Ashes to Ashes
Page 42
“Reeve, I’m fine! You’re the one who almost drowned.” I just want to get out of here.
Reeve starts up the truck. “Where are we going? Your house?”
Suddenly my home, my room, doesn’t exactly feel safe. I spot the ring of keys in his console. “Take me to one of your dad’s rentals,” I say, and I grab his hand and don’t let go.
* * *
We drive to the other side of the island, to Canobie Bluffs. It’s starting to rain, and Reeve is driving one-handed because I won’t let go of his other hand. I keep twisting in my seat, looking out the back, to the side, every direction. I don’t know what I’m looking for.
Yes, I do. Mary. I keep expecting to see Mary, even though I know she isn’t here, and it was only a dream, and there’s no way she had anything to do with what happened at the pool. But still. I’m afraid. More than afraid. I’m terrified.
We drive down an empty-looking street, all vacant rental properties with signs out front. Reeve pulls into the driveway of a gray Cape Cod cottage that faces the water. He has a grimace on his face. “Let’s get you inside where you can warm up and dry off.”
I look out the window. “Park the car in the garage.”
Reeve obeys. We get out of the truck and walk into the house. It’s dark. Reeve starts turning on lights, and I pull all the curtains closed. He goes over to the fireplace and starts stacking logs. “Go dry off. I’ll have a fire going in no time.”
I don’t want to let him out of my sight, so I just take off my wet sweatshirt and wrap myself in the throw from the couch.
After the fire’s going, he sits down on the couch next to me. He starts drying my hair with the edge of the blanket. “I don’t want you to catch a cold,” he says, with so much tenderness I start to cry again.
I have to tell him. About Mary, about the revenge, about everything. I open my mouth, but nothing comes out. Just a sob.
“I’m fine,” he says. “I’m fine.” Reeve wipes my eyes with his sleeve.
Sniffling, I say, “You always take such good care of me, Reeve.” Why can’t Mary see how good he is? He’s not the monster she makes him out to be.
He takes off his sweatshirt. “Put this on.”
I push it away and start kissing him. His cheeks are cool to the touch. I could have lost him today. That’s what I keep thinking. And once I tell him what we did, what I did, I’ll lose him for good. There’s no way he’ll still love me once he knows the truth. What we have now, it will be over. Because it’s not just the drugs—that part he knows about, even if he’s never let me say the actual words out loud. It’s not just that I’m responsible for him losing his football scholarships and not finishing out the season. It’s the fact that the only reason I went after him in the first place was to pull a prank on him. And that all this time I’ve known his worst, darkest, most horrible secret, the secret he’s guarded so carefully.
I lean back against the couch so that I’m lying down, and I pull him with me. “I love you so much,” I tell him, over and over. I run my hands over his back, down his spine. His back muscles flex against my hands. I feel frenzied with wanting him near. Proof he’s here with me. I keep pulling him closer, closer. Our arms and legs are entwined, and we’re both breathing hard.
“Lil,” he groans. He tries to push away from me and sit up, but I won’t let him. I cling more tightly.
I whisper, “Don’t stop.”
“Let’s take a break for a second.”
I shake my head. “I don’t want to take a break.” This could be it for us. Once I tell him the truth, who knows what will happen next.
“Are you—are you sure?”
“Yes.”
I push the blanket away, and it drops to the floor. His head jerks up. “Wait—are you sure sure? Because I don’t want to do anything if you’re not sure. You’re still upset from what happened at the pool.”
I reach up and smooth his damp hair. “I’ve never been surer about anything in my life,” I tell him. “Do you have—do you have a condom?”
He hesitates and then says, “There might be some in my truck. I’ve put them in there before because my mom cleans my room and sometimes she snoops in my drawers. But sometimes Tommy uses my truck too. I definitely wasn’t assuming that you and I—I mean, they’re from before—” His face is reddening, and he’s starting to stutter. “They’re from before we ever got together. They might even be expired.”
It’s sweet, how nervous he is. I’m not mad, not one bit. I’m glad he’s prepared. “Can you just stop talking and hurry up and get it?”
Reeve jumps up and runs out the front door. He’s back in, like, two seconds and is hovering above me.
And then he’s kissing down my throat, my chest, my br**sts. His breath is warm and it feels good. I close my eyes and hold on to his forearms. I can hear the rain falling into the ocean. I feel like I am in a boat, safe and sound at sea, where no one can hurt us. That’s what I’m pretending right now. We are miles away from here, Reeve and me.
I feel him untying my bikini bottoms. “Is this okay?”
I’m nervous, my heart is racing, but I don’t want him to stop, so I keep my eyes closed and say, “Mm-hm.”
Then he’s touching me, and my eyes fly open, and I jerk against his hand. For the first time I’m glad about how many other girls he’s been with, because he’s so good at this. At making me feel good. Nothing has ever felt better than this. I press my face into his shoulder so I don’t gasp out loud. And then I feel him against me, and he asks one more time. “Are you sure? Because I love you and I’ll wait as long as you want.”
I look right into his eyes. With my eyes I tell him how much I trust him. How glad I am that it’s him. “Yes. I want you to be the first. My real first.”
He kisses me on the mouth, so sweetly, and he pushes inside me, and it hurts, just a little. I bite my lip. He kisses me again, and he’s moving, and I’m moving with him, and the pain is starting to fade away, and I just feel joyous. So this is what it feels like to give yourself to someone you love. My eyes well up and I wipe them on Reeve’s shoulder.
After, he rests his cheek on my chest and closes his eyes. I know what he’s doing. He’s listening to my heartbeat. “I want to be with you forever, Lillia.”
