Black Howl
Page 12
He stopped for a moment, and I was afraid to speak, afraid to break the spell. I held my breath, waiting.
“After they killed him, I went into the wild. I wanted to die. I wanted animals to rip my limbs from me, as it seemed only right. But I was bitten by a wolf, and, rather than die as I wished, I was condemned to walk the Earth forever. I can never escape my memories, and I don’t deserve to.”
“Was he really who he said he was?” I asked tentatively.
“I don’t know,” Jude said heavily. “All I know is that he was good, and I loved him, and Lucifer tricked me into giving him up. I swore that I would protect my alpha with everything that I had, that I would never again trust another outsider. And today, I trusted a face with Lucifer hiding behind it again, and now Wade is gone.”
“I am not Lucifer,” I said fiercely. “We don’t know that Wade is dead. I promise you, I will find him.”
“Lucifer enjoys making promises he doesn’t intend to keep.”
“I am not Lucifer,” I repeated.
Jude turned away from me. I didn’t blame him for not believing me. If I had been immortalized as the most famous traitor the world had ever known because of Lucifer’s actions, I wouldn’t believe me, either.
But this was a promise I would keep. I would find Wade, and show Jude that I was more than just another face of Lucifer.
The snake on my palm wriggled, as if to say, Good luck with that.
I handed the care of the cubs off to Jude and his pack mates, secretly glad not to face the rest of the pack. I didn’t want to see the joy on their mothers’ faces when they were reunited with their children, only to watch it turn to heartbreak when they realized their kids were damaged beyond repair.
I went a little ways in the woods until I could find a clearing. I had no idea how to make a portal, but after what had happened today I knew that the snake would know what to do.
“Get me home,” I whispered.
The snake wriggled in response and a portal opened before me. While it was mostly unnerving to have an entity operating independently of my body, it did occasionally have its benefits. I didn’t relish the thought of flying back to Chicago from northern Wisconsin.
Of course, I thought as I stepped into the portal, this isn’t my favorite way to travel, either.
I landed in my own backyard with a crash, just a few inches away from my back porch. I was lucky I hadn’t broken a bone yet.
I stood up, brushed my clothes off and started for the stairs. And stopped when I saw Gabriel there, as still as stone.
My head had been so full of Jude’s tale that I’d forgotten about Gabriel, about what I’d said to him before he left.
“Gabriel,” I said, unsure of how to proceed. Crow-eating is not my favorite pastime.
“I see you have returned safely, my lady,” he said stiffly.
The “my lady” bit set me off again. “Don’t start. I am sick of you pulling this crap whenever you want to put distance between us.”
“And what ‘crap’ might that be, my lady?” he asked. Not a muscle twitched as he stood there, but I could hear the heat in his voice.
I stomped forward, ready to have it out about this once and for all. I walked toward him until he was forced to back into the side of the house, and then I left him no room to move without touching me. “This thing that you do where you act like a thrall when it’s convenient for you and ignore me when it’s not.”
“Would my lady prefer that I act more like a thrall should?”
I grabbed his shoulders and gave him a little shake. “I don’t want you to act like a thrall at all, and you know that.”
“I will act however my lady wishes me to act. That is my duty.”
“No, that is your choice. You want to hold me away, to make sure that we never face each other as equals.”
“We are not equals, Madeline,” he said, and his façade cracked. I saw the heat and the anger and the want that he bottled up inside. “I have told you this time and again. Even when I was Azazel’s we were not equals. We do not live in a world where it is possible for us.”
“It was also impossible that I come back from the dead,” I said. “It was impossible for me to defeat a nephilim, or to defy Amarantha in her own court. It was impossible for me to survive the Maze. But I did all of those things.”
“It is not the same. You believe you can ignore the dictates of Lucifer’s kingdom, to defy the class structure that has been in place for thousands of years?”
“Yes,” I said. “Because I don’t care about Lucifer’s stupid class system.”
“It exists whether you care about it or not. Would you condemn my life for your own pleasure?”
I stepped back, stung. “You know that’s not what this is about.”
“Then what is it about, Madeline?” Gabriel said softly. “What is it that you want from me?”
I put my hand on his cheek, felt the roughness of his stubble. A muscle twitched in his jaw.
