Becoming Calder
Page 24
Hector continued to hold eye contact with me as he spoke to the congregation. "Despite the fact his baptism was just yesterday, Calder Raynes has committed the sin of selfishness, and has disrespected a council member by using physical violence against him."
Hector turned to the crowd. "Is physical violence acceptable from one of the blessed people of the gods?"
"No, Father," the people said.
Hector looked down. "No, no it's not. Do we all feel safe here when there is an undisciplined person living among us?"
"No, Father."
"Does sin and disobedience harm us all?"
"Yes, Father."
"Yes. Yes it does. And so it pains me, it breaks my very heart, but Calder must kneel on the punishment board for the rest of my sermon and then he must serve one day in the people's jail underground for his transgressions. This pains me as much as it will pain you, son, my once-trusted water bearer."
I felt rage, disbelief. I felt like I might lunge at Hector.
"Or perhaps," Hector went on, "you are so selfish that you'd have someone else bear your punishment for you? Perhaps," he waved his arm out to the crowd, "perhaps your mother?"
I forced my expression to go blank. "I take my punishment happily, Father," I said, my voice especially raspy, even to my own ears.
I sat there incredulous as Clive Richter stood to get the board, shooting me a triumphant look as he walked past me, and then placed it on the floor to the right of Hector, where I was meant to kneel with my back to the people, in humiliation and shame. I felt sad my parents and Maya had to witness this and might believe the charges brought against me. But, I couldn't feel shame about what I had done to Clive. I'd said I'd take my punishment happily, and I would.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
Eden
Fear and horror gripped me as Calder stood slowly, his jaw tense and his eyes unreadable. He walked to the board and began to kneel down on it. He paused in his movement, his eyes narrowing at something on the board and a confused look passing over his features. But I couldn't tell what he was seeing from where I was. His eyes moved to Clive Richter's and he stared at him as he kneeled, a very brief flash of pain moving across his face before it again went blank.
What was happening? I didn't understand.
My body leaned forward, wanting to go to him on its own accord, but his eyes shot to mine, warning me to stay still. I clasped my hands in my lap and looked away miserably. His message was clear: if I said anything, I would only make it worse for him and for myself. I was helpless. I wanted to scream.
When I looked back at him again, my eyes widened in shock when I saw blood pooling on the metal beneath Calder's knees and shins. This form of punishment had been used before in the Temple, but bleeding had never occurred. Something was wrong. Something had been done to the mat to make it cause injury. And yet, Calder endured it, his back straight and his body unmoving, but I saw the sweat trickle down the side of his face. It was taking him great effort to kneel there, suffering, without it showing on his face. I didn't know if he held a look of cool indifference on his face, for me, for himself, or for the people around him, but clearly, it was costing him dearly. Oh, Calder.
For the next hour, I sat silently, tortured inside, while Calder kneeled in front of me, blood pooling until it ran off the metal and onto the marble floor of the stage as if in slow motion, the blood falling drip by drip, echoing through the room during moments of silence. Hector preached on, quoting mostly from his own Holy Book about selfishness and Satan and those who commit sin. I heard only a few words here and there as I said my own prayers to the gods to be merciful, to send strength to Calder, to make the time pass more quickly for him.
Once we're out of here . . . once we're safe, I said to Calder in my mind, I'm going to look at the scars that will surely be on your knees and your legs, remembering the bravery you showed while the wounds were forming, and I'm NOT going to feel sadness. I'm going to feel only one thing. Pride.
When I came back to myself, Hector was saying the final prayer, the crowd speaking it along with him. I looked around at the people and saw many of them were looking uncomfortably toward Calder as the blood rolled slowly across the marble floor. I looked at the men—some of them much bigger and stronger than Hector. This is wrong, and not one of you is doing anything, I thought. Not one.
I found Calder's family in the group and saw his father and mother looking solemnly ahead while Maya's face was turned into her father’s chest.
