Boys South of the Mason Dixon
Page 41
“There is more to the story than you know.”
She frowned. “Then tell me.”
“It’s not something I can share.” I replied and walked away from more questions. Hannah had helped me. I appreciated it. But that didn’t give her access to my personal life, past or present.
I forgot about lunch and went to hauling the ten-pound bags of fertilizer from the trailer to the display area. The heat and sweat quickly replaced my thoughts of Dixie and Steel.
It was ten minutes before quitting time when Hannah walked back to my truck. Her sunglasses were perched on the top of her head and her purse was slung over her shoulder. She was leaving.
“You don’t realize what you’re missing being hung up on the past,” she said. It sounded like she’d been working on that line for hours.
I pulled my work gloves off and then lifted my hat from my head to let the breeze hit my forehead, before I responded, “Until you know what Dixie and I have, don’t jump to conclusions, Hannah.”
She thought about that for a moment. Hannah didn’t annoy me too much. I even liked her at times. But at this moment, I was ready to snap at her. Her tendency to judge without knowing all the facts was beginning to wear on my nerves.
“You’ll crush Steel,” she said matter-of-factly.
It was none of her business, but I had to defend Dixie. “He didn’t consider me when he decided to date her.”
“But you broke up with her.”
I was done having this conversation with Hannah. My patience had worn thin.
“Again, you don’t know the whole story so please stay out of it. Now, excuse me, but it’s time for me to leave.”
I didn’t give her time to shoot more questions my way or say anything else. I didn’t want to see her face again today. As much as she’d saved things earlier, she’d ruined it all by sticking her nose where it didn’t belong, trying to hurt the one I loved.
While walking to my truck, Hannah called out to me, “I’m here when this blows up in your face.”
I didn’t need or want her to be there. But I held my anger in check and just kept walking.
When I was finally inside my truck and away from Hannah, I breathed a sigh of relief. Tonight, I would see Dixie again. We’d meet at the lake and she would be mine there. There would be no hiding. No secrets. Just us. I could get through anything knowing that was coming. Even a dinner with my brothers and a very pissed off Steel.
He’d calm down eventually and see this was best for him. I knew I should just admit my feeling for Dixie and face the consequences, but I couldn’t. Not yet. He needed some time first.
Dixie didn’t deserve to be anyone’s dirty little secret and not even protecting Steel justified her becoming one. I had to figure out what was best for everyone, but that would take some thought. For now, we had our lake. I had Dixie. And my thoughts were no longer just memories of better times that kept slicing me open.
Dixie Monroe had always been meant to be mine. Our connection didn’t dwindle even when everything had been thrown at us to keep us apart. We’d have our future one day. I had to believe that.
Dixie Monroe
WHEN I WOKE up this morning, I’d had a romantic evening with Asher all planned out in my head, where I would be in his arms again and there would be no more pretending. No more half-truths. But like most things in my life, things didn’t go as planned. I’d come to the lake an hour early. To think. I needed to decide if I could do this. If I could possibly set myself up for a crushing end again.
I wanted a storybook romance. One where we loved each other, put each other first, had no secrets between us. One where we were free to be ourselves. Everything we never had. Being together now filled us both with fear, guilt, regret, yet we wanted it so desperately, we were willing to pretend. For a few hours, we pretended we had everything, only to wake up to the deafening tick-tocks of a reality check.
It had taken me so long to even find the will to live after I’d lost Asher. Just laughing again had required so much effort. I didn’t know whether I was willing to go through that again, or whether I even still loved him enough to take a chance on us.
Did he love me enough to face his own family just to be with me?
All this was running through my head when his truck pulled up nearby. I didn’t run to him like I used to do, eager to greet him and show him how much I was happy to see him. The urgency to be in his arms in moments like these wasn’t as strong because I no longer felt certain of his love. These doubts held me back, held my whole heart back.
He parked, cut his lights, and walked over to sit down beside me. He didn’t speak at first. It was as if he was reading my thoughts, assessing them in his own mind, before acting. I let him do it. What happened at his work today had opened my eyes to what I might have to endure if we ever decided to continue this in any way.
Hannah got to eat lunch with him, laugh with him, be with him in public. All the things I couldn’t get. How long would it be before he got tired and wanted that too? How long would it be before he went looking for it elsewhere?
