Baking and Babies
Page 45
Wait, did she say Alfanso?
“I puked when I gave him a blowjob,” I mutter.
“Blowjob puking?” Uncle Drew pipes up from across the table. “There’s porn for that. It’s a little disturbing, but surprisingly good quality. Hold on, I have it bookmarked.”
Uncle Drew pulls out his phone, and I stare at Marco, waiting for him to explain what the hell is going on before I lose my mind.
“Ava almost did that once, but she made it to the toilet right after she swallowed,” Tyler muses. “That’s why my pet name for her is Cum-Bubble. She had this adorable little bubble of snot and jizz in one nostril. I think I still have the picture somewhere on my phone.”
Why isn’t Marco saying anything?
“Holy shit! Are you Alfanso D.?!” Tyler suddenly shouts across the table in excitement, staring wide-eyed at Marco. “Dude, Chocolate Sauce Suckfest changed my life!”
He elbows Uncle Drew.
“Hold on, I almost found it. I saved it after the link for grandma banging and before the one for midget anal,” Uncle Drew mutters, finally looking up from his phone when Tyler keeps nudging him.
“Dad, we’ve been in the company of porn royalty this entire time and didn’t even know it,” Tyler says in awe.
“I’m not a partial-virgin anymore,” I mumble stupidly.
“Oh, I KNOW I’ve got virgin porn on here. You’re gonna need to be more specific about the partial thing, though,” Uncle Drew says, going back to his phone.
“Molly, I can explain,” Marco whispers, finally deciding to speak.
“Oh, this should be good,” Blondie mutters with a sarcastic laugh.
I finally clear my head enough to notice the guilty look on Marco’s face, and I realize he hasn’t said one word about how this bitch is lying or confused or a homeless meth addict posing as a server.
“How about you just fuck right off, Giant Jugs?” I growl, my eyes narrowing at the slut who refuses to walk away.
She gasps and then huffs, looking at Marco like she expects him to come to her defense. When he wisely keeps his mouth shut and his eyes stay glued to mine, she finally storms away, leaving a cloud of fruity perfume in her wake that makes me nauseous.
“Molly, please—”
“Was she telling the truth?” I ask, cutting him off.
I don’t know why I’m even asking since I can see it written all over his miserable face. I can’t decide if I want to cry or smack him.
Calmly pushing my chair back, I stand and toss my napkin on top of the table.
“I lied. It IS a big deal and it doesn’t happen to every guy!” I yell, channeling Rachel from Friends.
Marco gasps, but I’m too upset and heart broken and pissed to let the hurt look on his face get to me.
“Ooooh, got yourself a wilting wiener problem, huh?” Uncle Drew asks him with a sympathetic smile. “Don’t worry, I’ve got just the porn for that. Shit, where did I put the link to the toe fucking website…”
On that note, I turn and walk away from the table. I keep my head down as the tears start to fall when I realize Marco isn’t going to chase after me, a shout from Uncle Drew making this night even more sad and pathetic.
“Shit! I can’t believe someone erased my toe-fucking link. Dammit, Tom Brady!”
Chapter 23
– Smell the Meat –
Marco
Like the fucking coward I am, I left the rehearsal dinner last night with my tail tucked between my legs as soon as Molly walked away from me with tears in her eyes. Well, as soon as Drew made me watch twenty minutes of foot fetish porn and Tyler told me he knew a guy who knew a guy who could get me Viagra, but it would involve me stripping at something called BronyCon that I was afraid to ask about.
I knew this would happen and I knew it would fuck up everything, but like an idiot, I just kept putting it off until it all blew up in my face. And blow up it did when a blast from my man-whore past showed up and ruined my life.
Fucking Megan Levine…that chocolate sauce chapter wasn’t even about her, but the one with the recipe for a strawberry sauce to add to your bath water for a fresh smelling vagina was. That chick had a nice rack, but her pussy smelled like ham, and not delicious, Easter Sunday ham either. Like ten-day-old rancid lunchmeat ham.
Stupid Megan Levine and her stupid ham vagina.
“Did you call my guy’s guy about the dick drugs?”
Tyler comes up next to me and hands me a beer while I stare across the room at Molly. I tried to talk to her earlier at the wedding ceremony, but she pretended like I didn’t exist and refused to even look at me. I’m not leaving this reception until she lets me apologize and explain.
“I don’t need dick drugs, Tyler, we were talking about a soufflé,” I clarify, watching Molly duck down under the head table again for probably the tenth time in the last few minutes.
What the hell is she doing?
“Is that like, French or something? I kind of like it. It sounds more dignified to say I fucked a soufflé,” he muses. “Is that gonna be in the next book? Can I get an advanced copy?”
