Beautiful Darkness
Page 82
"Not until I did it." He closed his eyes, but he didn't stop tossing the bal .
"What about your parents? Did they know?"
"I never knew my parents. They took off when I was little. Even Supernaturals know a freak when they see one." If he was lying, I couldn't tel . His voice was bitter and hurt, which sounded genuine to me.
Lena rol ed onto her side and propped herself up on her elbow so she could see him. "I'm sorry. That must have been awful. At least I had my gramma to take care of me." She looked at the bal and it froze in midair. "Now I don't have anyone."
The bal dropped to the floor. It bounced a few times and rol ed under the bed. John turned to look at her. "You have Ridley. And me."
"Trust me, once you get to know me, you won't be able to get away fast enough."
They were only inches apart now. "You're wrong. I know what it's like to feel alone even when you're with other people."
She didn't say anything. Is that what it was like when she was with me? Did she feel alone even when we were together? When she was in my arms?
"L?" I felt sick when he said it. "When we get to the Great Barrier, it's gonna be different, I promise."
"Most people say it doesn't exist."
"That's because they don't know how to find it. You can only get there through the Tunnels. I'm going to take you there." He lifted her chin so she could see into his eyes. "I know you're scared. But you have me, if you want me."
Lena looked away, wiping one of her eyes with the back of her hand. I could see the black designs, which looked darker now. Less like Sharpie and more like Ridley's and John's tattoos. She was staring right at me, but she couldn't see me. "I have to make sure I can't hurt anyone else. It doesn't matter what I want."
"It matters to me." John ran his thumb under her eye, catching her tears, leaning closer to her. "You can trust me. I'd never hurt you." He pul ed her to his chest, her head resting on his shoulder.
Can I?
I couldn't hear anything else, and it became harder to see her, like I was zooming out somehow. I blinked hard, trying to stay focused, but when I opened my eyes again, al I could see was the swirling blue ceiling. I turned on my side, facing the wal .
I was back in Aunt Caroline's room, and they were gone. Together, wherever they were.
Lena was moving on. She was opening up to John, and he was reaching a part of her I thought was gone. Maybe I was never meant to reach it.
Macon had lived in the Dark, and my mom in the Light.
Maybe we weren't meant to find a way that Mortals and Casters could be together, because we weren't meant to be.
Someone knocked on the door, even though it was open. "Ethan? Are you okay?" Liv. Her footsteps were quiet, but I could hear them. I didn't move.
The edge of the bed sank a little when she sat down. I felt her hand as she rubbed the back of my head. It was soothing and familiar, as if she'd done it a thousand times. That was the thing about Liv -- it was like I'd known her forever. She always seemed to sense what I needed, as if she knew things I didn't even know about myself.
"Ethan, it's going to be okay. We'l figure out what it al means, I promise." I knew she meant it.
I rol ed over. The sun had set, and the room was dark. I hadn't bothered to turn on the lights. But I could make out her silhouette as she stared down at me.
"I thought you weren't supposed to get involved."
"I'm not. It's the first thing Professor Ashcroft taught me." She paused. "But I can't help it."
"I know."
We stared at each other in the darkness, her hand resting against my jaw, where it had fal en when I rol ed over. But I was real y seeing her, the possibility of her, for the first time. I felt something. There was no denying it, and Liv felt it, too.
I could tel every time she looked at me.
Liv slid down and curled up against me, leaning her head on my shoulder.
My mom found a way to move on after Macon. She had fal en in love with my dad, which seemed to prove you could lose the love of your life and fal in love al over again.
Didn't it?
I heard a quiet whisper, not from inside my heart but a breath away from my ear. Liv leaned closer. "You'l figure this out, like everything else. Besides, you have something most Waywards don't have."
"Yeah? What's that?"
"An excel ent Keeper."
I slid my hand to the back of Liv's neck. Honeysuckle and soap -- that's what she smel ed like.
"Is that why you came? Because I needed a Keeper?"
She didn't answer right away. I could sense her trying to work it out in her mind. How much she should say, what she should risk. I knew that's what she was doing, because I was doing the same thing.
"It's not the only reason, but it should be."
"Because you aren't supposed to get involved?"
I could feel her heart beating against my chest. She fit under my shoulder perfectly.
"Because I don't want to get hurt." She was scared, but not of Dark Casters or mutant Incubuses or golden eyes. She was afraid of something simpler but equal y dangerous. Smal er but infinitely more powerful.
I pul ed her closer. "Me neither." Because I was afraid of it, too.
We didn't say anything else. I held her close, and I thought about al the ways a person could get hurt. The ways I could hurt her and hurt myself. Those two things were intertwined somehow. It's hard to explain, but when you were as closed off as I was the past few months, opening up felt about as wrong as stripping naked in church.
