Broken and Screwed
Page 23
It’d be weeks before she would return home.
I knew the instant my father had told Jesse that. The relief in his eyes was unmistakable, and as Jesse explained it all to me, I shared the same sentiment.
I could be at home and not feel her emptiness.
Finally.
I could only feel my own then since my father was rarely home. He spent most of his time at the office, and now I knew he’d spend the rest of the time at the hospital with my mother.
A different sense of numbness settled in me as Jesse bundled me back in my coat. After he hugged my father another time, and after my dad thumped him on the back, with his voice full of emotion as he thanked him for coming, I was led back to that same elevator.
We were leaving again, but this time my mother was still alive. Ethan had died. My mother would live.
I didn’t feel any of it.
When we got to my home, Jesse sat me at the kitchen table. A cup of water was placed in front of me, along with some toast. I nibbled on a piece because he had that determined look in his eyes. When I was done and shoved the plate aside, Jesse sighed, but he took it to the sink and then led me by my hand to my room.
No words were shared as I got ready for bed. At one point, my fingers couldn’t undo my zipper so Jesse helped undress me. Then he found my pajamas and helped me put them on. When I felt the warm cloth material against my skin, my eyes closed. I readied myself. He would leave soon. I looked at the bed. I already knew I wouldn’t sleep at all. But then he took his sweater off and found an old shirt that he had left the first time we’d been together. He slipped it over his head and undid his pants. When he saw that I was staring, he gave me a crooked grin.
“You thought I was going to leave?”
I nodded. I couldn’t speak. I hadn’t been able to since the phone call.
Then he cupped both sides of my face and stepped close. He lifted my head so I met his gaze. They sparkled in the moonlight as he promised, “I will stay as long as you need me.”
I choked out, my voice raw and painful, “I thought you’d leave. There’s a lot of feeling tonight.”
His thumb brushed over my cheek. It was a tender gesture. “Not for you. You turned it off tonight, didn’t you?”
Then the tears came. I couldn’t stop them. I didn’t know what unleashed them, but they fell free like a waterfall.
Jesse cursed under his breath, but held me against him. He rocked me back and forth for awhile until he picked me up and laid me in bed. I fell asleep tucked in his arms with more tears on my cheeks. Sometime during the night, I woke. The tears had dried on my face, but I brushed them away and found that I was alone in the bed.
An eerie feeling came over me and I left for the hallway. The bathroom was empty; there were no lights on in the house, but I already knew where he was. I stopped outside of Ethan’s bedroom. The door was open and I saw Jesse on the edge of his bed. He cradled his head in his hands. They were propped on his knees, and his shoulders shook. There was no sound, but I knew he was sobbing.
My heart broke then. I thought I’d been broken already, but it splintered apart again. Then I stopped thinking and went inside. As Jesse had comforted me before, I did the same. I lifted his head and slid between his arms. And then he stiffened for a second before he lifted me on his lap. My legs parted and I straddled him instead. Desire burst forth in me when I saw the heat in his eyes. He didn’t want comfort. He wanted to forget.
His hands cupped my legs. He pulled me tight and ground into me. My chest was pressed against his and my lips parted for him. And then we both forgot together.
CHAPTER TEN
We woke around nine the next morning. I was the first to wake. I couldn’t stay in bed any longer; too many memories haunted me because of the night before, so I got out of bed. When I came back from showering, I saw that Jesse was dressed. As we bypassed the kitchen, I thought about making coffee, but Jesse touched my arm.
“I’ll make some at my place for you.”
And that was that. We went to get my car, which had been left alone. Thank goodness. And I followed Jesse back to his house. When he drove into the basement parking area, I waited and drove up the driveway to his front door. I waited outside for him to come, but the door opened. His housekeeper, Zala, motioned for me to come in. Her plump cheeks were flushed. Her dimples appeared and I grinned back at her. She squeezed my arm once, but never said anything.
“Alex?”
She pointed towards the kitchen, so I led the way.
Jesse grinned when he saw both of us. He waved towards the table. “Sit. I’ll make breakfast.”
Zala and I sat at the table as he made breakfast for us both. We had toast, eggs, and bacon. He made the coffee he had promised. Zala got up from the table. She came back with creamer and sugar. I was about to say thank you, but she dumped a bunch in her own coffee and then plopped them back on the table.
Jesse took the seat beside mine with his own plate of food and the three of us ate in silence. When Zala finished first, she got up, collected all the dirty dishes, and took them back into the kitchen. Jesse tapped my hand and I followed him to his room. It was then that I realized that was a normal routine for the two of them.
It was something I hadn’t expected from him, but then again, my family had been like his most of his life. It made sense that he had sought out that type of comfortable relationship with Zala. She’d been with his family as long as I could remember.
When we got to his room, I curled up on his bed and watched as he started to pack his clothes. And then a different thought came to me. “Why didn’t you say anything when Marissa was calling you all the time?”
The shirt he had grabbed was balled into his fist. He jerked up to meet my gaze. A flare of guilt flashed in his eyes before it was gone. “Why would I?”
I felt punched in the gut, but then I sighed. Had I really expected anything less? “No, I mean, was she bothering you?”
He shrugged, but turned away quickly to disappear in his closet again. It was awhile before he came back out. This time he had a pile of clothes in his arms and he dropped them all on the bed. As he started to fold them, he bit out, “You’re not my girlfriend, Alex. That’s not what this is.”
“I know it’s not.”
I said that slowly and casually, but I couldn’t lie to myself. The rejection stung; it stung a whole bunch after the night we’d just shared together.
When he didn’t say anything further, I sat up and hugged my knees to my chest. “I saw you at that movie premiere, you know.”