I found Xander in the group and a look of blatant hatred was on his face as he stared at Hector. I caught his eye, his expression gentled very slightly, and he nodded his head once as if to say, "We have a plan. Hold tight."
Hector finally turned to Calder. "You may rise, Water Bearer." He looked down at the blood. "The gods believed you needed an extra harsh punishment for your crimes. And who are we to argue with them?" He looked around at the crowd, apparently no one believing they were anyone to argue with them.
"But blood stops running eventually and wounds heal. If you have learned from your actions, then the physical pain was worthwhile. Was it worthwhile, Water Bearer?"
"Yes, Father," Calder said in a strong, unwavering voice.
Hector paused. "Very well. You may rise and face your family. Please offer them an apology."
Calder remained unmoving for a minute, finally leaning forward and putting his palms on the floor before lifting one knee and then the other, each one sticking briefly before he pulled his broken flesh loose. I saw agony cross his features before he again schooled his expression and stood slowly, unbending each leg. My eyes, locked on his face until then, moved down to his knees and I brought my hands up to my mouth, so not to cry out. The flesh was broken and mangled as if each metal bump on the mat had been filed down until each one was a piece of raw, jagged metal. Small rivulets of blood ran from each wound. Calder stood to his full height and turned to face everyone.
"I offer you my apologies for my selfish behavior and I'm sorry you had to endure what happened here today. I'll be considering my actions as I sit in jail."
"Now turn and offer the council an apology as well," Hector instructed.
Calder turned slowly. I didn't look at his legs again. I looked only at his face. He didn't look at me. His eyes were on Clive Richter as he said, "I offer you my apologies, and regret my need to prove that some people in this world are made stronger than others. My actions were purely selfish."
Clive narrowed his eyes, but remained silent. Hector waved his arm indicating the council should begin the exit of the Temple. We each stood up and filed out. I kept my head raised high, not making eye contact with anyone as we exited the building.
I looked back once as I climbed up into the carriage that brought Hector and me to and from Temple each week and saw Calder walking up the aisle, his lower legs a blur of red, looking straight ahead as I had done.
**********
I spent the rest of the day in my room, sitting grief stricken on my bed. What was Calder feeling right now? Were they mending his legs, or was he sitting alone, bloody, and uncared for? I didn't know how I could bear the not knowing, but guilt filled me at the thought alone. Calder was the one who was suffering.
An hour or so before dinner, there was a soft knock on my door and I stood up to answer it. It was Hailey.
"Are you okay?" she asked, taking my hand in hers as we sat down on my bed.
I couldn't help it. Tears came to my eyes and I shook my head, no.
"I see the way you look at him, Eden. Everyone does."
My face crumbled and I blurted out, "I love him, Hailey. I'm in love with him." I hadn't thought about saying it, but Hailey's comforting face made a spear of neediness lance down my spine. I was desperate for someone to talk to.
Hailey's face paled. "Oh, Eden. How could you? How could you let this happen?"
"I couldn't help it. There was nothing I could do to stop it."
"You could have stayed away from him."
I shook my head. "I didn't want to. I want nothing else but to be with him."
Hailey sat up taller, pursing her lips for a second. "Then you've been selfish. You've put us all in a terrible position. You've risked our future—our destiny—by following your own selfish heart."
I felt a thud in my spirit and a heaviness pressed against my chest.
"If I only achieve a spot in paradise by ignoring the desires of my own heart, then I reject paradise," I choked through my tears.
"And what about the rest of us?"
I stood up. "What about the rest of you? You all depend on my misery for your deliverance? You wish for me to sacrifice my deepest heart's desire so you can rule with the gods eternally? Isn't that selfish as well?"
Hailey stood up. "You will rule with the gods eternally, too, Eden."
"I don't want to rule with the gods if it means I have to do it without Calder. I'd rather burn in hell," I hissed.
The fight seemed to go out of Hailey as her shoulders drooped and she looked to the left of me, out my window.
