Beautiful Player
Page 112
“I’m sorry,” she said, again. “Will . . .” she started and then the words fell away and she blinked down to her shoes.
I needed to understand what had happened, why everything had crumbled so abruptly after we’d made wildly intimate love only one week ago.
“That night,” I started, and then reconsidered. “No, Hanna, every night—it was always intense like that with us—but that night last weekend . . . I thought it all kind of changed. We changed. Then the next day? And the drive back? Fuck, I don’t even know what happened.”
She moved closer, close enough for me to pull her by her hips to stand between my legs, but I didn’t, and her hands fumbled at her sides before falling still.
“What happened was I heard what you said to Jensen,” she said. “I knew there were other women in your life, but I kind of thought that you had ended things with them. I know I’d avoided talking about it, and that it wasn’t fair of me to want that, but I thought you had.”
“I hadn’t ‘officially’ ended things, Hanna, but no one has been in my bed since you pulled me down that damn hall and asked to touch me. Fuck, not even before then.”
“But how was I supposed to know that?” She dropped her head, stared at the floor. “And hearing what you said to Jensen might have been okay—I knew we needed to talk—but then I saw the text in the car. It popped up when I was picking out music.” She stepped closer, pressing her thighs to my knees. “We’d had unprotected sex the night before, but then I saw her message, and it seemed like . . . like you were trying to hook up with her right after. I realized that Kitty still expected to be able to be with you, and I’d been trying—”
“I did not have sex with her on Tuesday, Hanna,” I interrupted, my blood racing with panic. “Yes, I texted her asking if we could meet, but it was so I could let her know things were over between us. It wasn’t like—”
“I know,” she said, quietly cutting me off. “She told me today that you haven’t been with her in a long time.”
I let this sink in for a minute and then sighed. I wasn’t sure I wanted to know what Kitty had told Hanna, but in the end, it didn’t matter. I didn’t have anything to hide. Yes, as someone who values being up front with people, I should have ended things cleanly with Kitty as soon as I told Hanna I wanted more, but I’d never lied to either of them, not once. I hadn’t lied when I told Kitty so many months ago that I didn’t want to dive into anything deeper. And I hadn’t lied to Hanna only a month ago when I told her I wanted more, and only from her.
“I was just trying to stick to your rules. I wasn’t going to bring up the relationship thing again because you’d determined I was incapable of it in the first place.”
“I know,” she said quickly. “I know.”
But that was it; her eyes searched mine, waiting for me to say . . . what? What could I say that I hadn’t said already? Hadn’t I laid it all out enough times?
With a tired sigh, I stood. “Do you want the first shower?” I asked. Things were so weird between us, and even when we were still virtual strangers, running together that first, freezing morning, it hadn’t ever been this way.
She had to step back to let me move past her. “No, it’s okay. Go ahead.”
I turned the water as hot as I could bear. I wasn’t sore yet from the run—probably wouldn’t get too sore anyway—but with the stress of wanting to make love to Hanna and wanting to throttle her at the same time, the hot water and the steam felt amazing.
It was possible she wanted things to be how they’d been before: sex, as friends. Comfortable without expectations. And I wanted her so intensely I knew how easy it would be to fall back into that, to enjoy her body and her friendship in equal measure, to never need or expect it to grow deeper.
But it wasn’t what I wanted anymore. Not from anyone, and especially not from her. I soaped up, closing my eyes and inhaling the steam, washing away the race and the sweat. Wishing I could wash away the twisted mess inside.
I heard the faint click of the shower door only a split second before cold air bit across my skin. Adrenaline slid into my veins, pumping through my heart, filling my head with a wildness that made me dizzy. I pressed my hand to the wall, afraid to turn and face her, and feel all my resolve melt. There was only a fraction of me I knew would be able to hold back. The rest would give her anything she asked for.
She whispered my name, closing the door and stepping close enough for me to feel the press of her naked br**sts against my back. Her skin was cool. She ran her hands up my sides, over my ribs.
