Back to You
Page 70
“I know I’m fucked up with food. And even when I’m not modeling it’s still there. But I will die before I’d let the girls see it, or before I’d let them grow up in a home with a mother who hates her body. There was never a single time in my house when my mother wasn’t on a diet. No fad went untried. She’s the one who taught me that amphetamines suppressed your appetite and gave you energy you didn’t have because you were starving yourself.”
“Hey.” Vaughan took her cheeks between his hands. “I know you’re protecting the girls. I know you do the right thing for their sake. I’d like you to do it for your sake, too. Because you’re worth it.”
“Don’t try to fix me. It’s not that simple. I do the best I can. This is the healthiest I’ve been my whole life. I’ve constructed enough rules for myself that I have the control I need but I’m not obsessive. I exercise and when I’m not on a job I eat a pretty normal diet. I like myself. I’m not just saying it because it’s what you want to hear.”
She exercised every single morning for an hour. Sometimes he joined her. On her yoga days he liked to watch her as she moved. Sensuous. Lithe. Powerful. But at the same time, there was a sort of ritual to it that he understood better now.
He hated that she had to fight off stuff her mother had ingrained. What sort of person did that to a kid? He said it out loud, not meaning to.
“I don’t think she ever really thought of herself as responsible for someone else. My grandmother was a very severe woman. She picked at my mother nonstop when we were around. Which wasn’t that often. When I think back on the times we saw her, I realized how much she browbeat my mom about her looks and what she ate. She got married pretty young. I’m betting it was to get away from home. But he wasn’t enough for Rebecca. Hell, we weren’t enough for him.”
The father who’d walked away without bothering to look back.
“I don’t know that you can take responsibility for that, Kel.”
Kelly rolled her eyes, ignoring him. “My mother sees everyone in terms of what they can do for her. I was pretty and learned fast so she pushed me into modeling. Once it looked like it could be a real thing for me, she tossed him aside and we moved to New York. In her mind, she sees all the stuff she did when I grew up, the heavy physical discipline, the rationing of food and affection to get me to do what she wanted, as good mothering. She gave me a career. And she did. But the cost, huh?”
“Did you get therapy? I mean, that’s a personal question and you don’t have to answer. But you’ve done a lot of work and you’ve done it to protect our daughters. It’s a pretty amazing place you’ve ended up in with your mother and your childhood.”
“I started going when I was pregnant with Maddie.”
“I never knew.” How could that have happened? He was still married to her then. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
“You wouldn’t have cared. Not then. I know you think you would have. And I know the man who just threw himself between a crazy stage mother and her meal ticket certainly does. But you just... I needed someone solid.”
Defensiveness rose in him. “That’s unfair.”
“Oh, is it? It was pretty unfair from my end, too. And yet, it needed doing and no one was there to lean on so I handled it.” Her anger wisped away and she sighed. “I was freaked about the weight and the changes in my body. I saw her for several years. I still call her up from time to time when I need it. But mainly, I’m better.”
It wasn’t as if he hadn’t loved her back then. But the shame of her being right about how he just wouldn’t have given it the importance it deserved hit hard. “How did I not see? I mean, I knew you were concerned about your weight in general. I knew about the speed before Maddie. And even the chocolate counting. But I had no idea of the entirety of this. I’m sorry I didn’t pay enough attention. So fucking sorry. Again.”
Her gaze roved over his features; the light in her eyes was affectionate. “I think you should see this in a positive way. I’m done looking back. You weren’t ready for a family. I didn’t have the tools to deal with that or fix it then. After fruitless years, I left because there was no other choice if I wanted to respect myself. But I don’t want this past stuff to be something you have to beat yourself up over time and again. You asked me and I told you because I trusted you enough to share. That’s the point. Don’t miss it.”
He hugged her, knowing how lucky he was even as he hated that he hadn’t before. “All right. Thanks for sharing. And thanks for giving me a real chance. I love you.”
“I love you, too. But I’m so glad to be going home tomorrow.”
Harvest would start Thursday and Jeremy was going to be in town so he’d have to deal with some band stuff. He wouldn’t be around as much because of it so he wasn’t as excited as she to be leaving.
He’d gotten spoiled, spending all his time with them. He had to split that attention and he wasn’t looking forward to it. Now that he understood the joy of family with his women, he was loath to leave it even for just a short time.
“Come to bed.” She kissed him. Teasing.
“Always.”