"This is in part my fault. I gave you too much freedom and look what happened."
Tears pricked my eyes again. "You're the only one who was ever kind to me here . . . the only one who has ever . . . who has ever showed me any love." I reached for Hailey's hand, but she pulled it away. "Please, Hailey, you've been like a mother to me when I needed one so badly. Please don't hate me. Please try to understand. Please help me," I whispered the last sentence.
"And who will help the rest of us?"
I blinked at her. "What if Hector's wrong about the flood? What if . . . what if it doesn't come to pass?"
She shook her head. "It will. Hector, he . . . knows things. His marriage to you and the foretelling of the flood is the one thing that has never changed. He is very sure, and so am I."
I looked down at the floor, tears still rolling down my cheeks. "I'm sorry." I didn't know what else to say. I looked back up at her. "Please, please don't tell Hector what I've said."
"I would never tell Hector. He'd punish us both. And rightly so."
I looked down, ashamed.
"I'll tell everyone you're not feeling well and won't be at dinner tonight. I think it's best that way," she said.
"Okay," I croaked, knowing she was saying she didn't want to look at me anymore that day.
Hailey turned and walked out of the room. I sunk back down on my bed and put my face in my hands and sobbed. I'd been so happy Hailey and her boys would remain in our wing of the main lodge, even when Mother Miriam returned. But now Hailey was disgusted with me, too. I felt overwhelmed by loneliness and despair.
A little while later, I looked out my window to see Xander walking away from the main lodge, looking back over his shoulder.
I snuck downstairs, listening toward the large dining room where I heard the sounds of everyone eating dinner. I opened the front door quietly and moved down the front stairs to the plantings below. I looked around and then reached inside the bush, removing a folded up piece of paper. I stuffed it in my skirt pocket and returned to my room where I unfolded it.
Eden,
I think you'll agree, that after what happened today, we need to leave here as soon as possible. Two months from today at the very latest. When you hear the call of a nighthawk, three times in a row, pause, and then twice, you'll know it's time to meet Calder and me at the spring. Make sure no one follows you.
In the meantime, if you see any money lying around, and if it's not too risky to take it, do it. We'll need all we can get, every cent.
Xander
Two months? I took in a deep, shaky breath. Two months seemed like an unbearable time to wait; I had no other choice but to try to be patient. I would try my best not to look at Calder with the love I felt in my heart. And I'd pray the next two months went by without incident.
I didn't put this letter with the ones Calder had given me, the ones I couldn't seem to part with. Instead, I lit a candle on my dresser and held the paper by the edge as it burned. When it was just a small burning corner, I let it fall into the large glass container the candle was in. I blew it out, went back to the window, and stood there simply staring out, thinking of Calder, and trying to picture us far, far away.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
Calder
I sat inside the jail room at the far end of the cellar area. I'd never been in here before, but I'd heard it was a cold, miserable little space that made repenting quickly an easy choice. What I'd heard had been true. It was small and cold, a rusty drain in the corner to piss in, a musty, rotten stench in the air. The only thing to sit on was a narrow concrete bench where I now sat with my throbbing legs stretched out straight. I grimaced as I adjusted them, thankful I didn't have the added element of holding the pain inside now. Someone had shaved or altered the bumps off that piece of metal and my bet was on Clive Richter. But if he thought I was going to give him the pleasure of seeing my pain, he was wrong. Holes in my legs would heal, no matter how bloody they looked now.
I heard the key in the lock of the thick metal door and looked up as a small, old woman with frizzy white hair was let in and then the door was closed and locked again.
"Mother Willa," I said, starting to stand.
She made a sound of impatience, waving her hand to indicate I should stay seated. I sunk back down.
She opened a large, crochet bag she had slung over her shoulder and started taking out small fabric pouches, and a little bowl that looked like it had once been a rock of some sort. As she mixed various items together with a small amount of water in her bowl, a strong herbal smell rose around me. She began smashing it and mixing it together until it was a dark green paste. She came closer to me and set it down as she examined my legs, making tsk-tsking sounds as she used her hands gently to turn them this way and that.