I needed to understand what had happened, why everything had crumbled so abruptly after we’d made wildly intimate love only one week ago.
“That night,” I started, and then reconsidered. “No, Hanna, every night—it was always intense like that with us—but that night last weekend . . . I thought it all kind of changed. We changed. Then the next day? And the drive back? Fuck, I don’t even know what happened.”
She moved closer, close enough for me to pull her by her hips to stand between my legs, but I didn’t, and her hands fumbled at her sides before falling still.
“What happened was I heard what you said to Jensen,” she said. “I knew there were other women in your life, but I kind of thought that you had ended things with them. I know I’d avoided talking about it, and that it wasn’t fair of me to want that, but I thought you had.”
“I hadn’t ‘officially’ ended things, Hanna, but no one has been in my bed since you pulled me down that damn hall and asked to touch me. Fuck, not even before then.”
“But how was I supposed to know that?” She dropped her head, stared at the floor. “And hearing what you said to Jensen might have been okay—I knew we needed to talk—but then I saw the text in the car. It popped up when I was picking out music.” She stepped closer, pressing her thighs to my knees. “We’d had unprotected sex the night before, but then I saw her message, and it seemed like . . . like you were trying to hook up with her right after. I realized that Kitty still expected to be able to be with you, and I’d been trying—”
“I did not have sex with her on Tuesday, Hanna,” I interrupted, my blood racing with panic. “Yes, I texted her asking if we could meet, but it was so I could let her know things were over between us. It wasn’t like—”
“I know,” she said, quietly cutting me off. “She told me today that you haven’t been with her in a long time.”
I let this sink in for a minute and then sighed. I wasn’t sure I wanted to know what Kitty had told Hanna, but in the end, it didn’t matter. I didn’t have anything to hide. Yes, as someone who values being up front with people, I should have ended things cleanly with Kitty as soon as I told Hanna I wanted more, but I’d never lied to either of them, not once. I hadn’t lied when I told Kitty so many months ago that I didn’t want to dive into anything deeper. And I hadn’t lied to Hanna only a month ago when I told her I wanted more, and only from her.
“I was just trying to stick to your rules. I wasn’t going to bring up the relationship thing again because you’d determined I was incapable of it in the first place.”
“I know,” she said quickly. “I know.”
But that was it; her eyes searched mine, waiting for me to say . . . what? What could I say that I hadn’t said already? Hadn’t I laid it all out enough times?
With a tired sigh, I stood. “Do you want the first shower?” I asked. Things were so weird between us, and even when we were still virtual strangers, running together that first, freezing morning, it hadn’t ever been this way.
She had to step back to let me move past her. “No, it’s okay. Go ahead.”
I turned the water as hot as I could bear. I wasn’t sore yet from the run—probably wouldn’t get too sore anyway—but with the stress of wanting to make love to Hanna and wanting to throttle her at the same time, the hot water and the steam felt amazing.
It was possible she wanted things to be how they’d been before: sex, as friends. Comfortable without expectations. And I wanted her so intensely I knew how easy it would be to fall back into that, to enjoy her body and her friendship in equal measure, to never need or expect it to grow deeper.
But it wasn’t what I wanted anymore. Not from anyone, and especially not from her. I soaped up, closing my eyes and inhaling the steam, washing away the race and the sweat. Wishing I could wash away the twisted mess inside.
I heard the faint click of the shower door only a split second before cold air bit across my skin. Adrenaline slid into my veins, pumping through my heart, filling my head with a wildness that made me dizzy. I pressed my hand to the wall, afraid to turn and face her, and feel all my resolve melt. There was only a fraction of me I knew would be able to hold back. The rest would give her anything she asked for.
She whispered my name, closing the door and stepping close enough for me to feel the press of her naked br**sts against my back. Her skin was cool. She ran her hands up my sides, over my ribs.
