Better off Friends
Page 34
Adam’s loyalty was a stark contrast to how I’d been behaving. I’d never been so ashamed of myself.
“Hey,” I said as I gently maneuvered myself next to her on the step. “I know I’ve been saying this a lot lately, Macallan, but I’m sorry. I was being a grade-A jerk. I was confused about a lot of things and was trying to fit in. But I realize that none of it matters, none of it matters to me. I mean, except you.”
I’d never had to declare my love to anybody before. But I was pretty confident I was doing a horrible job.
“I got so mad, because, I think, I mean, I know now that, well, I have feelings. I mean, you know, not just feelings, but I … Let me start over.”
“You made a promise to me, Levi. You promised you’d be there for me. But you haven’t been. And I never, never saw you as my ‘whipping boy’ at my ‘beck and call.’ ”
Those words, the words I used just hours earlier, stung. I could only imagine how much they’d hurt her.
She continued while tightly holding on to a tissue. “I didn’t realize what a burden it was for you to hang out with me.”
“No,” I said forcefully. I couldn’t believe she would have ever thought that, no matter what I said. But I had been ignoring her. So I guess I could see why she thought that.
She disregarded my comment. “It’s great that you’ve got your own friends. It would be selfish of me to keep you from them. That was never my intention.”
“No, that’s not it. I’m horrified that you would ever think that.” I took her hand in mine. “I’ve been a complete idiot. And I know why I’ve been so confused. I guess I have problems expressing myself and, um …”
She wouldn’t even look at me. I cautiously took my other hand and gently maneuvered her head so she looked at me. Her eyes were filled with tears.
“Macallan, I, I love you.” It was as if those words lifted a ton of weight off my back.
“I love you, too. You’re my best friend.” She gave me a weak smile.
I didn’t think my love and her love were the same.
“No, Macallan.” I brushed her face lightly with my thumb. “That’s not what I mean.”
I pulled her closer to me and leaned in. We were only inches apart. My body tingled with the anticipation of another kiss. One that didn’t have to end so abruptly.
Macallan’s eyes widened when she realized what I was about to do. She jumped to her feet. “I’m going to Ireland,” she blurted out, her voice a lot louder and higher than normal.
“You’re what? When?”
“I’m going to Ireland to spend the summer with my mom’s family. I’m leaving in a week.” She said it in such a dead tone, I almost didn’t believe her.
“Macallan, please.” I had a feeling I was responsible for this last-minute escape route. “When did you decide this?”
“Just … recently.” She was a horrible liar. “You know they’ve asked me every summer.”
“So why now?”
“Why not?”
WHY NOT? WHY NOT? I wanted to scream. BECAUSE I JUST CONFESSED MY LOVE TO YOU, THAT’S WHY NOT!
She took a step back. “Look, Levi, I know things have been … different. And now you have your summer to hang out with your friends and we can pick things up again when I get back.”
“Pick up what exactly?” I was testing her. Was she going to acknowledge that I wasn’t telling her I loved her only as a friend?
She looked lost. “This! Our friendship.” That word stung. “Clearly we need some time away from each other. You need some time with the guys, I need some time with my family. We need to figure out how to make this work. I don’t want to get in your way. So I’m giving you the freedom you so desperately want.”
“Macallan,” I pleaded. I went to grab her hand and she backed farther away.
“It’ll be fine,” she tried to assure me. But I wasn’t sold. “I’ve been thinking it was time for me to visit. Really, I’d been thinking about going this year for a while. You can ask Danielle.”
Now I cursed myself for never answering my stupid phone. Maybe one of those times she was going to ask my opinion. If only I had answered.
She tried to pretend everything was normal. “It’s not that big of a deal. We’ll email and chat while I’m gone, and if you’re lucky, I might bring you back a leprechaun.”
I didn’t know if I should feel relieved that she was making a joke like normal, or if I should be devastated that she certainly wasn’t going to confess any un-friendlike feelings toward me.
We were at a standstill. I knew I had two options at that point. I could confess my love to her again and make her realize we could be more than friends. Or I could swallow my pride and keep whatever was left of our friendship intact.
“A leprechaun, huh? I bet it would probably fit in the overhead compartment.”
I hated myself for it, but I didn’t want to push her any further away.
Who knew how far she was willing to go to avoid me?
Ireland was far enough.
Just so we’re remembering this correctly: When you kissed me, I went home and splashed cold water on my face. When I tried to kiss you, you ran away to Ireland for the summer.
Perhaps not the best timing on my part.
Understatement of the millennium.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
I had a lot of time to think about what I was running away from. I had the two-hour drive with Dad and Uncle Adam to O’Hare Airport. I had the connection in Boston. I had the long flight to Shannon Airport. And then the drive with Gran and Gramps to Dingle.
