Becoming the Whiskey Princess
Page 57
“Declan, I’m sorry.”
Shaking my head in complete disgust, I hear my bedroom door open and then Amberlyn behind me. “It’s too late for sorry now, Ma. Yer words have spread like wildfire, and now I have to figure out how to put them out.”
Looking back at Amberlyn, I see that she is looking down, her bag on her shoulder, tears falling down her cheeks. I want to wrap her up in my arms, kiss her, tell her it all will be fine, but I know she won’t let me. My ma has poisoned her vision of me. Glaring back at my ma, I fight back the tears. I’m supposed to love her unconditionally, but how can I when she may have taken my life away? Clearing my throat of the sobs that threaten to break free, I basically growl, “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna take Amberlyn to her cousin’s because she doesn’t want to be here.”
Not waiting for either of them to say anything, I head for the door, stomping to the front of the house. My heart breaks a bit, but I believe in Amberlyn and me. I do, and maybe by the time I get to Fiona’s, she’ll remember she does too.
Or maybe my ma has ruined everything.
I don’t know if I am doing the right thing.
I remember when my mom and dad got into a big fight once, they fought for hours, screaming and yelling at each other. My mom was crying and shaking, my dad shouting, his face red with anger. I remember hating that they fought and wanting them to stop. My mom packed a bag, told me to grab a few things, and that’s when my dad stopped screaming and started begging. I started to cry because I didn’t understand. I couldn’t have been over six, but I can still hear my dad’s voice.
Don’t leave. Stay. Talk this out. Don’t give up on me.
She didn’t leave. She told me to go to my room and I did, putting my head under a pillow as I cried. I didn’t know what was going on, and it scared me. I feel asleep, and when I woke up, they were fine. She was sitting in his lap, and they were looking at the checkbook as if nothing had happened.
Before she died, I asked her what had happened. She smiled and shook her head as she looked me deep in the eyes. My dad had a gambling problem and lost the college fund they had started for me. She was furious with him and said he needed a wake-up call. I thought for so long they were crazy, but really, she was trying to help him and did. Losing my mom and me would have been his downfall.
Looking over at Declan, I know I would be his.
I can see the whites of his knuckles; his jaw is taut and he just looks miserable. I started this, but I know I have just cause for it. His mother has scared me shitless. I want to live a happy life, but can I do that being an O’Callaghan? I know that, being with him, I have all these expectations of me, and they mean I’ll have to change. He keeps promising me that he won’t do that to me, but all I keep hearing is his mom’s warning.
My mom wouldn’t want me to do anything until I was completely sure. While I am completely sure I love him more than anything in this world, I don’t know if I can go into marriage with him believing that I’ll still be me in the end. I mean, I love who I am with him, but when his parents, and even his sister, get involved, all of a sudden I’m a tea dress-wearing snob. I just don’t know. I’m so scared, but then I don’t want to be without him. I just don’t know what I want.
When we pull into the lot of Fiona and Kane’s apartment, Declan turns the car off and taps his thumb along the steering wheel. I know this is where I’m supposed to get out, but I’m scared to. My heart is pounding, my hands feel clammy, and even my eye is twitching. I don’t know what to do; I’m just so fucking scared of everything, which is very unlike me. I’m usually a jump-in kind of girl, but his mom really fucked me up. My biggest fear is to lose the woman my parents raised. They wouldn’t want me to be what Noreen O’Callaghan is.
Over the last couple months, I’ve seen firsthand that she only cares about appearances. I couldn’t care less what I look like or who I’m supposed to impress. I just want to be comfortable. She wants to have parties, impress people all the time, yeah, again, I don’t care. I also don’t want to be in a loveless marriage. If she loved her husband, she’d spend more time in bed with him rather than walking in on me in bed with her son. Again, gross. She’s lost herself, and I don’t want to ever lose me. I love me.
But I love Declan.
Ugh, I’m so confused.
Reaching for the door handle, I pull it and push the door open. Letting one leg out, I look back at him. Should I kiss him bye? Or is he too mad at me? I mean, I’ve caused one hell of a mess with my explosive freak-out.
Before I can ask though, he says, “I’ll be waiting for you.”
My brows furrow as I look at his beautiful profile. “Waiting for me?”
“Yeah,” he says with a curt nod. “Go on inside, sleep on it. When yer ready to tell me one way or another, I’ll be here.”
“I can call you,” I supply, but he shakes his head.
“No, I want to be here.”
“But I’m going dress shopping with Fiona in the morning.”
He nods and then finally looks over at me. His eyes are so dark, even hard, like a gorgeous marble, but I can see the pain. I’ve really fucked up here, and even with all that, he doesn’t want to leave. He wants to be here. He wants to wait for me to get my “head out of my arse” as he said. Clearing his throat, he says, “And I’ll be waiting for ya, then.”
My lip starts to wobble as I nod slowly. “I’m sorry.”
He looks at me. “For what?”
“For being scared, for not believing in you the way I did before your mom messed it up.”
“It’s a part of life, Amberlyn, to be scared. The other thing, I know it’s in there, the trust, the believing. Ya just have to find it again. It’s lost in the shitstorm my ma has caused. I can’t help ya find it; ya won’t let me. So go on, I’ll be waiting.”
Tears stream down my face as I shake my head. I don’t want to be in a shitstorm without him. I want us to face it together, but why don’t I say that? What is wrong with me? Why am I so fucking scared?
Clearing my throat, I close my eyes before glancing back at him, sucking in a deep breath. “Do I kiss you goodbye?”
His eyes soften then. “Do you still want to?”