"What about your parents? Did they know?"
"I never knew my parents. They took off when I was little. Even Supernaturals know a freak when they see one." If he was lying, I couldn't tel . His voice was bitter and hurt, which sounded genuine to me.
Lena rol ed onto her side and propped herself up on her elbow so she could see him. "I'm sorry. That must have been awful. At least I had my gramma to take care of me." She looked at the bal and it froze in midair. "Now I don't have anyone."
The bal dropped to the floor. It bounced a few times and rol ed under the bed. John turned to look at her. "You have Ridley. And me."
"Trust me, once you get to know me, you won't be able to get away fast enough."
They were only inches apart now. "You're wrong. I know what it's like to feel alone even when you're with other people."
She didn't say anything. Is that what it was like when she was with me? Did she feel alone even when we were together? When she was in my arms?
"L?" I felt sick when he said it. "When we get to the Great Barrier, it's gonna be different, I promise."
"Most people say it doesn't exist."
"That's because they don't know how to find it. You can only get there through the Tunnels. I'm going to take you there." He lifted her chin so she could see into his eyes. "I know you're scared. But you have me, if you want me."
Lena looked away, wiping one of her eyes with the back of her hand. I could see the black designs, which looked darker now. Less like Sharpie and more like Ridley's and John's tattoos. She was staring right at me, but she couldn't see me. "I have to make sure I can't hurt anyone else. It doesn't matter what I want."
"It matters to me." John ran his thumb under her eye, catching her tears, leaning closer to her. "You can trust me. I'd never hurt you." He pul ed her to his chest, her head resting on his shoulder.
Can I?
I couldn't hear anything else, and it became harder to see her, like I was zooming out somehow. I blinked hard, trying to stay focused, but when I opened my eyes again, al I could see was the swirling blue ceiling. I turned on my side, facing the wal .
I was back in Aunt Caroline's room, and they were gone. Together, wherever they were.
Lena was moving on. She was opening up to John, and he was reaching a part of her I thought was gone. Maybe I was never meant to reach it.
Macon had lived in the Dark, and my mom in the Light.
Maybe we weren't meant to find a way that Mortals and Casters could be together, because we weren't meant to be.
Someone knocked on the door, even though it was open. "Ethan? Are you okay?" Liv. Her footsteps were quiet, but I could hear them. I didn't move.
The edge of the bed sank a little when she sat down. I felt her hand as she rubbed the back of my head. It was soothing and familiar, as if she'd done it a thousand times. That was the thing about Liv -- it was like I'd known her forever. She always seemed to sense what I needed, as if she knew things I didn't even know about myself.
"Ethan, it's going to be okay. We'l figure out what it al means, I promise." I knew she meant it.
I rol ed over. The sun had set, and the room was dark. I hadn't bothered to turn on the lights. But I could make out her silhouette as she stared down at me.
"I thought you weren't supposed to get involved."
"I'm not. It's the first thing Professor Ashcroft taught me." She paused. "But I can't help it."
"I know."
We stared at each other in the darkness, her hand resting against my jaw, where it had fal en when I rol ed over. But I was real y seeing her, the possibility of her, for the first time. I felt something. There was no denying it, and Liv felt it, too.
I could tel every time she looked at me.
Liv slid down and curled up against me, leaning her head on my shoulder.
My mom found a way to move on after Macon. She had fal en in love with my dad, which seemed to prove you could lose the love of your life and fal in love al over again.
Didn't it?
I heard a quiet whisper, not from inside my heart but a breath away from my ear. Liv leaned closer. "You'l figure this out, like everything else. Besides, you have something most Waywards don't have."
"Yeah? What's that?"
"An excel ent Keeper."
I slid my hand to the back of Liv's neck. Honeysuckle and soap -- that's what she smel ed like.
"Is that why you came? Because I needed a Keeper?"
She didn't answer right away. I could sense her trying to work it out in her mind. How much she should say, what she should risk. I knew that's what she was doing, because I was doing the same thing.
"It's not the only reason, but it should be."
"Because you aren't supposed to get involved?"
I could feel her heart beating against my chest. She fit under my shoulder perfectly.
"Because I don't want to get hurt." She was scared, but not of Dark Casters or mutant Incubuses or golden eyes. She was afraid of something simpler but equal y dangerous. Smal er but infinitely more powerful.
I pul ed her closer. "Me neither." Because I was afraid of it, too.
We didn't say anything else. I held her close, and I thought about al the ways a person could get hurt. The ways I could hurt her and hurt myself. Those two things were intertwined somehow. It's hard to explain, but when you were as closed off as I was the past few months, opening up felt about as wrong as stripping naked in church.
