Bestie
Page 36
I fight the tears threatening to explode.
“I’m sorry. I honestly never meant to hurt you. Fuck. I’m so sorry,” he says, and the he quietly leaves my house.
I sink to my knees the second his truck disappears down the road.
And I cry.
I just cry.
Damn her.
Damn her to hell.
CHAPTER 18
“Hey, come on,” Matilda says, wrapping her arms around me. “It’ll be okay.” “I feel like I’ve lost my best friend, Milly,” I whisper against her shoulder. “I honestly feel so completely broken.”
She sighs and her breath puffs out against my cheek. “This is why I told you to be careful, honey. I know what you two have is special, I believe it because I can see it. I can see it when you two are together. It’s obvious he truly does care about you, but he needs to move past all this. He needs to heal.”
“I know,” I croak. “I knew this, but I still slept with him anyway. I let myself get close. If I didn’t do that, I could have held back, I could have controlled my feelings. The second I let it get to that point, it all changed. I’m a soft person, I might have a high sex drive, but I’m not a slut. I’m selective who I sleep with, because I know I care too easily. I knew myself, I knew I’d bond with him, but I did it anyway.”
“This isn’t your fault, but it isn’t his, either. You guys were in a really hard place, and you clung to each other. Most people rebound with a one-night stand, but you two, you had something special, a friendship I honestly haven’t seen in a long time. You should have kept it at that until he’d moved on, but you didn’t. It’s a lesson learned. It’ll hurt for a while, but you will be okay.”
“What if he goes back to her?” I say, turning to her, eyes filled with tears. “Matilda, what if I lose him?”
She takes my hand. “Do you honestly think she’ll actually take him back? And even if she does, she’s going to destroy him once more. That woman does not love him, but that’s something he has to figure out for himself. You cannot fight this battle for him. You can’t, honey.”
“I don’t want him hurting,” I whisper, a tear running down my cheek. “I don’t want him hurting!”
Frustration and pain bubbles in my chest, and I can’t seem to make sense of either.
She shakes her head and squeezes my hand again. “Again, you can’t fight this one. Sweetie, you can’t. I know you want to protect him. But he has to figure this out. The only thing you can do right now is either accept that he needs you as a friend only, or give yourself space until he’s dealt with it.”
“I can’t imagine going a day without talking to him, he’s my best friend, he’s important to me.”
“Yes, he is, but you have feelings for him now. If, for some small chance, he does go back to her for a while, do you honestly think you can handle that?”
My heart twists angrily at that thought.
I close my eyes, take a shaky breath and think about it.
It would kill me, absolutely rip me in two, to see him go back to her. The very thought hurts my heart more than I can even imagine. There is nothing worse in the world than thinking of someone you care about with someone else.
But what would hurt even more, is losing the best person I’ve ever known. What would hurt, so much more, is giving up on someone who has been there for me, who has taught me so much about myself in such a short time, who is the kindest, most generous person I’ve ever met. Losing him, that would hurt far more.
“It would kill me,” I admit. “But losing him ... That’ll kill me more.”
She nods, because she knew that’s what I would say. “Then you take your time, you calm down from this, and you tell him that. If he does go back, you will need some space, that’s just not able to be avoided—it will hurt more than you think it will. If he doesn’t, you support him as a friend through it. That’s all you can do for right now.”
“I hate her,” I mutter angrily. “I really, really hate her. I wish I could walk up to her and tell her exactly what I think of her, but I can’t. I just have to sit back and watch her chip away at him, slowly eating at him piece by piece, until there is nothing left.”
“I hate her too, and I don’t even know the half of it,” Matilda agrees. “People like her, she’ll only win for a while. She will hurt him again, but the funny thing about people, is they bounce back. It’ll suck for him, it’s going to possibly be the hardest thing he’ll do, but he will come back stronger, and he will come back a fighter. But until that happens, you just have to hang on, just keep hanging on, honey.”
“What we have, it’s worth it,” I whisper, another tear rolling down my cheek.
“It’s so worth it.”
I can do this.
I can.
I have to.
He needs me.
CHAPTER 19
“I’m sorry,” I say, standing on his doorstep, staring into those brown eyes that are full of pain again. It’s been a few days; I let him have the space he needed, and now I need him to know that I’m here. I’ve pulled myself together as much as I can, I’ve shut down my emotions as much as I can for now, and I just need to be there for him and he needs to know it.
“Hey,” he says, stepping aside and letting me in.
I tilt my head back and stare up at him, studying his face. He looks tired. I hate that. “I didn’t mean to make you out to be an asshole over your feelings, Roman. I know you can’t help it. I can be your friend, for right now. I can do what you need me to do, but please understand, if you go back there, I will need to take a step back. It isn’t because I don’t want to help you, I do, but if you go back then I’m no longer your person, she’s your person again, and because of that, I’ll need to move on with my life.”
He stares at me, and nods. He looks hurt. I hate that.
“But, if you don’t go back, or you do and she hurts you again ...” Which she will. “Then I’ll be here. I’ll always be here. I will do what I can, I’ll help you through, I’ll be just your friend if that’s what you need, but please, please respect that I do have to protect my heart a little too. That’s all I can offer you right now.”