“Declan, I still love you. More than anything. I’m just so fucking scared.”
Shaking my head in complete disgust, I hear my bedroom door open and then Amberlyn behind me. “It’s too late for sorry now, Ma. Yer words have spread like wildfire, and now I have to figure out how to put them out.”
Looking back at Amberlyn, I see that she is looking down, her bag on her shoulder, tears falling down her cheeks. I want to wrap her up in my arms, kiss her, tell her it all will be fine, but I know she won’t let me. My ma has poisoned her vision of me. Glaring back at my ma, I fight back the tears. I’m supposed to love her unconditionally, but how can I when she may have taken my life away? Clearing my throat of the sobs that threaten to break free, I basically growl, “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna take Amberlyn to her cousin’s because she doesn’t want to be here.”
Not waiting for either of them to say anything, I head for the door, stomping to the front of the house. My heart breaks a bit, but I believe in Amberlyn and me. I do, and maybe by the time I get to Fiona’s, she’ll remember she does too.
Or maybe my ma has ruined everything.
I don’t know if I am doing the right thing.
I remember when my mom and dad got into a big fight once, they fought for hours, screaming and yelling at each other. My mom was crying and shaking, my dad shouting, his face red with anger. I remember hating that they fought and wanting them to stop. My mom packed a bag, told me to grab a few things, and that’s when my dad stopped screaming and started begging. I started to cry because I didn’t understand. I couldn’t have been over six, but I can still hear my dad’s voice.
Don’t leave. Stay. Talk this out. Don’t give up on me.
She didn’t leave. She told me to go to my room and I did, putting my head under a pillow as I cried. I didn’t know what was going on, and it scared me. I feel asleep, and when I woke up, they were fine. She was sitting in his lap, and they were looking at the checkbook as if nothing had happened.
Before she died, I asked her what had happened. She smiled and shook her head as she looked me deep in the eyes. My dad had a gambling problem and lost the college fund they had started for me. She was furious with him and said he needed a wake-up call. I thought for so long they were crazy, but really, she was trying to help him and did. Losing my mom and me would have been his downfall.
Looking over at Declan, I know I would be his.
I can see the whites of his knuckles; his jaw is taut and he just looks miserable. I started this, but I know I have just cause for it. His mother has scared me shitless. I want to live a happy life, but can I do that being an O’Callaghan? I know that, being with him, I have all these expectations of me, and they mean I’ll have to change. He keeps promising me that he won’t do that to me, but all I keep hearing is his mom’s warning.
My mom wouldn’t want me to do anything until I was completely sure. While I am completely sure I love him more than anything in this world, I don’t know if I can go into marriage with him believing that I’ll still be me in the end. I mean, I love who I am with him, but when his parents, and even his sister, get involved, all of a sudden I’m a tea dress-wearing snob. I just don’t know. I’m so scared, but then I don’t want to be without him. I just don’t know what I want.
When we pull into the lot of Fiona and Kane’s apartment, Declan turns the car off and taps his thumb along the steering wheel. I know this is where I’m supposed to get out, but I’m scared to. My heart is pounding, my hands feel clammy, and even my eye is twitching. I don’t know what to do; I’m just so fucking scared of everything, which is very unlike me. I’m usually a jump-in kind of girl, but his mom really fucked me up. My biggest fear is to lose the woman my parents raised. They wouldn’t want me to be what Noreen O’Callaghan is.
Over the last couple months, I’ve seen firsthand that she only cares about appearances. I couldn’t care less what I look like or who I’m supposed to impress. I just want to be comfortable. She wants to have parties, impress people all the time, yeah, again, I don’t care. I also don’t want to be in a loveless marriage. If she loved her husband, she’d spend more time in bed with him rather than walking in on me in bed with her son. Again, gross. She’s lost herself, and I don’t want to ever lose me. I love me.
But I love Declan.
Ugh, I’m so confused.
Reaching for the door handle, I pull it and push the door open. Letting one leg out, I look back at him. Should I kiss him bye? Or is he too mad at me? I mean, I’ve caused one hell of a mess with my explosive freak-out.
Before I can ask though, he says, “I’ll be waiting for you.”
My brows furrow as I look at his beautiful profile. “Waiting for me?”
“Yeah,” he says with a curt nod. “Go on inside, sleep on it. When yer ready to tell me one way or another, I’ll be here.”
“I can call you,” I supply, but he shakes his head.
“No, I want to be here.”
“But I’m going dress shopping with Fiona in the morning.”
He nods and then finally looks over at me. His eyes are so dark, even hard, like a gorgeous marble, but I can see the pain. I’ve really fucked up here, and even with all that, he doesn’t want to leave. He wants to be here. He wants to wait for me to get my “head out of my arse” as he said. Clearing his throat, he says, “And I’ll be waiting for ya, then.”
My lip starts to wobble as I nod slowly. “I’m sorry.”
He looks at me. “For what?”
“For being scared, for not believing in you the way I did before your mom messed it up.”
“It’s a part of life, Amberlyn, to be scared. The other thing, I know it’s in there, the trust, the believing. Ya just have to find it again. It’s lost in the shitstorm my ma has caused. I can’t help ya find it; ya won’t let me. So go on, I’ll be waiting.”
Tears stream down my face as I shake my head. I don’t want to be in a shitstorm without him. I want us to face it together, but why don’t I say that? What is wrong with me? Why am I so fucking scared?
Clearing my throat, I close my eyes before glancing back at him, sucking in a deep breath. “Do I kiss you goodbye?”
His eyes soften then. “Do you still want to?”
“Declan, I still love you. More than anything. I’m just so fucking scared.”
