Beyond the Consequences
Page 56
Long ago he’d stopped wondering how someone so lovely and loving could love him. He had to. The obsession almost cost him everything. At Yankton he’d come to the conclusion that it wasn’t truly possible. Claire’s love couldn’t be real, not for someone like him. Subsequently, the reality he finally reached was that he couldn’t accept her love and forgiveness until he loved and forgave himself. It was a breakthrough realization. No one in his life had ever forgiven his indiscretions. No one in his life forgave; instead, they sought justice and vengeance. It was all he’d ever known, until her: the one woman who had every right to hate and seek revenge didn’t. The one person he’d wronged more than any other, and instead of cementing his tomb of hatred, she shattered it into a million pieces, giving him light where there had only been dark.
That realization changed everything. Tony no longer conducted his business affairs as he had, and yet he was still successful. He no longer treated his friends as he had, and they were closer for it. The difficult side of this new way of living was the dependence he now felt toward Claire. Before Claire, he was an island. Tony needed no one, nor did he depend on anyone. At the time, the isolation was comforting. If no one knew the real him, he would never be hurt. If he looked at spreadsheets and saw only numbers, not lives or livelihoods, decisions were easier. The world of black and white may be a solitary place to live, but it’s an easier one to navigate. The colorful explosion that occurred AC was blinding and exhilarating. Everything in every aspect of his life was now different.
Anthony Rawlings knelt beside the woman who’d changed him in more ways than he ever thought he wanted to change her. As he did, he knew he wouldn’t go back to black and white, to BC. He didn’t want to. She was one of his anchors, keeping him from slipping back into that abyss. In a short time he’d have another—another child, another anchor. Tony’s life was about more than himself. It was about Claire, Nichol, and soon Nathaniel. Tony looked up into the color that changed it all, the one shade that began the cascade of pigments that transformed his world forever. Tony gazed into the depth of emerald green.
Claire’s chair moved back and forth as he placed his hands on her midsection and asked, “Is it your back?”
She nodded. “It was, but now I’m just thinking.”
He waited for more. When none was given, he asked, “About?”
Her petite hands framed his scruffy cheeks. “Tony, will you promise me something?”
Feeling the movement within her, he knew there was nothing within his power he wouldn’t do. She truly didn’t need to ask. “Anything.”
“If, and I’m not saying it will happen, but if you’re faced with the same question you were when Nichol was born, and both isn’t an option…” She took a deep breath. “…choose Nate.”
Tony sat back on his heels and stared. “No.”
Tears descended her cheeks and her nostrils flared, yet her voice held no sign of emotion. “I’ve been thinking about it. I know the chances are slim. All the doctors have been satisfied with the way this pregnancy has progressed. Even Madeline keeps reassuring me. But Tony…” She reached for his hand. “…you always get your way.”
“That’s not always true, but if it were, my way is you.”
“No, listen,” Claire implored. “You always get your way. If you demand they save Nate, they will. And…” she began before Tony could speak. “…I want you to know, I’m all right with that decision. I never want you to question yourself. I’ve lived the most amazing life. I’ve known every emotion, experienced the lowest lows and the highest highs. I know both love and hatred. I’ve seen places in this world that I never as a little girl even knew existed. Though I’ve lived through nightmares, you’ve fulfilled every dream. Tony, that’s more than most people experience in a lifetime.”
He couldn’t stop the emotion building in his chest. “Claire, this conversation isn’t necessary.”
She nodded. “I hope you’re right. I want more. I want to hold Nate in my arms and shower him with kisses. I want to look into Nichol’s beautiful brown eyes and tell her I love her as she goes to college or walks down the aisle. I want to sit beside you and watch our grandchildren play.” Her quiet tears turned to sobs. “But if I don’t, if all that I’ve done is all that I do, being loved by you and giving life to two amazing children are the greatest accomplishments I could ask for.” She gasped for breath. “Please, Tony, please promise me that you’ll choose Nate.”
He couldn’t go another second without the woman before him in his arms. Tony stood and gently tugged Claire from the chair. When she stood, he wrapped her in his arms, and they stood in the stillness of the nursery. As her shoulders shuddered and she buried her face against his chest, tears coated his cheeks. Facing their previously unspoken fears allowed a peace to settle. Finally, Tony leaned away and wiped her tears with his thumb. “My dear, there is nothing I will ever deny you and you know that. As soon as Nathaniel Sherman Rawlings is ready to enter this world he will, and when that happens, he’ll be laid in your waiting arms, awaiting the shower of kisses. That is not debatable.”
