Brighter Than the Sun
Page 81
Anger welled in Zoe’s chest, bubbling like a cauldron. Not only at her mother, whom she’d resented ever since she’d been old enough to understand that she’d been deserted, but at her father, who could have—who should have—made different choices. Someone who should never have had a child if he wasn’t willing to sacrifice everything for him or her.
It sickened her to her soul that she carried that bloodline and legacy. That was what tainted her. Springing from a gene pool of not one but two self-absorbed, irresponsible people who had no business procreating.
Genetics don’t influence decision making. Only the people making the decisions do.
The words of one of her college professors fluttered in her mind. She’d never really paid them much attention until now. It was all well and fine to say she could and would make different choices than her parents, but what of her offspring? Would they be influenced and shaped by nature or nurture?
Zoe frowned. If either was worth a damn as a scientific argument, then she herself would be a complete miscreant.
She stared moodily into the distance, watching as the sun dipped lower, seemingly sliding right into the lake in the distance. She was so lost in her thoughts that she didn’t hear Rusty come in. Didn’t realize she was even in the room until she quietly sat on the edge of the bed, the motion detected in Zoe’s periphery.
Like Zoe, Rusty had holed up in Marlene’s house, refusing to venture out, especially after the third day when Sean had apparently decided he’d been patient long enough and had begun coming by the house, asking to talk to Rusty. Rusty, who’d never hidden from anything in her life, had feared that if she left the compound Sean would immediately corner her. Zoe felt so bad for the embarrassment Rusty had suffered, and she was furious for the way Sean had handled the entire situation. He was obviously an ass who didn’t deserve Rusty anyway.
She turned and offered a half-hearted smile, not even bothering with an attempt at faking one. It still hurt too damn much to move her lips enough for a convincing smile. Today had been the first day she’d been able to tolerate chewing solid food after six days of broths and soups, eventually graduating up to pasta dishes and chicken and dumplings. She’d been convinced her jaw had been broken, but Maren had confirmed via X-ray that it was just severely bruised and no fracture was evident.
“Hey,” Zoe said softly, when Rusty didn’t speak.
For a long moment, Rusty didn’t respond. She simply looked back at Zoe, her eyes suspiciously bright. Zoe’s stomach lurched and then tightened.
“No,” Zoe whispered, shaking her head.
Rusty attempted a watery smile that resulted in more of a grimace. Then she lurched off the bed and bent down, enfolding Zoe in a tight hug. Tears ran unabashedly down Zoe’s cheeks as she held on to Rusty as tightly as she could.
“Don’t go,” Zoe pleaded. “Or at least don’t go alone. I’ll come with you.”
Rusty disentangled herself from her arms and slid onto the wide chair so that she faced Zoe, and her legs were angled away. Tears were streaming down Rusty’s cheeks as well as the two stared wordlessly at each other. Finally, Rusty broke her silence.
“I have to go,” she choked out. “I can’t be here right now. Maybe in time. But right now it just hurts too damn much. I’ve got to move on with my life. Prove something to myself if to no one else.”
Zoe gripped her hand, squeezing as she struggled for breath around the huge knot forming in her throat.
“Where will you go?” she asked.
Rusty shrugged. “For now? Away. Wherever the road takes me. Who knows? Maybe I’ll find myself out there.” She touched Zoe’s hair, stroking one long strand and then tucking it behind her ear. “Give Joe a chance, Zoe. I know you’re scared. I know you think you’re not good enough, but that’s so fucked up that I don’t even know where to begin. Promise me you’ll allow yourself to be happy for once. You deserve that much.”
“And you don’t?” Zoe challenged, lifting her chin defiantly.
Rusty’s eyes went bleak. “That’s why I’m going. Because I’m never going to find what I’m looking for here, and I don’t want to spend the rest of my life staring at what I wanted but could never have.”
Zoe leaned her forehead into Rusty’s until they touched, tears running silently down both women’s cheeks.
“I’ll never be able to repay everything you did for me,” Zoe whispered.
Rusty’s hand tightened, reversing Zoe’s hold on her hand so that she now held Zoe’s.
“You can repay me by being happy and making my brother happy.”
Zoe swallowed and then swallowed again, her nose and throat aching from the weight of so much heartache and tears.
“I love you, Rusty. You’ll always be the sister of my heart no matter where life takes us.”
Rusty smiled as her tears splashed onto Zoe’s knee and then she closed her eyes, her forehead still touching Zoe’s.
“And you’re the sister I never had but always wanted. I once wished for brothers with all my heart, and that wish was granted. Then I realized how much I’d missed out on by not having a sister. Now I’m missing nothing,” she said softly.
“You’ll call?” Zoe asked in a strangled voice. “You’ll keep in touch?”