“Hey,” I said as I gently maneuvered myself next to her on the step. “I know I’ve been saying this a lot lately, Macallan, but I’m sorry. I was being a grade-A jerk. I was confused about a lot of things and was trying to fit in. But I realize that none of it matters, none of it matters to me. I mean, except you.”
I’d never had to declare my love to anybody before. But I was pretty confident I was doing a horrible job.
“I got so mad, because, I think, I mean, I know now that, well, I have feelings. I mean, you know, not just feelings, but I … Let me start over.”
“You made a promise to me, Levi. You promised you’d be there for me. But you haven’t been. And I never, never saw you as my ‘whipping boy’ at my ‘beck and call.’ ”
Those words, the words I used just hours earlier, stung. I could only imagine how much they’d hurt her.
She continued while tightly holding on to a tissue. “I didn’t realize what a burden it was for you to hang out with me.”
“No,” I said forcefully. I couldn’t believe she would have ever thought that, no matter what I said. But I had been ignoring her. So I guess I could see why she thought that.
She disregarded my comment. “It’s great that you’ve got your own friends. It would be selfish of me to keep you from them. That was never my intention.”
“No, that’s not it. I’m horrified that you would ever think that.” I took her hand in mine. “I’ve been a complete idiot. And I know why I’ve been so confused. I guess I have problems expressing myself and, um …”
She wouldn’t even look at me. I cautiously took my other hand and gently maneuvered her head so she looked at me. Her eyes were filled with tears.
“Macallan, I, I love you.” It was as if those words lifted a ton of weight off my back.
“I love you, too. You’re my best friend.” She gave me a weak smile.
I didn’t think my love and her love were the same.
“No, Macallan.” I brushed her face lightly with my thumb. “That’s not what I mean.”
I pulled her closer to me and leaned in. We were only inches apart. My body tingled with the anticipation of another kiss. One that didn’t have to end so abruptly.
Macallan’s eyes widened when she realized what I was about to do. She jumped to her feet. “I’m going to Ireland,” she blurted out, her voice a lot louder and higher than normal.
“You’re what? When?”
“I’m going to Ireland to spend the summer with my mom’s family. I’m leaving in a week.” She said it in such a dead tone, I almost didn’t believe her.
“Macallan, please.” I had a feeling I was responsible for this last-minute escape route. “When did you decide this?”
“Just … recently.” She was a horrible liar. “You know they’ve asked me every summer.”
“So why now?”
“Why not?”
WHY NOT? WHY NOT? I wanted to scream. BECAUSE I JUST CONFESSED MY LOVE TO YOU, THAT’S WHY NOT!
She took a step back. “Look, Levi, I know things have been … different. And now you have your summer to hang out with your friends and we can pick things up again when I get back.”
“Pick up what exactly?” I was testing her. Was she going to acknowledge that I wasn’t telling her I loved her only as a friend?
She looked lost. “This! Our friendship.” That word stung. “Clearly we need some time away from each other. You need some time with the guys, I need some time with my family. We need to figure out how to make this work. I don’t want to get in your way. So I’m giving you the freedom you so desperately want.”
“Macallan,” I pleaded. I went to grab her hand and she backed farther away.
“It’ll be fine,” she tried to assure me. But I wasn’t sold. “I’ve been thinking it was time for me to visit. Really, I’d been thinking about going this year for a while. You can ask Danielle.”
Now I cursed myself for never answering my stupid phone. Maybe one of those times she was going to ask my opinion. If only I had answered.
She tried to pretend everything was normal. “It’s not that big of a deal. We’ll email and chat while I’m gone, and if you’re lucky, I might bring you back a leprechaun.”
I didn’t know if I should feel relieved that she was making a joke like normal, or if I should be devastated that she certainly wasn’t going to confess any un-friendlike feelings toward me.
We were at a standstill. I knew I had two options at that point. I could confess my love to her again and make her realize we could be more than friends. Or I could swallow my pride and keep whatever was left of our friendship intact.
“A leprechaun, huh? I bet it would probably fit in the overhead compartment.”
I hated myself for it, but I didn’t want to push her any further away.
Who knew how far she was willing to go to avoid me?
Ireland was far enough.
Just so we’re remembering this correctly: When you kissed me, I went home and splashed cold water on my face. When I tried to kiss you, you ran away to Ireland for the summer.
Perhaps not the best timing on my part.
Understatement of the millennium.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
I had a lot of time to think about what I was running away from. I had the two-hour drive with Dad and Uncle Adam to O’Hare Airport. I had the connection in Boston. I had the long flight to Shannon Airport. And then the drive with Gran and Gramps to Dingle.