SHE NEEDED TO hear her husband’s words and tone. Her anxiety had been building stronger with each day as Nathaniel’s due date approached. Claire didn’t want to leave her family, but she unselfishly loved them more than herself. Though Madeline’s reassurances had helped, hearing Tony’s proclamation made it better. The tone he used as he uttered the words: That is not debatable, was a melody to her ears and a shot of reassurance to her heart.
That realization changed everything. Tony no longer conducted his business affairs as he had, and yet he was still successful. He no longer treated his friends as he had, and they were closer for it. The difficult side of this new way of living was the dependence he now felt toward Claire. Before Claire, he was an island. Tony needed no one, nor did he depend on anyone. At the time, the isolation was comforting. If no one knew the real him, he would never be hurt. If he looked at spreadsheets and saw only numbers, not lives or livelihoods, decisions were easier. The world of black and white may be a solitary place to live, but it’s an easier one to navigate. The colorful explosion that occurred AC was blinding and exhilarating. Everything in every aspect of his life was now different.
Anthony Rawlings knelt beside the woman who’d changed him in more ways than he ever thought he wanted to change her. As he did, he knew he wouldn’t go back to black and white, to BC. He didn’t want to. She was one of his anchors, keeping him from slipping back into that abyss. In a short time he’d have another—another child, another anchor. Tony’s life was about more than himself. It was about Claire, Nichol, and soon Nathaniel. Tony looked up into the color that changed it all, the one shade that began the cascade of pigments that transformed his world forever. Tony gazed into the depth of emerald green.
Claire’s chair moved back and forth as he placed his hands on her midsection and asked, “Is it your back?”
She nodded. “It was, but now I’m just thinking.”
He waited for more. When none was given, he asked, “About?”
Her petite hands framed his scruffy cheeks. “Tony, will you promise me something?”
Feeling the movement within her, he knew there was nothing within his power he wouldn’t do. She truly didn’t need to ask. “Anything.”
“If, and I’m not saying it will happen, but if you’re faced with the same question you were when Nichol was born, and both isn’t an option…” She took a deep breath. “…choose Nate.”
Tony sat back on his heels and stared. “No.”
Tears descended her cheeks and her nostrils flared, yet her voice held no sign of emotion. “I’ve been thinking about it. I know the chances are slim. All the doctors have been satisfied with the way this pregnancy has progressed. Even Madeline keeps reassuring me. But Tony…” She reached for his hand. “…you always get your way.”
“That’s not always true, but if it were, my way is you.”
“No, listen,” Claire implored. “You always get your way. If you demand they save Nate, they will. And…” she began before Tony could speak. “…I want you to know, I’m all right with that decision. I never want you to question yourself. I’ve lived the most amazing life. I’ve known every emotion, experienced the lowest lows and the highest highs. I know both love and hatred. I’ve seen places in this world that I never as a little girl even knew existed. Though I’ve lived through nightmares, you’ve fulfilled every dream. Tony, that’s more than most people experience in a lifetime.”
He couldn’t stop the emotion building in his chest. “Claire, this conversation isn’t necessary.”
She nodded. “I hope you’re right. I want more. I want to hold Nate in my arms and shower him with kisses. I want to look into Nichol’s beautiful brown eyes and tell her I love her as she goes to college or walks down the aisle. I want to sit beside you and watch our grandchildren play.” Her quiet tears turned to sobs. “But if I don’t, if all that I’ve done is all that I do, being loved by you and giving life to two amazing children are the greatest accomplishments I could ask for.” She gasped for breath. “Please, Tony, please promise me that you’ll choose Nate.”
He couldn’t go another second without the woman before him in his arms. Tony stood and gently tugged Claire from the chair. When she stood, he wrapped her in his arms, and they stood in the stillness of the nursery. As her shoulders shuddered and she buried her face against his chest, tears coated his cheeks. Facing their previously unspoken fears allowed a peace to settle. Finally, Tony leaned away and wiped her tears with his thumb. “My dear, there is nothing I will ever deny you and you know that. As soon as Nathaniel Sherman Rawlings is ready to enter this world he will, and when that happens, he’ll be laid in your waiting arms, awaiting the shower of kisses. That is not debatable.”
SHE NEEDED TO hear her husband’s words and tone. Her anxiety had been building stronger with each day as Nathaniel’s due date approached. Claire didn’t want to leave her family, but she unselfishly loved them more than herself. Though Madeline’s reassurances had helped, hearing Tony’s proclamation made it better. The tone he used as he uttered the words: That is not debatable, was a melody to her ears and a shot of reassurance to her heart.
