Breaking the Rules
Page 71
My pulse pounds in my ears. “What do you want?”
Her lower lip trembles, and I swear to God she’s tearing out my heart.
“Just tell me.” Though I already know the answer.
“I want...I want more.”
More.
She wants more.
More than the punk. More than the kid with the messed-up past. More as in the guy that doesn’t spend nights behind bars.
I fall back to my ass and knead my eyes in an attempt to recover from the sensation of being pulled under by a wave. Six months. I had six glorious months with her, and it wasn’t enough time. For us. For me. I didn’t find a way to change fast enough to be the man she craves to walk down the street with. “I’ll give you more. I’ll give you everything. I’m changing. Just give me more time.”
Echo wipes at her eyes. “You should change because you want more for yourself, not because I asked for it. And more doesn’t mean material things. I don’t want what happened last night to happen again. I can’t take that. I can’t live that way, but you need to live your life for you, not me.”
The pressure that had been building while rotting in that holding cell erupts. “You’re what I want!”
With exhaustion working against her, Echo struggles to sit up against the back of the bed. “Don’t you see—that’s it. You’re changing to make me happy, and that’s going to make you miserable. It’s the same thing you accuse me of. You say I make decisions based on my need for approval. You want my approval so you change. That’s not healthy.”
She’s not getting it. “You’ve got it wrong. I’m changing because being with you makes me happy. You’re what I think about every second of the day! You’re the reason I have goals. You’re why I find a reason to take a breath when I open my eyes in the morning. I wanted nothing for my life and then I found you. You showed me I could be more, and I want more.”
Echo covers her face with her hands, and her shoulders roll forward. She blows air in and out. Long and deliberate. Each shaky inhale audible. Feeling the burn in my eyes, I suck in a breath like her. “I love you, Echo.”
Dead silence. The hollow abyss kind. The type that convinces me I’ve either gone deaf or died.
“What you said—you’re that for me, too.” She lowers her hands. “When all the cuts on the inside have bled for too long and I’m close to death, you’re the one that pulls me back. I don’t like hurting over you, but I won’t shove you or myself into a box we can’t fit in, either.”
“Tonight...that wasn’t me.”
Echo flattens her lips. “It was.”
Fuck this. “It isn’t who I want to be. Give me another chance. Let me prove to you that I’m the man you’re going to be proud of. The man you want to walk down the street with.”
Echo slowly smoothes her curls behind her ears, staring at me like I’ve grown horns. “I’ve always been proud of you.”
Now she lies. “Bullshit. If that was the case then why the fuck are we having this conversation?”
“Noah...” She slips to the side of the bed, and her leg almost touches mine. “We’re having this conversation because I want you to be happy.”
“Naw, we’re having it because you said you wanted more.” More than me.
Her knee bounces to that silent, screaming rhythm locked inside her. “I don’t mind parties. I don’t mind hanging out. But I don’t want to wonder if I’m going to have to bail my boyfriend out of jail. That wasn’t fun for me.”
“I told you, that was a mistake. This entire night was a mistake. If I could take it back, I would. I’m going to become what you want.”
Echo throws out her arms. “I want you to become who you want! Just like you keep saying that you want me to be happy, even if it’s here in Colorado.”
“I am happy!”
“You went after her,” she shouts. “When push came to shove, you walked away from me and you went after her! That tells me she had something more to give than me. I don’t like feeling this way. I don’t want to force you to be something you’re not!”
My intestines cramp, and I clamp my trap shut. I went after Mia to figure out how to keep Echo, but there’s no way to say that without it sounding crazy. After several hours to think on it, it all seems like madness. “You’re what I want.”
“Noah...why are you becoming an architect?”
“What the hell does that have to do with anything?”
“You keep accusing me of making decisions based on my need to please, but look at yourself. Why are we even here in Vail? You’re supposed to be searching for some long-lost bloodline of your mother’s and instead we go to a party? You are all over the place and I don’t know how to keep up. No offense, but you’re searching for someone’s approval, and I don’t want to be on the wrong end when you figure out that my approval isn’t what you’re looking for.”
A rush of anger tackles me hard. “Like you aren’t searching for your parents’ approval? You aren’t trying to prove yourself in the art world without your mom’s help so you can score some sort of badge to show off to both your mom and dad?”
“At least I know why I’m pursuing art and who I’m trying to prove myself to. Can you say the same?”
The air from my body releases in a slow hiss, and I can’t draw it back in.
“I’m tired,” she says in a strained voice, and when I look up she’s massaging her temples. “I’m tired, and we’re talking in circles.”
It’s like watching the last remnants of sand run through the hourglass, and I’m chained to the wall unable to flip it back over. A flash of panic strikes. Echo could send me away. “Will you let me hold you?”
“No,” she bites out.
I flinch and it’s like she’s impaled me with a sword. “Can I stay?”
A pause. A long one. Please, Echo.
“On the other bed.” She turns off the light and plunges us into darkness. Her mattress creaks and a few seconds later, there’s only the sound of her breathing.
Echo’s laughter, her sighs, the tingle of her silky hair against my bare skin, each sweet and hot kiss...each one of them I’ve taken for granted. Not anymore. I can’t live life thinking there will be a tomorrow for the two of us. “I love you, Echo.”
