Beyond the Consequences
Page 31
Claire blinked her eyes. “I am being honest. I don’t know exactly what the dreams are about. I do know they aren’t the exact same. But I’ll reiterate: I’m ready to get off all the medicine. I think I’ll sleep better without it.”
“You never had nightmares before you were on these meds, ever?” the doctor asked.
Tony looked to his right. He knew she did. He remembered the nightmares she had after the Patrick Chester incident, the long nights sitting outside on the patio, looking up at the stars and wishing he could take it all away. He remembered the helplessness as she’d succumb to her tears and melt against his chest. It took months before those fears finally came to rest. His overwhelming desire to help her ease out of this conversation squelched his reasoning to continue it.
“Doctor, can’t some of this be normal?” Tony hated using that word. He squeezed Claire’s hand, hopeful that she wouldn’t assume he was insinuating anything about her was abnormal.
“It is. Dreams are our subconscious way of dealing with stress.”
“Isn’t it a good thing that Claire’s dealing with it?”
Dr. Brown looked back to Claire. “Do you know what the stressor is? Do you know the trigger?”
Claire looked at Tony. He saw the answer in her eyes. The FBI didn’t want them mentioning the mailings, yet if he truly thought about it, there seemed to be a correlation. The nightmares would come for a day or two following a new Rawls-Nichols mailing.
“The two of you must be straightforward. Is there a problem that I’m unaware exists? Could this be about another child?”
They both turned back to Dr. Brown. “No,” Claire answered matter-of-factly. “We’ve discussed it. As long as you and my other doctors are on board, we’re both happy about the prospect of another baby.”
Dr. Brown turned her gaze to Tony.
“I’ve made no secret out of the fact that I’m concerned about my wife; however, the more she and I discuss it, the more I realize I’d love to have another child.” He smirked to himself. Damn, that wasn’t a sentence he could’ve predicted uttering five years ago. “But,” he added, “Claire’s health is the most important. If she can’t handle it, then it won’t happen. Or…” He looked to Claire. “…we could adopt.”
“We could?” Her emerald eyes glistened toward his. It wasn’t a subject they’d ever broached. “You’re truly on board with this. You want another child that much?”
Seeing the sparkle behind her gaze told him that this was what she wanted. “I am and I do.”
Dr. Brown cleared her throat. “I’m glad to hear you’ve made this decision together. It’s not my job to crush my patient’s dreams, but I think you should consider your pasts, both of you. Adoption, legal adoption, requires extensive background screenings. I’m not saying that you wouldn’t pass. I’m saying that even with the financial means, there’s no guarantee.”
Claire didn’t seem to be hearing Dr. Brown; instead, her eyes were still fixed on Tony’s. Finally, she turned to the woman across the desk. “I know what my nightmares were about. I know what triggers them. It isn’t anything between Tony and I, not really. We’re just not at liberty to discuss it fully.”
Before anyone could speak, Claire added, “But in all honesty, I don’t think that was the only stimulus. I’ve been worried that Tony didn’t want another child as much as I did. I realize I’m asking a lot.” She continued on as if he weren’t sitting right next to her, their knees and hands touching. “Tony and I have discussed many different issues that may arise with another child. One obvious issue…” She turned and grinned. “…is age. Sorry.” She shrugged her shoulders. “It’s not just him. I’m no spring chicken either. I’m thirty-three, but Tony is fifty-two. I’ve been afraid that if this medication doesn’t get out of my system soon, it will be too late.”
Claire looked at Dr. Brown as a renegade tear made its way down her cheek. “I’m not saying it’s caused me nightmares, but I wake up thinking about it and have difficulty falling back to sleep. I’ve felt pressured that things must move fast or they never will.”
“And now?” Dr. Brown asked.
“Now, I know it doesn’t matter. He is behind me on this.”
“Anthony?”
“Yes, Dr. Brown, I’m supportive of another child. Whether it’s our biological child or we’re fortunate enough to adopt, I want Claire to be happy and,” he added with emphasis, “I would like another child. I never imagined being a father, never even entertained the idea. Claire’s changed my life in ways I’ll never be able to articulate. Being a husband and a father has brought me more joy than any business deal or personal quest. Nichol is our world. It seems as though Claire’s done well with the medication changes thus far. Whatever you and her other doctors recommend, we’ll do.”
“Claire, we’ve determined that some of your dreams make you agitated. Does anything else upset you?”
Claire exhaled. “Yes. Things upset me and things excite me. None of it becomes obsessive or overbearing. It’s life. Life has ups and downs. I like them. I like being happy and sad. I like when a book makes me cry or Nichol makes me laugh. I like when my husband’s gaze and gentle kiss give me goose bumps with anticipation. Those are all coming back to me and I want it one hundred percent.”
