Baking and Babies
Page 51
Mom jumps up from the couch. “I’ll get the dinner rolls!”
“I’ll get the frying pans and cutting boards!” Aunt Claire adds, following my mom into the kitchen.
“Can I be up to goal first? Maybe shooting a basket will unstick these Benjamin Balls from my vagina,” Aunt Jenny says as she waddles behind everyone else.
Marco stands and holds out his hand to help me up from the couch.
“Does your family ever do anything normal?” he asks as he wraps his arm around me and we head towards the dining room.
“Dammit, Tom Brady! Not in the mashed potatoes!” Uncle Drew shouts from the kitchen.
Marco laughs and I shake my head.
“Normal is overrated. They’re bat-shit crazy every day of their lives and that’s just the way it should be,” I tell him with a smile.
Many, many, many, many, many years later…
Claire and Carter Ellis went on to live a long and happy life together. Just like in a cheesy romantic movie, they died together in their home, peacefully in their sleep on their 75th wedding anniversary, after a celebratory game of Metamucil pong. Well, Carter snored up until the end and Claire gave him one last kick to the shin before she joined him.
Liz and Jim Gilmore passed away the weekend after their 78th wedding anniversary, suffering heart attacks at the same time when they decided to test out an entire new shipment of vibrators in one evening. They died quickly and without pain, in the porn room of the flagship Seduction and Snacks store.
Jenny and Drew Parritt died in the parking lot of the emergency room, next to their personalized parking space, when Jenny slipped on a sheet of ice trying to dislodge a whisk from her vagina and hit her head, which caused her to swallow the ball from the ball gag Drew’s arthritic fingers were unable to remove and she choked to death. Drew passed away shortly after, overexerted himself giving CRP. To her vagina. He choked on the whisk lodged in his favorite place.
Charlotte and Gavin Ellis went on to have two boys after Molly Marco, and Gavin has enjoyed every minute being a father, teaching his children not to give nut punches before lunch and making sure they understand just how dangerous to your life beer pong can be.
Ava and Tyler Branson got married a few years after the birth of their niece, Molly Marco, at BronyCon, in front of all of their friends and family. They bought a horse farm in the country where they went on to host their very own BronyCon every year, spreading the friendship is magic message. They too went on to have three children and Tyler is still holding a grudge that Ava wouldn’t let him name them Pinky Pie, Shutterfly and Applejack.
Molly and Marco Desoto enjoyed a quiet, non-crazy elopement on the island of St. Thomas on Molly’s twenty-fourth birthday. Even though they enjoyed the few weeks they spent with Cletus the Fetus, they decided never to have children of their own, fearing that Molly’s vagina would one day resemble an Arby’s Beef and Cheddar, minus the cheddar. Instead, they adopted two baby boys from broken homes who grew up to be Grand Theft Auto experts, and thanks to their mother, have never, ever collapsed a soufflé.
Sophia, Billy and Veronica…uh, yeah. We still have no idea what happened to them, but we assume they had good lives and lived happily ever after, just like the rest of the family.
The End.