“He just needs more time,” Asher finally broke the silence.
“So until then, I have to let Hannah or Amber or Emily enjoy you in ways I can’t.” It wasn’t a question. It was a statement of truth. A painful fact.
He turned to me. “No. Of course, not. I’m not with them. I never will be with any of them. It’s just you, Dix,” he pleaded.
He didn’t get it. He thought moments like these where no one could see us would be enough for me. “Today, you were with Hannah. She got to spend time with you. She got to laugh with you. She got to eat lunch with you for the whole world to see. All things I can’t have.”
His hand covered mine. “She means nothing to me. She’s just a friend. Heck, she’s even barely that. She’s a coworker. We don’t hang out after work. Today, she put up an act entirely for Steel’s sake.”
“No, she acted to please you. To touch you. To make you like her. And to claim you in front of me.”
I sounded jealous and crazy. I knew that. But I couldn’t stop the words spilling from my mouth. My heart was hurting inside my chest.
“Dix, look at me,” he said as his finger slid under my chin and turned my face toward his. “It’s only you and it’s only ever been you. I told you that. I’ve told Hannah that. And after Steel’s had some time to adjust, I will tell him that, too.”
“What if while I’m waiting, your feelings for me change? I’d have to move on again and it almost killed me last time, Asher. I’m not sure I have the strength to—”
Asher lowered his lips to mine to silence them, pressing ever so gently. “It’s always been you, Dix. Just you. There is no way I could ever stop loving you. God knows I’ve tried.”
I let him kiss me again. I let myself trust his lips, hear every silent promise they were making. I let myself forget that he hadn’t been fighting for me, that he had turned us into a dirty little secret just to protect his family. But I only allowed myself to forget for a brief moment. I knew it was time I protected myself against anyone who was not willing to put me first, regardless of how much I loved him.
I gathered enough willpower to break the kiss and put some distance between us. I didn’t look at him in the eyes, knowing the love I’d find in them would break my resolve. But I needed him just one last time, I needed that connection between us, I needed to feel Asher inside me one more time, before I let him go. He had to decide all on his own after that if he was going to fight for me or not.
She frowned. “Then tell me.”
“It’s not something I can share.” I replied and walked away from more questions. Hannah had helped me. I appreciated it. But that didn’t give her access to my personal life, past or present.
I forgot about lunch and went to hauling the ten-pound bags of fertilizer from the trailer to the display area. The heat and sweat quickly replaced my thoughts of Dixie and Steel.
It was ten minutes before quitting time when Hannah walked back to my truck. Her sunglasses were perched on the top of her head and her purse was slung over her shoulder. She was leaving.
“You don’t realize what you’re missing being hung up on the past,” she said. It sounded like she’d been working on that line for hours.
I pulled my work gloves off and then lifted my hat from my head to let the breeze hit my forehead, before I responded, “Until you know what Dixie and I have, don’t jump to conclusions, Hannah.”
She thought about that for a moment. Hannah didn’t annoy me too much. I even liked her at times. But at this moment, I was ready to snap at her. Her tendency to judge without knowing all the facts was beginning to wear on my nerves.
“You’ll crush Steel,” she said matter-of-factly.
It was none of her business, but I had to defend Dixie. “He didn’t consider me when he decided to date her.”
“But you broke up with her.”
I was done having this conversation with Hannah. My patience had worn thin.
“Again, you don’t know the whole story so please stay out of it. Now, excuse me, but it’s time for me to leave.”
I didn’t give her time to shoot more questions my way or say anything else. I didn’t want to see her face again today. As much as she’d saved things earlier, she’d ruined it all by sticking her nose where it didn’t belong, trying to hurt the one I loved.
While walking to my truck, Hannah called out to me, “I’m here when this blows up in your face.”
I didn’t need or want her to be there. But I held my anger in check and just kept walking.
When I was finally inside my truck and away from Hannah, I breathed a sigh of relief. Tonight, I would see Dixie again. We’d meet at the lake and she would be mine there. There would be no hiding. No secrets. Just us. I could get through anything knowing that was coming. Even a dinner with my brothers and a very pissed off Steel.
