiculously classy and looked like she had just left the courtroom. “Sorry, but I don’t dance, ever.” She pushed some of her perfectly sleek blond hair over her shoulder and looked at the bar. Something in her blue gaze shifted and at first I thought she was looking at Asa, which made me scowl, but when I turned around I noticed the bear of a man at the bar had shifted in his seat and the two of them were locked in an unwavering stare-off. “Um, I’m just going to go tell Zeb hi really fast.”
I cleared my throat a little and shifted on the chair. “He seems pretty adept at taking care of himself, and one of his biggest fears is that he’s going to disappoint you again, so it keeps him on the straight and narrow.”
She puffed out a breath and her bangs fluttered over her winged brows. “He’s a survivor for sure, but there is a difference between merely getting by and living the life you’re supposed to live. I had no idea how love was supposed to look or feel until I met Jet. I wasn’t living a full life until he gave me the strength to let go of everything else.”
Her eyes flared hot, gold just like Asa’s did when he was excited about something. I was a tiny bit jealous that just saying her man’s name had that effect on her.
“I want Asa to do more than survive, Royal. I want him to finally be happy for once in his life. I want him to do more than just get by. I want him to have something that is his and his alone that he doesn’t ever feel like he has to fight for.”
I gulped a little bit as emotion started to clog my throat. I set my almost empty beer down on the table in front of me and twisted my fingers together. “He has all of that within his grasp, but his hands are too busy holding on to the past and reaching for the future to grab on to it.”
She opened her mouth and then snapped it closed as she leaned back in her chair. She crossed her arms over her chest, covering up the Valkyrie straddling a flaming guitar and the word ENMITY as she did so. The shirt with the ripped-off sleeves that showed the sides of her black bra seemed out of place with her pointy red cowboy boots, but it was Ayden, so she rocked it and looked perfect doing so.
She shook her dark head. “I know he is. I was hoping that since he can’t stop staring at you, and keeps looking at me like he wants to drop-kick me across the bar, maybe you had convinced him to let some of that go. We can’t go back in time and we can’t predict the future. He’s living in suspended animation.”
I shifted again as the jukebox switched to an old Christina Aguilera song, which had several middle-aged ladies climbing up from the table they were sharing and doing some serious booty shaking. It made me grin even though the topic of conversation wasn’t exactly cheerful.
“Every once in a while he puts it all away, and every now and again I feel like he’s reaching for a lifeline to stop himself from sinking. It gives me enough hope that I’m willing to stick around and see how it all plays out.”
She ran her finger around the rim of her shot glass and licked the salt off. “What are you going to do if you ever have to lock him up again? He’s a trouble magnet. Even when he’s trying to keep his nose clean.”
I sighed and shoved my hands through the front of my hair. “I keep telling myself I’ll cross that bridge if I ever come to it.” I leaned closer to her when the dancing women moved a little closer and their laughter got loud enough that I had to talk over it. “Did you know he was willing to do time, to sit in jail for a crime he didn’t even commit because he’s so twisted up on the inside about everything that happened before? How can someone even function with that kind of guilt filling them up?”
My voice caught and I let out a shuddering breath. I started a little when Ayden’s hand reached out and landed on top of the fists I hadn’t even been aware I was making. I mean I knew about guilt and the way it could affect a person’s thinking. My own guilt had kept me away from Dom when he needed me most, but I let it go when I realized it was poisoning everything in my life. I would always feel bad for what happened that night in the alley and I would never get over seeing Dom fall, but it couldn’t be the only moment that defined my life or my career. I needed Asa to realize everything he was missing by refusing to let go.
Ayden’s fingers squeezed mine, and I had to squeeze back because she was the only other person alive that could understand how hard caring for a man like Asa could be.
“That’s why I worry. All he’s done since I brought him to Denver is function. Nothing more and nothing less. That’s no way to live. But now he watches you like you matter, like he’s worried I’m going to scare you off with all the stories of his past misdeeds. So I have hope, a thin, tiny thread of hope that there is finally something out there in the world that he’s going to realize he has to wake up and live for.”
I looked over my shoulder toward the bar. He was leaning against the top and talking to a really good-looking man that had a dark beard and colorful tattoos scrolling up the side of his neck. Asa was obviously deep in conversation with the guy, but his eyes were locking on our table and I could tell he was watching me and Ayden intently. I gave him a little grin to let him know everyone was going to make it out alive and I saw his shoulders fall a little as a bit of the tension left him. I turned back to Ayden and tilted my chin up in a defiant manner.
“I want to wake him up.”
She laughed, a warm and rough sound that matched her whiskey-tinted gaze. “Atta girl.”
Suddenly Cora stood up from the other side of the table and clapped her hands together. It was amazing that just a few extra weeks had led to her looking actually pregnant in other places than her boobs. Her face had rounded out a little and her tiny midsection had the barest hint of an actual baby belly starting to show. She was probably the cutest, most rock-and-roll expectant mom in the world and I didn’t miss the way Salem stared at that little bump with open envy.
“We should dance.” She hooked a thumb over her shoulder to where the older ladies were still getting their groove on in an uncoordinated and messy show of undiluted joy. “That’s going to be us one day, ladies. Escaping the men and children at home so we can have a night out to ourselves.” She laughed. “Granted we’ll be more colorful and have better haircuts, but that’s so going to be us.”
Sayer held up her hands and rose to her feet. She was ridiculously classy and looked like she had just left the courtroom. “Sorry, but I don’t dance, ever.” She pushed some of her perfectly sleek blond hair over her shoulder and looked at the bar. Something in her blue gaze shifted and at first I thought she was looking at Asa, which made me scowl, but when I turned around I noticed the bear of a man at the bar had shifted in his seat and the two of them were locked in an unwavering stare-off. “Um, I’m just going to go tell Zeb hi really fast.”