I knew the instant my father had told Jesse that. The relief in his eyes was unmistakable, and as Jesse explained it all to me, I shared the same sentiment.
I could be at home and not feel her emptiness.
Finally.
I could only feel my own then since my father was rarely home. He spent most of his time at the office, and now I knew he’d spend the rest of the time at the hospital with my mother.
A different sense of numbness settled in me as Jesse bundled me back in my coat. After he hugged my father another time, and after my dad thumped him on the back, with his voice full of emotion as he thanked him for coming, I was led back to that same elevator.
We were leaving again, but this time my mother was still alive. Ethan had died. My mother would live.
I didn’t feel any of it.
When we got to my home, Jesse sat me at the kitchen table. A cup of water was placed in front of me, along with some toast. I nibbled on a piece because he had that determined look in his eyes. When I was done and shoved the plate aside, Jesse sighed, but he took it to the sink and then led me by my hand to my room.
No words were shared as I got ready for bed. At one point, my fingers couldn’t undo my zipper so Jesse helped undress me. Then he found my pajamas and helped me put them on. When I felt the warm cloth material against my skin, my eyes closed. I readied myself. He would leave soon. I looked at the bed. I already knew I wouldn’t sleep at all. But then he took his sweater off and found an old shirt that he had left the first time we’d been together. He slipped it over his head and undid his pants. When he saw that I was staring, he gave me a crooked grin.
“You thought I was going to leave?”
I nodded. I couldn’t speak. I hadn’t been able to since the phone call.
Then he cupped both sides of my face and stepped close. He lifted my head so I met his gaze. They sparkled in the moonlight as he promised, “I will stay as long as you need me.”
I choked out, my voice raw and painful, “I thought you’d leave. There’s a lot of feeling tonight.”
His thumb brushed over my cheek. It was a tender gesture. “Not for you. You turned it off tonight, didn’t you?”
Then the tears came. I couldn’t stop them. I didn’t know what unleashed them, but they fell free like a waterfall.
Jesse cursed under his breath, but held me against him. He rocked me back and forth for awhile until he picked me up and laid me in bed. I fell asleep tucked in his arms with more tears on my cheeks. Sometime during the night, I woke. The tears had dried on my face, but I brushed them away and found that I was alone in the bed.
An eerie feeling came over me and I left for the hallway. The bathroom was empty; there were no lights on in the house, but I already knew where he was. I stopped outside of Ethan’s bedroom. The door was open and I saw Jesse on the edge of his bed. He cradled his head in his hands. They were propped on his knees, and his shoulders shook. There was no sound, but I knew he was sobbing.
My heart broke then. I thought I’d been broken already, but it splintered apart again. Then I stopped thinking and went inside. As Jesse had comforted me before, I did the same. I lifted his head and slid between his arms. And then he stiffened for a second before he lifted me on his lap. My legs parted and I straddled him instead. Desire burst forth in me when I saw the heat in his eyes. He didn’t want comfort. He wanted to forget.
His hands cupped my legs. He pulled me tight and ground into me. My chest was pressed against his and my lips parted for him. And then we both forgot together.
CHAPTER TEN
We woke around nine the next morning. I was the first to wake. I couldn’t stay in bed any longer; too many memories haunted me because of the night before, so I got out of bed. When I came back from showering, I saw that Jesse was dressed. As we bypassed the kitchen, I thought about making coffee, but Jesse touched my arm.
“I’ll make some at my place for you.”
And that was that. We went to get my car, which had been left alone. Thank goodness. And I followed Jesse back to his house. When he drove into the basement parking area, I waited and drove up the driveway to his front door. I waited outside for him to come, but the door opened. His housekeeper, Zala, motioned for me to come in. Her plump cheeks were flushed. Her dimples appeared and I grinned back at her. She squeezed my arm once, but never said anything.
“Alex?”
She pointed towards the kitchen, so I led the way.
Jesse grinned when he saw both of us. He waved towards the table. “Sit. I’ll make breakfast.”
Zala and I sat at the table as he made breakfast for us both. We had toast, eggs, and bacon. He made the coffee he had promised. Zala got up from the table. She came back with creamer and sugar. I was about to say thank you, but she dumped a bunch in her own coffee and then plopped them back on the table.
Jesse took the seat beside mine with his own plate of food and the three of us ate in silence. When Zala finished first, she got up, collected all the dirty dishes, and took them back into the kitchen. Jesse tapped my hand and I followed him to his room. It was then that I realized that was a normal routine for the two of them.
It was something I hadn’t expected from him, but then again, my family had been like his most of his life. It made sense that he had sought out that type of comfortable relationship with Zala. She’d been with his family as long as I could remember.
When we got to his room, I curled up on his bed and watched as he started to pack his clothes. And then a different thought came to me. “Why didn’t you say anything when Marissa was calling you all the time?”
The shirt he had grabbed was balled into his fist. He jerked up to meet my gaze. A flare of guilt flashed in his eyes before it was gone. “Why would I?”
I felt punched in the gut, but then I sighed. Had I really expected anything less? “No, I mean, was she bothering you?”
He shrugged, but turned away quickly to disappear in his closet again. It was awhile before he came back out. This time he had a pile of clothes in his arms and he dropped them all on the bed. As he started to fold them, he bit out, “You’re not my girlfriend, Alex. That’s not what this is.”
“I know it’s not.”
I said that slowly and casually, but I couldn’t lie to myself. The rejection stung; it stung a whole bunch after the night we’d just shared together.
When he didn’t say anything further, I sat up and hugged my knees to my chest. “I saw you at that movie premiere, you know.”
