Ashes to Ashes
Page 44
I’m not crazy. I’m not. If I’m crazy, then so is Kat. Kat’s not crazy. So I can’t be either. This is really happening.
If I look back far enough, I can see that everything that’s happened up till now, it’s because of Mary. Because of that day in the girls’ bathroom. The revenge, Reeve getting hurt, Rennie dying, Reeve and me falling in love. Everything could have been different. Everything was supposed to be different.
Reeve and I were never meant to be. If not for Mary, we wouldn’t have looked twice at each other, not in a million years. Not like that. But here we are.
Before Mary, I couldn’t stand him. So I can’t even regret it. I can’t even say that if I could go back and do it all differently, I would. Because if I say that, then I erase the love I feel for him in my heart, I erase every perfect moment, every time he looked at me like I was the only girl in the room. In the world. I can’t do that. I wouldn’t have done one thing differently, because what I did gave me him. What we had was perfect, and it was finite in the way that all good things are. Nothing gold can stay. I take off the necklace Reeve gave me and then I cry until the sun comes up. For what could have been and what will never be.
Chapter Thirty-Eight
MARY
HONESTLY, IT’S A GOOD THING that Lillia’s so in love with Reeve and vice versa. It makes this whole plan so much easier. Threaten his life and she’ll do anything I ask. Have Lillia spear him in his most vulnerable place and it’s an instant mortal wound. Better than anything I could inflict, because it cuts him deepest.
I will myself to Reeve’s bedroom, and when I get there, it’s empty.
But then I hear a thud. And another. And another. They get harder and harder, these thuds, constant and steady like a metronome. They are so hard they vibrate through the bedroom, shake the change on his change plate, rattle the cup of pencils on his desk.
I follow the beating to just outside Reeve’s private bathroom.
The water is on, and steam billows out past the partially open door. I know I shouldn’t, but I can’t help myself. I walk inside.
Reeve’s shower has glass doors. They are rippled and frosted, so you can’t see straight through them. But I can definitely make out his shape on the other side. The color of his skin. The shape of his butt. His fists pounding against the tiled walls.
I climb up onto the toilet, sit on the tank, and listen as the water falls. He punches and punches, and then, when I’m sure his fists must be so tender, he sink down and begins to sob.
I could almost feel bad for him, but I won’t, because this is just the beginning.
Chapter Thirty-Nine
LILLIA
DADDY WAKES ME UP WITH a knock on my door in the morning. I don’t remember falling asleep. “Lilli,” he says. “Reeve’s outside.”
He walks over to my window. I get out of bed and follow him. Down on the street, in front of our house, is Reeve’s truck. He’s sitting inside the cab, eyes looking up to my window.
I take a big step back.
Awkwardly Daddy says, “I saw him when I went out to grab the paper. I invited him in for breakfast, but he wouldn’t come. I think he’s been out there all night. Did you two have a fight?”
“We broke up.”
Daddy’s eyes widen. “Are you all right? Do you, um, want me to call your mom in here?”
“I’m fine,” I tell him. “Can you tell him to go?” My dad nods and leaves.
I stand at the window and watch my dad send Reeve away. Then I turn my cell phone back on. It explodes with text messages, and each one breaks my heart.
Please don’t do this.
I’m coming over.
Outside.
I’m not going anywhere. I’ll wait here all night if I have to.
Cho, please. I love you.
And finally . . .
You’re killing me.
No, Reeve. I’m trying to save you.
I watch him drive away. But the relief I feel is short-lived, because my phone rings again, and it’s Reeve. I hit ignore, and I get back into bed. I lie on my side and cry and cry.
Nadia comes in at one point and climbs into bed with me. I keep my back to her, and she snuggles up against me. “Just talk to him,” she says. “You guys love each other. Whatever it is, you can work it out.”
But we can’t. Not if I want him to live.
We both fall asleep, and then I hear my phone ring and I grab it and check to see if it’s Reeve. But it’s not him; it’s Kat. She must be back from Uncle Tim’s boat. I want to tell her everything so bad. She’s the one person who would understand. But I’m terrified that if I make one false move, this whole thing will come crashing down and Mary will just kill Reeve.
The phone stops ringing, and then it buzzes. A text from Kat.
Ahoy! Land ho! Did ya miss me? Call me so we can hang.
I can’t see Kat, not yet. Kat will question me, she’ll press me for details, and I’m a horrible liar. She’ll know right away that something’s not right. I’ll just have to avoid her until I figure out what I’m going to say.
Chapter Forty
KAT
THE FIRST DAY BACK AFTER spring break, I go looking for Lil as soon as I get to school. I can’t wait to show her how sick my tan lines are. But before I find her, Ms. Chirazo stops me in the hallway and says, “We have a situation.”
“Huh?”
She takes me by the arm. “Come with me.”
I follow her quickly to her office with a terrible feeling in my stomach. “Is this about Oberlin?”
“Yes, I’m afraid it is,” she says, closing the door behind me. “Have you heard anything from admissions?”
“No.” It was such a bummer. Alex docked the boat, and I just had this feeling that I’d come home to news. But there was no letter, no e-mail. “I mean, I haven’t checked e-mail yet today, but—”
“Here. Use my computer.”
I sit down and check, and there’s nothing.
She bites on the arm of her glasses. “That’s good. That means they haven’t rejected you yet.”
“Yet?” I run my hands through my hair.
Then Ms. Chirazo has me log in to the Oberlin website and check the status of my application. Incomplete.
“Incomplete? What the f—”
“Katherine,” she warns.
“I don’t get it. I sent in everything they asked for.”
