Beyond the Consequences
Page 26
Claire sighed and closed her eyes. Sitting back down, thoughts of her husband came to her mind. “He can be romantic and giving. After all of this time he can take a normal night and make it feel like a date, as if it doesn’t matter that he spent his day making multi-million dollar decisions, as if now I’m the only other person in the world.” Her heart fluttered. “Honestly, that’s the man I fell in love with: the one who would listen to me and talk with me. I didn’t have anyone else: he was my world. I knew that he had other people, and I guess I felt special because he chose to spend his time with me.” Claire met Dr. Brown’s eyes. “Now, we both have other people and he can still do that, still make me feel like it’s only the two of us.”
Dr. Brown didn’t speak.
“Those times make me love him more than ever, and I want to reciprocate his love and gestures. I just feel like sometimes there’s a fog, a barrier that I have to push through. And when I hear a more demanding tone or feel a more possessive touch that block goes away.” Claire shook her head. “Before the medication I didn’t feel like this.”
“What happened early on in your relationship when you heard that tone or felt that touch?”
Claire swallowed the lump forming in her throat. “I responded.”
“You responded. What if you weren’t in the mood?”
“It didn’t matter.” Tears streamed from the corner of Claire’s eyes as she closed her lids. Finally she asked, “Are you saying that that’s what’s happening? I’m responding now, like a conditioned response?”
“What do you think?”
“I think I love my husband and I want to be with him. I miss experiencing the sweet times and the more erotic times. I want it all.”
They sat in silence as more tears formed in Claire’s eyes. Her thoughts swirled. This wasn’t where she planned on this session going. She loved Tony with all her heart and soul. She adored the man who made her feel as though the sun rose and set because of her, and she craved the man who craved her. As she contemplated the two Tonys, thoughts of Emily’s baby infiltrated. Claire knew it wasn’t right for her to be jealous of her sister, not after all she’d done for her. However, Emily had experienced all the baby firsts, twice. She’d had them with both Michael and Nichol. Though it was selfish, Claire realized what she truly wanted. It wasn’t only to feel everything, no matter how intense. No, she wanted more than that.
Wiping her eyes with a tissue, Claire faced Dr. Brown. “I want another baby. I want to experience the time we missed with Nichol. I don’t want to replace her. That’s not what I mean. But we missed so much. She was a baby—a tiny baby, three months old. We missed her crawling, walking, talking. When we got her back she was a little person with a mind of her own.” Claire wiped the tear from her cheek. “She’s the most beautiful, amazing child, but I want what I missed.”
Claire’s chest suddenly felt lighter with the verbalization of her realization. It was cathartic. Subconsciously, she’d been thinking about another baby for months now. Every time she talked with Emily about Beth, Courtney about Julia, or saw Sue with her two children. But up until this moment, Claire hadn’t admitted the truth to anyone, not even herself. Getting off the medication was more than about the way it made her feel. It was about wanting another baby.
“Have you spoken to your husband about any of this?”
Claire shook her head.
“Why?”
“Because, the sex stuff… I don’t want him to feel like he needs to behave one way or another for me. I want his true emotions and that’s what I want to give him.”
“That’s fair. What about a baby? Having another baby isn’t a unilateral decision.”
“I know that, and honestly, I think I just fully realized my desire right here, right now.”
Dr. Brown leaned back against her chair. “How do you feel about wanting a baby?”
A smile crept onto Claire’s face. “Excited and relieved. It’s something that’s been lurking for a while, and now, I know that’s what I want.” Claire didn’t want to need these sessions, but maybe she did, maybe the talking did help. “Doctor, I also know my husband. He’ll be worried about me. He’s already concerned about the decrease in medications. He’ll be overly concerned about my getting off of them altogether. And when it comes to a baby, he’ll be worried because… because Nichol’s delivery was rather difficult.”
“Yes, I saw your medical records. The doctor who delivered her sent me his notes.”
“But this time… this time will be different. We aren’t on some tropical island. I’ll be here in Iowa. Things will be better.”
“Are you trying to convince me or yourself?”
Claire shrugged. “I’d be lying if I said the idea of giving birth again didn’t make me nervous. Tony told me about Nichol’s delivery. I don’t remember any of it.”
Dr. Brown’s eyes widened.
“I was unconscious. It’s not a matter of selective memory, if that’s what you’re wondering.”