Her lower lip trembles, and I swear to God she’s tearing out my heart.
“Just tell me.” Though I already know the answer.
“I want...I want more.”
More.
She wants more.
More than the punk. More than the kid with the messed-up past. More as in the guy that doesn’t spend nights behind bars.
I fall back to my ass and knead my eyes in an attempt to recover from the sensation of being pulled under by a wave. Six months. I had six glorious months with her, and it wasn’t enough time. For us. For me. I didn’t find a way to change fast enough to be the man she craves to walk down the street with. “I’ll give you more. I’ll give you everything. I’m changing. Just give me more time.”
Echo wipes at her eyes. “You should change because you want more for yourself, not because I asked for it. And more doesn’t mean material things. I don’t want what happened last night to happen again. I can’t take that. I can’t live that way, but you need to live your life for you, not me.”
The pressure that had been building while rotting in that holding cell erupts. “You’re what I want!”
With exhaustion working against her, Echo struggles to sit up against the back of the bed. “Don’t you see—that’s it. You’re changing to make me happy, and that’s going to make you miserable. It’s the same thing you accuse me of. You say I make decisions based on my need for approval. You want my approval so you change. That’s not healthy.”
She’s not getting it. “You’ve got it wrong. I’m changing because being with you makes me happy. You’re what I think about every second of the day! You’re the reason I have goals. You’re why I find a reason to take a breath when I open my eyes in the morning. I wanted nothing for my life and then I found you. You showed me I could be more, and I want more.”
Echo covers her face with her hands, and her shoulders roll forward. She blows air in and out. Long and deliberate. Each shaky inhale audible. Feeling the burn in my eyes, I suck in a breath like her. “I love you, Echo.”
Dead silence. The hollow abyss kind. The type that convinces me I’ve either gone deaf or died.
“What you said—you’re that for me, too.” She lowers her hands. “When all the cuts on the inside have bled for too long and I’m close to death, you’re the one that pulls me back. I don’t like hurting over you, but I won’t shove you or myself into a box we can’t fit in, either.”
“Tonight...that wasn’t me.”
Echo flattens her lips. “It was.”
Fuck this. “It isn’t who I want to be. Give me another chance. Let me prove to you that I’m the man you’re going to be proud of. The man you want to walk down the street with.”
Echo slowly smoothes her curls behind her ears, staring at me like I’ve grown horns. “I’ve always been proud of you.”
Now she lies. “Bullshit. If that was the case then why the fuck are we having this conversation?”
“Noah...” She slips to the side of the bed, and her leg almost touches mine. “We’re having this conversation because I want you to be happy.”
“Naw, we’re having it because you said you wanted more.” More than me.
Her knee bounces to that silent, screaming rhythm locked inside her. “I don’t mind parties. I don’t mind hanging out. But I don’t want to wonder if I’m going to have to bail my boyfriend out of jail. That wasn’t fun for me.”
“I told you, that was a mistake. This entire night was a mistake. If I could take it back, I would. I’m going to become what you want.”
Echo throws out her arms. “I want you to become who you want! Just like you keep saying that you want me to be happy, even if it’s here in Colorado.”
“I am happy!”
“You went after her,” she shouts. “When push came to shove, you walked away from me and you went after her! That tells me she had something more to give than me. I don’t like feeling this way. I don’t want to force you to be something you’re not!”
My intestines cramp, and I clamp my trap shut. I went after Mia to figure out how to keep Echo, but there’s no way to say that without it sounding crazy. After several hours to think on it, it all seems like madness. “You’re what I want.”
“Noah...why are you becoming an architect?”
“What the hell does that have to do with anything?”
“You keep accusing me of making decisions based on my need to please, but look at yourself. Why are we even here in Vail? You’re supposed to be searching for some long-lost bloodline of your mother’s and instead we go to a party? You are all over the place and I don’t know how to keep up. No offense, but you’re searching for someone’s approval, and I don’t want to be on the wrong end when you figure out that my approval isn’t what you’re looking for.”
A rush of anger tackles me hard. “Like you aren’t searching for your parents’ approval? You aren’t trying to prove yourself in the art world without your mom’s help so you can score some sort of badge to show off to both your mom and dad?”
“At least I know why I’m pursuing art and who I’m trying to prove myself to. Can you say the same?”
The air from my body releases in a slow hiss, and I can’t draw it back in.
“I’m tired,” she says in a strained voice, and when I look up she’s massaging her temples. “I’m tired, and we’re talking in circles.”
It’s like watching the last remnants of sand run through the hourglass, and I’m chained to the wall unable to flip it back over. A flash of panic strikes. Echo could send me away. “Will you let me hold you?”
“No,” she bites out.
I flinch and it’s like she’s impaled me with a sword. “Can I stay?”
A pause. A long one. Please, Echo.
“On the other bed.” She turns off the light and plunges us into darkness. Her mattress creaks and a few seconds later, there’s only the sound of her breathing.
Echo’s laughter, her sighs, the tingle of her silky hair against my bare skin, each sweet and hot kiss...each one of them I’ve taken for granted. Not anymore. I can’t live life thinking there will be a tomorrow for the two of us. “I love you, Echo.”
