Boarded by Love
Page 115
“Oh, Claire,” she whispers, wrapping her arms around me. “It’s gonna work out. This will work. Come on, let’s watch it and upload it.”
Nodding, I take in a deep breath as we fall to our butts and watch the video. Of course, I’m my own worst critic and see where I could have done something better, but I feel that Jude will love this –that this might be the golden ticket to get him to talk to me. I mean, I just laid it all out there. I’m basically begging here and I thought I would never do that, that I would never beg for someone to love me. But for Jude, I’d do anything.
“It’s perfect,” she says and I nod.
“I agree. Here, let me upload it,” I say, taking my phone from her and going to my Facebook. Opening a status, I type:
Jude Marshall Sinclair, I love you. More than words. I’m sorry.
I then tag him and upload the video. We don’t talk as we watch it upload and then wait as it processes. When it’s completely uploaded and I see it on my newsfeed, I wait. I know he has it set to where if you tag him, it text messages him. So as long as he has his phone, which he probably does, he has to have seen it, but I’m not getting anything. People are liking the video, even commenting that we’re the cutest couple in the world but nothing from Jude.
“Maybe he doesn’t have his phone?” Skylar asks after twenty minutes of staring at my phone.
“He always has his phone,” I say, clicking on the status again, but this time I see that his name isn’t tagged to my status anymore. “What the hell? Did I not tag him?”
“No, I saw it tagged,” she says, looking over at my screen.
“Shit,” I mutter and then click to tag him again, but when I do, I can’t find his name. “What the hell?” I whisper and then I type his name up in the search bar. When I click on his name, I see why he wasn’t tagged in my status and why I couldn’t tag him.
He unfriended me.
He doesn’t want me.
I can’t take it.
I don’t make it through the video before I’m stopping it and closing my whole Facebook app down. The only problem is that everyone and their momma is commenting on the post, and it’s a constant reminder of the love that I let go. Opening the app back up, I go to her profile and just stare at the picture of us together. We were so happy, and I was so unbelievably blind to what she was hiding, but it is by far my favorite picture of us. I even have it as my profile picture. My lips are so close to hers, and I’m whispering that I love her. She giggled and then she snapped the picture.
It is a picture of our love.
I want to go through my phone and delete everything, but I can’t bring myself to do it. I know it’s only been four days, but each day it gets harder and harder because everything reminds me of her. I want to call her, I want to answer her texts, I want to find her and just hold her. I want to forgive her, but all I see is my mother, balled up in her bed, crying. If Claire could hide this part of her, what would keep her from hiding anything else from me? How do I trust her? How do I forgive her?
I feel my tears stinging my eyes, so before I chicken out, I hit the unfriend button, and then without really thinking, I throw my phone across the hall. Falling into my pillows, I hide my face in them and allow myself to let it all go. As soon as I close my eyes though, I see her. I see her body moving to the music of the video in such an effortless way, a way I love because it’s so beautiful. I see my jersey on her and something about her wearing that jersey always hits me straight in the gut. I see her eyes, flooded with tears, begging me to forgive her and to just hold her and tell her I love her. I can’t, though. Biting the inside of my cheek to keep myself for sobbing out loud, I squeeze my eyes tight and beg for it all to go away.
The pain. I want it gone, but it doesn’t subside. It only grows – completely taking over and making me feel like I have nothing. In a way, I don’t. I don’t have Claire. She was my everything, and now I’m just alone. I changed; I became the man who deserves a girl like her, and now I’m alone. Why is that fair? I did everything right. I never lied, cheated, I was brutally honest, and fucking hell, I love her with everything inside me. How could she fucking lie to me? Did she not trust me? Our love? What? Why didn’t she tell me? I mean, yeah, I would have been a little mad and a little jealous, but we would have figured it out, but instead she lied. She hid a whole other part of herself because she knew it was wrong, and that makes me mad all over again.
I feel almost lightheaded.
Like I’m high on something that gives me the shakes because I’m about to see her. It’s been a full week since I’ve seen her in person. I still stalk her Facebook even though I deleted her, and I still look at our pictures more times then I’d like to admit. Tonight is a home game though, and I’m going to see her. Even if I’m not ready to. Dressed and ready to go, I stand in front of my locker, rocking side to side in my skates. I’m listening to a bunch of Ed Sheeran, which isn’t what I usually listen to before games. He’s all I’ve been listening to since I got in Jayden’s car and we drove off. For some reason, I like his songs of love and getting drunk; they soothe me, almost.
Letting out a long breath, I look around at my teammates. Everyone is quiet, preparing for the game. I want it to be loud and distracting – anything to get my mind off what has happened in the last week. Since deleting Claire from my Facebook, somehow everyone knew and the girls are coming at me in droves. I don’t even know how they got my number or why they think Facebooking me pictures of them in their undies is going to make me call them, but that doesn’t stop them from doing just that. I want to delete everyone, hell, my whole Facebook. That is a great idea, so I’ll do just that. Sitting down, I dig my phone out of my bag and deactivate my account. When it confirms that I’m no longer a member of Facebook, I feel a little better, but then I remember that I’m not with Claire and my mood turns sour once more.
Closing my eyes, I lean back in my locker and just wait. The game should be starting soon, and when my skates hit the ice, I think I’ll forget everything. I’ll forget that Claire lied to me, that my dad is a horrible excuse for a man, that my mom cries twenty-four seven, and that things may never be the same. I may live the rest of my life alone because if I can’t be with her, I don’t want anyone else. When my phone vibrates in my hand, I look down to see that it’s a text from my mom.