He’d calm down eventually and see this was best for him. I knew I should just admit my feeling for Dixie and face the consequences, but I couldn’t. Not yet. He needed some time first.
Dixie didn’t deserve to be anyone’s dirty little secret and not even protecting Steel justified her becoming one. I had to figure out what was best for everyone, but that would take some thought. For now, we had our lake. I had Dixie. And my thoughts were no longer just memories of better times that kept slicing me open.
Dixie Monroe had always been meant to be mine. Our connection didn’t dwindle even when everything had been thrown at us to keep us apart. We’d have our future one day. I had to believe that.
Dixie Monroe
WHEN I WOKE up this morning, I’d had a romantic evening with Asher all planned out in my head, where I would be in his arms again and there would be no more pretending. No more half-truths. But like most things in my life, things didn’t go as planned. I’d come to the lake an hour early. To think. I needed to decide if I could do this. If I could possibly set myself up for a crushing end again.
I wanted a storybook romance. One where we loved each other, put each other first, had no secrets between us. One where we were free to be ourselves. Everything we never had. Being together now filled us both with fear, guilt, regret, yet we wanted it so desperately, we were willing to pretend. For a few hours, we pretended we had everything, only to wake up to the deafening tick-tocks of a reality check.
It had taken me so long to even find the will to live after I’d lost Asher. Just laughing again had required so much effort. I didn’t know whether I was willing to go through that again, or whether I even still loved him enough to take a chance on us.
Did he love me enough to face his own family just to be with me?
All this was running through my head when his truck pulled up nearby. I didn’t run to him like I used to do, eager to greet him and show him how much I was happy to see him. The urgency to be in his arms in moments like these wasn’t as strong because I no longer felt certain of his love. These doubts held me back, held my whole heart back.
He parked, cut his lights, and walked over to sit down beside me. He didn’t speak at first. It was as if he was reading my thoughts, assessing them in his own mind, before acting. I let him do it. What happened at his work today had opened my eyes to what I might have to endure if we ever decided to continue this in any way.
Hannah got to eat lunch with him, laugh with him, be with him in public. All the things I couldn’t get. How long would it be before he got tired and wanted that too? How long would it be before he went looking for it elsewhere?
“He just needs more time,” Asher finally broke the silence.
“So until then, I have to let Hannah or Amber or Emily enjoy you in ways I can’t.” It wasn’t a question. It was a statement of truth. A painful fact.
He turned to me. “No. Of course, not. I’m not with them. I never will be with any of them. It’s just you, Dix,” he pleaded.
He didn’t get it. He thought moments like these where no one could see us would be enough for me. “Today, you were with Hannah. She got to spend time with you. She got to laugh with you. She got to eat lunch with you for the whole world to see. All things I can’t have.”
His hand covered mine. “She means nothing to me. She’s just a friend. Heck, she’s even barely that. She’s a coworker. We don’t hang out after work. Today, she put up an act entirely for Steel’s sake.”
“No, she acted to please you. To touch you. To make you like her. And to claim you in front of me.”
I sounded jealous and crazy. I knew that. But I couldn’t stop the words spilling from my mouth. My heart was hurting inside my chest.
“Dix, look at me,” he said as his finger slid under my chin and turned my face toward his. “It’s only you and it’s only ever been you. I told you that. I’ve told Hannah that. And after Steel’s had some time to adjust, I will tell him that, too.”
“What if while I’m waiting, your feelings for me change? I’d have to move on again and it almost killed me last time, Asher. I’m not sure I have the strength to—”
Asher lowered his lips to mine to silence them, pressing ever so gently. “It’s always been you, Dix. Just you. There is no way I could ever stop loving you. God knows I’ve tried.”
I let him kiss me again. I let myself trust his lips, hear every silent promise they were making. I let myself forget that he hadn’t been fighting for me, that he had turned us into a dirty little secret just to protect his family. But I only allowed myself to forget for a brief moment. I knew it was time I protected myself against anyone who was not willing to put me first, regardless of how much I loved him.
I gathered enough willpower to break the kiss and put some distance between us. I didn’t look at him in the eyes, knowing the love I’d find in them would break my resolve. But I needed him just one last time, I needed that connection between us, I needed to feel Asher inside me one more time, before I let him go. He had to decide all on his own after that if he was going to fight for me or not.
