Asa
Page 60
“I hope you figure your shit out, lover boy. Royal deserves someone that can stand by her and appreciates her for all the amazing things she brings to the table. I don’t know how on earth that person managed to be an ex-con with a twang, but stranger things have happened.”
I ran my hands over my face as my heart throbbed painfully in my chest. There was no figuring my shit out, and that’s what made the situation seem impossible. I called out to Dom as he finally made his way to the door, “Take care of her.”
He looked over his shoulder at me with a scowl. “I always have.” With that closing salvo he exited the bar and left me feeling even worse than I already was.
I got another visitor at the end of what I swore was the longest week of my life. I just wanted to tell everyone to leave me alone, to shut the world out and mourn for the loss of something I was sure was going to stick with me forever. It was the day after the first night Royal hadn’t called, so I was already keyed up and furious at myself and at the circumstances. I had never bemoaned all the crappy things that seemed to find their way to my doorstep, never minded that I had some penance to pay, but this sacrifice felt like it might be what finally took me out, what might make me drown.
I was just a shell. Just a hollow husk of a man going through the motions of the day-to-day because that was what was expected of me. I no longer had to worry or agonize over the good or the bad because there was nothing there. I felt like without her, without her light and her spark, there wasn’t this moment or any moment. I was just stuck in neutral while everything carried on and progressed around me.
She came in at the start of my shift. She had on dark sunglasses and a big ol’ floppy hat like she didn’t want to be recognized by anyone. It was a little late for that. Royal’s mother, the woman that had offered to pay me for sex, sat down at the bar and took off her dark glasses so that she was looking at me with wide, terror-filled eyes. Now that I had seen the two of them together, I couldn’t believe that I had missed the resemblance. Other than the different-colored hair, Royal was the spitting image of the stunning older woman.
Roslyn cleared her throat delicately and laid her hands on the bar top like she needed something solid to hold her in this reality.
“I had no idea you were seeing Royal when I started coming in here. She told me about the Bar, told me it was fun and that a lot of attractive young men hung out here. She never mentioned you specifically or the fact that she was seeing anyone that worked here.” That still wasn’t an excuse for the proposition she had laid at my feet. It didn’t matter if I was involved with her daughter or not. Now that I had walked away, done the clearly right thing for once in my life with no questions hounding me about my choice, I could see the far-reaching ramifications of that decision as Royal’s mother fidgeted nervously in front of me.
I had walked away, but what purpose did that serve if this woman was free to continue to act so irresponsibly with no accountability. Royal would end up hurt anyway, and my sacrifice would be for naught.
I ignored Roslyn and went to fill an order for one of the regulars. Dixie was watching me with careful eyes and I waved her off to let her know I was okay. I needed a second to get a game plan together, a second to pull a few old tricks out of my manipulative hat. I was actually surprised it had taken Roslyn this long to find her way back to the Bar. I held her entire relationship with her daughter in the palm of my hand and she had to know that. If I had been her, this would’ve been my first stop weeks ago. Maybe if I hadn’t been wallowing in my own loss and my own heartache and just generally feeling sorry for myself, I would have gone to her first. The last thing I wanted to do was give up the only woman I ever wanted for my own to have her careless mother hurt her when I wasn’t around to make it better for her.
I found my way back to where Royal’s mother was sitting after fifteen minutes of purposely making her sweat. When I reached her I braced my hands on the bar and leaned over so that when I spoke it was low and meant only for her to hear.
“The fact that you didn’t know about me and Royal doesn’t excuse your behavior. You offered me money to take you to bed. Regardless if I was already sleeping with your daughter or not, those kinds of risks are foolish and unnecessary. Put your child ahead of yourself. Put your own well-being above your incessant need for attention from the opposite sex. Even if it wasn’t me, how do you think Royal would feel if she found out that’s what you were out there doing? Offering strange men money for sex is incredibly risky. You have no idea the devastation I could have brought into your life if I had accepted an offer like that a few years ago. And your daughter’s a cop, for God’s sake. It could ruin her professionally as well as personally. Did you ever stop to think about that?”
Roslyn recoiled and she started to twist her hands together. “I have never purposely hurt Royal.”
I snorted and pushed off the bar. “Exactly. It might not be on purpose, but your selfish and reckless actions do hurt her and have done so even before now. Do you think she likes watching you jump from man to man? Do you think she likes that your loneliness makes you act foolish and thoughtless? Do you think she likes worrying about you and what you’re out there doing because you can’t manage to take care of yourself? You’re lucky to have her and you’ve never appreciated the fact.”
She narrowed her eyes a little at me. “Are you going to tell me you appreciated her while you had her, Asa?”
I lifted a shoulder and let it fall. “I was learning to. I knew from the first minute that I saw her that she was special, that she was too good for me, so I knew I had to take advantage of every single second I had with her.”
“Are you in love with my daughter?” It came out as a whisper, and she was the only person that had asked me the question that I was going to give an answer to.
“Yes, I am.” And surprisingly, being able to say it was what finally woke me up. Ayden was right. I had been sleepwalking, and allowing myself to love Royal enough to let her go was what had jolted me awake. Only being awake when all I was doing was hurting sucked ass, and I could have totally done without the heartache. Being numb did have its benefits, but I knew I could never go back to that place. The past had to stay behind me. The future had to play out however it was going to play out, and I needed to focus on everything I had right in front of me, right now.
