Bite Me: A Love Story

Chapter 2

 
2. Test
1. The Countess Abigail Von Normal is:
A. Emergency Backup Mistress of the Bay Area Dark.
B. A Gothic hottie consumed by the banal hopelessness of existence.
C. Not perky, but dark, complex, and trs mysterious.
D. All the above, and possibly more.
2. The vampire Flood and his nosferatu maker, the Countess Jody, were imprisoned in a bronze shell in the pose from Rodin's The Kiss because:
A. Their love is eternal and their mingled souls will live on in romantic embrace to the end of time.
B. Foo and I were pretty sure that the Countess would go FOAKES (Freak Out and Kill Everything in Sight) when she found out our plan to turn the Animals back to human.
C. We just like to look at our friends, naked and bronzed, because it gets us all hot.
D. I can't believe you picked "c." You should get a big "L" tattooed on your forehead to save people time in figuring out what a ginormous loser you are! You wish that Foo and I needed pervy preludes to stimulate our orgasmic, toe-curling soul-sex. Trust me, the sun weeps that it cannot achieve the blistering hotness of our nookie.
3. Despite myths perpetrated by jealous day dwellers, the nosferatu are only vulnerable to the effects of:
A. Garlic. (Right, because pizza and the breath of vegans will quell their ancient power.)
B. Crosses and holy water. (Oh right, because creatures of darkest evil are total bitches of the baby Jebus.)
C. Silver. (Uh-huh, and aluminum, because that makes sense.)
D. Sunlight.
4. My and Foo's greatest challenge as minions is to protect our dark masters, the Countess and Lord Flood, from:
A. Cops, specifically Inspector Rivera and his clueless Gay Bear partner Cavuto.
B. The most crusty old vampire and his mysterious fashion-vamp posse.
C. The Animals, slacker wastee night crew from the Marina Safeway.
D. All of the above and whatnot.
5. Our best chance of defeating Chet, the huge shaved vampire cat, is:
A. Mouse ninjas.
B. A big hug while wearing my most fly UV-LED leather jacket, fashioned for my protection by my aforementioned muffin master, Foo.
C. A saucer of tuna blood laced with sedatives and kitty-butt flavor. (I observed in his former mortal form, that Chet loves kitty-butt flavor.)
D. Make a vampire Rottweiler to rock Chet's worldview.
E. Either "a" or "c," but definitely not "d" wouldn't "a" be trs cool? Mouse ninjas!
Answers:
1: D, 2: B, 3: D, 4: D, 5: E
Give yourself one point for every right answer.
Score:
5. You rock my stripy socks.
4. Loser!
3. Trs Loser!
2. Such a Loser that Losers pity you.
0-1. Spare us your contagious loserness. Next bridge you pass? Over you go.