“I want the truth from you,” I said. “I want you to tell me what is in your heart, not what you think you want me to hear. I want to know what you keep hidden from the world because you have been raised to believe that it’s wrong for you. I want to know that you feel what I feel.”
For the second time that night it felt like the Earth had stopped spinning on its axis, that all things in the darkness went still and waited.
He covered my hand with his hand, turned my palm toward his mouth and kissed it. His fingers tightened around mine.
“You wish to know the truth.”
“Yes,” I said, my heart pounding in my chest.
“You wish to know what it is that I feel.”
I nodded, unable to speak further, every part of my body focused on the point of contact between us, the touch of his hand on mine.
“You wish to know that I have not had a restful night’s sleep since the first moment that I laid eyes upon you. You wish to know that every time I see your face my only thought is to possess you utterly.”
I closed my eyes. “Yes.”
“You wish to know that the love that you showed me by fighting the Maze humbled me absolutely. You wish to know that the longing that I feel has brought me to my knees, that I am powerless against it.
“You wish to know that there is no one for me but you in all the ages of the worlds, that I love you so completely that it consumes me, that every day that I cannot have you my heart is torn to pieces inside me.”
He moved forward, eliminated that tiny increment of space between us so that I could feel the heat of him pressed against me, my face turned to his like he was the sun.
“That is what I wish to know,” I said raggedly. “Now show me.”
This time he did not hesitate, and it was like being consumed by a ravaging hurricane. I met his ferocity with my own, the intensity of his longing matched by mine.
“This is what I have wanted,” I said as he kissed me, his hands under my coat, under my shirt, sliding over my hips. “This is what I have always wanted.”
We fell to our knees, the snow-covered grass warming beneath us, the ice melting in the heat that was quite literally generated between us. Angels are born of the sun, and our meeting was like the collision of two blazing stars in the coldness of space.
I pushed Gabriel to the ground, rolled on top of him, slid my hands beneath his shirt and heard him groan in response.
“Am I interrupting something?” an amused voice said.
I knew that voice, and so did Gabriel. He pulled away from me, his eyes panicked, but I pressed my hand to his shoulder so he wouldn’t dump me on the ground in his haste to stand up. I put my forehead against his, made him meet my eyes.
“This was not a mistake,” I said for his ears alone, even though I knew our observer could hear me.
Gabriel shook his head, and I could see everything he had just revealed sinking back inside him, and his regret at showing me in the first place.
“This was not a mistake,” I said fiercely. “Don’t you dare go back to the way you were before.”
His face was stiff as he nodded. I knew I had lost him, again. And that made me angry. I pushed off him, and Gabriel scrambled to his feet, bowing low.
“Lord Lucifer,” he said.
I stood up and crossed my arms at my distant relation. “What the hell do you want now?”
I heard Gabriel’s sharp intake of breath.
Lucifer chuckled. He seems to find my defiance amusing. It was probably the only thing that kept me from being blasted from the face of the Earth, because I knew for a fact that no one else was allowed to talk to Lucifer this way.
He leaned against the tree that stood in the corner of my backyard, wearing a particularly natty suit and very shiny shoes. His golden hair shone under the light from the streetlamps, and his glossy black wings were folded behind him. He pushed away from the tree and walked toward us. Gabriel stood at parade rest, his hands crossed in front of him, his face revealing nothing.
“Perhaps I just wanted a visit with my grandchildren, immediate and otherwise,” he said.
“Or perhaps you’ve come to ruin my day, as you seem to enjoy doing that,” I snapped back.
I never liked seeing Lucifer at the best of times, and I was particularly irritated that he had shown up just in time to drive another wedge between Gabriel and myself.
“I must confess that I do have an ulterior motive for my appearance,” he said.
“Color me surprised,” I muttered.
Lucifer stopped in front of me and reached toward my hair. He pulled a dead leaf from my no-doubt completely tangled mess and dropped it wordlessly to the ground, his eyebrow raised.
I lifted my chin. I was not going to apologize for breaking the laws of his kingdom when those laws were stupid to begin with. Especially if he wasn’t inclined to enforce them at the moment.
“The Grigori are convening in two days’ time to try Samiel ap Ramuell for his crimes,” Lucifer said.
