Becoming Calder
Page 22
I tossed and turned for a while longer. Hector's plan was to keep Calder close so he could monitor his every move. But would he expect me to be so bold as to seek him out in the night, especially after he had just been cleansed? I knew Hailey was in Hector's room tonight. Perhaps she was keeping him busy.
My feet swung out of the bed before my mind could even make a decision. Apparently, my body knew what it wanted, even if my brain wasn't sure it was such a wise idea.
I put the blanket at the end of my bed under my quilt and formed it into a semi-human shape and then tiptoed to my door and opened it very quietly. I looked down the hall and when I saw no one was there, I snuck out and closed the door behind me. I had to walk past Hector's door to get to the large stairway and when I got there, I paused and listened. I heard a masculine grunt and the very soft noise of what sounded like skin slapping against skin. I hurried past it to the top of the stairs.
Somewhere in the next wing I heard soft voices. I moved quickly down the stairway and across the large expanse of the two-story living room.
I moved through the empty kitchen and down the back hallway until I stood outside the laundry room. Everything was utterly quiet now.
I put my hand on the doorknob and turned it very slowly and opened it on a small squeak. I froze and waited and when no other sound came from anywhere in the house, I opened the door and slipped inside. A hand went over my mouth and an arm went around my waist. Calder's eyes were narrowed at me. He let out a breath and took his hand off my mouth.
"Are you crazy?" he whispered.
I threw my arms around his neck and buried my face at his throat and inhaled his delicious scent, calm washing over me. I nodded my head yes to answer his question.
He released a breath and brought his arms up and around me. I leaned back and whispered, "You're so close. I couldn't sleep. I—" His mouth came down on mine and he kissed me passionately, as if to tell me he had been feeling the same way.
After a few minutes, he broke away from my lips and put his forehead to mine, breathing harshly. "Eden, we can't risk this. Hector's . . . I don't know, like we talked about, he's different. I don't know if it's just what he's seen between us, or something that happened on his pilgrimage, or something more. But if we're going to get out of here, we have to be so careful."
"I know. Calder, what happened today? I was so worried about you. I thought you would drown. I didn't know what to do."
He put a finger to my lips, looking tenderly into my eyes. "I was fine. I'll fight if I need to, I promise. But you have to trust I'll know when that’s necessary and when it's not, all right?"
I nodded. "Okay."
He smiled again. "Okay." He looked over my shoulder for a minute and then back at me. "Today, Eden, when my head was under that water and I could just make out Hector's words, I . . ." he paused for a minute, seeming to collect his thoughts, "I don't know, this feeling of peace filled me, like I was being told everything was going to be okay. It was as if the gods weren't cruel or judgmental like Hector'd have us believe. I felt this feeling of acceptance. I felt like they were offering me strength to get out of here, to make a life for us. It's hard to explain. Do I sound oxygen deprived? Do I sound crazy?"
I smiled and shook my head. "No. What you're saying is the first rational-sounding thing I've ever heard. I think it was the God of Mercy whispering to you."
Calder chuckled. "It made it more clear to me that we need to get out of here as soon as possible. And that's why," he kissed my lips softly, "you can't be down here."
I let out a breath. "I know. I'll go in a minute. I just . . . I need you so much, Calder. I want you. I want all of you. And I want you to have all of me. I want you . . . inside of me." My eyes widened and so did his. "Maybe if you took me, and we told Hector . . . he'd make us leave."
"Shh, Eden," Calder said, smoothing my hair. "I’m not taking your virginity when it has anything to do with Hector at all. And if Hector made us leave today, we'd have to come begging back by morning." His jaw ticked. "When we leave, it has to be for good."
I nodded. He took me by my hand and led me to a blanket and a flat pillow that was lying on the ground under the window. Two dogs, overly friendly mutts that did nothing more than raise their heads and moan softly, lay on dog beds in front of the large washing machine, beds far more plush than what Calder had been given.
We sat down on the blanket and Calder lay back, bringing me with him so I was lying against his bare, muscular chest. I turned my nose into his skin and inhaled.
"I've always slept on the floor. This is no hardship for me. In fact, see this," Calder said, pointing his finger out the window, "now, I have a perfect view of the moon, and the city lights. I've never slept next to a window before. I've never had cool air that came right out of vents in the floor," he said, gesturing over to the other side of the room. "Soon, we're going to be out in that city, under that same moon." He wrapped both arms around me and pulled me tightly against him. "And when you go back to your room tonight, I'll know I'm closer to you than I was yesterday, and my bed will have your smell all over it." He smiled down at me and leaned forward and kissed my forehead.
