Boarded by Love
Page 117
“I love you, so much, and I’m really sorry,” she says softly, her voice heavy with emotion. “I’ve thought about you every second of every day for the last week. I’ve texted, called, Facebooked you, everything, in the hopes that you’ll talk to me. Give me a chance. I understand that you’re hurt, and I know I was wrong, but I’m probably a second away from dropping to my knees and begging you to be in my life. I’ve never begged anyone, Jude, no one, but I will for you. Just say the word.”
Still I don’t say anything, and when I look up to meet her sorrowful gaze, something inside me cracks, and my own eyes itch with tears.
“Okay, one-way talking here. At least you’re not walking away,” she says softly, her hand cupping her throat. I tuck my hand that’s not holding my bag in my pocket to keep from reaching out to cup her beautiful face, to wipe away the tears that are falling down her face. “I have a huge offer coming in from the investor in Vegas if my showcase goes well. I’d love for you to be there. I’m so nervous and so scared, and I know having you there will help. It’s Wednesday at nine at Ms. Prissy’s. I hope you’ll come.”
Looking away, I don’t trust myself to say either yes or no. I want to support her, but I can’t even think about doing that because this is what she was lying about. Can I even sit there and watch her move on that stage, knowing that she hid this from me? Looking back down at her, I suck in a deep breath and then I walk away without a word.
“I don’t give up, Jude Sinclair,” she yells suddenly, making me pause mid-step. Everyone turns, looking at us, and I’m frozen. I’m immediately taken back to the first day I met her, when she didn’t want to give me her number or have anything to do with me. The day when I knew she was going to be the one to change me completely. How right I was.
“I love you,” she says. “I won’t give up.”
I don’t dare look back. Instead I finally will myself to move and head to where my family waits, but even then I don’t stop. I keep going and once I’m outside, the cold hitting me in the face, I look up at the sky and gasp for breath. It’s a stunning, clear night, big, beautiful stars in the sky, and that should calm me, but it just pisses me off. Stars remind me of Claire.
I’m about to look away but then a fucking shooting star shoots through the air. One would take that as a sign. Me? I flip it the middle finger.
“Jude?”
I look over my shoulder to find my mom standing behind me. “Hey, Mom, you ready?”
“Yeah, can you drive me home? I think Jayden wants to ride with Lucy and Jace to help with Angie.”
Lie.
“Or you want to talk to me alone and told them they had to ride together?” I ask and she smiles.
“Just hush and drive me home,” she says before turning and heading to Jayden’s car.
I shake my head and follow after her. When we reach the car, she hands me the keys and I get in, starting it up as she buckles her seat belt.
“Seat belt, Jude Marshall.”
I roll my eyes but do as she asks and off we go. She doesn’t say anything like I expect her to. She just rides quietly, her hands laced together in her lap. Every time she takes in a deep breath or clears her throat, I know it’s coming, but still nothing. I don’t get it. I thought she wanted to talk to me?
Glancing over at her, I say, “Good game tonight?”
She shrugs. “Eh, kind of. Your head wasn’t in the game.”
“Yeah, it’s been a rough couple days.”
“Yeah,” she agrees with a nod, and I wait. But nothing. That was the perfect opening! I basically gave it to her on a silver platter. I mean, I don’t want to talk about Claire, or maybe I don’t want to be the one to bring it up. It would be nice to ask what she thinks I should do, but I need some help here. I need her to pull it from me.
“I talked to Claire.”
Okay, maybe I don’t need it pulled from me.
“I saw,” she says with a nod. I glance over at her, waiting for her to ask what happened, but she just sits there. What the hell?
Clearing my throat, I readjust in my seat and then say, “She apologized.”
“That’s good.”
“And she says she still loves me and doesn’t want to lose me. I didn’t say anything, though. I just looked at her, and Mom, I swear it took everything not to lose it. I miss her.”
“I know, sweetheart,” she says, taking my hand in hers, clasping her other hand over it.
I suck in a deep breath. “I just don’t know what to do. I mean, how do I trust her? You know, like, how do I know she won’t ever lie to me again?”
“Do you think she will?” she asks as I pull onto our driveway. I take it slow and shrug my shoulders.
“I don’t know. I mean, if you would have seen the way she looked at me, I don’t think she would, but still it scares me. I don’t want to become the way you were with Dad.”
Her hand squeezes mine, and I know I shouldn’t have said that. It is still very raw, the pain she’s going through, but I have to be honest.
“Claire is not your dad, Jude. She didn’t tell you about a job that she had. She wasn’t sleeping with God and everyone,” she says as I pull up in front of the house. “I think that she made a mistake. Maybe she was embarrassed by what she was doing and didn’t think you’d stick around.”
“I don’t think she was embarrassed. I think she liked the money, but loved me and didn’t want to lose me.”
I look over at her, and she shrugs her shoulders. “You are the one in control here, honey. You can go back to her and make it work, or you can let her go. It’s going to hurt either way. I made both of those choices, and I honestly can’t tell you which one was easier. You have to decide what is best for you.”
I sit for a long time, my thumb stroking her hand as I think. Lucy even pulls up with the rest of my family, but none of them looks at us, they just head inside. I’m glad since I’m not done talking to my mom. I nod, my heart thudding against my chest. Meeting her gaze, I ask, “What would you do?”
