Blue Lines
Page 57
“It doesn’t matter, I still have a claim on her.”
Phillip continued to laugh as he shook his head. “Doesn’t work that way, friend. Either she is yours or she’s not.”
“She’s mine, and back off,” Erik found himself saying and even he was shocked by his words. Phillip’s eyes went wide as he sent Erik a nod.
“Wow, first honest thing I’ve heard you say about her.”
Erik covered his face as he took in deep breaths. “I care about her, I do, but this won’t work. I am not the guy for her. I am good now because I’m not out anywhere but when I start playing again. I’ll cheat on her. Even if I don’t want to.”
“How do you know? You can control you penis, you know?” he said as he dropped down beside him.
“I know, but what if I don’t want to?”
“Did you want to when we were out in Las Vegas? I didn’t even see you look twice at any female,” Phillip pointed out.
Erik shook his head as he swallowed loudly. “Because I had her on my mind and I knew she was upstairs alone. I wanted to be up there with her.”
“See? This could work if you’d let it, but since you keep thinking you are like your biological parents, you won’t allow yourself to try. Erik, you are not them. If we were our parents, then I’d be a crackhead, sleeping with anything for my next fix.”
Erik shook his head. He hated when Phillip brought up his family. His mom was dirty, the most vile person Erik had ever met. She made his real mom and dad look like parents of the year. Maybe Phillip was right, he came out okay, but that was mostly because he left at such a young age. Erik didn’t get away until he was thirteen.
“You were never around them growing up.”
“Neither were you. When was the last time you saw them? Like eleven years ago? My mom called me every other month asking for money until three days before she died, and look at me, I’m okay. Now all I gotta worry about is my sister calling me for money, but it’s okay. We are not them. We are our own people. We make our future. They don’t get to dictate that for us.”
Erik shook his head. “It isn’t that easy.”
“I don’t know how it isn’t when you have Alla and Cooper, two of the greatest people I know. I don’t have them. All I have is Tate and you, when you aren’t being a prick and answer your phone.”
Well, didn’t that make Erik feel like shit? “Wow, would you like to add anything else to that guilt platter you’re serving?”
Phillip’s laughter filled the room. “Dude, I’m not trying to make you feel bad. I’m telling you that you’d be okay if you let your parents go and embrace what you have now. You are always living in the past when you don’t need to be. Live in the now, and right now you have friends and family who love you, and a wife who is having your baby. That’s two more people who could love you if you’d let them.”
Erik paused, looking down at his bare feet before asking, “Where is all this coming from?”
Phillip shrugged his shoulders as he petted Stanley. “I think you are risking a good thing because you are scared.”
“Maybe I am, but isn’t that my choice? I don’t want to hurt her, because like you said, I can’t let the past go. I don’t know how to, and I am scared shitless that if I give in to this desire to be with her, I will hurt her, and I don’t want that.”
“You’ll never know how to do something unless you ask for help or try it on your own. I think you should give her a chance.”
“I tried, Phillip,” Erik complained, running his hands through his unruly hair. “I stood there holding her belly and my kid kicked, and I swear it was like the kid was kicking me in my gut. I looked up, and she was looking at me, like there is no one in the world but me, and it scared me. She scares me, because she makes me want things, makes me want to change.”
Phillip nodded as he ran his hands down Stanley’s fur. Looking over at Erik with a grin on his face, he said, “I look forward to that moment, the moment when I find the girl who makes me want to change, because I think it is pure luck to find a girl like that. It means that you care, that you love her and care how she feels. It means she matters.”
“Whoa!” Erik exclaimed with his hands up in the air. “Who said anything about loving anyone? Change, Phillip, I said, change for her, no love. I have never been in love with a woman a day in my life and no matter how much she makes me want to change, I don’t think I’ve ever loved her. I feel like I care for her, or something, but I don’t love her.”
Phillip laughed as he rolled his eyes. “You might not now, but you could if you allowed yourself to.”
“She worries the piss out of me. When she is mad, I get upset, too, but that doesn’t mean anything. It means that she is getting under my skin and that I need to get the f**k out! Because I actually care about the ultrasound, does that make any sense? I actually care about finding out what the baby is because she cares, and I like to make her happy.”
“I’d want to know that, too. That’s cool. When is that?”
Erik paused. “The twenty—oh f**k!”
“What?” Phillip asked.
Suddenly the front door flew open, banging against the wall, causing some pictures to fall. It startled them both and Stanley started barking his ass off. Standing in the doorway was a very angry pregnant woman.