Hector turned to the crowd. "Is physical violence acceptable from one of the blessed people of the gods?"
"No, Father," the people said.
Hector looked down. "No, no it's not. Do we all feel safe here when there is an undisciplined person living among us?"
"No, Father."
"Does sin and disobedience harm us all?"
"Yes, Father."
"Yes. Yes it does. And so it pains me, it breaks my very heart, but Calder must kneel on the punishment board for the rest of my sermon and then he must serve one day in the people's jail underground for his transgressions. This pains me as much as it will pain you, son, my once-trusted water bearer."
I felt rage, disbelief. I felt like I might lunge at Hector.
"Or perhaps," Hector went on, "you are so selfish that you'd have someone else bear your punishment for you? Perhaps," he waved his arm out to the crowd, "perhaps your mother?"
I forced my expression to go blank. "I take my punishment happily, Father," I said, my voice especially raspy, even to my own ears.
I sat there incredulous as Clive Richter stood to get the board, shooting me a triumphant look as he walked past me, and then placed it on the floor to the right of Hector, where I was meant to kneel with my back to the people, in humiliation and shame. I felt sad my parents and Maya had to witness this and might believe the charges brought against me. But, I couldn't feel shame about what I had done to Clive. I'd said I'd take my punishment happily, and I would.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
Eden
Fear and horror gripped me as Calder stood slowly, his jaw tense and his eyes unreadable. He walked to the board and began to kneel down on it. He paused in his movement, his eyes narrowing at something on the board and a confused look passing over his features. But I couldn't tell what he was seeing from where I was. His eyes moved to Clive Richter's and he stared at him as he kneeled, a very brief flash of pain moving across his face before it again went blank.
What was happening? I didn't understand.
My body leaned forward, wanting to go to him on its own accord, but his eyes shot to mine, warning me to stay still. I clasped my hands in my lap and looked away miserably. His message was clear: if I said anything, I would only make it worse for him and for myself. I was helpless. I wanted to scream.
When I looked back at him again, my eyes widened in shock when I saw blood pooling on the metal beneath Calder's knees and shins. This form of punishment had been used before in the Temple, but bleeding had never occurred. Something was wrong. Something had been done to the mat to make it cause injury. And yet, Calder endured it, his back straight and his body unmoving, but I saw the sweat trickle down the side of his face. It was taking him great effort to kneel there, suffering, without it showing on his face. I didn't know if he held a look of cool indifference on his face, for me, for himself, or for the people around him, but clearly, it was costing him dearly. Oh, Calder.
For the next hour, I sat silently, tortured inside, while Calder kneeled in front of me, blood pooling until it ran off the metal and onto the marble floor of the stage as if in slow motion, the blood falling drip by drip, echoing through the room during moments of silence. Hector preached on, quoting mostly from his own Holy Book about selfishness and Satan and those who commit sin. I heard only a few words here and there as I said my own prayers to the gods to be merciful, to send strength to Calder, to make the time pass more quickly for him.
Once we're out of here . . . once we're safe, I said to Calder in my mind, I'm going to look at the scars that will surely be on your knees and your legs, remembering the bravery you showed while the wounds were forming, and I'm NOT going to feel sadness. I'm going to feel only one thing. Pride.
When I came back to myself, Hector was saying the final prayer, the crowd speaking it along with him. I looked around at the people and saw many of them were looking uncomfortably toward Calder as the blood rolled slowly across the marble floor. I looked at the men—some of them much bigger and stronger than Hector. This is wrong, and not one of you is doing anything, I thought. Not one.
I found Calder's family in the group and saw his father and mother looking solemnly ahead while Maya's face was turned into her father’s chest.
I found Xander in the group and a look of blatant hatred was on his face as he stared at Hector. I caught his eye, his expression gentled very slightly, and he nodded his head once as if to say, "We have a plan. Hold tight."
