Bloodfever
Page 71
I tasted one of the vile ones now.
It saturated my cheeks and tongue, made my lips draw back from my teeth, and I finally understood why Id never been able to put a name to it. It wasnt the taste of a food or drink. It was the taste of an emotion: regret. Profound, exquisite sorrow that bubbles from the wellspring of the soul over the mistakes weve made, over the actions we should or shouldnt have taken, long after its too late and nothing can be done or undone.
I was alive.
But that wasnt my regret.
Barrons was bending over me.
That wasnt my regret, either.
It was the look on his face that told me more frankly than a doctors prognosis that I wasnt going to make it. I was alive, but not for long. My rescuer was here, my knight-errant had arrived to save the day, but Id blown it.
It was too late for me.
I could have survivedif only Id not given up hope.
I wept. I think. I couldnt feel my face much.
What was it hed said to me, that night wed robbed Rocky OBannion? Id listened. Id even thought it had sounded terribly wise. I just hadnt understood it. A sidhe-seer without hope, without an unshakable determination to survive, is a dead sidhe-seer. A sidhe-seer who believes herself outgunned, outmanned, may as well point that doubt straight at her temple, pull the trigger, and blow her own brains out with it. There are really only two positions one can take toward anything in life: hope or fear. Hope strengthens, fear kills.
I got it now.
Are your-real? My mouth had been badly lacerated by my teeth. My tongue was thick with blood and regret. I knew what I was trying to say. I wasnt sure it was intelligible.
He nodded grimly.
It wasMallucnot dead, I told him.
Nostrils flared, eyes narrowed, he hissed, I know, I smell him in here, everywhere. This place reeks of him. Dont talk. Bloody hell, what did he do to you? What did you do? Did you piss him off on purpose?
Barrons knew me too well. He t-told me youwerentcoming. I was cold, so cold. Other than that, there was oddly little pain. I wondered if that meant my spinal cord was damaged.
He glanced wildly about as if looking for something, and if hed been any other man, I would have called his emotional state frantic. And you believed him? No, dont answer that. I said dont talk. Just be still. Fuck. Mac. Fuck.
Hed called me Mac. My face hurt too bad to smile, but I did inside. B-Barrons?
I said dont talk, he snarled.
I put all my energy into getting this out. D-Dont let mediedown here. Diedown here, echoed weakly back at me. Please. Take metothesunshine. Bury me in a bikini, I thought. Lay me next to my sister.
Fuck, he exploded again. I need things! He was standing, looking around the cavern again, with that frantic air. I wondered what things he thought he might find here. Splints wouldnt help this time. I tried to tell him that but nothing came out. I also tried to tell him I was sorry. That didnt come out either.
I must have blinked. His face was close to mine. His hand was in my hair. His breath was warm on my cheek. Theres nothing here that I can use, Mac, he said hollowly. If we were somewhere else, if I had certain things, there arespells I could do. But you wont live long enough for me to get you there.
A long silence ensued, or he was speaking and I just wasnt hearing him. Time had no relevance. I was floating.
His face was over me again, a dark angel. Basque and Pict, hed told me. Criminals and barbarians, Id mocked. A beautiful face, for all that savagery. You cant die, Mac. His voice was flat, implacable. I wont let you.
Sostopme, I managed, although I wasnt sure the irony I meant carried through in my tone. My voice was weak, reedy. At least my sense of humor wasnt gone. And at least Malluc hadnt gotten to turn me into a monster before I died. That was a silver lining. I hoped my dad would take good care of my mom. I hoped someone would take care of Dani. Id wanted to get to know her better. Beneath all that bristle Id sensed a kindred soul.
I hadnt avenged Alina. Now who would?
This isnt what I wanted, Barrons was saying. This isnt what I would have chosen. You must know that. Its important you know that.
I had no idea what he was talking about. There was a kernel of something gnawing at the back of my mind. Something I needed to think about. A choice to be made.
I felt his fingers on my eyelids. He eased them closed.
But Im not dead yet, I wanted to tell him.
His hand was a warm pressure on my neck. My head lolled to the side.
D-Dont let mediedown here, was echoing back at me again in my head. I was astonished by how weak and stupid I sounded. How helpless. All fluff and no steel. I was pathetic with a capital P.
I tasted the second vile taste in my mouth. It drew tight the insides of my cheeks, and saliva pooled in my mouth. I examined the taste, rolling it on my tongue like spoiled wine. This time I recognized the poison before I drank it: cowardice.
I was still making the same mistake. Giving up hope before the fight was over.
My fight wasnt over. I might not like my choicesin fact, I might despise my choicesbut my fight wasnt over.
