Before I Wake
Page 18
I shrugged with the shoulder not pressed into my mattress. Nash is still mad. Sabine is still blunt. And I met Madelines necromancer. His names Luca.
A death detector? Tod made a face. Thats creepy.
Says the living dead boy.
Im serious.
I pretended to study his expression. So thats what that looks like .
You know you cant hide from him, right? Hell see you, whether youre corporeal or not, and hell hear you if hes close enough. Tell me thats not creepy.
Its a little creepy, but hes the one who found Thane this morning. Im thinking a necromancer on our side is infinitely less creepy than one working for the bad guys.
I guess
It gets weirder. Hes dating Sophie.
On purpose? Tod looked horrified. It takes a lot to scare a reaper.
Looks like it. She knows what he is and doesnt seem to care. Oh, and we ate with Ems new boyfriend, too.
These are the days of our lives Tod announced in a false baritone, and I smacked his shoulder. Okay, Ill bite. Whats Ems boyfriend like?
His names Jayson. Hes human. Normal and nice. Hes probably perfect for her.
But?
But nothing. I shrugged. Shes safer with him than with any of us. She deserves a nice, normal relationship, but
I knew there was a but.
but I dont know how to be around her when shes with him. Theres too much I cant say. Too much he doesnt know.
Tod ran his hand down my arm until he found my hand, and his fingers folded around mine. Are we still talking about Jayson? Cause it kind of sounds like youre talking about Emma now.
I sighed. Maybe. Em knew a lot about my worldnot to mention the Netherworldbut she was still in the dark about a lot of it, too. She didnt know much about Thane, or that Avari was willing to kill her to get to me. She didnt know that Mr. Beckthe incubus math teacher whod murdered mehad planned to kill her, too, but not until after hed fed from her. She didnt know that her sister was pregnant with Becks incubus fetus, or that Harmony was busy collecting and combining a blend of Netherworld herbs that could end the brand-new pregnancy and save her sisters life. Though Id have to tell her most of that very soon, because I was not looking forward to explaining the truth to Traci, who could discover her own pregnancy any day.
But mostly, Emma didnt know how hard it was for me to sit through class after class today, knowing that none of it mattered anymore. Iwasnt going to grow up and go off to college with her. I wasnt ever going to use the past-perfect conjugation of French verbs, and after finals, Id probably never again be required to write out a mathematical proof.
The only things still certain in my future were the reclamation of stolen souls and Tod. Thats it. Those were the only things that mattered anymore, and the harder I clung to the plans that were important to the once-living Kaylee, the more I felt like a fraud walking around in her skin.
I keep forgetting to be, Tod, I whispered, my voice muted by the enormity of what I was admitting.
Forgetting to be what?
To be. To be here. To exist. If I dont concentrate, I slip right out of the physical plane, and I dont even notice it until I realize people cant see or hear me. That had happened with my dad over and over since Id died, and if it ever happened at school, I was screwed.
Thats normal.
Thats not normal! I insisted. Forgetting to exist is textbook-weird!
His hand tightened around mine, and his blue irises swirled in sympathy. It takes a while to get into the routine of taking physical form. I didnt make a habit of it until I met you.
Its like I dont exist anymore. Like Im nowhere. I rolled onto my back, and he leaned over me, staring down at me from inches away.
Youre very much here, Kaylee. From my vantage point, youre everywhere. His eyes were all I could see, his irises swirling slowly, confirming everything he was saying and hinting at even more.
This is the only time I feel real, Tod. Only when Im touching you. I wish it could be like this forever.
It can be. It will be, he said, and he sounded so sure of that that I could almost believe him.
What if you get tired of me? Forevers a long time.
Im well aware. Tod sat up and pulled me up with him until we faced each other on my bed. Forever used to feel like a curse. Now it feels like a promise, he said, and my chest ached, and I loved that feelingthat rare pain that came from feeling too much, so different from the emptiness Id almost gotten used to. All you have to do is stay here with me.
That, and eat breakfast for my dad. And reclaim souls for Madeline. And go to school and work to convince everyone that Nash is innocent. I frowned as something ridiculous occurred to me. In the movies and on TV, there are all these ancient vampires taking math and PE with a bunch of teenagers, and I always thought that was the stupidest thing. I mean, if you had eternity to spend however you wantand for the most part, we dowhy the hell would you go back to high school? What on earth was I thinking?