She put a hand to her throat much like she had done at dinner and blinked at me. “So what happens now?”
I ran my hands over my face as my heart throbbed painfully in my chest. There was no figuring my shit out, and that’s what made the situation seem impossible. I called out to Dom as he finally made his way to the door, “Take care of her.”
He looked over his shoulder at me with a scowl. “I always have.” With that closing salvo he exited the bar and left me feeling even worse than I already was.
I got another visitor at the end of what I swore was the longest week of my life. I just wanted to tell everyone to leave me alone, to shut the world out and mourn for the loss of something I was sure was going to stick with me forever. It was the day after the first night Royal hadn’t called, so I was already keyed up and furious at myself and at the circumstances. I had never bemoaned all the crappy things that seemed to find their way to my doorstep, never minded that I had some penance to pay, but this sacrifice felt like it might be what finally took me out, what might make me drown.
I was just a shell. Just a hollow husk of a man going through the motions of the day-to-day because that was what was expected of me. I no longer had to worry or agonize over the good or the bad because there was nothing there. I felt like without her, without her light and her spark, there wasn’t this moment or any moment. I was just stuck in neutral while everything carried on and progressed around me.
She came in at the start of my shift. She had on dark sunglasses and a big ol’ floppy hat like she didn’t want to be recognized by anyone. It was a little late for that. Royal’s mother, the woman that had offered to pay me for sex, sat down at the bar and took off her dark glasses so that she was looking at me with wide, terror-filled eyes. Now that I had seen the two of them together, I couldn’t believe that I had missed the resemblance. Other than the different-colored hair, Royal was the spitting image of the stunning older woman.
Roslyn cleared her throat delicately and laid her hands on the bar top like she needed something solid to hold her in this reality.
“I had no idea you were seeing Royal when I started coming in here. She told me about the Bar, told me it was fun and that a lot of attractive young men hung out here. She never mentioned you specifically or the fact that she was seeing anyone that worked here.” That still wasn’t an excuse for the proposition she had laid at my feet. It didn’t matter if I was involved with her daughter or not. Now that I had walked away, done the clearly right thing for once in my life with no questions hounding me about my choice, I could see the far-reaching ramifications of that decision as Royal’s mother fidgeted nervously in front of me.
I had walked away, but what purpose did that serve if this woman was free to continue to act so irresponsibly with no accountability. Royal would end up hurt anyway, and my sacrifice would be for naught.
I ignored Roslyn and went to fill an order for one of the regulars. Dixie was watching me with careful eyes and I waved her off to let her know I was okay. I needed a second to get a game plan together, a second to pull a few old tricks out of my manipulative hat. I was actually surprised it had taken Roslyn this long to find her way back to the Bar. I held her entire relationship with her daughter in the palm of my hand and she had to know that. If I had been her, this would’ve been my first stop weeks ago. Maybe if I hadn’t been wallowing in my own loss and my own heartache and just generally feeling sorry for myself, I would have gone to her first. The last thing I wanted to do was give up the only woman I ever wanted for my own to have her careless mother hurt her when I wasn’t around to make it better for her.
I found my way back to where Royal’s mother was sitting after fifteen minutes of purposely making her sweat. When I reached her I braced my hands on the bar and leaned over so that when I spoke it was low and meant only for her to hear.
“The fact that you didn’t know about me and Royal doesn’t excuse your behavior. You offered me money to take you to bed. Regardless if I was already sleeping with your daughter or not, those kinds of risks are foolish and unnecessary. Put your child ahead of yourself. Put your own well-being above your incessant need for attention from the opposite sex. Even if it wasn’t me, how do you think Royal would feel if she found out that’s what you were out there doing? Offering strange men money for sex is incredibly risky. You have no idea the devastation I could have brought into your life if I had accepted an offer like that a few years ago. And your daughter’s a cop, for God’s sake. It could ruin her professionally as well as personally. Did you ever stop to think about that?”
Roslyn recoiled and she started to twist her hands together. “I have never purposely hurt Royal.”
I snorted and pushed off the bar. “Exactly. It might not be on purpose, but your selfish and reckless actions do hurt her and have done so even before now. Do you think she likes watching you jump from man to man? Do you think she likes that your loneliness makes you act foolish and thoughtless? Do you think she likes worrying about you and what you’re out there doing because you can’t manage to take care of yourself? You’re lucky to have her and you’ve never appreciated the fact.”
She narrowed her eyes a little at me. “Are you going to tell me you appreciated her while you had her, Asa?”
I lifted a shoulder and let it fall. “I was learning to. I knew from the first minute that I saw her that she was special, that she was too good for me, so I knew I had to take advantage of every single second I had with her.”
“Are you in love with my daughter?” It came out as a whisper, and she was the only person that had asked me the question that I was going to give an answer to.
“Yes, I am.” And surprisingly, being able to say it was what finally woke me up. Ayden was right. I had been sleepwalking, and allowing myself to love Royal enough to let her go was what had jolted me awake. Only being awake when all I was doing was hurting sucked ass, and I could have totally done without the heartache. Being numb did have its benefits, but I knew I could never go back to that place. The past had to stay behind me. The future had to play out however it was going to play out, and I needed to focus on everything I had right in front of me, right now.
She put a hand to her throat much like she had done at dinner and blinked at me. “So what happens now?”
