Broken Open
Page 35
“I guess it’s self-indulgent to demolish a house because I’d made bad choices there.”
There was enough self-loathing in his tone that she spoke again.
“The day Eric died I stayed at the hospice long enough to fill out all the paperwork. It’s weird. He was there and then he wasn’t.” She shook her head to resist dwelling on that part. “So they made me leave for a while and then I went back into his room to get his things. I sat next to an empty bed with a kitchen trash bag, which pretty much encompassed the entirety of my husband’s life by that point. My parents had shown up and my mother drove me back to my house.” Her mother had touched her as if Tuesday was going to fly apart any moment. For years she felt like an unexploded bomb, fragile and dangerous.
“She pulled up and I froze with my hand on the door handle. I couldn’t get out. I couldn’t go in. I couldn’t see our bed and smell him in our bathroom. I stayed in a hotel that night and three days later I put the place on the market. I was inside it only once more after he died and that was to pack up to move. I’ve never seen it again.” She didn’t even get off the freeway at that exit or go to any of their old restaurants and favorite places. “I know what it means to have to destroy something to keep going forward.”
They were both quiet awhile as she remembered their house with the front garden Eric had created so carefully, mapping out exactly what went where.
“It doesn’t gross you out that I was a junkie?”
Not only was the question unexpected, she heard the shame in his words and it cut her to the bone. “I hurt that you suffered so much, but no, I’m not grossed out at all. In case it’s escaped your notice when you look in a mirror, you’re beautiful, Ezra. You’re strong and your heart was forged by fire. It makes you a lion. With some scars, yes, but all warriors have scars.”
“I failed a whole lot of people.”
“I bet. I also bet you haven’t failed anyone since.”
“I fail people all the time.”
“Why is that? Because you’re human? Tell me of your horrible crimes, Ezra.” She had no idea why she was doing and saying all this to him. Provoking. Heat banked in his gaze and she kept poking.
No. That was a lie. She knew why.
Because she didn’t want him carrying all the weight he should have cast off long before then.
“A man is worth nothing if those he cares about can’t trust him.”
“Isn’t that the truth?”
He sighed, shifting in his seat.
“Look, we can change the subject. All I’m saying is, you’re a good man and the people around you know it. You take care of them. You guide them. When you and Paddy weren’t talking last month, Nat freaked out. She was worried about Paddy not so much because they’d been apart, but because she knows how much Paddy relies on you. All of them do. It’s okay to cut yourself a break from time to time. Now, I’d like more of the green beans, please.”
He handed her the bowl, catching her gaze. They remained there, looking straight into one another for long moments until he broke away and pretended he needed to look at his glass just then.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
EZRA PAUSED IN the doorway, watching her play with the cats. Loopy was lying across Tuesday’s feet as she danced a string out of reach of two furry, excited felines. Tuesday laughed, talking to them, pausing to include the dog from time to time.
“I warned them not to cockblock me again and look what I happen upon.”
She turned to him with a smile. “With this dog around, I bet your feet never get cold.”
“True. Then again, I’m always covered in dog hair. Come on.” He held out a hand. “I promised Violet I’d bring you to meet her and if I don’t she’ll get her revenge somehow.”
Loopy groaned but moved as Tuesday stepped over her. Ezra took her hand to keep her steady as the cats shot from the room.
“Those cats are very sweet, but wow, all that energy exhausts me.”
“They were worse when they were tiny. They climbed up my curtains and they’d get on top of the fridge so if I went to get something in the middle of the night they’d jump on my head. I nearly had a heart attack a time or two.”
He took her hand and led her out back and around to where Violet was.
“I never imagined you as the kitten type. Or the pig type, either.”
Ha. Neither had he, but there he was. “It all started with Loopy. Vaughan and I were out on a ride. Vaughan’s horse got spooked and when we got down to see what was wrong, we found her and her sister as puppies, barely hours old.”
His mouth hardened as he remembered how small and helpless both animals had been.
“They’d been tossed in a ditch. At first I wasn’t sure if either puppy would survive. But they did. Loopy stayed with me and her sister lives with my foreman. He’s just down the road so he brings Loopy’s sister with him to work all the time.”
Tuesday cocked her head as she looked up at him. “I know your secret.”
He made an annoyed sound, but that didn’t deter her at all. Which made him like her even more.
“Anyway, I think the people down at the vet clinic in town figured that since I took in a dog I’d probably take in other animals. So they asked me to foster. Big Hoss was the first but he never left.” Ezra pointed to the massive black-and-white pig happily munching away on some of the apples and sweet potatoes he’d put in their enclosure earlier.