“I’m sorry. I honestly never meant to hurt you. Fuck. I’m so sorry,” he says, and the he quietly leaves my house.
I sink to my knees the second his truck disappears down the road.
And I cry.
I just cry.
Damn her.
Damn her to hell.
CHAPTER 18
“Hey, come on,” Matilda says, wrapping her arms around me. “It’ll be okay.” “I feel like I’ve lost my best friend, Milly,” I whisper against her shoulder. “I honestly feel so completely broken.”
She sighs and her breath puffs out against my cheek. “This is why I told you to be careful, honey. I know what you two have is special, I believe it because I can see it. I can see it when you two are together. It’s obvious he truly does care about you, but he needs to move past all this. He needs to heal.”
“I know,” I croak. “I knew this, but I still slept with him anyway. I let myself get close. If I didn’t do that, I could have held back, I could have controlled my feelings. The second I let it get to that point, it all changed. I’m a soft person, I might have a high sex drive, but I’m not a slut. I’m selective who I sleep with, because I know I care too easily. I knew myself, I knew I’d bond with him, but I did it anyway.”
“This isn’t your fault, but it isn’t his, either. You guys were in a really hard place, and you clung to each other. Most people rebound with a one-night stand, but you two, you had something special, a friendship I honestly haven’t seen in a long time. You should have kept it at that until he’d moved on, but you didn’t. It’s a lesson learned. It’ll hurt for a while, but you will be okay.”
“What if he goes back to her?” I say, turning to her, eyes filled with tears. “Matilda, what if I lose him?”
She takes my hand. “Do you honestly think she’ll actually take him back? And even if she does, she’s going to destroy him once more. That woman does not love him, but that’s something he has to figure out for himself. You cannot fight this battle for him. You can’t, honey.”
“I don’t want him hurting,” I whisper, a tear running down my cheek. “I don’t want him hurting!”
Frustration and pain bubbles in my chest, and I can’t seem to make sense of either.
She shakes her head and squeezes my hand again. “Again, you can’t fight this one. Sweetie, you can’t. I know you want to protect him. But he has to figure this out. The only thing you can do right now is either accept that he needs you as a friend only, or give yourself space until he’s dealt with it.”
“I can’t imagine going a day without talking to him, he’s my best friend, he’s important to me.”
“Yes, he is, but you have feelings for him now. If, for some small chance, he does go back to her for a while, do you honestly think you can handle that?”
My heart twists angrily at that thought.
I close my eyes, take a shaky breath and think about it.
It would kill me, absolutely rip me in two, to see him go back to her. The very thought hurts my heart more than I can even imagine. There is nothing worse in the world than thinking of someone you care about with someone else.
But what would hurt even more, is losing the best person I’ve ever known. What would hurt, so much more, is giving up on someone who has been there for me, who has taught me so much about myself in such a short time, who is the kindest, most generous person I’ve ever met. Losing him, that would hurt far more.
“It would kill me,” I admit. “But losing him ... That’ll kill me more.”
She nods, because she knew that’s what I would say. “Then you take your time, you calm down from this, and you tell him that. If he does go back, you will need some space, that’s just not able to be avoided—it will hurt more than you think it will. If he doesn’t, you support him as a friend through it. That’s all you can do for right now.”
“I hate her,” I mutter angrily. “I really, really hate her. I wish I could walk up to her and tell her exactly what I think of her, but I can’t. I just have to sit back and watch her chip away at him, slowly eating at him piece by piece, until there is nothing left.”
“I hate her too, and I don’t even know the half of it,” Matilda agrees. “People like her, she’ll only win for a while. She will hurt him again, but the funny thing about people, is they bounce back. It’ll suck for him, it’s going to possibly be the hardest thing he’ll do, but he will come back stronger, and he will come back a fighter. But until that happens, you just have to hang on, just keep hanging on, honey.”
“What we have, it’s worth it,” I whisper, another tear rolling down my cheek.
“It’s so worth it.”
I can do this.
I can.
I have to.
He needs me.
CHAPTER 19
“I’m sorry,” I say, standing on his doorstep, staring into those brown eyes that are full of pain again. It’s been a few days; I let him have the space he needed, and now I need him to know that I’m here. I’ve pulled myself together as much as I can, I’ve shut down my emotions as much as I can for now, and I just need to be there for him and he needs to know it.
“Hey,” he says, stepping aside and letting me in.
I tilt my head back and stare up at him, studying his face. He looks tired. I hate that. “I didn’t mean to make you out to be an asshole over your feelings, Roman. I know you can’t help it. I can be your friend, for right now. I can do what you need me to do, but please understand, if you go back there, I will need to take a step back. It isn’t because I don’t want to help you, I do, but if you go back then I’m no longer your person, she’s your person again, and because of that, I’ll need to move on with my life.”
He stares at me, and nods. He looks hurt. I hate that.
“But, if you don’t go back, or you do and she hurts you again ...” Which she will. “Then I’ll be here. I’ll always be here. I will do what I can, I’ll help you through, I’ll be just your friend if that’s what you need, but please, please respect that I do have to protect my heart a little too. That’s all I can offer you right now.”