I chug my beer for some liquid courage and prepare to head over to Molly, dragging her out of here if I need to.
“The next book is called Baking and Babies and has nothing to do with the fucking of desserts,” I tell him with a sigh.
“Baking babies? Dude, that’s hard-core. I mean, I know kids are annoying and shit, but cooking them? Can you even do that?” he asks.
I watch Molly pop back up from under the table and stand, wobbling a little as she clutches onto the back of her chair. She’s so fucking beautiful it makes me want to cry. I’ve heard women complain about being forced to wear ugly bridesmaid dresses, but there is nothing ugly about the short purple, satin strapless dress clinging to Molly’s body. Her hair is up in some fancy do with a few pieces hanging down around her face and my hands have been itching all day to pull out the pins holding it in place so I could watch the silky dark locks spill around her naked shoulders.
“I guess you can slather BBQ sauce on just about anything and it will taste good, but I just don’t know if I could stomach eating an actual baby, no matter what you baste it in.”
While Tyler continues to talk to himself, I shove my empty bottle at him start walking towards the head table.
“What about Ranch?” Tyler shouts after me. “I might eat a baby if you put Ranch on it.”
A few people try to stop and talk to me, but I ignore them and keep my eye on the prize. When I’m a few feet away from the head table, the DJ comes up behind Gavin and Charlotte and speaks into his microphone.
“If everyone could have a seat, we’re going to get started with the toasts before dinner is served,” he announces to the room.
The reception hall is filled with the sounds of chairs scraping across the floor as everyone sits down. With a quick glance around me, I realize I’m the only one still standing so I quickly grab an empty seat at the nearest table as the DJ hands the microphone to Molly.
She grabs it and moves to stand behind Gavin and Charlotte, swaying a little when she stops and I immediately realize what she was doing each time she disappeared out of sight under the table.
“This is going to be amazing. She’s so wasted,” Ava whispers with a laugh as she pulls up a chair next to me and flops down.
“Shouldn’t you be up there with the rest of the bridal party? And why the hell did you let her drink so much?” I ask in a quiet, angry voice.
Molly blows loudly into the microphone, the speakers screeching with feedback as everyone in the room winces from the ear piercing noise.
“I didn’t realize until five minutes ago that she’s been inhaling a bottle of vodka under the table since she got here,” Ava tells me while Molly giggles into the microphone and apologizes to everyone. “I went to get her some black coffee from the kitchen, but they haven’t brewed any yet.”
“I puked when I gave him a blowjob,” I mutter.
“Blowjob puking?” Uncle Drew pipes up from across the table. “There’s porn for that. It’s a little disturbing, but surprisingly good quality. Hold on, I have it bookmarked.”
Uncle Drew pulls out his phone, and I stare at Marco, waiting for him to explain what the hell is going on before I lose my mind.
“Ava almost did that once, but she made it to the toilet right after she swallowed,” Tyler muses. “That’s why my pet name for her is Cum-Bubble. She had this adorable little bubble of snot and jizz in one nostril. I think I still have the picture somewhere on my phone.”
Why isn’t Marco saying anything?
“Holy shit! Are you Alfanso D.?!” Tyler suddenly shouts across the table in excitement, staring wide-eyed at Marco. “Dude, Chocolate Sauce Suckfest changed my life!”
He elbows Uncle Drew.
“Hold on, I almost found it. I saved it after the link for grandma banging and before the one for midget anal,” Uncle Drew mutters, finally looking up from his phone when Tyler keeps nudging him.
“Dad, we’ve been in the company of porn royalty this entire time and didn’t even know it,” Tyler says in awe.
“I’m not a partial-virgin anymore,” I mumble stupidly.
“Oh, I KNOW I’ve got virgin porn on here. You’re gonna need to be more specific about the partial thing, though,” Uncle Drew says, going back to his phone.
“Molly, I can explain,” Marco whispers, finally deciding to speak.
“Oh, this should be good,” Blondie mutters with a sarcastic laugh.
I finally clear my head enough to notice the guilty look on Marco’s face, and I realize he hasn’t said one word about how this bitch is lying or confused or a homeless meth addict posing as a server.
“How about you just fuck right off, Giant Jugs?” I growl, my eyes narrowing at the slut who refuses to walk away.
She gasps and then huffs, looking at Marco like she expects him to come to her defense. When he wisely keeps his mouth shut and his eyes stay glued to mine, she finally storms away, leaving a cloud of fruity perfume in her wake that makes me nauseous.
“Molly, please—”
“Was she telling the truth?” I ask, cutting him off.
I don’t know why I’m even asking since I can see it written all over his miserable face. I can’t decide if I want to cry or smack him.
Calmly pushing my chair back, I stand and toss my napkin on top of the table.