“I have a statement from your husband, one I’ve had since you were first admitted. I seem to recall the doctor asking him to make a choice.”
Claire sat, nodded again, as the lump re-formed in her throat. “He told me. He said that he told the doctor there was no choice. He had to save us both.” A smirk came to her lips. “Anthony Rawlings has a history of getting what he wants.”
Dr. Brown didn’t speak.
“Those times make me love him more than ever, and I want to reciprocate his love and gestures. I just feel like sometimes there’s a fog, a barrier that I have to push through. And when I hear a more demanding tone or feel a more possessive touch that block goes away.” Claire shook her head. “Before the medication I didn’t feel like this.”
“What happened early on in your relationship when you heard that tone or felt that touch?”
Claire swallowed the lump forming in her throat. “I responded.”
“You responded. What if you weren’t in the mood?”
“It didn’t matter.” Tears streamed from the corner of Claire’s eyes as she closed her lids. Finally she asked, “Are you saying that that’s what’s happening? I’m responding now, like a conditioned response?”
“What do you think?”
“I think I love my husband and I want to be with him. I miss experiencing the sweet times and the more erotic times. I want it all.”
They sat in silence as more tears formed in Claire’s eyes. Her thoughts swirled. This wasn’t where she planned on this session going. She loved Tony with all her heart and soul. She adored the man who made her feel as though the sun rose and set because of her, and she craved the man who craved her. As she contemplated the two Tonys, thoughts of Emily’s baby infiltrated. Claire knew it wasn’t right for her to be jealous of her sister, not after all she’d done for her. However, Emily had experienced all the baby firsts, twice. She’d had them with both Michael and Nichol. Though it was selfish, Claire realized what she truly wanted. It wasn’t only to feel everything, no matter how intense. No, she wanted more than that.
Wiping her eyes with a tissue, Claire faced Dr. Brown. “I want another baby. I want to experience the time we missed with Nichol. I don’t want to replace her. That’s not what I mean. But we missed so much. She was a baby—a tiny baby, three months old. We missed her crawling, walking, talking. When we got her back she was a little person with a mind of her own.” Claire wiped the tear from her cheek. “She’s the most beautiful, amazing child, but I want what I missed.”
Claire’s chest suddenly felt lighter with the verbalization of her realization. It was cathartic. Subconsciously, she’d been thinking about another baby for months now. Every time she talked with Emily about Beth, Courtney about Julia, or saw Sue with her two children. But up until this moment, Claire hadn’t admitted the truth to anyone, not even herself. Getting off the medication was more than about the way it made her feel. It was about wanting another baby.
“Have you spoken to your husband about any of this?”
Claire shook her head.
“Why?”
“Because, the sex stuff… I don’t want him to feel like he needs to behave one way or another for me. I want his true emotions and that’s what I want to give him.”
“That’s fair. What about a baby? Having another baby isn’t a unilateral decision.”
“I know that, and honestly, I think I just fully realized my desire right here, right now.”
Dr. Brown leaned back against her chair. “How do you feel about wanting a baby?”
A smile crept onto Claire’s face. “Excited and relieved. It’s something that’s been lurking for a while, and now, I know that’s what I want.” Claire didn’t want to need these sessions, but maybe she did, maybe the talking did help. “Doctor, I also know my husband. He’ll be worried about me. He’s already concerned about the decrease in medications. He’ll be overly concerned about my getting off of them altogether. And when it comes to a baby, he’ll be worried because… because Nichol’s delivery was rather difficult.”
“Yes, I saw your medical records. The doctor who delivered her sent me his notes.”
“But this time… this time will be different. We aren’t on some tropical island. I’ll be here in Iowa. Things will be better.”
“Are you trying to convince me or yourself?”
Claire shrugged. “I’d be lying if I said the idea of giving birth again didn’t make me nervous. Tony told me about Nichol’s delivery. I don’t remember any of it.”
Dr. Brown’s eyes widened.
“I was unconscious. It’s not a matter of selective memory, if that’s what you’re wondering.”
“I have a statement from your husband, one I’ve had since you were first admitted. I seem to recall the doctor asking him to make a choice.”
Claire sat, nodded again, as the lump re-formed in her throat. “He told me. He said that he told the doctor there was no choice. He had to save us both.” A smirk came to her lips. “Anthony Rawlings has a history of getting what he wants.”
