Ashes to Ashes
Page 32
“Yes, it was on my dresser.”
My mom looks confused, and then Daddy says, “You look beautiful, honey. Just like your mom.”
“Thanks, Daddy,” I say.
When the adults are talking about one of the vacations up for silent auction, I whisper to Alex, “I came here to talk to you.”
“Then you should probably go.” Alex pushes his chair out and stands up. “Does anybody want anything from the bar?” Celeste gives him a reproving look, and he holds up his hands and says, “I’m getting a Sprite.”
Alex disappears, and he doesn’t come back until dessert. I’ve got a spoonful of cranberry gelato halfway to my mouth when Celeste says delightedly, “The band’s started playing music again! Alex, ask Lil to dance.”
I nearly choke. But it’s the perfect thing. “I’d love to dance.”
“No, thanks,” Alex says, taking a sip of his drink. Whatever it is, it definitely isn’t just Sprite.
Celeste narrows her eyes at him. “Alex Lind!”
Celeste keeps harassing him, and then his dad joins in, and my dad says, “Don’t force the guy.”
At this, Alex finally stands up without looking at me. “Do you want to dance?” He says it like it’s the last thing he wants to do. I’m red-faced as I follow him out to the dance floor. Stiffly he takes my right hand, and I put my other hand on his shoulder, and we don’t look at each other at all. We both look straight ahead. Halfway through the song I know time is running out, and I start practicing in my head what I’m going to say. I care about you so much. You’ve always been such a good friend to me. . . . No, that’s not right. You’re one of my best friends—
“Reeve’s going to hurt you. That’s the kind of guy he is. But maybe you know that already.” I start to pull away from him, so I can see his face, but Alex holds me still. “I want you to know one thing.”
My heart beats painfully hard inside my chest. “What?”
“When he breaks your heart, I won’t be there waiting. I’m done.” And then the song is over, and Alex lets go of me and walks away.
* * *
I make some excuse as to why I have to leave, but I can’t remember what I tell my parents and the Linds. And I don’t wait for permission. I just mumble something, grab my clutch, and go.
My hands shake the whole ride home. Once I’m in my driveway, I don’t get out of the car right away. I’m lost in that moment, hearing Alex’s voice. When he breaks your heart, I won’t be there waiting. I’m done.
I’ve wanted to have it both ways. Both boys. I’ve never told Alex no, not really. Because I like the way he makes me feel. Because . . . maybe I do have some feelings for him. Maybe that’s why this has been hurting me so bad. It’s why I don’t care about Ash or PJ or anybody else being mad at me. Because none of that’s important compared to the thought of Alex hating me.
I’m finally getting out of the car when headlights shine behind me. I turn around, thinking it’s my parents coming home early. But it’s not. It’s Reeve.
He shuts off the engine and jumps out of the truck, holding a plastic bag. He stops short when he sees me. In my dress, with my red lipstick and my hair done up. He frowns in confusion. “Why are you all dressed up?”
I step toward him, and then I falter. “I—I went to that Preservation Society benefit tonight.”
“I thought you said you didn’t feel well.” Realization is dawning over his face. Realization and hurt. He holds out the bag to me, which I take. I open it, and there are candy bars inside.
“I’m sorry,” I say, wringing the bag in my hands. “I should have told you I was going. I just—I wanted a chance to talk to Alex alone.”
“You mean without me around.”
“No. I mean, maybe.” I bite my lip. “Alex is really important to me—”
Incredulously, Reeve says, “More important than me?”
“Of course not!”
“Then what the f**k, Cho! You lied to me so you could go to some party with him?” He’s panicky. Pacing.
“I just wanted to talk to him, to try to explain—”
Reeve shakes his head. “So now what, you two are buddy-buddy again?”
“No.”
“But you wish you were.”
“Reeve, just because you and I are together, that doesn’t mean I’m cutting him out of my life.” I swallow hard. Not that it matters anymore, because he’s already cut me out of his.
“Well, what did he say?” He’s suddenly quiet. Nervous.
“Nothing.”
He takes a step toward me. “Tell me, Cho. He had to have said something.”
“Reeve, I . . .” I struggle for what to say. Should I be honest and tell him the terrible things Alex said about him? Every second that passes, Reeve looks like he crumbles. And then I realize he’s afraid I’m going to break up with him. “I want to be with you, okay?”
Reeve’s face clears, and he grabs me and hugs me so tight. Reeve is the one I am with. And if this is really going to work with us, I need to set these feelings for Alex aside for good. I have to let him go, because he’s already let go of me.
Good-bye, Lindy.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
KAT
I TEXT LILLIA TO SEE if she wants to hang out, and she suggests Scoops. When I get there, she’s sitting at a table waiting for me. She waves me over like mad even though I can clearly see her.
“What kind of ice cream do you want?” she asks. “My treat.”
I raise my eyebrow. Why does she want to treat me? Whatevs. I’m not passing up free ice cream. “Sweet. I’ll take a scoop of Moose Tracks and a scoop of mint chip.”
“You got it.” Lillia jumps up and goes to place the order. I look at my phone until she comes back.
When she sits back down, she has three cups of ice cream. “Whoa, Lil. I know I’m a pig, but I can’t eat all that by myself.”
“It’s not just for us,” she says. Sucking in her breath, she says, “Don’t be mad, but I invited Reeve to meet us here.”
“Lil,” I whine. It’s one thing if Lil wants to be with Reeve, but I don’t see why I should have to waste an afternoon with the kid.
“You know, I was talking about you the other day, and Reeve was like, ‘We should hang out with Kat more often! She’s really cool!’?”