My arms dropped to my sides. I felt cold. “They can’t.”
“After they killed him, I went into the wild. I wanted to die. I wanted animals to rip my limbs from me, as it seemed only right. But I was bitten by a wolf, and, rather than die as I wished, I was condemned to walk the Earth forever. I can never escape my memories, and I don’t deserve to.”
“Was he really who he said he was?” I asked tentatively.
“I don’t know,” Jude said heavily. “All I know is that he was good, and I loved him, and Lucifer tricked me into giving him up. I swore that I would protect my alpha with everything that I had, that I would never again trust another outsider. And today, I trusted a face with Lucifer hiding behind it again, and now Wade is gone.”
“I am not Lucifer,” I said fiercely. “We don’t know that Wade is dead. I promise you, I will find him.”
“Lucifer enjoys making promises he doesn’t intend to keep.”
“I am not Lucifer,” I repeated.
Jude turned away from me. I didn’t blame him for not believing me. If I had been immortalized as the most famous traitor the world had ever known because of Lucifer’s actions, I wouldn’t believe me, either.
But this was a promise I would keep. I would find Wade, and show Jude that I was more than just another face of Lucifer.
The snake on my palm wriggled, as if to say, Good luck with that.
I handed the care of the cubs off to Jude and his pack mates, secretly glad not to face the rest of the pack. I didn’t want to see the joy on their mothers’ faces when they were reunited with their children, only to watch it turn to heartbreak when they realized their kids were damaged beyond repair.
I went a little ways in the woods until I could find a clearing. I had no idea how to make a portal, but after what had happened today I knew that the snake would know what to do.
“Get me home,” I whispered.
The snake wriggled in response and a portal opened before me. While it was mostly unnerving to have an entity operating independently of my body, it did occasionally have its benefits. I didn’t relish the thought of flying back to Chicago from northern Wisconsin.
Of course, I thought as I stepped into the portal, this isn’t my favorite way to travel, either.
I landed in my own backyard with a crash, just a few inches away from my back porch. I was lucky I hadn’t broken a bone yet.
I stood up, brushed my clothes off and started for the stairs. And stopped when I saw Gabriel there, as still as stone.
My head had been so full of Jude’s tale that I’d forgotten about Gabriel, about what I’d said to him before he left.
“Gabriel,” I said, unsure of how to proceed. Crow-eating is not my favorite pastime.
“I see you have returned safely, my lady,” he said stiffly.
The “my lady” bit set me off again. “Don’t start. I am sick of you pulling this crap whenever you want to put distance between us.”
“And what ‘crap’ might that be, my lady?” he asked. Not a muscle twitched as he stood there, but I could hear the heat in his voice.
I stomped forward, ready to have it out about this once and for all. I walked toward him until he was forced to back into the side of the house, and then I left him no room to move without touching me. “This thing that you do where you act like a thrall when it’s convenient for you and ignore me when it’s not.”
“Would my lady prefer that I act more like a thrall should?”
I grabbed his shoulders and gave him a little shake. “I don’t want you to act like a thrall at all, and you know that.”
“I will act however my lady wishes me to act. That is my duty.”
“No, that is your choice. You want to hold me away, to make sure that we never face each other as equals.”
“We are not equals, Madeline,” he said, and his façade cracked. I saw the heat and the anger and the want that he bottled up inside. “I have told you this time and again. Even when I was Azazel’s we were not equals. We do not live in a world where it is possible for us.”
“It was also impossible that I come back from the dead,” I said. “It was impossible for me to defeat a nephilim, or to defy Amarantha in her own court. It was impossible for me to survive the Maze. But I did all of those things.”
“It is not the same. You believe you can ignore the dictates of Lucifer’s kingdom, to defy the class structure that has been in place for thousands of years?”
“Yes,” I said. “Because I don’t care about Lucifer’s stupid class system.”
“It exists whether you care about it or not. Would you condemn my life for your own pleasure?”
I stepped back, stung. “You know that’s not what this is about.”
“Then what is it about, Madeline?” Gabriel said softly. “What is it that you want from me?”
I put my hand on his cheek, felt the roughness of his stubble. A muscle twitched in his jaw.
