Before I Wake
Page 62
Em nodded eagerly, and Sabine rolled her eyes at the room in general. Yeah. Im all about the greater good. But its gonna cost you some snacks. Im starving. She got up to help herself to my kitchen, and I followed to keep her from making a mess Id get stuck cleaning up.
Theres popcorn in the cabinet over the bar, I said, pointing. And theres fruit in the fridge. But Sabine didnt even glance in either direction.
So, was it all you hoped it would be? she asked, soft enough that no one in the living room could hear.
What are you talking about? But I knew. And she knew I knew.
She stepped so close I wanted to back up, but I was already leaning against the counter. You know, the only thing worse than a self-righteous virgin is a self-righteous fake virgin.
Im not faking anything. I pulled a bag of popcorn from the cabinet and unwrapped it, then practically threw it into the microwave and pressed some buttons so the noise would cover yet another discussion I really didnt want to have with Sabine. Im saying its none of your business.
Does Nash know?
I sighed heavily, wondering if it was too late to take the fifth. You know he doesnt. And you cant tell him. I took a large salad bowl from the dish drainer and set it next to the microwave.
He needs to know, Kaylee.
The hell he does! Are you trying to hurt him?
She exhaled slowly, like she was the one fighting for patience. Im trying to pull off the Band-Aid and expose the wound so it can heal.
I dont even know what that means.
Yes, you do. You ripped Nashs heart out, and instead of dealing with the gaping hole in his chest, he just slapped a bandage over it, so he wouldnt have to see the wound.
A bandage?
Denial. He was avoiding both of you, so he wouldnt have to think about it, and now he thinks he can pretend to be happy with your friendship, and if he plays his cards right and stays clean, youll realize Tod was just a temporary comfort and everything will go back to the way it was. You and I both know thats not going to happen, but he refuses to see it. But he wont have any choice if he knows that after all those months when you barely let him touch you, you gave it up to his brother after a month.
Anger clouded my judgment and defeated my determination not to have this conversation with her. Why do you have to make it sound like that? And who the hell are you to question my timing or my relationship with Tod? You cant possibly understand what he and I have been through or what he means to me.
Im not questioning anything, Sabine insisted. And maybe I cant understand all the specifics of your weird-ass, undeadrelationship, but I do understand what he means to you. And Nash needs to understand that, too. Which is why you have to tell him.
Are you insane? I demanded, and when the microwave beeped, I pulled out the full bag and threw another one in, then pressed more buttons, again for the noise. Nash is only a month past a relapse, and hes just now speaking to me again. He still wont be in the same room as Tod. And you want to tell him I slept with his brother. Which is none of your business or his, for the record.
Yes, it is. Whether you like it or not, the four of us are all tangled up, Kaylee. And we always will be. Nash loves me, but he loves you, too, even though youre in love with his brother. Whom he currently hates, but cant get rid of. And youre the first girlfriend Ive ever had. Can you see those threads, all tied in a knot?
Im not your friend, Sabine. How could I be, after shed stalked my dreams and given me nightmares, then tried to sell me to Avari so she could have Nash for herself?
She looked hurt for a second, then that familiar obstinacy was back. Then why did you try to help me with Thane the other night? Nash loves me, and he just stood there, at first, but you tried to come to my rescue. Tod had to hold you back.
I I had no good answer for that. Fine. I didnt want you to get hurt. But if you want to call yourself my friend, you should know that position comes with boundaries.
Sabine frowned. Im no good with boundaries.
Yes, and the ocean is damp. Can we be done with the understatements now?
Im just trying to help Nash move on.
Bullshit. Youre not thinking about whats good for him. Youre thinking about whats good for you.
I am whats good for him! The microwave dinged, then went silent, and she lowered her voice, but not the intensity of her argument. Im the only good thing he has left until he starts speaking to his brother and trusting his mother again. But he wont see that as long as he thinks theres a chance for the two of you. He knows you were waiting for the right time to break the worlds most damage-resistant hymen and if he finds out that time came and went without him, hell know the two of you are truly over. And he really needs to know that, Kaylee.
I hate it when shes right.