Phillip continued to laugh as he shook his head. “Doesn’t work that way, friend. Either she is yours or she’s not.”
“She’s mine, and back off,” Erik found himself saying and even he was shocked by his words. Phillip’s eyes went wide as he sent Erik a nod.
“Wow, first honest thing I’ve heard you say about her.”
Erik covered his face as he took in deep breaths. “I care about her, I do, but this won’t work. I am not the guy for her. I am good now because I’m not out anywhere but when I start playing again. I’ll cheat on her. Even if I don’t want to.”
“How do you know? You can control you penis, you know?” he said as he dropped down beside him.
“I know, but what if I don’t want to?”
“Did you want to when we were out in Las Vegas? I didn’t even see you look twice at any female,” Phillip pointed out.
Erik shook his head as he swallowed loudly. “Because I had her on my mind and I knew she was upstairs alone. I wanted to be up there with her.”
“See? This could work if you’d let it, but since you keep thinking you are like your biological parents, you won’t allow yourself to try. Erik, you are not them. If we were our parents, then I’d be a crackhead, sleeping with anything for my next fix.”
Erik shook his head. He hated when Phillip brought up his family. His mom was dirty, the most vile person Erik had ever met. She made his real mom and dad look like parents of the year. Maybe Phillip was right, he came out okay, but that was mostly because he left at such a young age. Erik didn’t get away until he was thirteen.
“You were never around them growing up.”
“Neither were you. When was the last time you saw them? Like eleven years ago? My mom called me every other month asking for money until three days before she died, and look at me, I’m okay. Now all I gotta worry about is my sister calling me for money, but it’s okay. We are not them. We are our own people. We make our future. They don’t get to dictate that for us.”
Erik shook his head. “It isn’t that easy.”
“I don’t know how it isn’t when you have Alla and Cooper, two of the greatest people I know. I don’t have them. All I have is Tate and you, when you aren’t being a prick and answer your phone.”
Well, didn’t that make Erik feel like shit? “Wow, would you like to add anything else to that guilt platter you’re serving?”
Phillip’s laughter filled the room. “Dude, I’m not trying to make you feel bad. I’m telling you that you’d be okay if you let your parents go and embrace what you have now. You are always living in the past when you don’t need to be. Live in the now, and right now you have friends and family who love you, and a wife who is having your baby. That’s two more people who could love you if you’d let them.”
Erik paused, looking down at his bare feet before asking, “Where is all this coming from?”
Phillip shrugged his shoulders as he petted Stanley. “I think you are risking a good thing because you are scared.”
“Maybe I am, but isn’t that my choice? I don’t want to hurt her, because like you said, I can’t let the past go. I don’t know how to, and I am scared shitless that if I give in to this desire to be with her, I will hurt her, and I don’t want that.”
“You’ll never know how to do something unless you ask for help or try it on your own. I think you should give her a chance.”
“I tried, Phillip,” Erik complained, running his hands through his unruly hair. “I stood there holding her belly and my kid kicked, and I swear it was like the kid was kicking me in my gut. I looked up, and she was looking at me, like there is no one in the world but me, and it scared me. She scares me, because she makes me want things, makes me want to change.”
Phillip nodded as he ran his hands down Stanley’s fur. Looking over at Erik with a grin on his face, he said, “I look forward to that moment, the moment when I find the girl who makes me want to change, because I think it is pure luck to find a girl like that. It means that you care, that you love her and care how she feels. It means she matters.”
“Whoa!” Erik exclaimed with his hands up in the air. “Who said anything about loving anyone? Change, Phillip, I said, change for her, no love. I have never been in love with a woman a day in my life and no matter how much she makes me want to change, I don’t think I’ve ever loved her. I feel like I care for her, or something, but I don’t love her.”
Phillip laughed as he rolled his eyes. “You might not now, but you could if you allowed yourself to.”
“She worries the piss out of me. When she is mad, I get upset, too, but that doesn’t mean anything. It means that she is getting under my skin and that I need to get the f**k out! Because I actually care about the ultrasound, does that make any sense? I actually care about finding out what the baby is because she cares, and I like to make her happy.”
“I’d want to know that, too. That’s cool. When is that?”
Erik paused. “The twenty—oh f**k!”
“What?” Phillip asked.
Suddenly the front door flew open, banging against the wall, causing some pictures to fall. It startled them both and Stanley started barking his ass off. Standing in the doorway was a very angry pregnant woman.