“I have no clue,” she answers softly. “But I’ve been scorned too many times, and I’m bitter. I believe a relationship needs trust – it won’t survive without it – but I also believe people make mistakes, and everyone deserves a second chance to make it better.”
Still I don’t say anything, and when I look up to meet her sorrowful gaze, something inside me cracks, and my own eyes itch with tears.
“Okay, one-way talking here. At least you’re not walking away,” she says softly, her hand cupping her throat. I tuck my hand that’s not holding my bag in my pocket to keep from reaching out to cup her beautiful face, to wipe away the tears that are falling down her face. “I have a huge offer coming in from the investor in Vegas if my showcase goes well. I’d love for you to be there. I’m so nervous and so scared, and I know having you there will help. It’s Wednesday at nine at Ms. Prissy’s. I hope you’ll come.”
Looking away, I don’t trust myself to say either yes or no. I want to support her, but I can’t even think about doing that because this is what she was lying about. Can I even sit there and watch her move on that stage, knowing that she hid this from me? Looking back down at her, I suck in a deep breath and then I walk away without a word.
“I don’t give up, Jude Sinclair,” she yells suddenly, making me pause mid-step. Everyone turns, looking at us, and I’m frozen. I’m immediately taken back to the first day I met her, when she didn’t want to give me her number or have anything to do with me. The day when I knew she was going to be the one to change me completely. How right I was.
“I love you,” she says. “I won’t give up.”
I don’t dare look back. Instead I finally will myself to move and head to where my family waits, but even then I don’t stop. I keep going and once I’m outside, the cold hitting me in the face, I look up at the sky and gasp for breath. It’s a stunning, clear night, big, beautiful stars in the sky, and that should calm me, but it just pisses me off. Stars remind me of Claire.
I’m about to look away but then a fucking shooting star shoots through the air. One would take that as a sign. Me? I flip it the middle finger.
“Jude?”
I look over my shoulder to find my mom standing behind me. “Hey, Mom, you ready?”
“Yeah, can you drive me home? I think Jayden wants to ride with Lucy and Jace to help with Angie.”
Lie.
“Or you want to talk to me alone and told them they had to ride together?” I ask and she smiles.
“Just hush and drive me home,” she says before turning and heading to Jayden’s car.
I shake my head and follow after her. When we reach the car, she hands me the keys and I get in, starting it up as she buckles her seat belt.
“Seat belt, Jude Marshall.”
I roll my eyes but do as she asks and off we go. She doesn’t say anything like I expect her to. She just rides quietly, her hands laced together in her lap. Every time she takes in a deep breath or clears her throat, I know it’s coming, but still nothing. I don’t get it. I thought she wanted to talk to me?
Glancing over at her, I say, “Good game tonight?”
She shrugs. “Eh, kind of. Your head wasn’t in the game.”
“Yeah, it’s been a rough couple days.”
“Yeah,” she agrees with a nod, and I wait. But nothing. That was the perfect opening! I basically gave it to her on a silver platter. I mean, I don’t want to talk about Claire, or maybe I don’t want to be the one to bring it up. It would be nice to ask what she thinks I should do, but I need some help here. I need her to pull it from me.
“I talked to Claire.”
Okay, maybe I don’t need it pulled from me.
“I saw,” she says with a nod. I glance over at her, waiting for her to ask what happened, but she just sits there. What the hell?
Clearing my throat, I readjust in my seat and then say, “She apologized.”
“That’s good.”
“And she says she still loves me and doesn’t want to lose me. I didn’t say anything, though. I just looked at her, and Mom, I swear it took everything not to lose it. I miss her.”
“I know, sweetheart,” she says, taking my hand in hers, clasping her other hand over it.
I suck in a deep breath. “I just don’t know what to do. I mean, how do I trust her? You know, like, how do I know she won’t ever lie to me again?”
“Do you think she will?” she asks as I pull onto our driveway. I take it slow and shrug my shoulders.
“I don’t know. I mean, if you would have seen the way she looked at me, I don’t think she would, but still it scares me. I don’t want to become the way you were with Dad.”
Her hand squeezes mine, and I know I shouldn’t have said that. It is still very raw, the pain she’s going through, but I have to be honest.
“Claire is not your dad, Jude. She didn’t tell you about a job that she had. She wasn’t sleeping with God and everyone,” she says as I pull up in front of the house. “I think that she made a mistake. Maybe she was embarrassed by what she was doing and didn’t think you’d stick around.”
“I don’t think she was embarrassed. I think she liked the money, but loved me and didn’t want to lose me.”
I look over at her, and she shrugs her shoulders. “You are the one in control here, honey. You can go back to her and make it work, or you can let her go. It’s going to hurt either way. I made both of those choices, and I honestly can’t tell you which one was easier. You have to decide what is best for you.”
I sit for a long time, my thumb stroking her hand as I think. Lucy even pulls up with the rest of my family, but none of them looks at us, they just head inside. I’m glad since I’m not done talking to my mom. I nod, my heart thudding against my chest. Meeting her gaze, I ask, “What would you do?”
“I have no clue,” she answers softly. “But I’ve been scorned too many times, and I’m bitter. I believe a relationship needs trust – it won’t survive without it – but I also believe people make mistakes, and everyone deserves a second chance to make it better.”
