Beautiful Darkness
Page 21
I smiled back at her, but she looked down at her test, as if she would rather consider assonance and consonance than look at me. Like it actual y hurt to look at me -- or, worse, she just didn't want to.
When the bel rang, Jackson High turned into Mardi Gras. Girls peeled off their tank tops and went running through the parking lot in their bikini tops. Lockers were emptied, notebooks dumped into the trash. Talking turned into shouting, then screaming, as sophomores turned into juniors and juniors into seniors. Everyone final y had what they'd been waiting for al year -- freedom, and a fresh start.
Everyone but me.
Lena and I walked to the parking lot. Her bag swung as she walked, and we brushed against each other. I felt the electricity from months ago, but it was stil cold. She stepped to the side, avoiding me.
"So, how'd you do?" I was trying to make conversation, as if we were total strangers.
"What?"
"The English final."
"I probably failed it. I didn't real y do any of the reading." It was hard to imagine Lena not doing the reading for class, considering she had answered every question for months when we read To Kill a Mockingbird.
"Yeah? I aced it. I stole a copy of the test off Mrs. English's desk last week." It was a lie. I would have failed before I cheated in the House of Amma. But Lena wasn't listening anyway. I waved my hand in front of her eyes. "L? Are you listening to me?" I wanted to talk to her about the dream, but first I had to get her to notice I was here.
"Sorry. I have a lot on my mind." She looked away. It wasn't much, but it was more than I'd gotten out of her in weeks.
"Like what?"
She hesitated. "Nothing."
Nothing good? Or nothing you can talk about here?
She stopped walking and turned to face me, refusing to let me in. "We're leaving Gatlin. Al of us."
"What?" I hadn't seen this coming. Which must have been what she wanted. She was shutting me out so I couldn't see inside, where things were happening, where she hid the feelings she didn't want to share. I kept thinking she just needed time. I didn't realize it was time away from me.
"I didn't want to tel you. It's only for a few months."
"Does it have anything to do with --" The familiar panic in my stomach dropped like a stone.
"It has nothing to do with her." Lena looked down. "Gramma and Aunt Del think if I get away from Ravenwood, I might think about it less. About him less."
If I get away from you . That's what I heard.
"It doesn't work like that, Lena."
"What?"
"You aren't going to forget Macon by running away."
She tensed at the mention of his name. "Yeah? Is that what your books say? Where am I? Stage five? Six, tops?"
"Is that what you think?"
"Here's a stage for you. Leave it al behind and get away while you stil can. When do I get to that one?"
I stopped walking and looked at her. "Is that what you want?"
She twisted her charm necklace on the long silver chain, touching the littlest bits of us, the things we had done and seen together. She twisted it so tight, I thought for a minute it would snap. "I don't know. Part of me wants to leave and never come back, and part of me can't bear to go because he loved Ravenwood and left it to me."
Is that the only reason?
I waited for her to finish -- to say she didn't want to leave me. But she didn't.
I changed the subject. "Maybe that's why we're dreaming about that night."
"What are you talking about?" I had her attention.
"The dream we had last night, about your birthday. I mean, it seemed like your birthday except for the part when Sarafine kil ed me. It seemed so real. I even woke up with this." I held up my shirt.
Lena stared at the raised pink scar, creating a jagged line across my abdomen. She looked like she was going to pass out. Her face went pale, her expression panicked. It was the first time I had seen any kind of emotion in her eyes in weeks. "I don't know what you're talking about. I didn't have a dream last night." There was something about the way she said it, and the look on her face. She was serious.
"That's weird. Usual y we both do." I tried to sound calm, but I could feel my heart starting to pound. We had been having the same dreams since before we met. They were the reason for Macon's midnight visits to my room -- to take the pieces of my dreams he didn't want Lena to see. Macon had said our connection was so strong that Lena dreamed my dreams. What did it say about our connection if she couldn't anymore?
"It was the night of your birthday, and I heard you cal ing me. But when I got to the top of the crypt, Sarafine was there and she had a knife."
Lena looked like she was going to be sick. I probably should have stopped there, but I couldn't. I had to keep pushing, and I didn't even know why. "What happened that night, L? You never real y told me. Maybe that's why I'm dreaming about it now."
Ethan, I can't. Don't make me.
I couldn't believe it. There she was back in my mind, Kelting again. I tried to crack open the door, an inch further, and get back into hers.
We can talk about this. You have to talk to me.