He does need to understand that we wont be getting back together, I finally admitted. But what Tod and I do in private is not up for discussion. Ill think of some other way to show Nash. And, Sabine, if you really want to be my friend, youll respect that. I dumped both bags of popcorn into the bowl and left her in the kitchen to think about that.
Theres popcorn in the cabinet over the bar, I said, pointing. And theres fruit in the fridge. But Sabine didnt even glance in either direction.
So, was it all you hoped it would be? she asked, soft enough that no one in the living room could hear.
What are you talking about? But I knew. And she knew I knew.
She stepped so close I wanted to back up, but I was already leaning against the counter. You know, the only thing worse than a self-righteous virgin is a self-righteous fake virgin.
Im not faking anything. I pulled a bag of popcorn from the cabinet and unwrapped it, then practically threw it into the microwave and pressed some buttons so the noise would cover yet another discussion I really didnt want to have with Sabine. Im saying its none of your business.
Does Nash know?
I sighed heavily, wondering if it was too late to take the fifth. You know he doesnt. And you cant tell him. I took a large salad bowl from the dish drainer and set it next to the microwave.
He needs to know, Kaylee.
The hell he does! Are you trying to hurt him?
She exhaled slowly, like she was the one fighting for patience. Im trying to pull off the Band-Aid and expose the wound so it can heal.
I dont even know what that means.
Yes, you do. You ripped Nashs heart out, and instead of dealing with the gaping hole in his chest, he just slapped a bandage over it, so he wouldnt have to see the wound.
A bandage?
Denial. He was avoiding both of you, so he wouldnt have to think about it, and now he thinks he can pretend to be happy with your friendship, and if he plays his cards right and stays clean, youll realize Tod was just a temporary comfort and everything will go back to the way it was. You and I both know thats not going to happen, but he refuses to see it. But he wont have any choice if he knows that after all those months when you barely let him touch you, you gave it up to his brother after a month.
Anger clouded my judgment and defeated my determination not to have this conversation with her. Why do you have to make it sound like that? And who the hell are you to question my timing or my relationship with Tod? You cant possibly understand what he and I have been through or what he means to me.
Im not questioning anything, Sabine insisted. And maybe I cant understand all the specifics of your weird-ass, undeadrelationship, but I do understand what he means to you. And Nash needs to understand that, too. Which is why you have to tell him.
Are you insane? I demanded, and when the microwave beeped, I pulled out the full bag and threw another one in, then pressed more buttons, again for the noise. Nash is only a month past a relapse, and hes just now speaking to me again. He still wont be in the same room as Tod. And you want to tell him I slept with his brother. Which is none of your business or his, for the record.
Yes, it is. Whether you like it or not, the four of us are all tangled up, Kaylee. And we always will be. Nash loves me, but he loves you, too, even though youre in love with his brother. Whom he currently hates, but cant get rid of. And youre the first girlfriend Ive ever had. Can you see those threads, all tied in a knot?
Im not your friend, Sabine. How could I be, after shed stalked my dreams and given me nightmares, then tried to sell me to Avari so she could have Nash for herself?
She looked hurt for a second, then that familiar obstinacy was back. Then why did you try to help me with Thane the other night? Nash loves me, and he just stood there, at first, but you tried to come to my rescue. Tod had to hold you back.
I I had no good answer for that. Fine. I didnt want you to get hurt. But if you want to call yourself my friend, you should know that position comes with boundaries.
Sabine frowned. Im no good with boundaries.
Yes, and the ocean is damp. Can we be done with the understatements now?
Im just trying to help Nash move on.
Bullshit. Youre not thinking about whats good for him. Youre thinking about whats good for you.
I am whats good for him! The microwave dinged, then went silent, and she lowered her voice, but not the intensity of her argument. Im the only good thing he has left until he starts speaking to his brother and trusting his mother again. But he wont see that as long as he thinks theres a chance for the two of you. He knows you were waiting for the right time to break the worlds most damage-resistant hymen and if he finds out that time came and went without him, hell know the two of you are truly over. And he really needs to know that, Kaylee.
I hate it when shes right.
He does need to understand that we wont be getting back together, I finally admitted. But what Tod and I do in private is not up for discussion. Ill think of some other way to show Nash. And, Sabine, if you really want to be my friend, youll respect that. I dumped both bags of popcorn into the bowl and left her in the kitchen to think about that.