“You never had nightmares before you were on these meds, ever?” the doctor asked.
Tony looked to his right. He knew she did. He remembered the nightmares she had after the Patrick Chester incident, the long nights sitting outside on the patio, looking up at the stars and wishing he could take it all away. He remembered the helplessness as she’d succumb to her tears and melt against his chest. It took months before those fears finally came to rest. His overwhelming desire to help her ease out of this conversation squelched his reasoning to continue it.
“Doctor, can’t some of this be normal?” Tony hated using that word. He squeezed Claire’s hand, hopeful that she wouldn’t assume he was insinuating anything about her was abnormal.
“It is. Dreams are our subconscious way of dealing with stress.”
“Isn’t it a good thing that Claire’s dealing with it?”
Dr. Brown looked back to Claire. “Do you know what the stressor is? Do you know the trigger?”
Claire looked at Tony. He saw the answer in her eyes. The FBI didn’t want them mentioning the mailings, yet if he truly thought about it, there seemed to be a correlation. The nightmares would come for a day or two following a new Rawls-Nichols mailing.
“The two of you must be straightforward. Is there a problem that I’m unaware exists? Could this be about another child?”
They both turned back to Dr. Brown. “No,” Claire answered matter-of-factly. “We’ve discussed it. As long as you and my other doctors are on board, we’re both happy about the prospect of another baby.”
Dr. Brown turned her gaze to Tony.
“I’ve made no secret out of the fact that I’m concerned about my wife; however, the more she and I discuss it, the more I realize I’d love to have another child.” He smirked to himself. Damn, that wasn’t a sentence he could’ve predicted uttering five years ago. “But,” he added, “Claire’s health is the most important. If she can’t handle it, then it won’t happen. Or…” He looked to Claire. “…we could adopt.”
“We could?” Her emerald eyes glistened toward his. It wasn’t a subject they’d ever broached. “You’re truly on board with this. You want another child that much?”
Seeing the sparkle behind her gaze told him that this was what she wanted. “I am and I do.”
Dr. Brown cleared her throat. “I’m glad to hear you’ve made this decision together. It’s not my job to crush my patient’s dreams, but I think you should consider your pasts, both of you. Adoption, legal adoption, requires extensive background screenings. I’m not saying that you wouldn’t pass. I’m saying that even with the financial means, there’s no guarantee.”
Claire didn’t seem to be hearing Dr. Brown; instead, her eyes were still fixed on Tony’s. Finally, she turned to the woman across the desk. “I know what my nightmares were about. I know what triggers them. It isn’t anything between Tony and I, not really. We’re just not at liberty to discuss it fully.”
Before anyone could speak, Claire added, “But in all honesty, I don’t think that was the only stimulus. I’ve been worried that Tony didn’t want another child as much as I did. I realize I’m asking a lot.” She continued on as if he weren’t sitting right next to her, their knees and hands touching. “Tony and I have discussed many different issues that may arise with another child. One obvious issue…” She turned and grinned. “…is age. Sorry.” She shrugged her shoulders. “It’s not just him. I’m no spring chicken either. I’m thirty-three, but Tony is fifty-two. I’ve been afraid that if this medication doesn’t get out of my system soon, it will be too late.”
Claire looked at Dr. Brown as a renegade tear made its way down her cheek. “I’m not saying it’s caused me nightmares, but I wake up thinking about it and have difficulty falling back to sleep. I’ve felt pressured that things must move fast or they never will.”
“And now?” Dr. Brown asked.
“Now, I know it doesn’t matter. He is behind me on this.”
“Anthony?”
“Yes, Dr. Brown, I’m supportive of another child. Whether it’s our biological child or we’re fortunate enough to adopt, I want Claire to be happy and,” he added with emphasis, “I would like another child. I never imagined being a father, never even entertained the idea. Claire’s changed my life in ways I’ll never be able to articulate. Being a husband and a father has brought me more joy than any business deal or personal quest. Nichol is our world. It seems as though Claire’s done well with the medication changes thus far. Whatever you and her other doctors recommend, we’ll do.”
“Claire, we’ve determined that some of your dreams make you agitated. Does anything else upset you?”
Claire exhaled. “Yes. Things upset me and things excite me. None of it becomes obsessive or overbearing. It’s life. Life has ups and downs. I like them. I like being happy and sad. I like when a book makes me cry or Nichol makes me laugh. I like when my husband’s gaze and gentle kiss give me goose bumps with anticipation. Those are all coming back to me and I want it one hundred percent.”