A death detector? Tod made a face. Thats creepy.
Says the living dead boy.
Im serious.
I pretended to study his expression. So thats what that looks like .
You know you cant hide from him, right? Hell see you, whether youre corporeal or not, and hell hear you if hes close enough. Tell me thats not creepy.
Its a little creepy, but hes the one who found Thane this morning. Im thinking a necromancer on our side is infinitely less creepy than one working for the bad guys.
I guess
It gets weirder. Hes dating Sophie.
On purpose? Tod looked horrified. It takes a lot to scare a reaper.
Looks like it. She knows what he is and doesnt seem to care. Oh, and we ate with Ems new boyfriend, too.
These are the days of our lives Tod announced in a false baritone, and I smacked his shoulder. Okay, Ill bite. Whats Ems boyfriend like?
His names Jayson. Hes human. Normal and nice. Hes probably perfect for her.
But?
But nothing. I shrugged. Shes safer with him than with any of us. She deserves a nice, normal relationship, but
I knew there was a but.
but I dont know how to be around her when shes with him. Theres too much I cant say. Too much he doesnt know.
Tod ran his hand down my arm until he found my hand, and his fingers folded around mine. Are we still talking about Jayson? Cause it kind of sounds like youre talking about Emma now.
I sighed. Maybe. Em knew a lot about my worldnot to mention the Netherworldbut she was still in the dark about a lot of it, too. She didnt know much about Thane, or that Avari was willing to kill her to get to me. She didnt know that Mr. Beckthe incubus math teacher whod murdered mehad planned to kill her, too, but not until after hed fed from her. She didnt know that her sister was pregnant with Becks incubus fetus, or that Harmony was busy collecting and combining a blend of Netherworld herbs that could end the brand-new pregnancy and save her sisters life. Though Id have to tell her most of that very soon, because I was not looking forward to explaining the truth to Traci, who could discover her own pregnancy any day.
But mostly, Emma didnt know how hard it was for me to sit through class after class today, knowing that none of it mattered anymore. Iwasnt going to grow up and go off to college with her. I wasnt ever going to use the past-perfect conjugation of French verbs, and after finals, Id probably never again be required to write out a mathematical proof.
The only things still certain in my future were the reclamation of stolen souls and Tod. Thats it. Those were the only things that mattered anymore, and the harder I clung to the plans that were important to the once-living Kaylee, the more I felt like a fraud walking around in her skin.
I keep forgetting to be, Tod, I whispered, my voice muted by the enormity of what I was admitting.
Forgetting to be what?
To be. To be here. To exist. If I dont concentrate, I slip right out of the physical plane, and I dont even notice it until I realize people cant see or hear me. That had happened with my dad over and over since Id died, and if it ever happened at school, I was screwed.
Thats normal.
Thats not normal! I insisted. Forgetting to exist is textbook-weird!
His hand tightened around mine, and his blue irises swirled in sympathy. It takes a while to get into the routine of taking physical form. I didnt make a habit of it until I met you.
Its like I dont exist anymore. Like Im nowhere. I rolled onto my back, and he leaned over me, staring down at me from inches away.
Youre very much here, Kaylee. From my vantage point, youre everywhere. His eyes were all I could see, his irises swirling slowly, confirming everything he was saying and hinting at even more.
This is the only time I feel real, Tod. Only when Im touching you. I wish it could be like this forever.
It can be. It will be, he said, and he sounded so sure of that that I could almost believe him.
What if you get tired of me? Forevers a long time.
Im well aware. Tod sat up and pulled me up with him until we faced each other on my bed. Forever used to feel like a curse. Now it feels like a promise, he said, and my chest ached, and I loved that feelingthat rare pain that came from feeling too much, so different from the emptiness Id almost gotten used to. All you have to do is stay here with me.
That, and eat breakfast for my dad. And reclaim souls for Madeline. And go to school and work to convince everyone that Nash is innocent. I frowned as something ridiculous occurred to me. In the movies and on TV, there are all these ancient vampires taking math and PE with a bunch of teenagers, and I always thought that was the stupidest thing. I mean, if you had eternity to spend however you wantand for the most part, we dowhy the hell would you go back to high school? What on earth was I thinking?