"On the floor with dogs, or in a bed fit for a king," I whispered back, "I'd choose you, Calder. I'd sleep on a bed of nails if it meant I was touching you."
"Don't give Hector any ideas."
I laughed softly. "I mean it. I would." I leaned up on one elbow so I could see his face better. "Do you think there's a life out there for us?"
Calder paused for a few beats, looking down at me. "I'm going to make a life for us out there. A place for you and me. And until then, yes, I'm going to believe that there is."
I put my leg over his and snuggled into him again. "Someday we're going to sleep every night like this." I tilted my head, looking up at him.
"Yes," he agreed. The look on his face was so serious as he pushed a piece of hair off of my cheek. "I love you, Eden."
I blinked at him, my heart taking flight. "I love you, too," I whispered.
We lay there together, silent, the words "I love you" seeming to float in the air above me like silent music. After a few minutes, I leaned up and looked at him sadly. "I better get back."
He nodded. "If anyone sees you, tell them you were in the kitchen. They probably won't believe you, but—"
I sat up on my knees. "I won't let anyone see me." I hesitated for a second. "I hate watching him treat you the way he is."
Calder let out a breath. "It's okay. He's using me to prove a point to the rest of the people. As long as I know you're strong, I can play his game. I have to know you're not worrying about me, okay?"
I nodded. "Okay."
"Okay." Calder looked at me for a beat and frowned. "I don't like sending you out of here not knowing you'll get back to your room safely." He sat up and we both stood together. Calder leaned in and kissed me softly on my lips. "When you get back to your room, look out your window up at the moon. I'll be looking at it from here." He smoothed a piece of hair away from my face. "As long as we're both under the same moon, we'll always find a way to each other. The God of Mercy wouldn't have it any other way."
I let out a small laugh on a breath and leaned in and kissed his lips one last time. "Goodnight."
"Goodnight, Morning Glory."
I opened the door quietly and slipped through it. I snuck quietly through the great room and up the stairs. When I got to the top, Hector's door suddenly started opening and I ducked quickly into the room across from his, an empty guest room. I plastered myself up against the wall, my heart beating triple time. If Hector went down the hall to my room, would he look in and see me gone?
I squeezed my eyes shut tight. I heard Hailey say something from inside Hector's room and his voice answering as he moved back inside. I peeked around the corner and saw that his door was still open. I tiptoed hurriedly past it and down the hall to my own room where I opened the door and closed it quietly behind me, letting out my breath on a loud exhale.
I threw back the covers and removed the quilt and got in. Not two seconds later, my door opened and light from the hallway flooded in. I opened one eye just enough to see Hector's outline standing in my doorway, staring at me. I continued to pretend to sleep. After a long minute, my door closed and I heard his retreating footsteps. I rolled onto my back, attempting to get my wild heartbeat under control.
Had Hector checked on me before this? A shiver moved down my spine. Still, I couldn't help feeling thankful for the small amount of time I'd had with Calder. And thankful I hadn't been caught.
I turned over in bed and looked out my window, my heart slowing into a peaceful rhythm as I stared at that full moon I knew Calder was looking at, too.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
Calder
The next morning, I woke up as the rising sun hit my eyes through the uncovered window next to my bed. I groggily made my way outside, through the back door, where dew was still glistening on the ground. It'd burn off in the next hour or so, and no one who slept later than five thirty would ever know it had been there at all.
I went to the river where Hector still insisted I bathe. I knelt on the bank, splashed water on my face, and blew out a big breath, causing the water droplets to fly away from me in every direction, landing back in the water with a hundred tiny splashes. I bent and used my hand to bring the water over my head and behind my neck and then shook my head like a dog, sending water droplets into the air to land back in the water once again. I brought my shirt up to blot the remaining water from my face and neck and then started toward the outhouse all the way at the back of where the worker cabins sat, about a quarter of a mile away. I paused and looked back up at the main lodge behind me. No one would be up for at least an hour. Per Hector's rules, I had been trekking back and forth to the outhouse since I'd moved up to the main lodge, but who would know if I used the small bathroom all the way at the back of the house?
