Broken and Screwed 2
Page 57
Beth grabbed her cousin and dragged her away, saying, “You didn’t know about Jesse either.”
We heard Hannah grumbling when the door opened and shut behind them, “You think you’re so special because you did—”
Angie bit her lip, smiling nervous at the same time. “They seem like good friends.”
I shrugged. “They’re like me. We get along.”
“They’re like you?”
I caught the sincerity in her voice and my gut dropped. Just like that, I was reminded of the last summer. It was only four months ago, but so much had happened. There’d been so much distance by the end of the summer and there was even more now. I didn’t want to lie anymore. I didn’t see the point to it. I shrugged. “They’re broken like me.”
She sucked in her breath and jerked to the side. Her throat started trembling and she was biting down on her lip, hard. As she glanced back, she flicked a tear away. “You were broken.”
I frowned. “You knew that.”
She shook her head quickly, one brisk movement. “You never admitted it. I felt it. I knew something was going on, but you never said.”
“I told you about my mom.”
“Because I knew! I knew about your mom and you never told Marissa. Your brother died and your mom tried to die the next year.”
There was so much emotion in her voice. I heard the sob in her throat, but I refused to feel sorry. I heard the unspoken insinuation. If I had spoken up and told them what was going on, that still wouldn’t have made it better. Heaving a deep breath, I said, “I know you’re going to say otherwise, but you couldn’t have handled what was going on in my life.”
“You didn’t even let me try!” Pressing a hand to her mouth, she tried to quiet her sobs. “Marissa told me that she saw you. I went home for break and stopped at your house a few times, but I ran into her at Eric’s house. He had a party. She said you looked good.”
“She did?”
She nodded, more tears falling free. Her chin kept quivering. “She did. She said some things hadn’t changed. You and Jesse were sneaking around again.” Glancing around, her smile was shaky. “I guess that’s not true anymore. You’re living here, huh?”
“Yeah.”
“I emailed you a few times. I should’ve called, but I couldn’t bring myself to do that. I just, I don’t know what I wanted.”
“I don’t check my personal email that much. It’s been mostly my school email. I have the same cell phone.”
“I know. After Marissa told me how cold you were to her, I figured the element of surprise was the best course. I don’t know. Stupid, now that I think about it. Whatever.” She took another deep breath. Her voice didn’t tremble so much. “I emailed Jesse, can you believe that? He told me that you’d be here and he said this was the best time to come. We came to town for the game. Justin wanted to watch Jesse’s game, you know, an old teammate and all.”
“Justin’s here?”
“No. He dropped me off. I told him I’d wait for you to come home. He’s at the game.”
“So you’re missing the game?”
She nodded. “God, Alex.” She shook her head, “I can’t believe it. You look…like you’re old self.”
“I do?”
“Yeah.” A tentative smile started to grow over her face. “You look good. You look almost like that party girl from our freshman year. Remember that year?”
The hole in my chest closed off. It went to shelter where it was safe and protected. “No,” I answered. “I don’t want to remember that year. It was my last year with Ethan.”
“Oh.” Her smile was wiped clean. “I’m sorry. I didn’t think about that.”
I was growing tired of this. “What do you want, Angie?”
“I wanted to see you.”
I continued to stare at her. She was lying.
Her shoulders drooped. “I wanted to see how you were doing.”
There was more. I felt it from her.
Finally, she admitted, “I wanted to apologize for last year.”
There it was. I bit out, “Why?”
She flinched from my tone, it was so cold. “I don’t think I was a good friend to you. I know I wasn’t a good friend to you. I made you break up with Jesse, then that last summer when…” Her words faded. She still couldn’t talk about it.
No one could. No one understood it and even I didn’t, but I knew the cause. “Did Eric ever tell you about that night in my kitchen? When he came in and I was burning something?”
She jerked a shoulder up.
So he had.
This was the moment; this was where everyone became so uneasy because this was the time when people didn’t want to hear about the amount of pain someone might have been going through. Hannah understood it. Beth understood it. I didn’t know how, but I knew they did. I knew something had happened so atrociously in their lives that they were changed. They would always be changed and that’s how it was for me. That letter shattered me and people didn’t want to admit that could happen. Because if they had to accept that it could happen to them as well and no one wanted to admit that fact to themselves.
Angie grew up in a good family. She had good parents who loved her and a family that would be there for her so it made sense why she didn’t want to hear what happened to me. Why would she? Why would a person like that want to experience the pain that I had? Even if it meant being a good friend?
I understood why Eric had been scared. I understood why Angie and Justin had shied away from me. They didn’t want to know the amount of pain that I’d been feeling so I kept to myself. They knew, but when I got that letter from my parents, I couldn’t keep it checked and hidden anymore. The pain was too much. It had started to mingle with rage until it became one and the same. It made me look different. It made me walk different. It made me act different, think different, feel different. It was like an arm had been cut off from me. I kept going, but I couldn’t grow another arm. Except for me, it was feeling loved. It was having a family. It was being supported. But it was gone, that letter just cemented it and I no longer had the ability to keep hiding.