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
“YOUR MOTHER IS HANDLED.” Stacey settled onto the couch next to Kelly. “She’ll behave. I spoke with her about the importance of boundaries. And that yours needed to be respected. Essentially I told her to back the fuck off or she’d be a lot poorer.”
“Hey.” Vaughan took her cheeks between his hands. “I know you’re protecting the girls. I know you do the right thing for their sake. I’d like you to do it for your sake, too. Because you’re worth it.”
“Don’t try to fix me. It’s not that simple. I do the best I can. This is the healthiest I’ve been my whole life. I’ve constructed enough rules for myself that I have the control I need but I’m not obsessive. I exercise and when I’m not on a job I eat a pretty normal diet. I like myself. I’m not just saying it because it’s what you want to hear.”
She exercised every single morning for an hour. Sometimes he joined her. On her yoga days he liked to watch her as she moved. Sensuous. Lithe. Powerful. But at the same time, there was a sort of ritual to it that he understood better now.
He hated that she had to fight off stuff her mother had ingrained. What sort of person did that to a kid? He said it out loud, not meaning to.
“I don’t think she ever really thought of herself as responsible for someone else. My grandmother was a very severe woman. She picked at my mother nonstop when we were around. Which wasn’t that often. When I think back on the times we saw her, I realized how much she browbeat my mom about her looks and what she ate. She got married pretty young. I’m betting it was to get away from home. But he wasn’t enough for Rebecca. Hell, we weren’t enough for him.”
The father who’d walked away without bothering to look back.
“I don’t know that you can take responsibility for that, Kel.”
Kelly rolled her eyes, ignoring him. “My mother sees everyone in terms of what they can do for her. I was pretty and learned fast so she pushed me into modeling. Once it looked like it could be a real thing for me, she tossed him aside and we moved to New York. In her mind, she sees all the stuff she did when I grew up, the heavy physical discipline, the rationing of food and affection to get me to do what she wanted, as good mothering. She gave me a career. And she did. But the cost, huh?”
“Did you get therapy? I mean, that’s a personal question and you don’t have to answer. But you’ve done a lot of work and you’ve done it to protect our daughters. It’s a pretty amazing place you’ve ended up in with your mother and your childhood.”
“I started going when I was pregnant with Maddie.”
“I never knew.” How could that have happened? He was still married to her then. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
“You wouldn’t have cared. Not then. I know you think you would have. And I know the man who just threw himself between a crazy stage mother and her meal ticket certainly does. But you just... I needed someone solid.”
Defensiveness rose in him. “That’s unfair.”
“Oh, is it? It was pretty unfair from my end, too. And yet, it needed doing and no one was there to lean on so I handled it.” Her anger wisped away and she sighed. “I was freaked about the weight and the changes in my body. I saw her for several years. I still call her up from time to time when I need it. But mainly, I’m better.”
It wasn’t as if he hadn’t loved her back then. But the shame of her being right about how he just wouldn’t have given it the importance it deserved hit hard. “How did I not see? I mean, I knew you were concerned about your weight in general. I knew about the speed before Maddie. And even the chocolate counting. But I had no idea of the entirety of this. I’m sorry I didn’t pay enough attention. So fucking sorry. Again.”
Her gaze roved over his features; the light in her eyes was affectionate. “I think you should see this in a positive way. I’m done looking back. You weren’t ready for a family. I didn’t have the tools to deal with that or fix it then. After fruitless years, I left because there was no other choice if I wanted to respect myself. But I don’t want this past stuff to be something you have to beat yourself up over time and again. You asked me and I told you because I trusted you enough to share. That’s the point. Don’t miss it.”
He hugged her, knowing how lucky he was even as he hated that he hadn’t before. “All right. Thanks for sharing. And thanks for giving me a real chance. I love you.”
“I love you, too. But I’m so glad to be going home tomorrow.”
Harvest would start Thursday and Jeremy was going to be in town so he’d have to deal with some band stuff. He wouldn’t be around as much because of it so he wasn’t as excited as she to be leaving.
He’d gotten spoiled, spending all his time with them. He had to split that attention and he wasn’t looking forward to it. Now that he understood the joy of family with his women, he was loath to leave it even for just a short time.
“Come to bed.” She kissed him. Teasing.
“Always.”
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
“YOUR MOTHER IS HANDLED.” Stacey settled onto the couch next to Kelly. “She’ll behave. I spoke with her about the importance of boundaries. And that yours needed to be respected. Essentially I told her to back the fuck off or she’d be a lot poorer.”