I returned to the main lodge and walked quietly to the small bathroom I'd only glimpsed inside on my way to the laundry room. I closed the door behind me as softly as possible and then looked around. There was no shower in here, just a toilet and a sink. I had never used indoor plumbing before, but it was easy enough to figure out what was what. Plus, I'd heard often enough the things others who had come from the big community missed once they were living in the worker cabins. I could see why. I turned the handle on the sink and water came flowing out. I startled back slightly and then turned the handle up, watching the water flow more quickly. I let it run for a minute, just watching it and marveling at how much easier something like this would make life in general. As I watched the water flow, I thought about that ridiculous irrigation system I had made to water our crops. As much as Hector talked about sacrifice and living off the land, he had probably been laughing inside at the simple stupidity of what I had come up with. Suddenly, that irrigation system seemed utterly ridiculous as I pictured myself down by the river hollowing out logs for months and months, my muscles burning and the sun beating down on my head. I started laughing, as silently as possible, leaning on the sink as I got a hold of my hilarity. I was laughing, but I had to. It was either that or cry in humiliation.
Once I got a hold of myself, I simply watched the water flow for another minute and then quietly shut it off.
The running water made me realize how much I needed to empty my bladder, so I used the toilet and then pushed down on the small silver handle. Water swirled and washed down the drain and then re-filled as I stood there staring down at it like some caveman who was seeing the modern world for the first time. Which, in actuality, was probably pretty accurate. I flushed it again, marveling once more as the water swirled and drained.
As I stood there, it hit me what stepping out into the big community was going to be like for me. If I was rendered incredulous by the workings of a toilet and sink, what was it going to be like for me to take in the many new and overwhelming things all at one time? It wouldn't be the same for Eden—she'd lived with running water and electricity, at the very least, her whole life. And it was going to be my job to take care of her, protect her. I was probably going to look like a bumbling fool. Anger coursed through me when I realized how unprepared Hector had left us to make any choice for our life other than to live here, in Acadia, for the rest of our days.
I leaned against the sink, picturing Eden's trusting eyes. Purpose filled me. It'd be overwhelming, yes, but I wouldn't let Hector decide the course of my life anymore. If the great floods really did come, I'd be washed away, but at least I'd be washed away in possession of my own freedom, and Eden would be washed away with hers, too. And wherever we ended up—in Elysium or in hell—we'd end up together.
I used the soap to wash my hands, rubbing the silky liquid between my palms and watching the bubbles form. The only soap I had ever used was a homemade concoction of herbs and oils, and it never lathered like this. I dried my hands slowly as I studied myself in the mirror. We didn't have mirrors in our home—vanity was sinful—so I had rarely seen my own reflection. I studied myself now, turning my face in different angles, touching the dark stubble on my jaw, and moving closer to examine my teeth. I took good care of my teeth, always cleaning them well with a rough cloth and salt, and chewing on mint leaves. I was lucky they were white and straight like Eden's. Not everyone here in Acadia was as lucky in the teeth department.
My feet swung out of the bed before my mind could even make a decision. Apparently, my body knew what it wanted, even if my brain wasn't sure it was such a wise idea.
I put the blanket at the end of my bed under my quilt and formed it into a semi-human shape and then tiptoed to my door and opened it very quietly. I looked down the hall and when I saw no one was there, I snuck out and closed the door behind me. I had to walk past Hector's door to get to the large stairway and when I got there, I paused and listened. I heard a masculine grunt and the very soft noise of what sounded like skin slapping against skin. I hurried past it to the top of the stairs.
Somewhere in the next wing I heard soft voices. I moved quickly down the stairway and across the large expanse of the two-story living room.
I moved through the empty kitchen and down the back hallway until I stood outside the laundry room. Everything was utterly quiet now.
I put my hand on the doorknob and turned it very slowly and opened it on a small squeak. I froze and waited and when no other sound came from anywhere in the house, I opened the door and slipped inside. A hand went over my mouth and an arm went around my waist. Calder's eyes were narrowed at me. He let out a breath and took his hand off my mouth.
"Are you crazy?" he whispered.
I threw my arms around his neck and buried my face at his throat and inhaled his delicious scent, calm washing over me. I nodded my head yes to answer his question.
He released a breath and brought his arms up and around me. I leaned back and whispered, "You're so close. I couldn't sleep. I—" His mouth came down on mine and he kissed me passionately, as if to tell me he had been feeling the same way.
After a few minutes, he broke away from my lips and put his forehead to mine, breathing harshly. "Eden, we can't risk this. Hector's . . . I don't know, like we talked about, he's different. I don't know if it's just what he's seen between us, or something that happened on his pilgrimage, or something more. But if we're going to get out of here, we have to be so careful."
"I know. Calder, what happened today? I was so worried about you. I thought you would drown. I didn't know what to do."
He put a finger to my lips, looking tenderly into my eyes. "I was fine. I'll fight if I need to, I promise. But you have to trust I'll know when that’s necessary and when it's not, all right?"
I nodded. "Okay."