“You know it,” she said. Then she pulled Zoe into a hug, her arms wrapped firmly around her neck. “Be happy, Zoe. Don’t do it for me or anyone else. Do it for you. You’re only who you want to be, not what others say or think. Never let anyone make you believe any different. That’s a lesson I learned the hard way but one I won’t ever forget.”
It sickened her to her soul that she carried that bloodline and legacy. That was what tainted her. Springing from a gene pool of not one but two self-absorbed, irresponsible people who had no business procreating.
Genetics don’t influence decision making. Only the people making the decisions do.
The words of one of her college professors fluttered in her mind. She’d never really paid them much attention until now. It was all well and fine to say she could and would make different choices than her parents, but what of her offspring? Would they be influenced and shaped by nature or nurture?
Zoe frowned. If either was worth a damn as a scientific argument, then she herself would be a complete miscreant.
She stared moodily into the distance, watching as the sun dipped lower, seemingly sliding right into the lake in the distance. She was so lost in her thoughts that she didn’t hear Rusty come in. Didn’t realize she was even in the room until she quietly sat on the edge of the bed, the motion detected in Zoe’s periphery.
Like Zoe, Rusty had holed up in Marlene’s house, refusing to venture out, especially after the third day when Sean had apparently decided he’d been patient long enough and had begun coming by the house, asking to talk to Rusty. Rusty, who’d never hidden from anything in her life, had feared that if she left the compound Sean would immediately corner her. Zoe felt so bad for the embarrassment Rusty had suffered, and she was furious for the way Sean had handled the entire situation. He was obviously an ass who didn’t deserve Rusty anyway.
She turned and offered a half-hearted smile, not even bothering with an attempt at faking one. It still hurt too damn much to move her lips enough for a convincing smile. Today had been the first day she’d been able to tolerate chewing solid food after six days of broths and soups, eventually graduating up to pasta dishes and chicken and dumplings. She’d been convinced her jaw had been broken, but Maren had confirmed via X-ray that it was just severely bruised and no fracture was evident.
“Hey,” Zoe said softly, when Rusty didn’t speak.
For a long moment, Rusty didn’t respond. She simply looked back at Zoe, her eyes suspiciously bright. Zoe’s stomach lurched and then tightened.
“No,” Zoe whispered, shaking her head.
Rusty attempted a watery smile that resulted in more of a grimace. Then she lurched off the bed and bent down, enfolding Zoe in a tight hug. Tears ran unabashedly down Zoe’s cheeks as she held on to Rusty as tightly as she could.
“Don’t go,” Zoe pleaded. “Or at least don’t go alone. I’ll come with you.”
Rusty disentangled herself from her arms and slid onto the wide chair so that she faced Zoe, and her legs were angled away. Tears were streaming down Rusty’s cheeks as well as the two stared wordlessly at each other. Finally, Rusty broke her silence.
“I have to go,” she choked out. “I can’t be here right now. Maybe in time. But right now it just hurts too damn much. I’ve got to move on with my life. Prove something to myself if to no one else.”
Zoe gripped her hand, squeezing as she struggled for breath around the huge knot forming in her throat.
“Where will you go?” she asked.
Rusty shrugged. “For now? Away. Wherever the road takes me. Who knows? Maybe I’ll find myself out there.” She touched Zoe’s hair, stroking one long strand and then tucking it behind her ear. “Give Joe a chance, Zoe. I know you’re scared. I know you think you’re not good enough, but that’s so fucked up that I don’t even know where to begin. Promise me you’ll allow yourself to be happy for once. You deserve that much.”
“And you don’t?” Zoe challenged, lifting her chin defiantly.
Rusty’s eyes went bleak. “That’s why I’m going. Because I’m never going to find what I’m looking for here, and I don’t want to spend the rest of my life staring at what I wanted but could never have.”
Zoe leaned her forehead into Rusty’s until they touched, tears running silently down both women’s cheeks.
“I’ll never be able to repay everything you did for me,” Zoe whispered.
Rusty’s hand tightened, reversing Zoe’s hold on her hand so that she now held Zoe’s.
“You can repay me by being happy and making my brother happy.”
Zoe swallowed and then swallowed again, her nose and throat aching from the weight of so much heartache and tears.
“I love you, Rusty. You’ll always be the sister of my heart no matter where life takes us.”
Rusty smiled as her tears splashed onto Zoe’s knee and then she closed her eyes, her forehead still touching Zoe’s.
“And you’re the sister I never had but always wanted. I once wished for brothers with all my heart, and that wish was granted. Then I realized how much I’d missed out on by not having a sister. Now I’m missing nothing,” she said softly.
“You’ll call?” Zoe asked in a strangled voice. “You’ll keep in touch?”
“You know it,” she said. Then she pulled Zoe into a hug, her arms wrapped firmly around her neck. “Be happy, Zoe. Don’t do it for me or anyone else. Do it for you. You’re only who you want to be, not what others say or think. Never let anyone make you believe any different. That’s a lesson I learned the hard way but one I won’t ever forget.”