Angie would never understand that. So I couldn’t even start to explain it. Instead, I only murmured, “You’re off the hook.”
We heard Hannah grumbling when the door opened and shut behind them, “You think you’re so special because you did—”
Angie bit her lip, smiling nervous at the same time. “They seem like good friends.”
I shrugged. “They’re like me. We get along.”
“They’re like you?”
I caught the sincerity in her voice and my gut dropped. Just like that, I was reminded of the last summer. It was only four months ago, but so much had happened. There’d been so much distance by the end of the summer and there was even more now. I didn’t want to lie anymore. I didn’t see the point to it. I shrugged. “They’re broken like me.”
She sucked in her breath and jerked to the side. Her throat started trembling and she was biting down on her lip, hard. As she glanced back, she flicked a tear away. “You were broken.”
I frowned. “You knew that.”
She shook her head quickly, one brisk movement. “You never admitted it. I felt it. I knew something was going on, but you never said.”
“I told you about my mom.”
“Because I knew! I knew about your mom and you never told Marissa. Your brother died and your mom tried to die the next year.”
There was so much emotion in her voice. I heard the sob in her throat, but I refused to feel sorry. I heard the unspoken insinuation. If I had spoken up and told them what was going on, that still wouldn’t have made it better. Heaving a deep breath, I said, “I know you’re going to say otherwise, but you couldn’t have handled what was going on in my life.”
“You didn’t even let me try!” Pressing a hand to her mouth, she tried to quiet her sobs. “Marissa told me that she saw you. I went home for break and stopped at your house a few times, but I ran into her at Eric’s house. He had a party. She said you looked good.”
“She did?”
She nodded, more tears falling free. Her chin kept quivering. “She did. She said some things hadn’t changed. You and Jesse were sneaking around again.” Glancing around, her smile was shaky. “I guess that’s not true anymore. You’re living here, huh?”
“Yeah.”
“I emailed you a few times. I should’ve called, but I couldn’t bring myself to do that. I just, I don’t know what I wanted.”
“I don’t check my personal email that much. It’s been mostly my school email. I have the same cell phone.”
“I know. After Marissa told me how cold you were to her, I figured the element of surprise was the best course. I don’t know. Stupid, now that I think about it. Whatever.” She took another deep breath. Her voice didn’t tremble so much. “I emailed Jesse, can you believe that? He told me that you’d be here and he said this was the best time to come. We came to town for the game. Justin wanted to watch Jesse’s game, you know, an old teammate and all.”
“Justin’s here?”
“No. He dropped me off. I told him I’d wait for you to come home. He’s at the game.”
“So you’re missing the game?”
She nodded. “God, Alex.” She shook her head, “I can’t believe it. You look…like you’re old self.”
“I do?”
“Yeah.” A tentative smile started to grow over her face. “You look good. You look almost like that party girl from our freshman year. Remember that year?”
The hole in my chest closed off. It went to shelter where it was safe and protected. “No,” I answered. “I don’t want to remember that year. It was my last year with Ethan.”
“Oh.” Her smile was wiped clean. “I’m sorry. I didn’t think about that.”
I was growing tired of this. “What do you want, Angie?”
“I wanted to see you.”
I continued to stare at her. She was lying.
Her shoulders drooped. “I wanted to see how you were doing.”
There was more. I felt it from her.
Finally, she admitted, “I wanted to apologize for last year.”
There it was. I bit out, “Why?”
She flinched from my tone, it was so cold. “I don’t think I was a good friend to you. I know I wasn’t a good friend to you. I made you break up with Jesse, then that last summer when…” Her words faded. She still couldn’t talk about it.
No one could. No one understood it and even I didn’t, but I knew the cause. “Did Eric ever tell you about that night in my kitchen? When he came in and I was burning something?”
She jerked a shoulder up.
So he had.
This was the moment; this was where everyone became so uneasy because this was the time when people didn’t want to hear about the amount of pain someone might have been going through. Hannah understood it. Beth understood it. I didn’t know how, but I knew they did. I knew something had happened so atrociously in their lives that they were changed. They would always be changed and that’s how it was for me. That letter shattered me and people didn’t want to admit that could happen. Because if they had to accept that it could happen to them as well and no one wanted to admit that fact to themselves.
Angie grew up in a good family. She had good parents who loved her and a family that would be there for her so it made sense why she didn’t want to hear what happened to me. Why would she? Why would a person like that want to experience the pain that I had? Even if it meant being a good friend?
I understood why Eric had been scared. I understood why Angie and Justin had shied away from me. They didn’t want to know the amount of pain that I’d been feeling so I kept to myself. They knew, but when I got that letter from my parents, I couldn’t keep it checked and hidden anymore. The pain was too much. It had started to mingle with rage until it became one and the same. It made me look different. It made me walk different. It made me act different, think different, feel different. It was like an arm had been cut off from me. I kept going, but I couldn’t grow another arm. Except for me, it was feeling loved. It was having a family. It was being supported. But it was gone, that letter just cemented it and I no longer had the ability to keep hiding.
Angie would never understand that. So I couldn’t even start to explain it. Instead, I only murmured, “You’re off the hook.”