He smiled again. "Okay." He looked over my shoulder for a minute and then back at me. "Today, Eden, when my head was under that water and I could just make out Hector's words, I . . ." he paused for a minute, seeming to collect his thoughts, "I don't know, this feeling of peace filled me, like I was being told everything was going to be okay. It was as if the gods weren't cruel or judgmental like Hector'd have us believe. I felt this feeling of acceptance. I felt like they were offering me strength to get out of here, to make a life for us. It's hard to explain. Do I sound oxygen deprived? Do I sound crazy?"
I smiled and shook my head. "No. What you're saying is the first rational-sounding thing I've ever heard. I think it was the God of Mercy whispering to you."
Calder chuckled. "It made it more clear to me that we need to get out of here as soon as possible. And that's why," he kissed my lips softly, "you can't be down here."
I let out a breath. "I know. I'll go in a minute. I just . . . I need you so much, Calder. I want you. I want all of you. And I want you to have all of me. I want you . . . inside of me." My eyes widened and so did his. "Maybe if you took me, and we told Hector . . . he'd make us leave."
"Shh, Eden," Calder said, smoothing my hair. "I’m not taking your virginity when it has anything to do with Hector at all. And if Hector made us leave today, we'd have to come begging back by morning." His jaw ticked. "When we leave, it has to be for good."
I nodded. He took me by my hand and led me to a blanket and a flat pillow that was lying on the ground under the window. Two dogs, overly friendly mutts that did nothing more than raise their heads and moan softly, lay on dog beds in front of the large washing machine, beds far more plush than what Calder had been given.
We sat down on the blanket and Calder lay back, bringing me with him so I was lying against his bare, muscular chest. I turned my nose into his skin and inhaled.
"I've always slept on the floor. This is no hardship for me. In fact, see this," Calder said, pointing his finger out the window, "now, I have a perfect view of the moon, and the city lights. I've never slept next to a window before. I've never had cool air that came right out of vents in the floor," he said, gesturing over to the other side of the room. "Soon, we're going to be out in that city, under that same moon." He wrapped both arms around me and pulled me tightly against him. "And when you go back to your room tonight, I'll know I'm closer to you than I was yesterday, and my bed will have your smell all over it." He smiled down at me and leaned forward and kissed my forehead.
"On the floor with dogs, or in a bed fit for a king," I whispered back, "I'd choose you, Calder. I'd sleep on a bed of nails if it meant I was touching you."
"Don't give Hector any ideas."
I laughed softly. "I mean it. I would." I leaned up on one elbow so I could see his face better. "Do you think there's a life out there for us?"
Calder paused for a few beats, looking down at me. "I'm going to make a life for us out there. A place for you and me. And until then, yes, I'm going to believe that there is."
I put my leg over his and snuggled into him again. "Someday we're going to sleep every night like this." I tilted my head, looking up at him.
"Yes," he agreed. The look on his face was so serious as he pushed a piece of hair off of my cheek. "I love you, Eden."
I blinked at him, my heart taking flight. "I love you, too," I whispered.
We lay there together, silent, the words "I love you" seeming to float in the air above me like silent music. After a few minutes, I leaned up and looked at him sadly. "I better get back."
He nodded. "If anyone sees you, tell them you were in the kitchen. They probably won't believe you, but—"
I sat up on my knees. "I won't let anyone see me." I hesitated for a second. "I hate watching him treat you the way he is."
Calder let out a breath. "It's okay. He's using me to prove a point to the rest of the people. As long as I know you're strong, I can play his game. I have to know you're not worrying about me, okay?"
I nodded. "Okay."
"Okay." Calder looked at me for a beat and frowned. "I don't like sending you out of here not knowing you'll get back to your room safely." He sat up and we both stood together. Calder leaned in and kissed me softly on my lips. "When you get back to your room, look out your window up at the moon. I'll be looking at it from here." He smoothed a piece of hair away from my face. "As long as we're both under the same moon, we'll always find a way to each other. The God of Mercy wouldn't have it any other way."
I let out a small laugh on a breath and leaned in and kissed his lips one last time. "Goodnight."
"Goodnight, Morning Glory."
I opened the door quietly and slipped through it. I snuck quietly through the great room and up the stairs. When I got to the top, Hector's door suddenly started opening and I ducked quickly into the room across from his, an empty guest room. I plastered myself up against the wall, my heart beating triple time. If Hector went down the hall to my room, would he look in and see me gone?
I squeezed my eyes shut tight. I heard Hailey say something from inside Hector's room and his voice answering as he moved back inside. I peeked around the corner and saw that his door was still open. I tiptoed hurriedly past it and down the hall to my own room where I opened the door and closed it quietly behind me, letting out my breath on a loud exhale.