Whatever Lena was feeling, she shook it off. I felt the door between our minds slam shut. "You know what happened. You fel , trying to climb onto the crypt, and you were knocked out."
When the bel rang, Jackson High turned into Mardi Gras. Girls peeled off their tank tops and went running through the parking lot in their bikini tops. Lockers were emptied, notebooks dumped into the trash. Talking turned into shouting, then screaming, as sophomores turned into juniors and juniors into seniors. Everyone final y had what they'd been waiting for al year -- freedom, and a fresh start.
Everyone but me.
Lena and I walked to the parking lot. Her bag swung as she walked, and we brushed against each other. I felt the electricity from months ago, but it was stil cold. She stepped to the side, avoiding me.
"So, how'd you do?" I was trying to make conversation, as if we were total strangers.
"What?"
"The English final."
"I probably failed it. I didn't real y do any of the reading." It was hard to imagine Lena not doing the reading for class, considering she had answered every question for months when we read To Kill a Mockingbird.
"Yeah? I aced it. I stole a copy of the test off Mrs. English's desk last week." It was a lie. I would have failed before I cheated in the House of Amma. But Lena wasn't listening anyway. I waved my hand in front of her eyes. "L? Are you listening to me?" I wanted to talk to her about the dream, but first I had to get her to notice I was here.
"Sorry. I have a lot on my mind." She looked away. It wasn't much, but it was more than I'd gotten out of her in weeks.
"Like what?"
She hesitated. "Nothing."
Nothing good? Or nothing you can talk about here?
She stopped walking and turned to face me, refusing to let me in. "We're leaving Gatlin. Al of us."
"What?" I hadn't seen this coming. Which must have been what she wanted. She was shutting me out so I couldn't see inside, where things were happening, where she hid the feelings she didn't want to share. I kept thinking she just needed time. I didn't realize it was time away from me.
"I didn't want to tel you. It's only for a few months."
"Does it have anything to do with --" The familiar panic in my stomach dropped like a stone.
"It has nothing to do with her." Lena looked down. "Gramma and Aunt Del think if I get away from Ravenwood, I might think about it less. About him less."
If I get away from you . That's what I heard.
"It doesn't work like that, Lena."
"What?"
"You aren't going to forget Macon by running away."
She tensed at the mention of his name. "Yeah? Is that what your books say? Where am I? Stage five? Six, tops?"
"Is that what you think?"
"Here's a stage for you. Leave it al behind and get away while you stil can. When do I get to that one?"
I stopped walking and looked at her. "Is that what you want?"
She twisted her charm necklace on the long silver chain, touching the littlest bits of us, the things we had done and seen together. She twisted it so tight, I thought for a minute it would snap. "I don't know. Part of me wants to leave and never come back, and part of me can't bear to go because he loved Ravenwood and left it to me."
Is that the only reason?
I waited for her to finish -- to say she didn't want to leave me. But she didn't.
I changed the subject. "Maybe that's why we're dreaming about that night."
"What are you talking about?" I had her attention.
"The dream we had last night, about your birthday. I mean, it seemed like your birthday except for the part when Sarafine kil ed me. It seemed so real. I even woke up with this." I held up my shirt.
Lena stared at the raised pink scar, creating a jagged line across my abdomen. She looked like she was going to pass out. Her face went pale, her expression panicked. It was the first time I had seen any kind of emotion in her eyes in weeks. "I don't know what you're talking about. I didn't have a dream last night." There was something about the way she said it, and the look on her face. She was serious.
"That's weird. Usual y we both do." I tried to sound calm, but I could feel my heart starting to pound. We had been having the same dreams since before we met. They were the reason for Macon's midnight visits to my room -- to take the pieces of my dreams he didn't want Lena to see. Macon had said our connection was so strong that Lena dreamed my dreams. What did it say about our connection if she couldn't anymore?
"It was the night of your birthday, and I heard you cal ing me. But when I got to the top of the crypt, Sarafine was there and she had a knife."
Lena looked like she was going to be sick. I probably should have stopped there, but I couldn't. I had to keep pushing, and I didn't even know why. "What happened that night, L? You never real y told me. Maybe that's why I'm dreaming about it now."
Ethan, I can't. Don't make me.
I couldn't believe it. There she was back in my mind, Kelting again. I tried to crack open the door, an inch further, and get back into hers.
We can talk about this. You have to talk to me.
Whatever Lena was feeling, she shook it off. I felt the door between our minds slam shut. "You know what happened. You fel , trying to climb onto the crypt, and you were knocked out."