Hector finally turned to Calder. "You may rise, Water Bearer." He looked down at the blood. "The gods believed you needed an extra harsh punishment for your crimes. And who are we to argue with them?" He looked around at the crowd, apparently no one believing they were anyone to argue with them.
"But blood stops running eventually and wounds heal. If you have learned from your actions, then the physical pain was worthwhile. Was it worthwhile, Water Bearer?"
"Yes, Father," Calder said in a strong, unwavering voice.
Hector paused. "Very well. You may rise and face your family. Please offer them an apology."
Calder remained unmoving for a minute, finally leaning forward and putting his palms on the floor before lifting one knee and then the other, each one sticking briefly before he pulled his broken flesh loose. I saw agony cross his features before he again schooled his expression and stood slowly, unbending each leg. My eyes, locked on his face until then, moved down to his knees and I brought my hands up to my mouth, so not to cry out. The flesh was broken and mangled as if each metal bump on the mat had been filed down until each one was a piece of raw, jagged metal. Small rivulets of blood ran from each wound. Calder stood to his full height and turned to face everyone.
"I offer you my apologies for my selfish behavior and I'm sorry you had to endure what happened here today. I'll be considering my actions as I sit in jail."
"Now turn and offer the council an apology as well," Hector instructed.
Calder turned slowly. I didn't look at his legs again. I looked only at his face. He didn't look at me. His eyes were on Clive Richter as he said, "I offer you my apologies, and regret my need to prove that some people in this world are made stronger than others. My actions were purely selfish."
Clive narrowed his eyes, but remained silent. Hector waved his arm indicating the council should begin the exit of the Temple. We each stood up and filed out. I kept my head raised high, not making eye contact with anyone as we exited the building.
I looked back once as I climbed up into the carriage that brought Hector and me to and from Temple each week and saw Calder walking up the aisle, his lower legs a blur of red, looking straight ahead as I had done.
**********
I spent the rest of the day in my room, sitting grief stricken on my bed. What was Calder feeling right now? Were they mending his legs, or was he sitting alone, bloody, and uncared for? I didn't know how I could bear the not knowing, but guilt filled me at the thought alone. Calder was the one who was suffering.
An hour or so before dinner, there was a soft knock on my door and I stood up to answer it. It was Hailey.
"Are you okay?" she asked, taking my hand in hers as we sat down on my bed.
I couldn't help it. Tears came to my eyes and I shook my head, no.
"I see the way you look at him, Eden. Everyone does."
My face crumbled and I blurted out, "I love him, Hailey. I'm in love with him." I hadn't thought about saying it, but Hailey's comforting face made a spear of neediness lance down my spine. I was desperate for someone to talk to.
Hailey's face paled. "Oh, Eden. How could you? How could you let this happen?"
"I couldn't help it. There was nothing I could do to stop it."
"You could have stayed away from him."
I shook my head. "I didn't want to. I want nothing else but to be with him."
Hailey sat up taller, pursing her lips for a second. "Then you've been selfish. You've put us all in a terrible position. You've risked our future—our destiny—by following your own selfish heart."
I felt a thud in my spirit and a heaviness pressed against my chest.
"If I only achieve a spot in paradise by ignoring the desires of my own heart, then I reject paradise," I choked through my tears.
"And what about the rest of us?"
I stood up. "What about the rest of you? You all depend on my misery for your deliverance? You wish for me to sacrifice my deepest heart's desire so you can rule with the gods eternally? Isn't that selfish as well?"
Hailey stood up. "You will rule with the gods eternally, too, Eden."
"I don't want to rule with the gods if it means I have to do it without Calder. I'd rather burn in hell," I hissed.
The fight seemed to go out of Hailey as her shoulders drooped and she looked to the left of me, out my window.
"This is in part my fault. I gave you too much freedom and look what happened."
