Baking and Babies

Page 32

 
“I do not want to sleep with any grandmothers!” I protest.
 
Thankfully, the camera crew decided to pack it up and go home after Drew tried to get the meerkat to eat live goldfish out of the edible underwear he put on, and none of this is being recorded for the world to see.
 
“Alright, I’ve got Friendship Rocks, Call of the Cutie, and Dog and Pony Show. Which one will it be, boys?” Tyler asks, walking into the room with three DVDs in his hands.
 
“Ooooh, definitely Dog and Pony Show,” Drew says with smile and a nod.
 
“We are not watching that stupid My Little Pony shit,” Jim tells Tyler, grabbing the DVDs from his hands and chucking them across the room.
 
“Wait, MLP movies? Wow, that is NOT what I thought Dog and Pony Show was,” Drew mutters.
 
“What the hell else are we going to do, then? Thanks to Drew we don’t have a meerkat to play with anymore,” Tyler complains.
 
“How the hell was I supposed to know? Jesus, you give a meerkat one sip of beer and you’d think I tried to poison him with the way that stick-up-his-ass zookeeper acted,” Drew mutters.
 
“I’m pretty sure beer IS poisonous to an animal like that,” Carter tells him.
 
“Excuse me for not being up-to-date on my meerkat knowledge,” Drew grumbles. “It’s not my fault the little guy liked it and wanted more. He was thirsty after all of that underwear candy. Fucking Tom Brady…”
 
Drew notices all of us staring at him in confusion and he shrugs. “I didn’t feel like Sunshine Wiener Schnitzel was a good name for him, so I changed it to Tom Brady. It’s always Tom Brady’s fault.”
 
We sit here for a few quiet minutes, staring into our bottles of beer.
 
“This is pathetic. Are we really this old that we don’t know how to throw a good bachelor party anymore?” Carter asks.
 
“It’s all Liz’s fault for not letting me have strippers,” Drew complains. “Stupid strippers and their stupid snail trails…”
 
“I think we should watch some student/teacher porn in honor of Marco and Molly,” Tyler suggests with a wag of his eyebrows. “I bet you could tell us a few stories about bending that one over your desk and spanking her with a ruler, am I right?”
 
He nudges Jim with his elbow and gives him a smirk.
 
“I bet I could tell a story about how I shoved my entire arm up your ass, how about that?” Jim replies.
 
“Awww, no fair!” Drew complains. “I was going to tell that story later. No matter what anyone tells you, KY Tingling Jelly shouldn’t go in your ass. I was shitting fire for three days, let me tell you.”
 
I quickly chug the rest of my beer, hoping the alcohol kicks in soon and erases everything from my mind that happened tonight. Well, except the kiss. Damn, that fucking kiss almost made me come in my pants. As soon as Molly walked out the door all I could think about was kissing her. Shit, from the moment I open my eyes every morning until I fall asleep, that’s all I think about. I couldn’t stand going one more second without knowing what kissing her would be like instead of just dreaming about it. I ran outside as fast as I could and I couldn’t wipe the goofy grin from my face seeing her still standing next to the limo.
 
God, those lips. That tongue. That fucking mouth that tasted like sweet, crisp apples, just like I wondered. I think I might’ve been better off not knowing. Now that my suspicions are confirmed, I’m never going to be able to get rid of my hard-on. I want to strip her naked and taste every inch of her skin. I want to bury myself inside of her until we both lose our minds. I want to hear her scream my name and claw at my back until…
 
“What are your immediate future plans with my daughter?” Jim asks, pulling me out of my horny thoughts and hoping I didn’t mutter any of them out loud.
 
“Um…to spend time with her, and…uh, yeah. Hang out and stuff,” I tell him uncomfortably. I don’t really think he’d appreciate me telling him all the ways I want to fuck his daughter.
 
“I mean, are you planning on making an honest woman out of her and proposing?” he questions. “It’s the least you could do after you defiled her and ruined her for any other man.”
 
Wow, really? And here I thought Jim was starting to take a liking to me. What the hell is wrong with my dick and sperm that he thinks it would defile Molly? I’ll have you know my sperm is very nice, and I’ve gotten quite a few compliments on how appealing to the eye my penis is.
 
“She’s not defiled,” I grumble. “The Desoto sperm is filled with all sorts of good stuff.”
 
“My sperm is filled with pineapple. I eat two pineapples a day leading up to blow job day,” Drew comments.
 
“She’s twenty years old and just finished college. What man is going to want a woman tied down with another man’s child?” Jim asks, folding his arms and glaring at me.
 
“Um, how about me, the father of the child?”
 
The fake child, but whatever. I know I freaked out in the beginning and couldn’t imagine being with her if she were having someone else’s kid, but things have changed since then. If Molly really were pregnant by someone else, it wouldn’t matter. I’d find a way to deal with the knowledge that she had someone else’s gross spooge all up in her, and I’d deal with everything that comes along with helping her raise that child, because in the end, she’s still the same girl I’ve wanted for two years. She’s still Molly and even if we don’t know each other well, even if tonight was the first time I kissed her and there’s still so much I need to learn about her, she’s gotten into my heart and under my skin, and I’m not going to let anything ruin that.
 
“At least Gavin has the good sense to wrap his dick up to prevent shit like this, because he and Charlotte are smart and they don’t want kids,” Jim informs me.
 
“That’s what you think,” I laugh, realizing immediately I should have kept my mouth shut.
 
Everyone looks at me funny and I quickly blurt out the first thing I can think of.
 
“I mean, I wrap my shit up too, but accidents still happen. I even double-bag it. That’s right, I wear two condoms so suck it!” I tell them. “But you know what, sperm is conniving and vindictive, and if they want to chew their way through two layers of latex, they will sure as shit gnaw through that stuff and give you the finger while their little spermy tails are moving them right along. Fucking sperm and their spermy tails…”
 
Realizing I sound like a complete moron, I slam my empty bottle on top of the coffee table and grab another beer from the ice bucket in the middle. I down the entire thing, wiping my hand across my mouth when I finish.
 
Tyler decides to break the tension in the room by walking over to Jim and getting down on one knee in front of him.
 
“Jim, give me your hand,” he states, holding his palm out.
 
“What the fuck are you doing?” Jim complains.
 
“Just give me your hand, I need to ask you something.”
 
Jim looks at him in disgust, and then smacks Tyler’s hand away.
 
“Fine,” Tyler huffs. “We’ll do it your way.”
 
He clears his throat and lifts his chin, resting his hands on top of Jim’s knees.
 
“Jim, I’d like to officially ask for your daughter’s hand in marriage,” Tyler tells him confidently.
 
“Fuck, I think I’m going to cry,” Drew mumbles with a sniffle, rubbing his fists against his eyes.
 
“Get the fuck off your knee and remove your hands from my legs,” Jim growls.
 
“I’m sorry, Jim, but I need to do this the right way. I want you to see that I will spend as much time on my knees as it takes to please you.”
 
Drew laughs and holds out his fist for Carter to bump. “Ha ha, that’s what she said!”
 
Jim glares at him and Drew gives him the finger.
 
“Oh, fuck your face. Like I was the only one thinking it.”
 
“I can’t believe you’re going to get married,” Gavin says quietly. “What happened to bros before hos?”