My mom looks confused, and then Daddy says, “You look beautiful, honey. Just like your mom.”
“Thanks, Daddy,” I say.
When the adults are talking about one of the vacations up for silent auction, I whisper to Alex, “I came here to talk to you.”
“Then you should probably go.” Alex pushes his chair out and stands up. “Does anybody want anything from the bar?” Celeste gives him a reproving look, and he holds up his hands and says, “I’m getting a Sprite.”
Alex disappears, and he doesn’t come back until dessert. I’ve got a spoonful of cranberry gelato halfway to my mouth when Celeste says delightedly, “The band’s started playing music again! Alex, ask Lil to dance.”
I nearly choke. But it’s the perfect thing. “I’d love to dance.”
“No, thanks,” Alex says, taking a sip of his drink. Whatever it is, it definitely isn’t just Sprite.
Celeste narrows her eyes at him. “Alex Lind!”
Celeste keeps harassing him, and then his dad joins in, and my dad says, “Don’t force the guy.”
At this, Alex finally stands up without looking at me. “Do you want to dance?” He says it like it’s the last thing he wants to do. I’m red-faced as I follow him out to the dance floor. Stiffly he takes my right hand, and I put my other hand on his shoulder, and we don’t look at each other at all. We both look straight ahead. Halfway through the song I know time is running out, and I start practicing in my head what I’m going to say. I care about you so much. You’ve always been such a good friend to me. . . . No, that’s not right. You’re one of my best friends—
“Reeve’s going to hurt you. That’s the kind of guy he is. But maybe you know that already.” I start to pull away from him, so I can see his face, but Alex holds me still. “I want you to know one thing.”
My heart beats painfully hard inside my chest. “What?”
“When he breaks your heart, I won’t be there waiting. I’m done.” And then the song is over, and Alex lets go of me and walks away.
* * *
I make some excuse as to why I have to leave, but I can’t remember what I tell my parents and the Linds. And I don’t wait for permission. I just mumble something, grab my clutch, and go.
My hands shake the whole ride home. Once I’m in my driveway, I don’t get out of the car right away. I’m lost in that moment, hearing Alex’s voice. When he breaks your heart, I won’t be there waiting. I’m done.
I’ve wanted to have it both ways. Both boys. I’ve never told Alex no, not really. Because I like the way he makes me feel. Because . . . maybe I do have some feelings for him. Maybe that’s why this has been hurting me so bad. It’s why I don’t care about Ash or PJ or anybody else being mad at me. Because none of that’s important compared to the thought of Alex hating me.
I’m finally getting out of the car when headlights shine behind me. I turn around, thinking it’s my parents coming home early. But it’s not. It’s Reeve.
He shuts off the engine and jumps out of the truck, holding a plastic bag. He stops short when he sees me. In my dress, with my red lipstick and my hair done up. He frowns in confusion. “Why are you all dressed up?”
I step toward him, and then I falter. “I—I went to that Preservation Society benefit tonight.”
“I thought you said you didn’t feel well.” Realization is dawning over his face. Realization and hurt. He holds out the bag to me, which I take. I open it, and there are candy bars inside.
“I’m sorry,” I say, wringing the bag in my hands. “I should have told you I was going. I just—I wanted a chance to talk to Alex alone.”
“You mean without me around.”
“No. I mean, maybe.” I bite my lip. “Alex is really important to me—”
Incredulously, Reeve says, “More important than me?”
“Of course not!”
“Then what the f**k, Cho! You lied to me so you could go to some party with him?” He’s panicky. Pacing.
“I just wanted to talk to him, to try to explain—”
Reeve shakes his head. “So now what, you two are buddy-buddy again?”
“No.”
“But you wish you were.”
“Reeve, just because you and I are together, that doesn’t mean I’m cutting him out of my life.” I swallow hard. Not that it matters anymore, because he’s already cut me out of his.
“Well, what did he say?” He’s suddenly quiet. Nervous.
“Nothing.”
He takes a step toward me. “Tell me, Cho. He had to have said something.”
“Reeve, I . . .” I struggle for what to say. Should I be honest and tell him the terrible things Alex said about him? Every second that passes, Reeve looks like he crumbles. And then I realize he’s afraid I’m going to break up with him. “I want to be with you, okay?”
Reeve’s face clears, and he grabs me and hugs me so tight. Reeve is the one I am with. And if this is really going to work with us, I need to set these feelings for Alex aside for good. I have to let him go, because he’s already let go of me.
Good-bye, Lindy.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
KAT
I TEXT LILLIA TO SEE if she wants to hang out, and she suggests Scoops. When I get there, she’s sitting at a table waiting for me. She waves me over like mad even though I can clearly see her.
“What kind of ice cream do you want?” she asks. “My treat.”
I raise my eyebrow. Why does she want to treat me? Whatevs. I’m not passing up free ice cream. “Sweet. I’ll take a scoop of Moose Tracks and a scoop of mint chip.”
“You got it.” Lillia jumps up and goes to place the order. I look at my phone until she comes back.
When she sits back down, she has three cups of ice cream. “Whoa, Lil. I know I’m a pig, but I can’t eat all that by myself.”
“It’s not just for us,” she says. Sucking in her breath, she says, “Don’t be mad, but I invited Reeve to meet us here.”
“Lil,” I whine. It’s one thing if Lil wants to be with Reeve, but I don’t see why I should have to waste an afternoon with the kid.
“You know, I was talking about you the other day, and Reeve was like, ‘We should hang out with Kat more often! She’s really cool!’?”