“I lied. It IS a big deal and it doesn’t happen to every guy!” I yell, channeling Rachel from Friends.
Marco gasps, but I’m too upset and heart broken and pissed to let the hurt look on his face get to me.
“Ooooh, got yourself a wilting wiener problem, huh?” Uncle Drew asks him with a sympathetic smile. “Don’t worry, I’ve got just the porn for that. Shit, where did I put the link to the toe fucking website…”
On that note, I turn and walk away from the table. I keep my head down as the tears start to fall when I realize Marco isn’t going to chase after me, a shout from Uncle Drew making this night even more sad and pathetic.
“Shit! I can’t believe someone erased my toe-fucking link. Dammit, Tom Brady!”
Chapter 23
– Smell the Meat –
Marco
Like the fucking coward I am, I left the rehearsal dinner last night with my tail tucked between my legs as soon as Molly walked away from me with tears in her eyes. Well, as soon as Drew made me watch twenty minutes of foot fetish porn and Tyler told me he knew a guy who knew a guy who could get me Viagra, but it would involve me stripping at something called BronyCon that I was afraid to ask about.
I knew this would happen and I knew it would fuck up everything, but like an idiot, I just kept putting it off until it all blew up in my face. And blow up it did when a blast from my man-whore past showed up and ruined my life.
Fucking Megan Levine…that chocolate sauce chapter wasn’t even about her, but the one with the recipe for a strawberry sauce to add to your bath water for a fresh smelling vagina was. That chick had a nice rack, but her pussy smelled like ham, and not delicious, Easter Sunday ham either. Like ten-day-old rancid lunchmeat ham.
Stupid Megan Levine and her stupid ham vagina.
“Did you call my guy’s guy about the dick drugs?”
Tyler comes up next to me and hands me a beer while I stare across the room at Molly. I tried to talk to her earlier at the wedding ceremony, but she pretended like I didn’t exist and refused to even look at me. I’m not leaving this reception until she lets me apologize and explain.
“I don’t need dick drugs, Tyler, we were talking about a soufflé,” I clarify, watching Molly duck down under the head table again for probably the tenth time in the last few minutes.
What the hell is she doing?
“Is that like, French or something? I kind of like it. It sounds more dignified to say I fucked a soufflé,” he muses. “Is that gonna be in the next book? Can I get an advanced copy?”
I chug my beer for some liquid courage and prepare to head over to Molly, dragging her out of here if I need to.
“The next book is called Baking and Babies and has nothing to do with the fucking of desserts,” I tell him with a sigh.
“Baking babies? Dude, that’s hard-core. I mean, I know kids are annoying and shit, but cooking them? Can you even do that?” he asks.
I watch Molly pop back up from under the table and stand, wobbling a little as she clutches onto the back of her chair. She’s so fucking beautiful it makes me want to cry. I’ve heard women complain about being forced to wear ugly bridesmaid dresses, but there is nothing ugly about the short purple, satin strapless dress clinging to Molly’s body. Her hair is up in some fancy do with a few pieces hanging down around her face and my hands have been itching all day to pull out the pins holding it in place so I could watch the silky dark locks spill around her naked shoulders.
“I guess you can slather BBQ sauce on just about anything and it will taste good, but I just don’t know if I could stomach eating an actual baby, no matter what you baste it in.”
While Tyler continues to talk to himself, I shove my empty bottle at him start walking towards the head table.
“What about Ranch?” Tyler shouts after me. “I might eat a baby if you put Ranch on it.”
A few people try to stop and talk to me, but I ignore them and keep my eye on the prize. When I’m a few feet away from the head table, the DJ comes up behind Gavin and Charlotte and speaks into his microphone.
“If everyone could have a seat, we’re going to get started with the toasts before dinner is served,” he announces to the room.
The reception hall is filled with the sounds of chairs scraping across the floor as everyone sits down. With a quick glance around me, I realize I’m the only one still standing so I quickly grab an empty seat at the nearest table as the DJ hands the microphone to Molly.
She grabs it and moves to stand behind Gavin and Charlotte, swaying a little when she stops and I immediately realize what she was doing each time she disappeared out of sight under the table.
“This is going to be amazing. She’s so wasted,” Ava whispers with a laugh as she pulls up a chair next to me and flops down.
“Shouldn’t you be up there with the rest of the bridal party? And why the hell did you let her drink so much?” I ask in a quiet, angry voice.
Molly blows loudly into the microphone, the speakers screeching with feedback as everyone in the room winces from the ear piercing noise.
“I didn’t realize until five minutes ago that she’s been inhaling a bottle of vodka under the table since she got here,” Ava tells me while Molly giggles into the microphone and apologizes to everyone. “I went to get her some black coffee from the kitchen, but they haven’t brewed any yet.”