There was enough self-loathing in his tone that she spoke again.
“The day Eric died I stayed at the hospice long enough to fill out all the paperwork. It’s weird. He was there and then he wasn’t.” She shook her head to resist dwelling on that part. “So they made me leave for a while and then I went back into his room to get his things. I sat next to an empty bed with a kitchen trash bag, which pretty much encompassed the entirety of my husband’s life by that point. My parents had shown up and my mother drove me back to my house.” Her mother had touched her as if Tuesday was going to fly apart any moment. For years she felt like an unexploded bomb, fragile and dangerous.
“She pulled up and I froze with my hand on the door handle. I couldn’t get out. I couldn’t go in. I couldn’t see our bed and smell him in our bathroom. I stayed in a hotel that night and three days later I put the place on the market. I was inside it only once more after he died and that was to pack up to move. I’ve never seen it again.” She didn’t even get off the freeway at that exit or go to any of their old restaurants and favorite places. “I know what it means to have to destroy something to keep going forward.”
They were both quiet awhile as she remembered their house with the front garden Eric had created so carefully, mapping out exactly what went where.
“It doesn’t gross you out that I was a junkie?”
Not only was the question unexpected, she heard the shame in his words and it cut her to the bone. “I hurt that you suffered so much, but no, I’m not grossed out at all. In case it’s escaped your notice when you look in a mirror, you’re beautiful, Ezra. You’re strong and your heart was forged by fire. It makes you a lion. With some scars, yes, but all warriors have scars.”
“I failed a whole lot of people.”
“I bet. I also bet you haven’t failed anyone since.”
“I fail people all the time.”
“Why is that? Because you’re human? Tell me of your horrible crimes, Ezra.” She had no idea why she was doing and saying all this to him. Provoking. Heat banked in his gaze and she kept poking.
No. That was a lie. She knew why.
Because she didn’t want him carrying all the weight he should have cast off long before then.
“A man is worth nothing if those he cares about can’t trust him.”
“Isn’t that the truth?”
He sighed, shifting in his seat.
“Look, we can change the subject. All I’m saying is, you’re a good man and the people around you know it. You take care of them. You guide them. When you and Paddy weren’t talking last month, Nat freaked out. She was worried about Paddy not so much because they’d been apart, but because she knows how much Paddy relies on you. All of them do. It’s okay to cut yourself a break from time to time. Now, I’d like more of the green beans, please.”
He handed her the bowl, catching her gaze. They remained there, looking straight into one another for long moments until he broke away and pretended he needed to look at his glass just then.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
EZRA PAUSED IN the doorway, watching her play with the cats. Loopy was lying across Tuesday’s feet as she danced a string out of reach of two furry, excited felines. Tuesday laughed, talking to them, pausing to include the dog from time to time.
“I warned them not to cockblock me again and look what I happen upon.”
She turned to him with a smile. “With this dog around, I bet your feet never get cold.”
“True. Then again, I’m always covered in dog hair. Come on.” He held out a hand. “I promised Violet I’d bring you to meet her and if I don’t she’ll get her revenge somehow.”
Loopy groaned but moved as Tuesday stepped over her. Ezra took her hand to keep her steady as the cats shot from the room.
“Those cats are very sweet, but wow, all that energy exhausts me.”
“They were worse when they were tiny. They climbed up my curtains and they’d get on top of the fridge so if I went to get something in the middle of the night they’d jump on my head. I nearly had a heart attack a time or two.”
He took her hand and led her out back and around to where Violet was.
“I never imagined you as the kitten type. Or the pig type, either.”
Ha. Neither had he, but there he was. “It all started with Loopy. Vaughan and I were out on a ride. Vaughan’s horse got spooked and when we got down to see what was wrong, we found her and her sister as puppies, barely hours old.”
His mouth hardened as he remembered how small and helpless both animals had been.
“They’d been tossed in a ditch. At first I wasn’t sure if either puppy would survive. But they did. Loopy stayed with me and her sister lives with my foreman. He’s just down the road so he brings Loopy’s sister with him to work all the time.”
Tuesday cocked her head as she looked up at him. “I know your secret.”
He made an annoyed sound, but that didn’t deter her at all. Which made him like her even more.
“Anyway, I think the people down at the vet clinic in town figured that since I took in a dog I’d probably take in other animals. So they asked me to foster. Big Hoss was the first but he never left.” Ezra pointed to the massive black-and-white pig happily munching away on some of the apples and sweet potatoes he’d put in their enclosure earlier.