I threw back the covers and removed the quilt and got in. Not two seconds later, my door opened and light from the hallway flooded in. I opened one eye just enough to see Hector's outline standing in my doorway, staring at me. I continued to pretend to sleep. After a long minute, my door closed and I heard his retreating footsteps. I rolled onto my back, attempting to get my wild heartbeat under control.
Had Hector checked on me before this? A shiver moved down my spine. Still, I couldn't help feeling thankful for the small amount of time I'd had with Calder. And thankful I hadn't been caught.
I turned over in bed and looked out my window, my heart slowing into a peaceful rhythm as I stared at that full moon I knew Calder was looking at, too.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
Calder
The next morning, I woke up as the rising sun hit my eyes through the uncovered window next to my bed. I groggily made my way outside, through the back door, where dew was still glistening on the ground. It'd burn off in the next hour or so, and no one who slept later than five thirty would ever know it had been there at all.
I went to the river where Hector still insisted I bathe. I knelt on the bank, splashed water on my face, and blew out a big breath, causing the water droplets to fly away from me in every direction, landing back in the water with a hundred tiny splashes. I bent and used my hand to bring the water over my head and behind my neck and then shook my head like a dog, sending water droplets into the air to land back in the water once again. I brought my shirt up to blot the remaining water from my face and neck and then started toward the outhouse all the way at the back of where the worker cabins sat, about a quarter of a mile away. I paused and looked back up at the main lodge behind me. No one would be up for at least an hour. Per Hector's rules, I had been trekking back and forth to the outhouse since I'd moved up to the main lodge, but who would know if I used the small bathroom all the way at the back of the house?
I returned to the main lodge and walked quietly to the small bathroom I'd only glimpsed inside on my way to the laundry room. I closed the door behind me as softly as possible and then looked around. There was no shower in here, just a toilet and a sink. I had never used indoor plumbing before, but it was easy enough to figure out what was what. Plus, I'd heard often enough the things others who had come from the big community missed once they were living in the worker cabins. I could see why. I turned the handle on the sink and water came flowing out. I startled back slightly and then turned the handle up, watching the water flow more quickly. I let it run for a minute, just watching it and marveling at how much easier something like this would make life in general. As I watched the water flow, I thought about that ridiculous irrigation system I had made to water our crops. As much as Hector talked about sacrifice and living off the land, he had probably been laughing inside at the simple stupidity of what I had come up with. Suddenly, that irrigation system seemed utterly ridiculous as I pictured myself down by the river hollowing out logs for months and months, my muscles burning and the sun beating down on my head. I started laughing, as silently as possible, leaning on the sink as I got a hold of my hilarity. I was laughing, but I had to. It was either that or cry in humiliation.
Once I got a hold of myself, I simply watched the water flow for another minute and then quietly shut it off.
The running water made me realize how much I needed to empty my bladder, so I used the toilet and then pushed down on the small silver handle. Water swirled and washed down the drain and then re-filled as I stood there staring down at it like some caveman who was seeing the modern world for the first time. Which, in actuality, was probably pretty accurate. I flushed it again, marveling once more as the water swirled and drained.
As I stood there, it hit me what stepping out into the big community was going to be like for me. If I was rendered incredulous by the workings of a toilet and sink, what was it going to be like for me to take in the many new and overwhelming things all at one time? It wouldn't be the same for Eden—she'd lived with running water and electricity, at the very least, her whole life. And it was going to be my job to take care of her, protect her. I was probably going to look like a bumbling fool. Anger coursed through me when I realized how unprepared Hector had left us to make any choice for our life other than to live here, in Acadia, for the rest of our days.
I leaned against the sink, picturing Eden's trusting eyes. Purpose filled me. It'd be overwhelming, yes, but I wouldn't let Hector decide the course of my life anymore. If the great floods really did come, I'd be washed away, but at least I'd be washed away in possession of my own freedom, and Eden would be washed away with hers, too. And wherever we ended up—in Elysium or in hell—we'd end up together.
I used the soap to wash my hands, rubbing the silky liquid between my palms and watching the bubbles form. The only soap I had ever used was a homemade concoction of herbs and oils, and it never lathered like this. I dried my hands slowly as I studied myself in the mirror. We didn't have mirrors in our home—vanity was sinful—so I had rarely seen my own reflection. I studied myself now, turning my face in different angles, touching the dark stubble on my jaw, and moving closer to examine my teeth. I took good care of my teeth, always cleaning them well with a rough cloth and salt, and chewing on mint leaves. I was lucky they were white and straight like Eden's. Not everyone here in Acadia was as lucky in the teeth department.