Tears pricked my eyes again. "You're the only one who was ever kind to me here . . . the only one who has ever . . . who has ever showed me any love." I reached for Hailey's hand, but she pulled it away. "Please, Hailey, you've been like a mother to me when I needed one so badly. Please don't hate me. Please try to understand. Please help me," I whispered the last sentence.
"And who will help the rest of us?"
I blinked at her. "What if Hector's wrong about the flood? What if . . . what if it doesn't come to pass?"
She shook her head. "It will. Hector, he . . . knows things. His marriage to you and the foretelling of the flood is the one thing that has never changed. He is very sure, and so am I."
I looked down at the floor, tears still rolling down my cheeks. "I'm sorry." I didn't know what else to say. I looked back up at her. "Please, please don't tell Hector what I've said."
"I would never tell Hector. He'd punish us both. And rightly so."
I looked down, ashamed.
"I'll tell everyone you're not feeling well and won't be at dinner tonight. I think it's best that way," she said.
"Okay," I croaked, knowing she was saying she didn't want to look at me anymore that day.
Hailey turned and walked out of the room. I sunk back down on my bed and put my face in my hands and sobbed. I'd been so happy Hailey and her boys would remain in our wing of the main lodge, even when Mother Miriam returned. But now Hailey was disgusted with me, too. I felt overwhelmed by loneliness and despair.
A little while later, I looked out my window to see Xander walking away from the main lodge, looking back over his shoulder.
I snuck downstairs, listening toward the large dining room where I heard the sounds of everyone eating dinner. I opened the front door quietly and moved down the front stairs to the plantings below. I looked around and then reached inside the bush, removing a folded up piece of paper. I stuffed it in my skirt pocket and returned to my room where I unfolded it.
Eden,
I think you'll agree, that after what happened today, we need to leave here as soon as possible. Two months from today at the very latest. When you hear the call of a nighthawk, three times in a row, pause, and then twice, you'll know it's time to meet Calder and me at the spring. Make sure no one follows you.
In the meantime, if you see any money lying around, and if it's not too risky to take it, do it. We'll need all we can get, every cent.
Xander
Two months? I took in a deep, shaky breath. Two months seemed like an unbearable time to wait; I had no other choice but to try to be patient. I would try my best not to look at Calder with the love I felt in my heart. And I'd pray the next two months went by without incident.
I didn't put this letter with the ones Calder had given me, the ones I couldn't seem to part with. Instead, I lit a candle on my dresser and held the paper by the edge as it burned. When it was just a small burning corner, I let it fall into the large glass container the candle was in. I blew it out, went back to the window, and stood there simply staring out, thinking of Calder, and trying to picture us far, far away.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
Calder
I sat inside the jail room at the far end of the cellar area. I'd never been in here before, but I'd heard it was a cold, miserable little space that made repenting quickly an easy choice. What I'd heard had been true. It was small and cold, a rusty drain in the corner to piss in, a musty, rotten stench in the air. The only thing to sit on was a narrow concrete bench where I now sat with my throbbing legs stretched out straight. I grimaced as I adjusted them, thankful I didn't have the added element of holding the pain inside now. Someone had shaved or altered the bumps off that piece of metal and my bet was on Clive Richter. But if he thought I was going to give him the pleasure of seeing my pain, he was wrong. Holes in my legs would heal, no matter how bloody they looked now.
I heard the key in the lock of the thick metal door and looked up as a small, old woman with frizzy white hair was let in and then the door was closed and locked again.
"Mother Willa," I said, starting to stand.
She made a sound of impatience, waving her hand to indicate I should stay seated. I sunk back down.
She opened a large, crochet bag she had slung over her shoulder and started taking out small fabric pouches, and a little bowl that looked like it had once been a rock of some sort. As she mixed various items together with a small amount of water in her bowl, a strong herbal smell rose around me. She began smashing it and mixing it together until it was a dark green paste. She came closer to me and set it down as she examined my legs, making tsk-tsking sounds as she used her hands gently to turn them this way and that.