“I want the truth from you,” I said. “I want you to tell me what is in your heart, not what you think you want me to hear. I want to know what you keep hidden from the world because you have been raised to believe that it’s wrong for you. I want to know that you feel what I feel.”
For the second time that night it felt like the Earth had stopped spinning on its axis, that all things in the darkness went still and waited.
He covered my hand with his hand, turned my palm toward his mouth and kissed it. His fingers tightened around mine.
“You wish to know the truth.”
“Yes,” I said, my heart pounding in my chest.
“You wish to know what it is that I feel.”
I nodded, unable to speak further, every part of my body focused on the point of contact between us, the touch of his hand on mine.
“You wish to know that I have not had a restful night’s sleep since the first moment that I laid eyes upon you. You wish to know that every time I see your face my only thought is to possess you utterly.”
I closed my eyes. “Yes.”
“You wish to know that the love that you showed me by fighting the Maze humbled me absolutely. You wish to know that the longing that I feel has brought me to my knees, that I am powerless against it.
“You wish to know that there is no one for me but you in all the ages of the worlds, that I love you so completely that it consumes me, that every day that I cannot have you my heart is torn to pieces inside me.”
He moved forward, eliminated that tiny increment of space between us so that I could feel the heat of him pressed against me, my face turned to his like he was the sun.
“That is what I wish to know,” I said raggedly. “Now show me.”
This time he did not hesitate, and it was like being consumed by a ravaging hurricane. I met his ferocity with my own, the intensity of his longing matched by mine.
“This is what I have wanted,” I said as he kissed me, his hands under my coat, under my shirt, sliding over my hips. “This is what I have always wanted.”
We fell to our knees, the snow-covered grass warming beneath us, the ice melting in the heat that was quite literally generated between us. Angels are born of the sun, and our meeting was like the collision of two blazing stars in the coldness of space.
I pushed Gabriel to the ground, rolled on top of him, slid my hands beneath his shirt and heard him groan in response.
“Am I interrupting something?” an amused voice said.
I knew that voice, and so did Gabriel. He pulled away from me, his eyes panicked, but I pressed my hand to his shoulder so he wouldn’t dump me on the ground in his haste to stand up. I put my forehead against his, made him meet my eyes.
“This was not a mistake,” I said for his ears alone, even though I knew our observer could hear me.
Gabriel shook his head, and I could see everything he had just revealed sinking back inside him, and his regret at showing me in the first place.
“This was not a mistake,” I said fiercely. “Don’t you dare go back to the way you were before.”
His face was stiff as he nodded. I knew I had lost him, again. And that made me angry. I pushed off him, and Gabriel scrambled to his feet, bowing low.
“Lord Lucifer,” he said.
I stood up and crossed my arms at my distant relation. “What the hell do you want now?”
I heard Gabriel’s sharp intake of breath.
Lucifer chuckled. He seems to find my defiance amusing. It was probably the only thing that kept me from being blasted from the face of the Earth, because I knew for a fact that no one else was allowed to talk to Lucifer this way.
He leaned against the tree that stood in the corner of my backyard, wearing a particularly natty suit and very shiny shoes. His golden hair shone under the light from the streetlamps, and his glossy black wings were folded behind him. He pushed away from the tree and walked toward us. Gabriel stood at parade rest, his hands crossed in front of him, his face revealing nothing.
“Perhaps I just wanted a visit with my grandchildren, immediate and otherwise,” he said.
“Or perhaps you’ve come to ruin my day, as you seem to enjoy doing that,” I snapped back.
I never liked seeing Lucifer at the best of times, and I was particularly irritated that he had shown up just in time to drive another wedge between Gabriel and myself.
“I must confess that I do have an ulterior motive for my appearance,” he said.
“Color me surprised,” I muttered.
Lucifer stopped in front of me and reached toward my hair. He pulled a dead leaf from my no-doubt completely tangled mess and dropped it wordlessly to the ground, his eyebrow raised.
I lifted my chin. I was not going to apologize for breaking the laws of his kingdom when those laws were stupid to begin with. Especially if he wasn’t inclined to enforce them at the moment.
“The Grigori are convening in two days’ time to try Samiel ap Ramuell for his crimes,” Lucifer said.
My arms dropped to my sides. I felt cold. “They can’t.”