It saturated my cheeks and tongue, made my lips draw back from my teeth, and I finally understood why Id never been able to put a name to it. It wasnt the taste of a food or drink. It was the taste of an emotion: regret. Profound, exquisite sorrow that bubbles from the wellspring of the soul over the mistakes weve made, over the actions we should or shouldnt have taken, long after its too late and nothing can be done or undone.
I was alive.
But that wasnt my regret.
Barrons was bending over me.
That wasnt my regret, either.
It was the look on his face that told me more frankly than a doctors prognosis that I wasnt going to make it. I was alive, but not for long. My rescuer was here, my knight-errant had arrived to save the day, but Id blown it.
It was too late for me.
I could have survivedif only Id not given up hope.
I wept. I think. I couldnt feel my face much.
What was it hed said to me, that night wed robbed Rocky OBannion? Id listened. Id even thought it had sounded terribly wise. I just hadnt understood it. A sidhe-seer without hope, without an unshakable determination to survive, is a dead sidhe-seer. A sidhe-seer who believes herself outgunned, outmanned, may as well point that doubt straight at her temple, pull the trigger, and blow her own brains out with it. There are really only two positions one can take toward anything in life: hope or fear. Hope strengthens, fear kills.
I got it now.
Are your-real? My mouth had been badly lacerated by my teeth. My tongue was thick with blood and regret. I knew what I was trying to say. I wasnt sure it was intelligible.
He nodded grimly.
It wasMallucnot dead, I told him.
Nostrils flared, eyes narrowed, he hissed, I know, I smell him in here, everywhere. This place reeks of him. Dont talk. Bloody hell, what did he do to you? What did you do? Did you piss him off on purpose?
Barrons knew me too well. He t-told me youwerentcoming. I was cold, so cold. Other than that, there was oddly little pain. I wondered if that meant my spinal cord was damaged.
He glanced wildly about as if looking for something, and if hed been any other man, I would have called his emotional state frantic. And you believed him? No, dont answer that. I said dont talk. Just be still. Fuck. Mac. Fuck.
Hed called me Mac. My face hurt too bad to smile, but I did inside. B-Barrons?
I said dont talk, he snarled.
I put all my energy into getting this out. D-Dont let mediedown here. Diedown here, echoed weakly back at me. Please. Take metothesunshine. Bury me in a bikini, I thought. Lay me next to my sister.
Fuck, he exploded again. I need things! He was standing, looking around the cavern again, with that frantic air. I wondered what things he thought he might find here. Splints wouldnt help this time. I tried to tell him that but nothing came out. I also tried to tell him I was sorry. That didnt come out either.
I must have blinked. His face was close to mine. His hand was in my hair. His breath was warm on my cheek. Theres nothing here that I can use, Mac, he said hollowly. If we were somewhere else, if I had certain things, there arespells I could do. But you wont live long enough for me to get you there.
A long silence ensued, or he was speaking and I just wasnt hearing him. Time had no relevance. I was floating.
His face was over me again, a dark angel. Basque and Pict, hed told me. Criminals and barbarians, Id mocked. A beautiful face, for all that savagery. You cant die, Mac. His voice was flat, implacable. I wont let you.
Sostopme, I managed, although I wasnt sure the irony I meant carried through in my tone. My voice was weak, reedy. At least my sense of humor wasnt gone. And at least Malluc hadnt gotten to turn me into a monster before I died. That was a silver lining. I hoped my dad would take good care of my mom. I hoped someone would take care of Dani. Id wanted to get to know her better. Beneath all that bristle Id sensed a kindred soul.
I hadnt avenged Alina. Now who would?
This isnt what I wanted, Barrons was saying. This isnt what I would have chosen. You must know that. Its important you know that.
I had no idea what he was talking about. There was a kernel of something gnawing at the back of my mind. Something I needed to think about. A choice to be made.
I felt his fingers on my eyelids. He eased them closed.
But Im not dead yet, I wanted to tell him.
His hand was a warm pressure on my neck. My head lolled to the side.
D-Dont let mediedown here, was echoing back at me again in my head. I was astonished by how weak and stupid I sounded. How helpless. All fluff and no steel. I was pathetic with a capital P.
I tasted the second vile taste in my mouth. It drew tight the insides of my cheeks, and saliva pooled in my mouth. I examined the taste, rolling it on my tongue like spoiled wine. This time I recognized the poison before I drank it: cowardice.
I was still making the same mistake. Giving up hope before the fight was over.
My fight wasnt over. I might not like my choicesin fact, I might despise my choicesbut my fight wasnt over.