“I checked your files today, just on a whim. And thank goodness I did. We never did get a hard copy of your recommendation letter. And I just had this feeling.”
If I look back far enough, I can see that everything that’s happened up till now, it’s because of Mary. Because of that day in the girls’ bathroom. The revenge, Reeve getting hurt, Rennie dying, Reeve and me falling in love. Everything could have been different. Everything was supposed to be different.
Reeve and I were never meant to be. If not for Mary, we wouldn’t have looked twice at each other, not in a million years. Not like that. But here we are.
Before Mary, I couldn’t stand him. So I can’t even regret it. I can’t even say that if I could go back and do it all differently, I would. Because if I say that, then I erase the love I feel for him in my heart, I erase every perfect moment, every time he looked at me like I was the only girl in the room. In the world. I can’t do that. I wouldn’t have done one thing differently, because what I did gave me him. What we had was perfect, and it was finite in the way that all good things are. Nothing gold can stay. I take off the necklace Reeve gave me and then I cry until the sun comes up. For what could have been and what will never be.
Chapter Thirty-Eight
MARY
HONESTLY, IT’S A GOOD THING that Lillia’s so in love with Reeve and vice versa. It makes this whole plan so much easier. Threaten his life and she’ll do anything I ask. Have Lillia spear him in his most vulnerable place and it’s an instant mortal wound. Better than anything I could inflict, because it cuts him deepest.
I will myself to Reeve’s bedroom, and when I get there, it’s empty.
But then I hear a thud. And another. And another. They get harder and harder, these thuds, constant and steady like a metronome. They are so hard they vibrate through the bedroom, shake the change on his change plate, rattle the cup of pencils on his desk.
I follow the beating to just outside Reeve’s private bathroom.
The water is on, and steam billows out past the partially open door. I know I shouldn’t, but I can’t help myself. I walk inside.
Reeve’s shower has glass doors. They are rippled and frosted, so you can’t see straight through them. But I can definitely make out his shape on the other side. The color of his skin. The shape of his butt. His fists pounding against the tiled walls.
I climb up onto the toilet, sit on the tank, and listen as the water falls. He punches and punches, and then, when I’m sure his fists must be so tender, he sink down and begins to sob.
I could almost feel bad for him, but I won’t, because this is just the beginning.
Chapter Thirty-Nine
LILLIA
DADDY WAKES ME UP WITH a knock on my door in the morning. I don’t remember falling asleep. “Lilli,” he says. “Reeve’s outside.”
He walks over to my window. I get out of bed and follow him. Down on the street, in front of our house, is Reeve’s truck. He’s sitting inside the cab, eyes looking up to my window.
I take a big step back.
Awkwardly Daddy says, “I saw him when I went out to grab the paper. I invited him in for breakfast, but he wouldn’t come. I think he’s been out there all night. Did you two have a fight?”
“We broke up.”
Daddy’s eyes widen. “Are you all right? Do you, um, want me to call your mom in here?”
“I’m fine,” I tell him. “Can you tell him to go?” My dad nods and leaves.
I stand at the window and watch my dad send Reeve away. Then I turn my cell phone back on. It explodes with text messages, and each one breaks my heart.
Please don’t do this.
I’m coming over.
Outside.
I’m not going anywhere. I’ll wait here all night if I have to.
Cho, please. I love you.
And finally . . .
You’re killing me.
No, Reeve. I’m trying to save you.
I watch him drive away. But the relief I feel is short-lived, because my phone rings again, and it’s Reeve. I hit ignore, and I get back into bed. I lie on my side and cry and cry.
Nadia comes in at one point and climbs into bed with me. I keep my back to her, and she snuggles up against me. “Just talk to him,” she says. “You guys love each other. Whatever it is, you can work it out.”
But we can’t. Not if I want him to live.
We both fall asleep, and then I hear my phone ring and I grab it and check to see if it’s Reeve. But it’s not him; it’s Kat. She must be back from Uncle Tim’s boat. I want to tell her everything so bad. She’s the one person who would understand. But I’m terrified that if I make one false move, this whole thing will come crashing down and Mary will just kill Reeve.
The phone stops ringing, and then it buzzes. A text from Kat.
Ahoy! Land ho! Did ya miss me? Call me so we can hang.
I can’t see Kat, not yet. Kat will question me, she’ll press me for details, and I’m a horrible liar. She’ll know right away that something’s not right. I’ll just have to avoid her until I figure out what I’m going to say.
Chapter Forty
KAT
THE FIRST DAY BACK AFTER spring break, I go looking for Lil as soon as I get to school. I can’t wait to show her how sick my tan lines are. But before I find her, Ms. Chirazo stops me in the hallway and says, “We have a situation.”
“Huh?”
She takes me by the arm. “Come with me.”
I follow her quickly to her office with a terrible feeling in my stomach. “Is this about Oberlin?”
“Yes, I’m afraid it is,” she says, closing the door behind me. “Have you heard anything from admissions?”
“No.” It was such a bummer. Alex docked the boat, and I just had this feeling that I’d come home to news. But there was no letter, no e-mail. “I mean, I haven’t checked e-mail yet today, but—”
“Here. Use my computer.”
I sit down and check, and there’s nothing.
She bites on the arm of her glasses. “That’s good. That means they haven’t rejected you yet.”
“Yet?” I run my hands through my hair.
Then Ms. Chirazo has me log in to the Oberlin website and check the status of my application. Incomplete.
“Incomplete? What the f—”
“Katherine,” she warns.
“I don’t get it. I sent in everything they asked for.”
“I checked your files today, just on a whim. And thank goodness I did. We never did get a hard copy of your recommendation letter. And I just had this feeling.”