Reeve starts up the truck. “Where are we going? Your house?”
Suddenly my home, my room, doesn’t exactly feel safe. I spot the ring of keys in his console. “Take me to one of your dad’s rentals,” I say, and I grab his hand and don’t let go.
* * *
We drive to the other side of the island, to Canobie Bluffs. It’s starting to rain, and Reeve is driving one-handed because I won’t let go of his other hand. I keep twisting in my seat, looking out the back, to the side, every direction. I don’t know what I’m looking for.
Yes, I do. Mary. I keep expecting to see Mary, even though I know she isn’t here, and it was only a dream, and there’s no way she had anything to do with what happened at the pool. But still. I’m afraid. More than afraid. I’m terrified.
We drive down an empty-looking street, all vacant rental properties with signs out front. Reeve pulls into the driveway of a gray Cape Cod cottage that faces the water. He has a grimace on his face. “Let’s get you inside where you can warm up and dry off.”
I look out the window. “Park the car in the garage.”
Reeve obeys. We get out of the truck and walk into the house. It’s dark. Reeve starts turning on lights, and I pull all the curtains closed. He goes over to the fireplace and starts stacking logs. “Go dry off. I’ll have a fire going in no time.”
I don’t want to let him out of my sight, so I just take off my wet sweatshirt and wrap myself in the throw from the couch.
After the fire’s going, he sits down on the couch next to me. He starts drying my hair with the edge of the blanket. “I don’t want you to catch a cold,” he says, with so much tenderness I start to cry again.
I have to tell him. About Mary, about the revenge, about everything. I open my mouth, but nothing comes out. Just a sob.
“I’m fine,” he says. “I’m fine.” Reeve wipes my eyes with his sleeve.
Sniffling, I say, “You always take such good care of me, Reeve.” Why can’t Mary see how good he is? He’s not the monster she makes him out to be.
He takes off his sweatshirt. “Put this on.”
I push it away and start kissing him. His cheeks are cool to the touch. I could have lost him today. That’s what I keep thinking. And once I tell him what we did, what I did, I’ll lose him for good. There’s no way he’ll still love me once he knows the truth. What we have now, it will be over. Because it’s not just the drugs—that part he knows about, even if he’s never let me say the actual words out loud. It’s not just that I’m responsible for him losing his football scholarships and not finishing out the season. It’s the fact that the only reason I went after him in the first place was to pull a prank on him. And that all this time I’ve known his worst, darkest, most horrible secret, the secret he’s guarded so carefully.
I lean back against the couch so that I’m lying down, and I pull him with me. “I love you so much,” I tell him, over and over. I run my hands over his back, down his spine. His back muscles flex against my hands. I feel frenzied with wanting him near. Proof he’s here with me. I keep pulling him closer, closer. Our arms and legs are entwined, and we’re both breathing hard.
“Lil,” he groans. He tries to push away from me and sit up, but I won’t let him. I cling more tightly.
I whisper, “Don’t stop.”
“Let’s take a break for a second.”
I shake my head. “I don’t want to take a break.” This could be it for us. Once I tell him the truth, who knows what will happen next.
“Are you—are you sure?”
“Yes.”
I push the blanket away, and it drops to the floor. His head jerks up. “Wait—are you sure sure? Because I don’t want to do anything if you’re not sure. You’re still upset from what happened at the pool.”
I reach up and smooth his damp hair. “I’ve never been surer about anything in my life,” I tell him. “Do you have—do you have a condom?”
He hesitates and then says, “There might be some in my truck. I’ve put them in there before because my mom cleans my room and sometimes she snoops in my drawers. But sometimes Tommy uses my truck too. I definitely wasn’t assuming that you and I—I mean, they’re from before—” His face is reddening, and he’s starting to stutter. “They’re from before we ever got together. They might even be expired.”
It’s sweet, how nervous he is. I’m not mad, not one bit. I’m glad he’s prepared. “Can you just stop talking and hurry up and get it?”
Reeve jumps up and runs out the front door. He’s back in, like, two seconds and is hovering above me.
And then he’s kissing down my throat, my chest, my br**sts. His breath is warm and it feels good. I close my eyes and hold on to his forearms. I can hear the rain falling into the ocean. I feel like I am in a boat, safe and sound at sea, where no one can hurt us. That’s what I’m pretending right now. We are miles away from here, Reeve and me.
I feel him untying my bikini bottoms. “Is this okay?”
I’m nervous, my heart is racing, but I don’t want him to stop, so I keep my eyes closed and say, “Mm-hm.”
Then he’s touching me, and my eyes fly open, and I jerk against his hand. For the first time I’m glad about how many other girls he’s been with, because he’s so good at this. At making me feel good. Nothing has ever felt better than this. I press my face into his shoulder so I don’t gasp out loud. And then I feel him against me, and he asks one more time. “Are you sure? Because I love you and I’ll wait as long as you want.”
I look right into his eyes. With my eyes I tell him how much I trust him. How glad I am that it’s him. “Yes. I want you to be the first. My real first.”
He kisses me on the mouth, so sweetly, and he pushes inside me, and it hurts, just a little. I bite my lip. He kisses me again, and he’s moving, and I’m moving with him, and the pain is starting to fade away, and I just feel joyous. So this is what it feels like to give yourself to someone you love. My eyes well up and I wipe them on Reeve’s shoulder.
After, he rests his cheek on my chest and closes his eyes. I know what he’s doing. He’s listening to my heartbeat. “I want to be with you forever, Lillia.”