Nodding, I take in a deep breath as we fall to our butts and watch the video. Of course, I’m my own worst critic and see where I could have done something better, but I feel that Jude will love this –that this might be the golden ticket to get him to talk to me. I mean, I just laid it all out there. I’m basically begging here and I thought I would never do that, that I would never beg for someone to love me. But for Jude, I’d do anything.
“It’s perfect,” she says and I nod.
“I agree. Here, let me upload it,” I say, taking my phone from her and going to my Facebook. Opening a status, I type:
Jude Marshall Sinclair, I love you. More than words. I’m sorry.
I then tag him and upload the video. We don’t talk as we watch it upload and then wait as it processes. When it’s completely uploaded and I see it on my newsfeed, I wait. I know he has it set to where if you tag him, it text messages him. So as long as he has his phone, which he probably does, he has to have seen it, but I’m not getting anything. People are liking the video, even commenting that we’re the cutest couple in the world but nothing from Jude.
“Maybe he doesn’t have his phone?” Skylar asks after twenty minutes of staring at my phone.
“He always has his phone,” I say, clicking on the status again, but this time I see that his name isn’t tagged to my status anymore. “What the hell? Did I not tag him?”
“No, I saw it tagged,” she says, looking over at my screen.
“Shit,” I mutter and then click to tag him again, but when I do, I can’t find his name. “What the hell?” I whisper and then I type his name up in the search bar. When I click on his name, I see why he wasn’t tagged in my status and why I couldn’t tag him.
He unfriended me.
He doesn’t want me.
I can’t take it.
I don’t make it through the video before I’m stopping it and closing my whole Facebook app down. The only problem is that everyone and their momma is commenting on the post, and it’s a constant reminder of the love that I let go. Opening the app back up, I go to her profile and just stare at the picture of us together. We were so happy, and I was so unbelievably blind to what she was hiding, but it is by far my favorite picture of us. I even have it as my profile picture. My lips are so close to hers, and I’m whispering that I love her. She giggled and then she snapped the picture.
It is a picture of our love.
I want to go through my phone and delete everything, but I can’t bring myself to do it. I know it’s only been four days, but each day it gets harder and harder because everything reminds me of her. I want to call her, I want to answer her texts, I want to find her and just hold her. I want to forgive her, but all I see is my mother, balled up in her bed, crying. If Claire could hide this part of her, what would keep her from hiding anything else from me? How do I trust her? How do I forgive her?
I feel my tears stinging my eyes, so before I chicken out, I hit the unfriend button, and then without really thinking, I throw my phone across the hall. Falling into my pillows, I hide my face in them and allow myself to let it all go. As soon as I close my eyes though, I see her. I see her body moving to the music of the video in such an effortless way, a way I love because it’s so beautiful. I see my jersey on her and something about her wearing that jersey always hits me straight in the gut. I see her eyes, flooded with tears, begging me to forgive her and to just hold her and tell her I love her. I can’t, though. Biting the inside of my cheek to keep myself for sobbing out loud, I squeeze my eyes tight and beg for it all to go away.
The pain. I want it gone, but it doesn’t subside. It only grows – completely taking over and making me feel like I have nothing. In a way, I don’t. I don’t have Claire. She was my everything, and now I’m just alone. I changed; I became the man who deserves a girl like her, and now I’m alone. Why is that fair? I did everything right. I never lied, cheated, I was brutally honest, and fucking hell, I love her with everything inside me. How could she fucking lie to me? Did she not trust me? Our love? What? Why didn’t she tell me? I mean, yeah, I would have been a little mad and a little jealous, but we would have figured it out, but instead she lied. She hid a whole other part of herself because she knew it was wrong, and that makes me mad all over again.
I feel almost lightheaded.
Like I’m high on something that gives me the shakes because I’m about to see her. It’s been a full week since I’ve seen her in person. I still stalk her Facebook even though I deleted her, and I still look at our pictures more times then I’d like to admit. Tonight is a home game though, and I’m going to see her. Even if I’m not ready to. Dressed and ready to go, I stand in front of my locker, rocking side to side in my skates. I’m listening to a bunch of Ed Sheeran, which isn’t what I usually listen to before games. He’s all I’ve been listening to since I got in Jayden’s car and we drove off. For some reason, I like his songs of love and getting drunk; they soothe me, almost.
Letting out a long breath, I look around at my teammates. Everyone is quiet, preparing for the game. I want it to be loud and distracting – anything to get my mind off what has happened in the last week. Since deleting Claire from my Facebook, somehow everyone knew and the girls are coming at me in droves. I don’t even know how they got my number or why they think Facebooking me pictures of them in their undies is going to make me call them, but that doesn’t stop them from doing just that. I want to delete everyone, hell, my whole Facebook. That is a great idea, so I’ll do just that. Sitting down, I dig my phone out of my bag and deactivate my account. When it confirms that I’m no longer a member of Facebook, I feel a little better, but then I remember that I’m not with Claire and my mood turns sour once more.
Closing my eyes, I lean back in my locker and just wait. The game should be starting soon, and when my skates hit the ice, I think I’ll forget everything. I’ll forget that Claire lied to me, that my dad is a horrible excuse for a man, that my mom cries twenty-four seven, and that things may never be the same. I may live the rest of my life alone because if I can’t be with her, I don’t want anyone else. When my phone vibrates in my hand, I look down to see that it’s a text from my mom.
